having trust issues.

[hippiechick]

I was drawn to this forum because of issues I have been dealing with lately. So here's my story.

 

About a month and a half ago I noticed this number I didn't know on our cell phone bill (joint account). It was called several times and vice versa the # called my husband. Longest call about 18 min. I then checked my husband's phone for his contacts. The number was listed under "Kelly". So I think about it a few days and decide to call it. Yep, it was a girl and I don't know her ( not friend's GF etc...) So I confronted him about it and say "who's Kelly?" he said "nobody" and then says "she used to work in his businesses central office and got fired" i said "why are you talking to her more than me on the phone?" he says "it's no big deal they just bs on the phone about nothing really." i asked him if it was O.K. for me to talk to male co-workers on the phone" he says "NO" He says "i am making something out of nothing"

 

I was completely upset! I felt totally betrayed. So needless to say we had a knock down drag out later I was in total tears. he says "I have been hard to talk to" and "nothing physical happened, they never net up etc.... I believed him. His habits/demeanor had never changed. His cell phone was always out so I could check it. I just did not understand it.

 

I also called her the next day and asked her if anything was going on. She said "no" and I told her I wasn't taking to kindly to the whole situation.

 

He promised to quit calling/talking to her. He says he never stopped loving me or wanted to leave me. It was just stupid thing.

 

So i checked the phone bill this month. She has called about 7 times. he has never called her.

 

I am having major trust issues. What do i do? Like I said I believe him, so why do i feel this way?

 

Thanks for listening......hippiechick

[amaysngrace]

He should have mentioned her to you if it was platonic. It's wrong that you had to find out this way. Makes it seem like he has something to hide by talking to her.

 

But at the same time if he wanted it hidden he'd have called her from work.

 

I think he should have just brought it to your attention in the firstplace. Then you wouldn't be being this way right now. But seeing how he said he'd never call her again and he's staying true to his word, well that just makes me think they are just friends. Nothing more.

 

But let him know for next time. Because finding out about a female friend this way gave you doubt about the friendship thinking more was there.

 

It's a crappy way to find out about it.

[hippiechick]

Is it wrong to want her to quit calling altogether? Like he said if he doesn't want me to do it, why is she still calling?

 

Do I put my foot down altogether.

 

And amaysngrace - you are right if it was no big deal he should have told me.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah I would tell him to tell her to stop calling him.

 

And explain to him why you feel so uncomfortable about it all. Tell him he should have brought it up rather than let you see it on a cell phone. Because now the whole situation makes you uncomfortable.

 

Tell him it's not about you trying to control him or tell him what to do at all. It's about your personal comfort level.

 

Tell him that her calling makes you uncomfortable. He should understand that.

 

And if he doesn't ask him how he would feel if he found out you'd been talking to a male co-worker on the phone without you saying something first. And he found out the way you did?

[zilverenvlinder]

You know, it's situations like yours and mine (quite similar) that make me ashamed to be female.

 

Aren't women so needy and desperate?! Good God, Kellyorwhatever! Get your own freaking man!

 

I had Aforementioned Skank calling my S.O. for a good two months and leaving him emails and text messages. And being extremely clever and sneaky, I have his password for everything and he has told her to stop contacting him. She still does.

 

Your husband is being a jerk. I have a completely platonic male friend who calls me once in a great while. My bf knows when he calls me because I tell him. They like the same video game and sometimes talk to each other about "video game cheats" over the phone.

 

That's what your husband should be doing if this "Kelly" girl was just platonic. Go snooping. I would follow him one night, if I were you.

 

That's just me. Best of luck to you.

[hippiechick]

You know, it's situations like yours and mine (quite similar) that make me ashamed to be female.

 

Aren't women so needy and desperate?! Good God, Kellyorwhatever! Get your own freaking man!

 

No kidding! I asked him if she was single when this all started and he said she has a boyfriend. And she knew he was married with children. So then I asked does she have a conscience? They are not lifelong friends or anything. She is talking to another woman's husband for godsake! Believe me its going to get ironed out one way or another. I have been brewing about it today.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

What is your current situation? GF/BF, married, separated? How long?

