Yesterday was the Perfect opportunity for him to break things off...

[Gwyneth]

Instead, he worked really hard to keep things together.

 

Here's what happened:

 

His schedule at work changed at last minute--something he knew could happen any day since it goes by seniority. I didn't see him at the usual place yesterday so I just asumed he took the day off since he had said he was going to. Well late morning I received two emails from him saying he has to change his schedule, and that he was home, and was discussing with me which schedule he should opt for. I thought that was sweet of him to include me in on this decision, and that he was trying to work it out so that he and I could still see each other as often as we have been.

 

I thought, though, that at this moment more than ever, he could easily have slipped away and just forgot about me. He didn't though. Instead, he touched base with me about what was going on and considered me and my schedule in his decision making.

 

Today he again touched base with me and told me at what time we could still see each other during the work day.

 

Is this a typical married man who is having "just" an affair? I feel special that he is including me--I know half of you will disagree and lecture me on All the reasons why I should Not let this man make me feel special, but he just does. More reason for me to be "proud" in this relationship with him. It was so easy for him to slip, run away, but he didn't. He told me he misses seeing me already, as we haven't seen each other since Wednesday.

 

How should I take this? I am taking it as a compliment.

[NoIDidn't]

I can see how you would take it as a compliment, but its not.

 

He is trying to keep things the way HE likes them. His schedule is changing, so he is attempting to get you in line with when he can see you. Just another part of the affair. You being at the mercy of his schedule.

[Mustang Sally]

Is this a typical married man who is having "just" an affair?

 

Uh.

Yeah.

It is very likely to be.

You have been told this enough, on this board (I've seen your other threads) and there are enough stories of OW/MM here to substantiate this possibility.

 

All the reasons why I should Not let this man make me feel special, but he just does.

I prefer to view it as you letting you feel special secondary to his actions. It's all about who one assigns the credit (or blame?) to...

 

More reason for me to be "proud" in this relationship with him. It was so easy for him to slip, run away, but he didn't. He told me he misses seeing me already, as we haven't seen each other since Wednesday.

 

How should I take this? I am taking it as a compliment.

You know?

Whatever works for you.

There's no sense, in my opinion, for half of LS to try to take a 2 x 4 to you to beat some other notion into your head.

 

I certainly do NOT see what you have represented here about you and this MM the same way you do.

 

But what matters is what YOU want to make of it. You have told us that you are comfortable that he is NOT the typical lying MM...that he really does feel for you...

So why question all these little things? If you are comfortable in your R with him, then don't let your insecurities get the best of you. Right?

[SoleMate]

You may well be able to keep this affair going for years. Here are some tips for success:

1. Let him call the shots
   
2. Don't nag or whine
   
3. Don't ask for anything for yourself
   
4. Don't expect holidays, weekends, or evenings
   
5. Don't expect anything but what he wants to give you
   
6. Get used to eating leftovers, both literally and figuratively
   
7. Make sure his time with you causes him no stress whatsoever
   
8. Always be available on his schedule
   
9. Take any act of his as a sign of his devotion to you, no matter how it appears to others
   
10. Etc.
    

[Gwyneth]

You may well be able to keep this affair going for years. Here are some tips for success:

1. Let him call the shots
   
2. Don't nag or whine
   
3. Don't ask for anything for yourself
   
4. Don't expect holidays, weekends, or evenings
   
5. Don't expect anything but what he wants to give you
   
6. Get used to eating leftovers, both literally and figuratively
   
7. Make sure his time with you causes him no stress whatsoever
   
8. Always be available on his schedule
   
9. Take any act of his as a sign of his devotion to you, no matter how it appears to others
   
10. Etc.

 

Years??? No thanks LOL. I can only take so much of a man at this point of my life.

