I dont want to lose her

[Macca96]

Hey everybody. This is my first post on this forum.

 

I have been a husband to my wife for 5 years but im afraid that might be ending soon. The last year we have been drifting apart and doing things on our own more. She says she loves me but not IN love with me. She has just told me she is going to look for a flat on the weekend and stay there for 6 months to think.

 

She now prefers to do things on her own and i cant blame her because when we go shopping and do common weekly stuff i get grumpy because me feet get saw alot.

 

Im afraid if she moves out that she will prefer to be on her own but i dont want to lose her as i still love her very much.

 

I would appretiate any advice as to what i could do/say to prevent her from moving out. I have tried saying things like i will change, but she is afraid of being unhappy in the future aswell.

 

Cheers

[Ladyjane14]

You are not at obligation to tolerate a "Trial" Separation. That's wishful thinking on her part, because you can always lay your ears back and refuse to be dicked around. She needs your cooperation to pull off a temporary split... and you don't HAVE to give it.

 

You are at liberty to end the marriage out-of-hand if you like. Call me stubborn, but if my mate says he needs 6 months to think about if he wants to be with me or not... I'm likely to make the decision FOR him.

[Woggle]

Do you two have children? If not tell her to go ahead and leave and you will make it fast as possible. Do not waste your time beating your head against the wall over this women because she is not worth it.

[dbtmarley]

You are not at obligation to tolerate a "Trial" Separation. That's wishful thinking on her part, because you can always lay your ears back and refuse to be dicked around. She needs your cooperation to pull off a temporary split... and you don't HAVE to give it.

 

You are at liberty to end the marriage out-of-hand if you like. Call me stubborn, but if my mate says he needs 6 months to think about if he wants to be with me or not... I'm likely to make the decision FOR him.

 

 

EXACTLY!

 

 

I just want to add it sounds like it may be too late for you. You may have to let her go and make the changes to being a better mate without her.

[Gunny376]

You are not at obligation to tolerate a "Trial" Separation. That's wishful thinking on her part, because you can always lay your ears back and refuse to be dicked around. She needs your cooperation to pull off a temporary split... and you don't HAVE to give it.

 

You are at liberty to end the marriage out-of-hand if you like. Call me stubborn, but if my mate says he needs 6 months to think about if he wants to be with me or not... I'm likely to make the decision FOR him.

 

Damn straight!

 

Women has doubts? Its over!

 

Too many women in the world that appreciate, want, need, and looking for what a good man's got to offer!

 

"Come on! Keep the line moving!"

[reboot]

She says she loves me but not IN love with me.

 

She has just told me she is going to look for a flat on the weekend and stay there for 6 months to think.

Read more of the threads here and you'll learn what these words usually mean. I'll be glad to provide hints if it isn't clear enough.

[Macca96]

Thank u all for replying. i never thought i would be posting a thread on a forum like this before!

 

I havn't seen her since I posted this thread last night except for the morning before work. I knock off work early on fridays so she will be home later.

 

I have been driving myself up the wall trying to think of what to say to her when she gets home but I think I can pridict her answers. (eg. "I have made up my mind")

 

I want to say something that might change her mind. If I am preperd to make this marriage work and she isnt, does that mean its over?

 

At the moment, my last hope is that she will miss me and want to come back but at the same time I think she will not miss me and wont come back. Scary thought.

 

PS. We dont have kids and age is 30 (me) & 31

[bestadvisor]

Is she having an affair? If your answer is "no." How sure are you? Anything less than 99% sure will indicate that there is probably an affair going on now.

[sumdude]

Marriage is an all or nothing proposition... if she wants out then that's pretty much it... and you shouldn't settle for a maybe.

 

At first my X tried to make it sound like we might get back together... thing is that as soon as she saw me actually making those changes she couldn't get rrid of me fast enough.

 

Don't try to reason with her, that won't get you anywhere. Usually once a woman hits that point where she doesn't feel *it* for you it's a done deal... sorry... start movin on right now. No point in waiting around for her to change her mind ... again ... The more you fear losing something or someone the more likely you are to lose them... life's funny that way.

 

There are rare cases of people getting back together after separation but usually it doesn't work out. Just work on yourself for a while the rest will come in time and be prepared for anything without any expectations.

 

But hey 30 is great ... damn 30 - 35 were my favorite years .. so far that is.

[Macca96]

Is she having an affair? If your answer is "no." How sure are you? Anything less than 99% sure will indicate that there is probably an affair going on now.

 

I know for 100% that there is no affair going on. (well i hope not anyway!).

 

Mabey I'll just ride it out for a while. I think its just a case of "time will tell" I hope the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is true.

