Stalking and pursuing...but I still love him.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi everyone...

 

I've got this dilemma.

I was involved for six months with this guy who was a bit strange in some respects but I cared for him very much. He would play games when I was with him though, like one minute he'd want you and the next he would be distant and he would push you away at the slightest rejection and always want reassurance from you that you cared. To soothe his fragile ego you would have to pursue sometimes and be the aggressor and I found that too hard at the time since my own self-esteem was very low and I feared rejection too much myself. I came to the conclusion that he must have borderline personality disorder or something.

 

Eventuallly I initiated five months NC because he was seeking constant reassurance about his desirability by flirting with and pursuing other women, such as his young students and colleagues. To others he appears very charming and outgoing but he was quieter with me and more himself and that was one of the reasons I loved him.

 

I missed him though all the time we were apart and I went back to college this year to study musical theatre and it coincides with his class. We finish at the same time.

 

This is the problem I have. I approached him on the first night and said hi and he kissed me on the cheek and said good to see you. That night he followed me home in his car up the hill. Next week I saw him again and said hi in the canteen. Next week he is at the door when I leave but I walked by, thinking he was not interested in reconciliation. Next week I wait at the exit because it's pouring with rain and he sees me there and parks his car at the gate waiting. When I leave he offers me a lift home. I kiss him on the cheek when I get back and then he's not in touch and I think he's not really interested. I see him with another girl in the town and walk by disdainfully. Next week I go home and he follows me back in his car through the town. I see him parked outside tescos watching me and when I approach he speeds off. Then he drives past me again and looks over. Then this week again I get to college and he's there at the entrance waiting. I say hi and think nothing of it. I walk home and he pulls up again outside of tescos. I'm a bit freaked out but he gives me a lift again. He asks if there's anywhere I'd like to go and I say lets just drive home because I feel like I'm being stalked. He kisses me on the cheek when we get back and says "all the best..take care".

 

The thing is...I still love this man. But everyone is telling me to steer clear of him now for two significant reasons: 1) He tried to strangle me in bed 2) He had a restraining order taken out against him a few years ago.

 

So I don't really know what to do. I know I should steer clear of him. But maybe this is just his way of showing that he wants to be with me still. I know I shouldn't still love him and want to be with him but I feel sorry for him in a way and I can't just tell him to get lost.

 

Please, anyone...how bad do you think this "stalking" is and would you even classify it as dangerous or stalking? A couple of times before as well, he would appear out of nowhere and surprise me.

 

Would I be crazy to want to get back together with him now, even if I still cared for him? I need to hear some views on this please. All honest replies appreciated. I'm thinking of writing him an e-mail thanking him for the ride but would that look crazy in light of his behaviour?

 

Love to all x

[Scorpio13c]

Lady Disdain,

After reading, i actually fear for your safety!

Do whatever you can to get some protection, this guy is not displaying normal behaviour. He's displaying Psychotic behaviour!

Please get some help now!

Scorp

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Oh god Scorpio13c...I sent him an email saying I had a nice drive because I felt like doing something nice for him.

I know I shouldn't have done it and I shouldn't get involved anymore with him.

 

The thing is...he was so embarrassed that I saw him I think he appeared next time outside tescos pretending he went there to do his shopping! He lives in a totally different town though. I just didn't want to leave him feeling like a freak or something.

 

I made a joke out of the incident when I saw him but I suppose I should take it more seriously. The thing is...he doesn't seem psychotic really. He's very successful and always surrounded by people.

 

Love DLD x

[sedgwick]

It could very well be a matter of life and death that you get away from this guy. Seriously, this is a dangerous situation you're in. Physical abuse is the number one deal breaker!! Do whatever you have to do -- therapy, whatever -- to help you process this breakup.

[Spinderella]

DLD, I saw from your other post you sent the email. I hoped you wouldnt.

Okay it is done now, so look at the situation as it now is. Dont freak out, because it will scare you into seeing things in a good light again.

Be calm, it is okay.

Just thinking....

[isntitironic]

WOW these are times when i thik these sites should be policed

[Spinderella]

Okay, you sent the email, just leave it at that.

Look at it this way, the worse he behaves, the stronger a case you have for a restraining order against him.

DO NOT spend any time or accept any more lifts from him.

Thats that, be done with it in your mind.

 

Your mind is logically trying to understand the situation, and coming up with reasons why he is okay. "Good job" etc...

You will always know the truth of a situation if you look at how your body responds to it. Don't try to THINK it, it will tie you up in knots.

 

Do you have friends or family around you?

It sounds as though you have some people around you who were warning you against him. Stick with them, and dont be afraid to ask for help.

 

Go back to whoever you see for your bpd, go back to a proffessional, and tell them about the situation you have found yourself in. I dont know much about it, but I think not recognising this kind of situation is one of the symptoms.

[Spinderella]

WOW these are times when i thik these sites should be policed

What do you mean?

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thank you everyone for your concerns.

 

Maybe I am being far too naive about this. When he strangled me I just thought it was because he was a bit kinky (he is into S&M but so are lots of people). It was a bit weird though because he actually did it when we woke in the morning as well, just for a second then he stopped. This was the first night we spent together and he didn't ever do it after that though we hardly ever went to bed together really. He also tried to pin me down on the bed one night but I stopped him. He never normally drinks but he said he acted like that in bed because he had drunk some red wine that night.

 

But I'm fine, I'm alive and still here. I'd rather not get the police involved. I do have friends and family around me who are telling me to steer clear of him. Spinderella it was interesting what you said about the body warning you and the mind denying everything. I was so nervous when I saw him and for some reason I found it very hard to make eye contact or touch him at all.

