truckerwife Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have two beautiful children together and were supposed to be getting married in April 2008. In the beginning of October he went away for three weeks to attend a truck driving school. During his last week there he cheated on me with some girl he had only known for three days. He doesn't know why he done it and he had no excuse for it but he had failed a major test that night causing him to stay at school and extra 5 days so I believe his self-esteem was at an all time low and she had been throwing herself at him since she came to school. He gave the OW his cell phone number and she was calling him everyday since he had came home but he told me they were just friends. The fourth night he was home he came clean to me about everything because he said he couldn't stand lying to me anymore. He has promised me that he will never talk to her again and that it was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life. He says he never thought he could hurt me like this and that she never meant anything to him. I don't understand why he would give her his number and think that they could still be friends after he cheated on me with her. In my heart I forgive him for what he has done but I can't get the images out of my head. They are working for the same trucking company and she lives in the same state where his terminal is located. He promises me that he doesn't want anything to do with her. For the next year he will be gone for three weeks at a time. How can I know that I can trust him not to contact her while he's gone away from me?? If anybody has any ideas please help me!!! I love him with all my heart and he's my best friend. I need to know how to let go of the feelings of betrayal!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Sorry for your pain... 1st thing you have to do is call off the wedding, or atleast postpone it for now, recovery is a long process, marriage counselling etc.. Hate to say it, but he now needs to find another job, your relationship will fall apart if he goes off 3 weeks at a time right now. It takes up to a year, maybe even 2 years, so I'm not sure how he's supposed to prove himself to you if he's travelling so much and crossing paths with the OW. Does she know the A is over? Does she know you know about it? You both might want to send her a note (email) telling her to never contact your husband ever again. Is she married? If so, consider telling her spouse what has been going on. If you two didn't have children already I would tell you to dump him and find someone else, but because of those two kids, I can't. If he is genuinally sorry, and is ready to prove himself to you, in everyway possible, be an openbook, 24/7, then maybe you both can make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Hate to say it, but he now needs to find another job, your relationship will fall apart if he goes off 3 weeks at a time right now. It takes up to a year, maybe even 2 years, so I'm not sure how he's supposed to prove himself to you if he's travelling so much and crossing paths with the OW. Not only is this right, but it's a good test to see if he really wants to make it work. If he's sincere about working things out with you, he'll understand and quit. If he doesn't, that's a huge red flag and all you need to know. Don't delay... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
hollaxatholly Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Does she know the A is over? Does she know you know about it? You both might want to send her a note (email) telling her to never contact your husband ever again. Is she married? If so, consider telling her spouse what has been going on. From my experience, The W telling the OW is not a good idea...I don't think it will make much of an differerance. I think it's best if your husband does it, and not in a mean way. Otherwise, she will think you put him up to it and, who knows what he is telling her when he talks to her. It's hard to say....I wouldn't even know how to make sure it's over...if I ever found out my H was having an affair, I think I'd have to leave him for sure because I don't think theres any way to know for sure wether he is lying any more or not. Link to post Share on other sites
hollaxatholly Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Hate to say it, but he now needs to find another job, your relationship will fall apart if he goes off 3 weeks at a time right now. It takes up to a year, maybe even 2 years, so I'm not sure how he's supposed to prove himself to you if he's travelling so much and crossing paths with the OW. I would suggest that to him also, if he's still in the schooling process, I would think it wouldn't be real hard to just find another job. Seems kind of like alot to ask but I don't know how you could ever trust him, being away, near the OW for weeks at a time...I think if you and your children are important to him and he has no intentions of going back to her then he should understand that. Of course, I couldn't blame him for not wanting to quit his job either...but it seems like a smaller sacrifice than losing your family. tough situation... Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Major red flags here. Major. She had been throwing herself at him..(cough)..poor guy...another one caught by a psycho OW. Just friends. Can't stand lying to you....(ahem)...this usually means "I am on the verge of being busted" Sounds like OW is going to come clean on his butt and he wants to get you in his corner beforehand. Something is up. There is more to this story so you had best prepare yourself. she had been throwing herself at him since she came to school. He gave the OW his cell phone number and she was calling him everyday since he had came home but he told me they were just friends. The fourth night he was home he came clean to me about everything because he said he couldn't stand lying to me anymore. He has promised me that he will never talk to her again and that it was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life. He says he never thought he could hurt me like this and that she never meant anything to him. Link to post Share on other sites