[bestadvisor]

I know for 100% that there is no affair going on. (well i hope not anyway!).

 

Mabey I'll just ride it out for a while. I think its just a case of "time will tell" I hope the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is true.

 

Few weeks ago, there is this man who is SURE that his wife was not involved in an affair, because she is a devoted Christian, etc. etc. Guess what, later he found out that she was in an affair. There was another man who's almost 100% sure that his wife was not in an affair, but she did (both emotional and physial) with a man from another country and continues the affair through email.

 

It doesn't hurt to be a little curious and suspicious whether there's an affair or not.

[Macca96]

Update... She comes home and heads straight to the PC in search of a flat to rent. We say a quick hello, how was your day, that sort of thing. A bit later we have a chat about us. Her main concern is that she hasn't been happy for the last year and she has felt lonly. She has told me this from time to time but I always thought she ment unhappy on tha particular day, not unhappy with the whole marriage. Im not a mind reader I said.

 

I will do what ever it takes to save my marriage but I think it might be too late **wipes a tear**

 

She has gone for a walk now and will be staying at her mothers house untill she finds a flat to rent.

 

Does anyone have any advice on convincing her to go to marriage counselling?

[Woggle]

If you want to change her mind tell her that if she wants you guys can start talking divorce. If I were you I would just get rid of her as fast as possible especially since you two have no kids. You can make a clean break for it and find somebody that is actually worth your time but if you really want to make a lasy ditch effort give her exactly what she wants and always appear to be happy without her. Once she senses that she is losing a grip on your heart she might just change her tune but if not you might just gain the strength to live without her. What is so damn great about this woman that she is worth stressing yourself over? Is a woman that gives up after things are less than 100% perfect 100% of the time and blames you for all your unhappiness really the type of woman you want to make a life with?

[Macca96]

I just cant see myself without my wife after 5 years of marriage. I completely understand how she feels and this is a real wake up call for me to change things around. No marriage is perfect but as soon as she blurts out that she wants to leave, she wont even consider trying to smooth things over and repairing our marriage.

 

If she told me this news earlier, we could of prevented this from happining.

 

She still cares for me and will still see me and take me shooping (dont have car licience because of epilepsy) so maybe all hope is not lost.

 

The fact I dont have a licience to drive makes me very dependent on her, which could be another factor.

 

She is going to my cousin's house tonight for a girl chat and drink . Hopfully my cousin will talk her into coming back but you no these woman... they have a habit of agreeing with each other in cases like this, particulary when they are the same age!

[LakesideDream]

Sadly Mac, the reality is that you are very likely being gaslighted. Read, read, and read some more. "I love you but am not in love with you" is female code for "Sorry Fella, gotta go, found a new penis to play with".

 

It hurt me when I found out. It hurt me when my best friend discovered his wife was sthooping one of his other buddies. There are literally two dozen threads currently published here on LS discribing your situation after the truth finally comes to light.

 

The 21st Century is a time of "walk away wives". The first half of the 20th Century was a period of largely "silent suffering" women, who were stuck in unsatisfactory male dominated marriages. In between was a transition, with the pill, the womens rights movement, NOW, and no fault divorce appearing on the scene. For better or worse, that's where we are.

 

When you wife finally admits that she was innocently having lunch in her workplace break room, and when she stood up to check on the microwave, somehow she slipped, and fell, accidentially impaling herself on a strangers penis.. which she can now not live without.... it will become clear she is just following her dream.

[bigheartkindsoul]

My older brother had a very similar problem recently, his wife was depressed because her Mum is dying but she really pushed my brother away, didn't want to go near him kissing, hugging or sex, said she wanted to seperate to the point he started looking for a flat.

 

Anyway what worked for him is he stopped chasing after her, he got on with his own things, started getting the house in order for selling if came to it, let her do her thing - because he didn't chase and push, she came back to him and they are working things through.

 

It was a rocky few months and first time I have ever heard my brother cry because the pressure just became too much.

 

They still fight a little but when I saw them together last weekend for the first time in months, they held hands, looked at each other lovingly.

 

Different things work for different people but it might be worth a try, just show your getting on with things, going out and it might work.

 

Oh and they have two children aswell, have been married for 5yrs together for 8 or so I think.

[Macca96]

I agree with you BHKS about getting on with things. I will not try and let this get me down too much. I think doing nothing in this situation only makes me feel more depressed and lonly.I don't know if I should give her an ultimatum or not to make up her mind in say 3 months or something as she may think I am trying to get rid of her.

[Kevinmajere]

Macca, I would be instresting in talking to your more about this. Im basically in the same boat as you and my heart feels torn out of its just. Just read the post and qoutes of "I love you, but not in love with you" means its game over, makes my eyes water and my wife sits on her pc wondering what I am reading. Its such a lonely day....

