Instant Messaging in Officeplace

[reboot]

Choosing to not believe it can happen and then putting yourself into that position because you KNOW it won't happen to you because you simply don't believe it can is exactly how a lot of affairs happen.

[magda]

I'm confused by this whole post and what I'm supposed to be answering. Based only on the OP, I think it sounds normal friendly behavior between colleages in a small company. I mean really, the discussions that took place as we know it were work-related since "I" am in a position of diffusing HR situations.

 

So you work with your wife and live with her, and also check all her work IMS and make her justify them to you? Maybe she'd like to have a life of her own. I'm sorry but you don't "stumble upon" a bunch of IMs, you spy them out. She has been wiling to cut down the contact but you can't go following her around or she's going to pull away from you. Perhaps she already is and that is why you have this fear of her having an affair. Address the real issue and communicate and seek counseling if necessary - maybe even find a job elsewhere to give her a chance to look forward to seeing you instead of being nit-picked... and don't waste time over-analyzing IMs and writing about them in a confusing 2nd person narrative about a possible affair but for some reason in the Business and Prof Relationships section under a misleading title.

[reboot]

You need to read his other thread.

[uniqueone]

 

and don't waste time over-analyzing IMs and writing about them in a confusing 2nd person narrative about a possible affair but for some reason in the Business and Prof Relationships section under a misleading title.

 

 

Good point....it would have been better to put this in a different section. It was difficult to figure out the gist of it at first given the category it's under (as well as the narrative it was given in).

[Citizen Erased]

Choosing to not believe it can happen and then putting yourself into that position because you KNOW it won't happen to you because you simply don't believe it can is exactly how a lot of affairs happen.

 

Was that directed at me? Cos I already said that I knew it happens. I can see how two people would begin an EA, and I agree, that burying your head in the sand about it won't help matters. I just choose to believe that it doesn't happen in 100% of all cases.

[magda]

You need to read his other thread.

 

Okay, now I'm even more annoyed that I bothered to read and try to make sense of that since there is a much more readable thread elsewhere. And my opinion about the over-analyzing is now multiplied because you sat about typing up the same story twice.

 

Mister V, working together for 6 years you have to expect a level of comraderie to take place. it's good for their working relationship. Maybe something is brewing, maybe not. It certainly hasn't gotten raunchy yet, from the sound of it.

[Mister V]

Magda - whoa whoa whoa...I don't work with my wife

[magda]

Yeah, I figured that out too late. I'm so confused. I think when you said you were both licensed professionals and then knew so much about how they sneak and take their breaks I assumed you were there, too. I still think you guys need counseling. Re: the request to leave her IMs on... I think her saying she will is enough and you shouldn't have to sit there and read them. It being an open book and you being concerned for whatever reason. It would be a nice gesture on her part. But yall need to figure out why you feel so insecure and work together on it.

[tanbark813]

Magda - whoa whoa whoa...I don't work with my wife

 

 

Ok, I'm officially confused. This thread is way too convoluted.

[Mister V]

Sorry for the confusion Tanbark...

 

bottom line in my story is that wife and I have worked it out...no more one on one lunches, private walks to the corner store, or IM chit-chat with her male colleague...and she has even encouraged me to regularly check her IM archives for my peace of mind...case closed.

 

Thank y'all for allowing me a place to vent...

[Cobra_X30]

From what I found she was starting to become more comfortable with him and said things in their IM conversations that I have never heard her say to me or our kids (i.e., "so...you are going to kick my ass in fantasy football"...or...references to him about me and my job in a negative context) When I told her that she said this she denied it

 

Please elaborate on this!

 

I really have not seen anything all that bad from what your wife did. But I'm not going to skip over this... because this is something that is extremely important.

 

If your wife was badmouthing you to this other guy, you need to do something right away.

[norajane]

Ok, I've read all three of your threads, and sorry, but you're over-reacting. She works in a small office and she's known this guy for 6 years. Plus, they have a co-responsibilities at work on the HR issues, etc.

 

Yeah, they're going to talk shop on IM, and you'd have to either HATE your colleague or be the most boring person on the planet if friendly chit-chat didn't enter into the conversation. You think when guys talk on IM or at lunch they only talk work, work, work and kicking ass at fantasy football doesn't come up? Every conference call or meeting I'm in has some amount of time devoted to random discussions of golf, golf courses, the latest baseball/football/basketball game, where people went or are going on vacation, what they did/will do for the weekend/holiday, office/company/competitor gosssip, blah blah. That's how the business world goes 'round. There was nothing in those IM's that was remotely alarming, in my mind.

 

And maybe she did forget she agreed to go to lunch with you that day - that's happened once in 6 years? Give the woman a break and stop making her feel like a criminal for normal work interactions.

 

When I'm in the office (and not working from home), I go to lunch all the time with the guys I work with - almost all are married, and they're all guys, and I am nowhere near having an EA with any of them. If I didn't go to lunch with them, I'd be eating alone all the time, AND I would appear to be the snobby, stand-offish bitch and I'd miss out on all the behind-the-scenes info people don't share in emails or in more formal settings.

 

Is your wife happy in your marriage? Are you? If there is nothing else in your 14 year marriage that is making you uneasy, or concerned, then why is this such an issue?

 

She's been working there 6 years with this guy - has her behavior changed recently? Has she been less interested in sex with you? Has she been cold and distant at home? Furtive conversations on her cell phone? No. In fact, she offered to turn on her IM converstion recorder thingie and has apologized and is willing to stop going to lunch and is willing to go on their business trips in separate cars.

 

What more can she do except quit her job? Is that what you want?

[Trialbyfire]

EAs start in office environments way, way too easily. You can almost predict which ones will grow to fruition by the way the two people interact, through body language and eye contact.

 

Having said that, how strong a person is your wife? If she's got strength of integrity, she won't indulge in an affair but you will still risk the smaller possibility that she leaves you, to get involved with someone else.

[Mister V]

Cobra - whew!...there are a lot of heated exchanges on this thread...anyway, that being said...let me see if I can answer your question.

 

I have a doctoral degree and my current job is less than I would have expected at this stage in my life. For this reason I feel embarrased that I spent all this time in school only to land a job that is way too easy and sub-par in the salary category. My wife and I have had private talks where I have explained to her that I feel like a failure. She has always comforted me by saying that she loves me whether I make minimum wage or whether I make 6 figures. Bottom line is that she knows that this is a vulnerable area in my life right now.

 

Well...when I came accross the IM's I noticed that she was spending a lot of time chit-chatting about fantasy football (ff) with her colleague. In fact, one exchange mentioned that I was probably going to dominate the league and win because I had a boring job with nothing to do. This made me feel betrayed because she was well aware that I had only intended for her to know my feelings and inadequacies about my job.

 

After the IM conversation history was discovered I told her about this particular dialogue between her and her colleague. Her first reaction was that there was no way she would say something like that and when I offered to show her the conversation she did not want to look it and told me that it must have been a weird day. She wholeheartedly apologized and I forgave her.

 

My thoughts about this were that things were becoming a little too cozy, too comfortable with this other guy. Within the secrecy of a IM she had begun to let things slip that normally would not have had she not been regulary comminicating and nurturing an IM relationship with him. She agreed...which is why she decided to limit her private conversation with this guy to work.

 

Hope that clears things up for you....and thanks for asking