heftysmurf Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Cancel/postpone the wedding. I am struggling myself with emotions and the kids being in the picture is a killer. You have time and I am starting to learn if I end the relationship it was a choice THEY forced me to make. Infidelity can always be avoided by communication. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 From my experience, The W telling the OW is not a good idea...I don't think it will make much of an differerance. I think it's best if your husband does it, and not in a mean way. Otherwise, she will think you put him up to it and, who knows what he is telling her when he talks to her. It's hard to say....I wouldn't even know how to make sure it's over...if I ever found out my H was having an affair, I think I'd have to leave him for sure because I don't think theres any way to know for sure wether he is lying any more or not. They need to do this together. Be a united front and the bottomline is, after that he needs to go NC with the OW. End of story. I think I'd have to leave him for sure because I don't think theres any way to know for sure wether he is lying any more or not If the cheating spouse is willing to do all that is required to make the marriage work, go to marriage counselling and do his/her best to prove himself/herself to their spouse, then it's worth a second chance. It's easy to say I'd leave and get divorced, but when you're actually in it, and you have a history, a house, friends, a child in the mix, it's hard to just give up on all that. People deserve second chances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truckerwife Posted November 9, 2007 Author Share Posted November 9, 2007 He wanted to quit the company after school. But the company paid for his schooling and he signed a year contract in order for him to quit we would have to pay the 6 thousand dollars back to the company up front. I told him to go because we can't afford that and without the year experience over-the-road his CDL's are worthless. I sent him back out there for our family. He didn't want to leave me here knowing that I didn't fully trust him. He has also changed his terminal to Arkansas instead of Ohio so there wouldn't be as big of a chance that they would run into each other. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Honestly, I would go the money route, even if you need to take out a bankloan, or borrow from a family member. Sorry, but this could ruin your marriage. I'm not saying he will or won't contact the OW, but you have no control over what she does and if she sees him on the road, they WILL have some kind of contact. I mean, is he strong enough to ignore her completely? Sorry, I don't mean to make you feel worse, but I think under these circumstances you both should discuss all options here. Better to be down 6 grand than have your marriage fall apart even more. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 She had been throwing herself at him..(cough)..poor guy...another one caught by a psycho OW. Just friends. Can't stand lying to you....(ahem)...this usually means "I am on the verge of being busted" Sounds like OW is going to come clean on his butt and he wants to get you in his corner beforehand. My thoughts exactly. PLEASE don't marry him unless you want a married life filled with lies and infidelity. You say he is your fiance, but you also say that YOU are on the hook for his schooling loan, and you talk about "our family". Are there kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author truckerwife Posted November 9, 2007 Author Share Posted November 9, 2007 Yes, we have 2 kids together. We have a house basically everything that married couples have except a marriage license. We were best friends for 2 years before we even became intimate. I really believe that it was a mistake and he regrets it. He has never made any excuses for what he did I've just tried to come up with something to make it all make sense in my mind. He says he doesn't know why it happened and he would do anything in the world to take it all back. He said he didn't want to lose what we have and I don't either. