flowerfairy142 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 My fiance and I are getting married next October and the topic of how we'll be spending our holidays has been a very painful subject. Every year he's gone on vacation with his family from December 25 until after New Years, leaving me to celebrate Christmas Day with my family. Although his sister has told me that they are already planning NEXT Christmas without him, I am afraid of how he'll react. And since his grandpa died 2 years ago, his family has left even before Dec 24 so as not to spend Christmas at home without the grandpa. My fiance has issues with my family and this is all due to the fact that they haven't invited him to ALL our family events. He's developed the attitude that "Its all parties or none", and I DO see his point...I've always been invited to everything from his family. I am in a horrible dilehma right now and just so upset at myself at being so BLIND and not have invited him to Mother's Day dinner this year for instance(my grandparents had reserved at their country club for my family and my uncle's family...but I think she should've asked my fiance too). See, my family does intimate family gatherings while my fiance's family likes to have big parties and invite both family and friends and they've included my grandma for instance. Now they don't invite her to events anymore, on HIS request, because HIS family wasn't invited to my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary SMALL FAMILY DINNER at my uncle's house. My fiance's grandparents had a HUGE party for their 50th at a hotel and my grandparents were invited....(my fiance's sister JUST told me all this information). Now the problem here is that my fiance NEVER mentioned that any of this was bothering him. He's resorted to "I'm not going to change Christmas to be with your family and not mine" type of attitude. I know overall he's hurt...and he just DOESNT let go of the past. We HAVE talked about this but I dont know how I can work things out for us to COMPROMISE and SHARE TIME with BOTH families...which is just NORMAL. It seems that he feels the need to punish my family for not inviting him to about 4 events but doesn't he know that it is ME the one that is suffering? He also says "Oh NOW that we're engaged they want to invite me to EVERYTHING? I dont work that way..." I've had to go to family events ALONE already and its really depressing. HOW can I get him to let go of this childish and hurtful behavior? We DO have a mediator...his sister is being SO kind and trying to see if she could talk to my fiance and try to reason with him and so far it IS working just a bit....but I need advice on how I should continue this. We are attending mandatory marriage counseling classes with our church soon. Will these issues be brought up? I am dreading Thanksgiving....my family has a lunch and his family has a dinner. Ideally I'd love it for him to join me for family lunch at my uncle's house and then we both go on to dinner to his family's house. Help please...how can I have him do this? Thank you.... Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Have you been inviting him to your family's functions? It wasn't clear from your post. It sounds like you're expecting your parents to invite him but, IMO, that's your responsibility. As for the SMALL versus HUGE parties, I don't think that matters when it comes to your fiance. Grandparents, uncles, cousins, sure... but your fiance seems like he should be part of the small family gatherings. Finally, I've been in situations where I wasn't invited to an SO's family functions and I also didn't want to say anything. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Nobody wants to ask to be invited, especially because if you then are invited, it feels like they're only doing it out of guilt or obligation, not because they want you there. IMO, you should invite him yourself and insist that he come because you really want him there. Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 We are attending mandatory marriage counseling classes with our church soon. Will these issues be brought up? This is good news. You should be proactive and tell your pastor/counselor that it's an issue that you're worried about and that has already caused some conflict in your relationship. I'm sure he/she will be happy to work this topic into the counseling. It's a really common problem for couples and I'm sure your church counselors have experiencing helping with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerfairy142 Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Sometimes I've been told to invite him, but other times I haven't been told...and I am upset at myself because THOSE times I WISH I would have asked my family "By the way, can my boyfriend come too?"...but apparently at the time I didn't think it would be such a BIG DEAL now. (in fact i thought i was sparing my fiance, then boyfriend, the "boring" dinners with my family...I honestly didnt think he'd be hurt by it) Now he's got the attitude of "Well if I can't be invited to all, then I wont go to none" and he also didn't go to my grandparent's 50th anniversary because even though it was a small family gathering, he thinks HIS family should've been invited because they invited my GRANDPARENTS to his grandparent's big 50th wedding anniversary party at a Hilton about 12 years ago.... Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 he thinks HIS family should've been invited because they invited my GRANDPARENTS to his grandparent's big 50th wedding anniversary party at a Hilton about 12 years ago.... As far as that goes I think he's expecting a little too much. I do think you should have taken it upon yourself to invite him to all the past functions but nothing you can really do about that now. I think you should just invite him to everything from here on out. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 maybe the counseling session at the church is a good time to hammer out holiday visits, because you'll have the pastor/priest on hand to referee any disagreements. how do you feel about missing Christmas Day events with your family to spend the week with your in-laws? Is it a viable compromise to start out early with your family, then join your in-laws later in the day or even the next day? I'm assuming serious travel will be involved, but as long as he's open to compromise, there's a solution. Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 This is a tough problem that committed couples have to deal with. I really do think it will help to talk to a counselor. Advice from a neutral third-party who speaks from experience may be more convincing than just you alone talking to your fiance. The thing is, he has to understand that not all families are the same and he can't expect your family to have the same attitude as his. Both families were doing things their way long before you two even met, so it's a little naive and self-centered to assume that all of a sudden your entire extended family will change its ways for him. I know many couples who have long-term, good relationships whose parents don't really know each other well (maybe just at the wedding). I think that's totally normal and I'm really surprised he assumes your grandparents should be buddies. If it happens, great, but if it doesn't, it's not meant as a personal insult to him or his family. That said, I think pp is right that you should be making every effort to include him in any family events that you attend from now on. And it wouldn't hurt to make sure he knows that you feel badly for (unintentionally) hurting his feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerfairy142 Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Yes, I believe he's being too irrational about that whole issue, and yes, I HAVE been inviting to events, except this year's Mother's Day (which was before I knew about how he felt about things). How can I get through to him...I obviously can't change the past. What words can I use to basically let him realize how truly sorry I am, and how all I want is for us to be happy and not start off our marriage with this big problem? He also feels that my family doesn't like him 100% and that now they feel OBLIGATED to invite him because he's my fiance...and he thinks that's not being genuine and he doesnt want to go just because he doesn't want to be thought of as "the one we HAD to invite cause we have NO choice" Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 How old is he? He sounds very insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerfairy142 Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 I honestly have NO problem being with my in-laws for Christmas or New Years. What I have been doing is since my fiance has always left with his family on vacation on Christmas DAY or earlier (this year they're leaving Dec 19) what I do is I spend Christmas Day HERE and the 26th of December I hop on a plan and join them for the rest of the holidays. Ultimately I'd love to do that with my fiance...if it is that we plan to keep traveling with his family on holidays when we are married...it is absolutely FINE with me, I love my in-laws so much. I'd love to still travel with the OCCASIONALLY, as well as travel with my husband ALONE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerfairy142 Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 How old is he? He sounds very insecure. He's 25...turning 26 on March 22, 2008 I am 24....turning 25 on Feb 21, 2008 Link to post Share on other sites
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