Can we get past being friends?

[dkmyfilet]

Hello there. New here but have been lurking for awhile.

 

I'm divorced and have been dating for a few years, mainly online dating. I have had a few STRs and a couple LTRs, but there's always one thing lacking. And that is the strong emotional connection. And I'm starting to get frustrated with myself.

 

I'm now in a R with a guy for over two months. He's 5 yrs older. We get along fabulously. We are very alike in our beliefs, our interests, our idea of fun, and sexually too. We can sit and talk for hours and about absolutely anythng. Its actually the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Other than a few little quirky things that bugged me, it was/is all great. I broke up with him a few weeks ago because I realized he was feeling more like a friend to me than a love interest. He understood completely, that if that spark isn't there, its just not there. But we still decided to be friends and hang out together.

 

We hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks but were still emailing. And then we got together to go to a party. We had a fantastic time and I ended up staying over with him. To be honest, the sexual attraction is still really powerful between us. So we decided to give it a try again and just see where it goes.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is... is there anyone who's had a great R with someone they were really fond of, had a ridiculous sexual attraction for, but didn't feel "love" for the person? And should I even be expecting to have more emotional feelings about him at this point or is it too early? I mean, I gave up because I wasn't "feeling" more emotion in two months. But everything else is so great between us, its like a shame to give it up already. Its all there but that one emotion. And I'm doubting that it will happen, but I don't know why. Is it possible that we can grow in that department? Has anyone ever experienced something like this?

[touchedbyfire]

Hello there. New here but have been lurking for awhile.

 

I'm divorced and have been dating for a few years, mainly online dating. I have had a few STRs and a couple LTRs, but there's always one thing lacking. And that is the strong emotional connection. And I'm starting to get frustrated with myself.

 

I'm now in a R with a guy for over two months. He's 5 yrs older. We get along fabulously. We are very alike in our beliefs, our interests, our idea of fun, and sexually too. We can sit and talk for hours and about absolutely anythng. Its actually the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Other than a few little quirky things that bugged me, it was/is all great. I broke up with him a few weeks ago because I realized he was feeling more like a friend to me than a love interest. He understood completely, that if that spark isn't there, its just not there. But we still decided to be friends and hang out together.

 

We hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks but were still emailing. And then we got together to go to a party. We had a fantastic time and I ended up staying over with him. To be honest, the sexual attraction is still really powerful between us. So we decided to give it a try again and just see where it goes.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is... is there anyone who's had a great R with someone they were really fond of, had a ridiculous sexual attraction for, but didn't feel "love" for the person? And should I even be expecting to have more emotional feelings about him at this point or is it too early? I mean, I gave up because I wasn't "feeling" more emotion in two months. But everything else is so great between us, its like a shame to give it up already. Its all there but that one emotion. And I'm doubting that it will happen, but I don't know why. Is it possible that we can grow in that department? Has anyone ever experienced something like this?

You get along, you trust him, AND you're sexually attracted. Um, to me - that IS love. Was there something that you felt for your ex-husband that you're not feeling here? I think it's a big mistake to let this go. Many people spend a lifetime searching for the kind of connection it sounds like you two have.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

The more time you spend with him, the more attracted you should be to him.

 

If the sex is so great, why aren't you seeing a few stars????

 

Something doesn't add up. Is there something missing??

[dkmyfilet]

You get along, you trust him, AND you're sexually attracted. Um, to me - that IS love. Was there something that you felt for your ex-husband that you're not feeling here? I think it's a big mistake to let this go. Many people spend a lifetime searching for the kind of connection it sounds like you two have.

 

Hey, thanks for responding.

 

Yes, it is a wonderful relationship and the kind that I have been searching for. Its basically perfect! Except... that I don't feel like I'm in love with him. I was in love with my exh when I married him. I have affection for him, but not "love". Which is why I asked if anyone has experienced this kind of thing and eventually felt that love. If I could reach that point, then I really would have it all, wouldn't I?

[dkmyfilet]

The more time you spend with him, the more attracted you should be to him.

 

If the sex is so great, why aren't you seeing a few stars????

 

Something doesn't add up. Is there something missing??

 

Yes, sex is great, but no, not stars. Not love. And that is what's missing. I guess I'm hoping it does grow into more, again, why I asked if anyone has ever experienced this.

[touchedbyfire]

Yes, sex is great, but no, not stars. Not love. And that is what's missing. I guess I'm hoping it does grow into more, again, why I asked if anyone has ever experienced this.

This is only my opinion, but I think you're looking for something that is a myth. Not in the sense that it's not real. But in the sense that it is essential, or even important to a real, meaningful relationship. Even with your ex-husband, the "stars" faded, no? And obviously, it was not an indication that it would result in a fulfilling lifelong deep relationship.

 

My opinion is that there are millions of people out there in relationships who would give anything to have what you have right now. And that many people who experience "stars" suffer the pains of a doomed relationship simply because they think "stars" must mean that the relationship would work. Love is not an objectively defined entity, nor does it remain fixed. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide whether what you have now is enough. But be careful of what you may be sacrificing. I think you may be taking what you have a little bit for granted.

[dkmyfilet]

Without getting into details of my exh, let's just say I was young and didn't know better back then. And now I've seen too much to know that I will not settle for anything less than everything. That's why this new R has me so confused. I really have been searching for a relationship like this and now its right in my hands.

 

Maybe its just that I always wanted to have the kind of love I read about in all those romance novels. I know it sounds silly, but why is that so bad and why does it have to be a myth?

 

I did decide to try this again and admitted to him this is just too good to give up. Again, he's totally on the same page. He is very patient and said let's just take it one day at a time. Like, no pressure, you know? Funny thing is, once there was no pressure, I was going back to him!

 

No, I don't want to mess this up. I guess I will just see where it goes. It deserves a chance. But I can't say that it will last if those true feelings don't come along sooner or later. I don't think its wrong to want to be in love too. I am starting to go easier on myself though, not get so hung up on it, and appreciate what we do have even more. Hell, even my dad really likes him and I don't even need his approval anymore! lol