help! - i'm dating dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde

[goldenlocks]

i'm dating this guy, and i find it very frustrating, because i can't figure him out.

 

we began dating not so long ago, and he was the one who went through some trouble asking me out and all, but since he's going between being very romantic, cozy and cute, and simply distancing himself from those situations. it is as if the moment he gets personal, he must run...

 

like the most recent date, we had a wonderful time, quite intimate, and afterwards he called me, and we had the coziest conversation until he suddenly started explaining to me how his life is complicated, and that we should't rush into things, and that he is saying all this because he doesn't want to play with my feelings (!), bla bla bla. you can see how this actually hurt my feelings - first of all i wasn't rushing anything, it was him that was being quite intense and then taking it back. i mean, dating for me is letting things evolve in their own pace. besides, it was as if he was saying "i like you, but i don't want to like you too much".

what happened later was that we decided on another day we can meet up and do something, but he came up with some idiotic excuses in the last minute. so i assumed that he got cold feet and wanted to cancel the entire affair, and so i left it at that. but no, he wasn't ready to let it all go, because he called me u some days later and was very nice, and personal, but shy, and wondered if i want to do something. this time i left him hanging.

 

so this is how far we have come. i really like this guy, unfortunately, but i am beginning to get really insecure about the entire deal - perhaps he is shy, and insecure and is scared of getting hurt and that's why he withdraws each time he shows too much of his feelings. on the other hand, my imagination is really taking me on a paranoid ride, whereas i am wondering if he perhaps is juggling several girls at once, and by saying that he doesn't want things to get too "complicated" he is just saying that he wants to have casual involvement with me and others without us being able to make any demands.

 

i'd really prefer to have this thing more casual, less of extremities, just take things as they are instead of having to deal with his "want" - "don't want" impulses. i just wish i knew what i can do to put this guy at ease, because i do have an open mind about things, as long as i know what it is i am keeping an open mind about. we could even be just friends, if that's what he wants. but the thing i hate the most is that he gives all those superintesne signals - cozy talks, romance bla bla and then runs off leaving me feeling totally stupid.

i guess this is a classical situation, but it's a little too much "highschool romance" for me, i'm used to men being a little more clear on what it is they want.

 

help!

[Tony T]

If you've been dating now for a while, I'd say it's time for you to talk to him about this. Communicating your feelings to us here won't help you one bit with your guy. He's the one who needs to understand that his behavior is not acceptable and rather annoying. Just come right out and tell him, nicely, exactly what it is that bothers you and see if he can come up with an explanation.

 

Communication is what it's all about. If you can't establish that early on in a relationship, it may never happen. If this guy gets upset because you are backing him into a corner, poop on him. You have an absolute right to know why he's jerking your feelings around. I personally wouldn't put up with it. Life is too short for that crap.

 

Be kind, be nice and put it in a sweet way so he doesn't feel he's being attacked, of course. But let him know exactly what you are seeing from your standpoint...and how it makes you feel. Let him now he needs to shift to another strategy. Of course, let him do some talking to. It could be fear, it could be he's dating other people, or it could be he just doesn't have a clue. If the two of you talk, you might be surprised at what could be resolved. At least you won't be in the dark anymore.

 

If for some reason he doesn't want to talk about it, stop dating him. It simply isn't worth going out with somebody who jerks your emotions around and then clams up about it.

[LondonChick]

Why are you confused? Cant you see he is emotionally immature. Stop trying to work him out and start a new chapter in your life without him. You havent been seeing him for long so it shouldnt hurt too much

[Carly]

How can you be so sure that when he cancelled your last date he was lying with some "idiotic" excuse? And you have an incredible ability to read this guy's thoughts, motives and feelings --someone you hardly know! Truth is you have absolutely no idea as to what is really going on in this guy's head or in his personal life -- a life that all you know is currently "complicated."

 

He may very well have legitimate (or highly ILlegitimate) reasons for keeping himself or his life private from you. My imagination could run wild with possibilitites, as yours could and does. But bottom line is, you just don't know yet what is keeping him distant, and it is too early in the game to be concerned.

 

There is a latin expression that I think you should commit to memory:

 

audio alterum partem (sp?)

 

You should memorize it because it sounds cool to quote Latin sometimes (OK, I'm old fashioned).

 

But even more importantly, you should memorize it because it means to listen to the other person speak. It is said by judges in courts of law, before they judge someone, so they hear both sides.

 

You hardly know this guy yet. The only reasons you give us for dumping him are YOUR negative interpretations of his behavior. Give him a chance to talk about his "complicated life" in his time. He doesn't owe you a complete discosure of his life just to date you.

 

Slow down with him. And stop jumping to conclusions about him. If you do dump him, let's hope it's for a REAL reason, and not for your uninformed attributions about him.

 

Good luck.