[hopeful26]

You: So you love me but you're not in love with me?

Her: Yep.

You: If you aren't willing to put 100% into this marriage then you need to pack your bags and leave.

 

Time to get the hell on with your life! Been through it. The only thing that "fixed" me was me. Had to wake up one day and realize that I deserve someone who is going to love me. How much time do you want to waste pouring 100% into a woman who doesn't love you?

 

I know how it feels. You just want to talk to her, try to fix things, work with her, hope she comes around. Sorry buddy, she's made it clear what she wants, and it has nothing to do with fixing anything between you! How long do you want to sit in limbo, wondering if maybe tomorrow she'll "wake up"? I don't know about you, but I HATED not knowing.

 

When my ex W was putting me through the same crap it wasn't until I sat her down one night and said, "It's 100% or nothing, right now. If it's nothing, then pack your bags and leave." Guess what? She left! Now if that isn't pretty damn clear I don't know what is! Not that her leaving felt good, but for the first time I knew what I was dealing with! Before that night, I had myself convinced that it wasn't really going to happen, this was just a phase, a rough spot in our marriage, something to work through. Well guess what? It takes two people to fix a marriage! Imagine if I hadn't told her to leave, how long would she have dragged me through the mud? 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? 20 years?

 

Don't worry about the ultimatum, she won't think you're trying to get rid of her! You've already made it perfectly clear that you don't want her to leave! She knows damn well what you want! But she doesn't care! Sure, there's a slim chance that she'll wake up and "see the light" when she realizes you're serious, but if she doesn't come around pronto, what have you got to lose? Nothing! You've already lost her!

 

There are approximately 567 gazillion (give or take ) women in this world, and I bet at least half of them would love to love you. You're a great guy, keep you're head up and keep posting.

[Macca96]

Hey everybody! Im back. So sorry for the late reply on my own thread. Just thought I would fill you in on whats been happening with my life.

 

Well my marriage is now in great shape now. She missed me and came crawling back to me after around 4 weeks. And whats more, she is pregnant!

 

So things arn't looking too bad atm

 

Thanx for all ur replies on this forum, u all helped me deal with my situation. ;P

[BusterBrown]

Macca, looks like you have been given an opportunity most of us in this situation do not get. If she is really interested in working this out, then you both need to bust your ass to get this thing working again! Don't get complacent! That's what got us all into this forum in the first place!

[NYCmitch25]

Thank u all for replying. i never thought i would be posting a thread on a forum like this before!

 

I havn't seen her since I posted this thread last night except for the morning before work. I knock off work early on fridays so she will be home later.

 

I have been driving myself up the wall trying to think of what to say to her when she gets home but I think I can pridict her answers. (eg. "I have made up my mind")

 

I want to say something that might change her mind. If I am preperd to make this marriage work and she isnt, does that mean its over?

 

At the moment, my last hope is that she will miss me and want to come back but at the same time I think she will not miss me and wont come back. Scary thought.

 

PS. We dont have kids and age is 30 (me) & 31

 

 

On the plus side - Hey no time like a divorce to sharpen your interpersonal skills !! *ugh* I'd say, since you love her still so much, and honestly I don't know why, put on your best face and SELL her on the idea of couples therapy.

 

The things to point out would be that couples do quite typically drift apart, that you take your vows seriously, that she is unique and special and that good relationships are always about working hard and finding common ground. You aplogize for not being communicative to her needs, and wished you could redo the last year but can only promise to work on improving your relationship with her. If you had something you could put in place of that, something specific to apoligize for or that you "understand her feelings" would be better..

 

I guess the elephant in the room is why is she leaving, do you even know why or what ? Hard to really give an answer without knowing that ..

[NYCmitch25]

Hey everybody! Im back. So sorry for the late reply on my own thread. Just thought I would fill you in on whats been happening with my life.

 

Well my marriage is now in great shape now. She missed me and came crawling back to me after around 4 weeks. And whats more, she is pregnant!

 

So things arn't looking too bad atm

 

Thanx for all ur replies on this forum, u all helped me deal with my situation. ;P

 

 

WOW I just read this after responding.. oops... Um still, I would work on things in CT..

[mark982]

she came back after 4 wks, hey great for you:) BUT she pregnant, i'd be checking in to if it's yours. om could of told her to take a hike. but good luck.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Be careful of putting up the "Mission Accomplished" banner just yet. There are issues that caused her to bolt in the first place. Four weeks is nothing. And she is pregnant.

 

Good luck, but there are still issues that *may* creep up in the near future.