 

If he's looking or found someone, chances are he is missing something from the relationship that maybe others (from his point of view) can fulfill. You need to examine your situation and see if it can be modified to satisfy the both of you.

 

I would have never called Kelly - no man is worth all that effort.

 

Someone should want to be with another, not have to be.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

You know, it's situations like yours and mine (quite similar) that make me ashamed to be female.

 

Aren't women so needy and desperate?! Good God, Kellyorwhatever! Get your own freaking man!

 

I had Aforementioned Skank calling my S.O. for a good two months and leaving him emails and text messages. And being extremely clever and sneaky, I have his password for everything and he has told her to stop contacting him. She still does.

 

Your husband is being a jerk. I have a completely platonic male friend who calls me once in a great while. My bf knows when he calls me because I tell him. They like the same video game and sometimes talk to each other about "video game cheats" over the phone.

 

That's what your husband should be doing if this "Kelly" girl was just platonic. Go snooping. I would follow him one night, if I were you.

 

That's just me. Best of luck to you.

 

I, respectfully, disagree. Men and women alike are in relationships that are not making them happy (for whatever reasons). It's up to both individuals to be good listeners and try their best to resolve the issues. If this cannot be achieved, then maybe a break is best.

 

Kelly could be someone on these boards, your friend, a sister, or a daughter.

[amaysngrace]

Kelly could be someone on these boards, your friend, a sister, or a daughter.

 

Could it be you even?

[hippiechick]

What is your current situation? GF/BF, married, separated? How long?

 

If he's looking or found someone, chances are he is missing something from the relationship that maybe others (from his point of view) can fulfill. You need to examine your situation and see if it can be modified to satisfy the both of you.

 

I would have never called Kelly - no man is worth all that effort.

 

Someone should want to be with another, not have to be.

 

We have been together 6 years married for 4. He said he needed someone to talk to. Yes I could say I have been stressed out from work for the past 6 months. So I incur some blame to the communication issues.

 

But I called her because I wanted to hear something from her and check stories. In a way I will mark my territory and do it again if she needs a refresher.

 

I guess i am willing to work on what needs to be fixed. And he realizes he has so much to do trust wise.

[squeak]

So i checked the phone bill this month. She has called about 7 times. he has never called her.

 

I'm just going to comment on this part,

 

I think everyone else gave amasyn (get it? amasyngrace ) advice, but once he doesn't call her back, and she continues calling him 7 times to no avail- that is so wrong of her! 7 unreturned calls is excessive, it is disturbing, it is beyond disrespectful.

 

I don't care if this is anyone I could know (and the people I know would never do this!!) -she needs a knock down.

[kikiD]

i feel for you hippiechick, i really do. almost the exact same thing happened with me and my boyfriend. it's a hard thing to go through - the desire to believe and trust the man you love yet seeing something that, if your best girlfriend were to tell you was happening to her, would look a lot like cheating to some degree. by the time i found the number and saw he had been calling her and talking to her for 12 minutes of his 15 minute break at work (after talking to me for 3 minutes) there had already been no contact for a couple of weeks. i felt so hurt and found it difficult to trust anything i felt. we had just started living together about a month prior and just the weekend before my discovery, suffered a traumatic miscarriage. i was in such turmoil and couldn't see straight for so long. we talked about it over and over and over and over again. although his initial reaction to my questions was typical, i.e. defensive and angry, i think he came to see that i needed resolution and reasons. he really didn't seem to have any answers for me because he claims to not understand why he called this woman either. and now, after 5 months have passed since the incident, i do believe him. things were so cloudy and time really does make things clearer. i'm not the kind of person who throws a past mistake in his face and it certainly isn't something i want to constantly be reminded of so i made it a priority in my life and in my relationship to put it behind us. i believe with my whole heart AND my mind that these phone conversations didn't result in a physical relationship but i most certainly explained how i felt in regard so what consititues an "emotional affair" and how just as devestating this could be to a relationship - if not more so than a physical one. i explained to him that seeking out and maintaining contact with women is inappropriate and if he feels the need to do this because it "makes him feel good" then he needs to reevaluate whether i can give him what he needs. these are not ultimatums, more like expectations and they are necessary in establishing. Basically what it came down to is this: If you're doing something that you know your partner wouldn't like, it just might be the wrong thing and you should stop. That's how I live and that's what I expect him to live by too. When he heard that statement, it's like it all clicked and he understood. Good luck with everything!

