i'm tempted and unhappy

[peanut]

So here's the deal. I'm afraid I may have made a mistake getting married. We've been married a little over a year, dated for almost 5 years before. No kids. Thing is, we both work in music/play music and our relationship has always been infused with drinking and drugs, plus he's away 250 days out of the year and I am home. Now, I'm sobering up and realize we have no physical, mental, emotional or spiritual connection, not compared to a new friend I've made...and not compared to relationships I've had before. I knew before we were married that it didn't feel right, but for some reason I went ahead and married anyway because in our biz we work well as a team, plus we were too messed up to think too much about it. Now that I'm not partying all the time, I feel I have bigger things in store for me, and am not sure if I can handle being alone so much. That's the tip of the iceberg on our issues.

 

He's willing to sober up and do whatever it takes to make it work, but I'm already so disgusted with him for things he says and does--things that I don't agree with on so many levels, and I've been depressed all year for letting it go this far without really being honest with myself. He knows I'm unhappy, but he doesn't know how bad it is. I feel like I'm just waking up from a bad dream and found myself in a bad marriage...what do I do...I really feel such a strong connection with this other man.

[reboot]

not compared to a new friend I've made...

 

I really feel such a strong connection with this other man.

The fog of an affair often leads us to see the absolute worst in our partners. Are you sure your H is as bad as you're saying? Why did you marry him in the first place then? (and I don't really buy the explanations you already gave)

 

Your choices are fairly simple (simple does not mean easy though). If you're really done with your marriage, divorce him. But don't cheat on him. Just get it done and spare you and him both the pain of what will surely happen if you don't leave him and still try to have a relationship with someone else at the same time.

 

If you want to try and save your marriage, then the other guy has to go. At least until you're given the marriage your full effort. You did say your H was willing to do anything. You would need to do the same, and there's no way to do that while living in Afariyland.

 

Trying to keep both relationships is usually pretty impractical.

[Cheery Cherry]

I would break it off with this other man. Afterall, you are still married. I know it is easier said than done but you may continue to make more mistakes if you don't take care of your marriage before you get involved with another man. I'm not saying you shouldn't have any contact with the other guy but remain friends only until you decide what you want to do with your marriage and take care of the marriage, whether you stay or divorce, alone. Once your relationship with your husband is all cleaned up and you still want to pursue a relationshp with the other man, do so but don't start another relationship while you are still involved in one.

[whichwayisup]

So here's the deal. I'm afraid I may have made a mistake getting married. We've been married a little over a year, dated for almost 5 years before. No kids. Thing is, we both work in music/play music and our relationship has always been infused with drinking and drugs, plus he's away 250 days out of the year and I am home. Now, I'm sobering up and realize we have no physical, mental, emotional or spiritual connection, not compared to a new friend I've made...and not compared to relationships I've had before. I knew before we were married that it didn't feel right, but for some reason I went ahead and married anyway because in our biz we work well as a team, plus we were too messed up to think too much about it. Now that I'm not partying all the time, I feel I have bigger things in store for me, and am not sure if I can handle being alone so much. That's the tip of the iceberg on our issues.

 

He's willing to sober up and do whatever it takes to make it work, but I'm already so disgusted with him for things he says and does--things that I don't agree with on so many levels, and I've been depressed all year for letting it go this far without really being honest with myself. He knows I'm unhappy, but he doesn't know how bad it is. I feel like I'm just waking up from a bad dream and found myself in a bad marriage...what do I do...I really feel such a strong connection with this other man.

 

Tell your husband that you want a divorce, and then go pursue this other guy. Having an affair is just plain stupid because from what you've said in post, there's no point in staying married, you've changed and are miserable, so why stay married? Do NOT stay in the marriage because of $$ reasons, or if you're scared to hurt your husband...HE deserves a chance at real love, so if you can't give it to him, let him go so he can find someone else. It's completely selfish of you to continue the marriage with the mindset you're in. So either, end it or fix it.

[Thunderslow]