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 I'm going out on a limb here, but I've got to disagree with almost everyone on this thread - even WWIU, and that's pretty unusual for me. First, though, I absolutely and unequivocally disagree with solemate and coi. He told you what happened and that is a very good thing. Not wanting to lie to you does not in any way imply that "he was about to get busted". It probably means exactly what he says. He feels guilty and didn't want to lie to you anymore. The fact that he told you so soon after it happened is also a good thing. As well, obviously as the fact that he considered quitting the company, and did move his terminal to a different state. The fact that this woman was throwing herself at him does not absolve him of what he did, I hope you realize that. He obviously should have just dodged while she "threw" herself, and she could have fallen on her face . But the things he is doing now are all very good steps. Hopefully he won't run into this woman again, but even if he does, my sense is that he's going to keep her as far away from him as he can. I wouldn't rush into the marriage, but you two have a pretty long-term relationship already including children, so the marriage seems to be only a formality at this point anyway. Getting past what happened for you will take some time. Hopefully you two have phones that you can talk on whenever you've the need/desire. Long-haul trucking is treacherous for relationships under the best of circumstances because of the constant stress and long times apart. Since you both want this relationship to work out, though, you've both got to work really hard at keeping very open lines of communication. Make a point of talking every single day and make a point of talking about everything, including difficult stuff. I'd suggest that you personally get some IC, but it would be very good to get both of you into MC as well. I'm so sorry for your pain. If both of you want things to work out then you will both put in the amount of energy it takes. How long that will be depends upon the two of you, your capacity for forgiveness and your guys capacity for understanding the fear and shakiness you will be in for awhile. You will get a LOT of negative feedback on this site in regards to forgiveness. Don't let it mess with you. Forgiveness can be real, and a person can make a very bad mistake and never make it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truckerwife Posted November 10, 2007 Author Share Posted November 10, 2007 THANK YOU SILKTRICKS! I'm new at all this what does (WWIU) mean?? I want to take comfort in the fact that he did come clean to me when he could've just let me keep believing they were just friends. He was willing to throw away his career for me and I couldn't let him do that. It's easy for people to tell me to make him quit and we just pay the money but we are drowning in debt that's why he had to go on the road in the first place. We "both" have so much time and effort invested in this and our family would suffer tremendously if I had let him quit. He answered any questions I had and he still does. He sat there and took everything I dished out at him that night I even threw his ring at him and told him he made me sick and he was weak but he never got mad at me he just sat there and cried AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM CRY. The next morning he got on his hands and knees and begged me to put his ring back on. I did but I told him that if I found out that he didn't cut off contact with the OW that it was over. He calls me every morning when he wakes up before he heads out on the road and he calls me exactly 11 1/2 hours later every night when he gets parked and we talk for atleast an hour or two. I've never even seen the OW or even talked to her on the phone so she wouldn't have had the chance to tell me anything before he could. He came clean because he has never lied to me before and he just couldn't do it anymore. He told me about it a week after it happened. He was home for 4 more days after he told me and he didn't talk to her the whole time he was here. I'm not trying to excuse what he's done but I know he was feeling very down on himself because he failed the pre-trip test the first time and he wasn't strong enough to pick himself up. He's never made excuses for what he done and told me he didn't know why he done it. Wouldn't he have come up with some type of excuse if he didn't really regret what he had done. In my head I came up with the fact that he was vunerable from failing the test and he made a mistake (he never used that excuse) and I believe he deserves a second chance. I need someone to talk to who can give me positive advice if you can tell me anything more I would really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted November 10, 2007 Share Posted November 10, 2007 you are welcome. WWIU is shorthand for whichwayisup. She give VERY good advice and is a kind person. The bottom line, don't forget, is that only you and your guy really know your situation. We can all give advice till our tongues rot out, but you need to sift everything through the filter of your knowledge. I wish you the very best of luck. It sounds like you'll be able to work things out, though. You're both on the right track. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted November 10, 2007 Share Posted November 10, 2007 I am sorry for your pain Trucker wife, and I agree, I would NOT have him give up his job either ! It sounds like he made an honest mistake, is sorry and that otherwise you two have a good thing together. Besides, what is the guarantee that he won't cheat if he works at Walmart ? Affiars can happen anywhere ! I do so wish you the best of luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
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