[hippiechick]

Wow KikiD - You took the words out of my mouth "emotional affair" The question I kept asking myself was why??? If he didn't want the physical what was THAT wrong. But now I know.

 

I asked him about her still calling tonight. He says he has no idea why and he doesn't talk to her, like he promised. Which is true from the cell phone bill.

 

She is walking a very thin line right now. And I am not having it.

[jay6382]

He is still talking to her. I would bet anything he is using other means to contact her, ie: pay phone, meeting in person, etc. When something like this is being hidden and you werent made aware of it something is up. Trust your gut instinct and do a little investigative work. 9 times out of 10 you will that there is more to it than they let on. They will lie straight to your face with no remorse. Cheaters are horrible people with no morals or self control. They should all be shot.

[dbtmarley]

He is still talking to her. I would bet anything he is using other means to contact her, ie: pay phone, meeting in person, etc. When something like this is being hidden and you werent made aware of it something is up. .

 

 

I was thinking the same thing. He may be using the work phone, who knows. Unlike someone else I agree with you calling this Kelly girl, while no man may be worth it, your husband is. The fact that he is doing this without you knowing is just wrong and makes you wonder. Marriage has no place for wonderment, not at any time.

 

Like the OP said I think it is time for some investigative work on your part.. there is a reason this Kelly chick is calling trust me. I wouldn't care if your husband was the HR manager at his job and this woman was talking to him about healthcare continuance or something, he SHOULD NOT have women calling his phone that you know nothing about!

 

On the plus side you say everything is normal... guys usually have trouble being normal when they are cheating.

[hippiechick]

Well there is no "work phone". He has no office etc.... So I am not worried about that.

 

And like I said habits haven't changed. And if he goes somewhere after work one of the kids is always with him there 12 & 9 and would tell me something in a heartbeat. And he is paid hourly so I know how much time he is putting in at work. I am covering all my bases.

 

I honestly do believe him that nothing physical happened. Although part of me wanted to kick his a$$ out the moment I found out. I had to be rational and investigate everything. Believe me I racked my brain when I discovered this. No stone is left unturned.

 

I realize people who cheat are crafty and dream up ways to lie and manipulate. But trust me I am smarter than my husband, even he knows that.

[kikiD]

People that cheat often are crafty, but trust me, they get sloppy. They get so caught up in their little world that things start to slip. Just little things at first - like forgetting to pick up the milk like you asked him to because he had other things on his mind (or on his lap). But these little things turn into bigger things - like forgetting to attend a son/daughter's school event or not paying the mortgage on time. It's all because their head is up their a$$ believing they have the most wonderful sex life and dreaming of the greener grass. Anyway - just some red flags to keep in mind.

 

when i went to counseling with my (now ex) husband, the pastor put it like this. He cheated. You don't trust him. He has to earn that trust back and it's going to take a lot longer to do that then it took to destroy it. Picture a straight pole and then around that pole picture another pole twisting it's way to the top. Trust slid down that pole in one straight shot. If he's willing to work on getting it back, he has to take the long winding road up the other pole. you both need time to see this happen. i believe it can be done. people make mistakes. but hippie - he really does have to be willing to work at it. He's the one that needs to earn your trust back. and if he doesn't, then he doesn't - make a life for yourself.

[dbtmarley]

I realize people who cheat are crafty and dream up ways to lie and manipulate. But trust me I am smarter than my husband, even he knows that.

 

I trust you and I think it is fabulous to have the confidence that your husband is not as intelligent as you. Maybe this chick is doing you a favor by possibly taking the nimrod off your hands...