Talk about dumb. Todays if your married if your not happy after a few days then you look for the fastest way out. There is a book about this and it talkes about how people get married then want to play but go oh I am married I can't do that any more. This is not true. If you talk with your partner about you feel the need to add more. a few hints hear and there that you are interested in a open relationship type marriage is fare better than oh well I am with this one persion and I need the goverment to say I can see other people is silly. Acording to chirch say you are with that one persion. But in the bible you can have side sex partners that is not talked about any more why.. We are all looking for that perfect persion but what if your perfect persion is in 2 or 4 people. Truth is what we all look for is that perfect storie told by walt disney. This happends on TV and the movies. With Divorce rate at 96% or a Open relations of 46% the truth is people do change after time and if your not willing to see that you shouldent get married. This is also what is talked about in the bible. For if your not willing to see that people do change then don't get married if your not willing to see that your partner changes and to spice your marriage up it is sugested that you try new things. This does not exclude seeing other people. Think about this what is the number of wives each person had in the bible. You ready to be shocked. Did you want me to give you this or shall you go prove this wrong. Tell you what go look for it but I will tell you that 1 wife and 1 husband. Not talking about another wife but another sex partner. This partner is to the wife just her play thing when her husband is not interested. This also gose for the husband. What you may find interesting is sex with another acording to the bible is not viewed as a sin unless you are not letting your partner know. This is fact and can not be disproven. No one is supost to satisfy one person for ever that is why the divorce is so high. People like to play when they would like to play. There is a book about this called "Open Marriage" It seas people should stop trying to own there partner and let them play and you do the same sex should never be thought of as a job but good fun.

 

After doing my own research I agree with the open marriage deal when people stray they are not trying to get you pissed off. They are trying to satisfy there own needs. Some times its a good things to play but you should all know what is going on. Why did the people in the bible have 1 wife and 1 husband but each had 8 conqubines. conqubines are others they had sex with. Who did well lets see. Wise Soloman had wives and concubines, it is clear if you real read it and not put your own views on things that it was expected to have a home for the married people and they would be permited to see others as long as they agreed of there partners intrestes. Did it not say thes Married cuple shall no one seperate. This implies divorce is wrong but seeing others is ok to do. No I am not taking this out of context. People that start reading a page and then jump to 10 pages after that "well they are just translatting it " "wrong" then say well yea but later it states its not ok. There not the same topic. Or when they go to another part like at the end of the book and say ow well it seas this hear. ahh there talking about a cow and yea its wrong to steal some ones cow.

 

Open Marriage clearly works better than anything seen besides your going to do what you want to do no mater what others say why because you think the way you do and that your your view and you have that right.

 

Hope that did not help or did no idea..

[Thunderslow]

Talk about dumb. Todays if your married if your not happy after a few days then you look for the fastest way out. There is a book about this and it talkes about how people get married then want to play but go oh I am married I can't do that any more. This is not true. If you talk with your partner about you feel the need to add more. a few hints hear and there that you are interested in a open relationship type marriage is fare better than oh well I am with this one persion and I need the goverment to say I can see other people is silly. Acording to chirch say you are with that one persion. But in the bible you can have side sex partners that is not talked about any more why.. We are all looking for that perfect persion but what if your perfect persion is in 2 or 4 people. Truth is what we all look for is that perfect storie told by walt disney. This happends on TV and the movies. With Divorce rate at 96% or a Open relations of 46% the truth is people do change after time and if your not willing to see that you shouldent get married. This is also what is talked about in the bible. For if your not willing to see that people do change then don't get married if your not willing to see that your partner changes and to spice your marriage up it is sugested that you try new things. This does not exclude seeing other people. Think about this what is the number of wives each person had in the bible. You ready to be shocked. Did you want me to give you this or shall you go prove this wrong. Tell you what go look for it but I will tell you that 1 wife and 1 husband. Not talking about another wife but another sex partner. This partner is to the wife just her play thing when her husband is not interested. This also gose for the husband. What you may find interesting is sex with another acording to the bible is not viewed as a sin unless you are not letting your partner know. This is fact and can not be disproven. No one is supost to satisfy one person for ever that is why the divorce is so high. People like to play when they would like to play. There is a book about this called "Open Marriage" It seas people should stop trying to own there partner and let them play and you do the same sex should never be thought of as a job but good fun.

 

After doing my own research I agree with the open marriage deal when people stray they are not trying to get you pissed off. They are trying to satisfy there own needs. Some times its a good things to play but you should all know what is going on. Why did the people in the bible have 1 wife and 1 husband but each had 8 conqubines. conqubines are others they had sex with. Who did well lets see. Wise Soloman had wives and concubines, it is clear if you real read it and not put your own views on things that it was expected to have a home for the married people and they would be permited to see others as long as they agreed of there partners intrestes. Did it not say thes Married cuple shall no one seperate. This implies divorce is wrong but seeing others is ok to do. No I am not taking this out of context. People that start reading a page and then jump to 10 pages after that "well they are just translatting it " "wrong" then say well yea but later it states its not ok. There not the same topic. Or when they go to another part like at the end of the book and say ow well it seas this hear. ahh there talking about a cow and yea its wrong to steal some ones cow.

 

Open Marriage clearly works better than anything seen besides your going to do what you want to do no mater what others say why because you think the way you do and that your your view and you have that right.

 

Hope that did not help or did no idea..