Celibate marriage

[Lycy]

When our baby was a year old, my dh moved out of our bedroom. The only reason he gave was that he "needed his sleep". For the next 9 months he slept on the floor in the spare room instead of with me. He only moved back because we had houseguests who stayed in the spare room. He's been back in our bedroom for 1 1/2 years now, but I can't get over the shame of being alone. I can't stop thinking that it was my fault (though I don't know why) and that I'm a failure as a wife.

 

Of course I gained weight after he left my bed. I cannot bring myself to lose it because of the shame and the anger of what happened before. What if I lose weight and he still doesn't want me? how can I get beyond the anger and the shame?

 

sister lycy

[LoveAngel]

When our baby was a year old, my dh moved out of our bedroom. The only reason he gave was that he "needed his sleep". For the next 9 months he slept on the floor in the spare room instead of with me. He only moved back because we had houseguests who stayed in the spare room. He's been back in our bedroom for 1 1/2 years now, but I can't get over the shame of being alone. I can't stop thinking that it was my fault (though I don't know why) and that I'm a failure as a wife.

 

Of course I gained weight after he left my bed. I cannot bring myself to lose it because of the shame and the anger of what happened before. What if I lose weight and he still doesn't want me? how can I get beyond the anger and the shame?

Lycy,

 

I'm not completely following your posting here, unfortunately, but I gather that you and your husband? have stopped having sexual intercourse after the birth of your child. You've mentioned weight gain, so I'm assuming that's at least what you think the reason is. Of course, the only way you'll ever know what his motivations or reasons are for stopping intimate contact is by asking him. And that's assuming he gives you a truthful answer.

 

I don't see how this would make you a failure as a wife: surely the goal of anyone in a marriage is not to satisfy the sexual needs of their partner. If that's what your marriage is based on then perhaps you need to make some considerations regarding your future. What are you shameful or angry about? That for some reason you've stopped having sex? Or that you've gained weight? Getting beyond that anger and shame is just something that you have to work at -- it will take time. You've obviously let it build up over a long period of time. I would recommend that you and your husband talk about your feelings and try and get to the root of this problem. Since it's such a taboo topic you may be surprised to find that a little issue has escalated into something very big. Best wishes to you!

 

Yours,

 

LoveAngel