 

He has never hit me or shouted or acted violent or aggressive. Neither did he act very jealous or possessive.

 

I'm just trying not to think about it and relax like you said Spinderella.

 

But is it that bad if it is just once a week after college? He doesn't harrass me in the meantime.

 

Thank you everyone x

[Spinderella]

You are trying to think it again. "Is it that bad..."

You will feel the answers. Any kind of anxiety at all.

Really though, you should be getting some more help for bpd.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thank you Spinderella. I will do and I'm just not thinking about it any longer now.

 

The ironic thing is, I'm always posting and telling people to get out of toxic relationships. I should read my own posts and pretend they're someone else's I guess.

 

I'll follow my instincts and my feelings more. You were remarkably perceptive about that. Like when I press the send button my hands are shaking and everything with this guy.

 

I admit that I am still confused though and that is partly why I sent the email. Because I was curious to see the response...I think I still really like him but having read all these replies about the police and psychotic behaviour I am very confused about it all and worried.

 

I hope that things are going well for you anyway and I wish you a good weekend. I think that I absolutely must cut off contact after this really but it will look like I am messing him around because I sent him that email - but a part of me still wants to stay. Is that what you meant when you said, the worse he behaves the greater the case for a restraining order? I don't know...I can't imagine involving the police but I'll bear your advice in mind and read up again on the BPD.

 

Isntitironic...were you being ironic with that statement or sincere? I wasn't sure.

Please can anyone else help who knows about or is experienced with these things?

 

Love DLD x

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Scorpio13c what sort of help did you think I should get? Do you mean like maybe speak to the police? Is this what you were implying as well, isntitironic? I am worried - I think I may have Stockholm Syndrome or something...I have been unable to sleep properly since all of this has started happening and I feel nervous about going to college or seeing his car...

 

Thanks for your concerns love DLD x

[Spinderella]

DLD,

Have you told anybody else about this?

Listen, if something makes you feel anxious, then you need to steer clear from the situation. Thats the bottom line, okay.

You WILL be okay, dont worry, but you NEED to keep away. And any other behaviour you see from him, deal with it as and when it happens.

If he follows you, tell him to stop. If he continues or if you are at all concerned, then contact the police.

Perhaps you need to seperate your feelings for him from the reality of the situation. Is anybody helping you to do this?

Keep calm.

Have you considered telling someone at the college?

I dont know if others would agree, but, I think there are more important things than your education at the moment. Like getting your mental health stable, finding your inner strength, your centre...

Why are you reading up on BPD yourself. Isnt a professional helping you with this? If you dont like conventional treatments, there are other things that have been considered to be helpful for BPD, such as meditation, but again, a professional should be guiding you with this.

Is there any way you can get away physically from there for a little while, so that you can gather some strength? Any friends or family that you can stay with?

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi Spinderella...no, I definitely can't get away from here and the only people who I'm closest to work at the college and I feel like I can't tell them.

But hopefully nothing else will happen tomorrow when I go to college. I have had no reply to that email so...I guess he doesn't want to reveal his intentions.

 

But I'm kind of feeling permanantly on edge...I'll report back and thankyou once again for your calm words.

 

Love DLD x

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi there...please can anyone advise me. I'm sure this is not that much to worry about, but I did well, I went to college, I ignored him, walked up the road with Chris...went back a bit of a different way.

 

But I saw him driving past again and he waved at me. He lives the other way...

 

His stupid games! I'm considering documenting the times I've seen him.

 

Love DLD x

[MattyTee]

Hey DLD

 

I would say that Spinderella and Scorp are right, this is _NOT_ normal behaviour from him. As they said you need to tell him to leave you alone or you will contact the police and possibly even contact the police anyway. I would also agree it might be an idea to tell someone at college. It's all very well documenting those times but you need to take it seriously, he needs to know his games are not welcome, whatever they may be.

 

Be safe, it's better than being sorry

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thank you Matty Tee...I think I will do it just in case, but I feel fine now and strong enough to move on with this and put it behind me. I certainly won't have any more contact with him now.

 

My biggest mistake was sending the email but that's in the past now anyway...

 

Love DLD x

[Sw3etdev1L]

if you are saying he is weird....I mean just think about it..would you like your kids to be weird too and borderline stalkers with insecurity??.

Would you like that kind of father for them?

I don't think so..I mean, then why should you want a partner who you are not so sure about? He is just gonna make you suffer.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Yeah I'm realising that after a long time. I realised how much my confidence had been eroded today and I felt damn proud for walking by him and ignoring him yesterday and that's what I intend to keep doing now.

 

Thanks for your post...sick thing is, I think he likes to see me suffer. But I know I'm worth a lot more. Already I've gained some self-esteem back. Reading my first post here I can see how pathetic it sounds. I've decided to get rid! Especially after he ignored my text and when I told him I had a leading role in a Midsummer Night's Dream he's not even interested. Who wants to feel like a zero? I'm shot of him.

 

I don't love him anymore - he is so vain and arrogant.

 

Take care

 

Love DLD x

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Sorry to post about this again but I have been ignoring him and I haven't made eye contact since I sent that email.

 

However last week he followed me again after college. Not only that but I saw him on saturday last weekend, drive by me and this weekend he drove past me on sunday, smiling as he passed with this massive smile. I don't know what's going on in his head. He lives in another town. I'm starting to think he has one of those GPS things...

 

Do you think I should speak to the police?

 

Love DLD x