 

I knew going into this I wouldn't have all the things a single man could give me--and I don't expect them. Although I might get Holidays cuz wifey doesn't celebrate Holidays. I'm not bringing him around my family, though. What's the point? It's not like that, and I'm one OW who knows and accepts that. I just figured, here's the opportunity for him to work at his marriage and let me go, but he isn't--instead, he's trying to find ways that we can both still see each other during work hours.

[NoIDidn't]

I just figured, here's the opportunity for him to work at his marriage and let me go, but he isn't--instead, he's trying to find ways that we can both still see each other during work hours.

 

Thus perfectly following #9. This is no compliment. This is him calling to make sure that you are still on board with the arrangement, even though his schedule has to change.

 

You are thinking like a woman with feelings involved. Thinking that he will eventually work on his M. But he is thinking like a man that is getting what he wants and feels entitled to. He isn't going to work on his M. He isn't thinking about his M. He is thinking about himself and his own comfort. You are part of his comfort. He wants to make sure that you are still going to be available when HE has the time. He asked you which time change works for him still seeing you. He is asking you to rearrange your schedule too, if you see it.

 

He is not going to give up a R that's under his control.

[luvmy2ns]

So this guy has a wife and you, and you feel special? That wouldn't make me feel very special.

[Meaplus3]

So this guy has a wife and you, and you feel special? That wouldn't make me feel very special.

 

I have to agree with luvmy2ns here.

[whichwayisup]

You may well be able to keep this affair going for years. Here are some tips for success:

1. Let him call the shots
   
2. Don't nag or whine
   
3. Don't ask for anything for yourself
   
4. Don't expect holidays, weekends, or evenings
   
5. Don't expect anything but what he wants to give you
   
6. Get used to eating leftovers, both literally and figuratively
   
7. Make sure his time with you causes him no stress whatsoever
   
8. Always be available on his schedule
   
9. Take any act of his as a sign of his devotion to you, no matter how it appears to others
   
10. Etc.
    

This reminds me of the 1955 The Good Husband's Guide from Housekeeping Monthly. And it ain't flattering.

 

It all depends on where your frame of mind is, but since you're smack in the middle of your affair, (which will soon lead to SEX once you follow HIS rules and boundries), you won't see anything anyone is trying to tell you because you want to see things your way. You feel special, desired, wanted by him. Until that changes, you won't see what we're saying.

[PandorasBox]

I can see how you would take it as a compliment, but its not.

 

He is trying to keep things the way HE likes them. His schedule is changing, so he is attempting to get you in line with when he can see you. Just another part of the affair. You being at the mercy of his schedule.

 

 

~I agree with this.

 

Years??? No thanks LOL. I can only take so much of a man at this point of my life.

 

~Well, thank goodness you can only take so much of the MM instead of dragging it out for years. I'm sure when the wife finds out she'll be grateful it wasn't for years.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I thought, though, that at this moment more than ever, he could easily have slipped away and just forgot about me. He didn't though.

 

Why would he? You allow him to keep you around as a compliant and discreet OW, and he continues to get away with it on the homefront. As long as you continue to 'be there' for him, and he continues to get away with it, he will continue the affair. He will end things when he either gets bored, busted, or finds an OOW.

[Gwyneth]

I can't predict how long this will last. He will ask me now and then if I know, and I basically told him at least until I find someone else because, as I have said before, I will not engage in the act of cheating on my partner / husband. That's just not My style. Yes, I am in an affair with a MM, but it's His choice to cheat on His wife. I am going along for the ride. Yes, I am hurting her, but hey, that's his choice too.

 

No, he doesn't have control over this R between he and I. I'm sorry some of you feel that way. This is pretty much a mutual thing, but I'm not here asking who has control over the relationship. I just wanted to know if I should feel special in any way that he is checking with me about his new schedule. I think that's hopeful, don't you guys? I mean, it's not like he's pushing me away and I wanted to point out that here is that opportunity for him to do so, but he isn't. This further proves to me that he is extremely unhappy in his marriage as he is Still trying to pursue a R with me.

 

I wanted to know, from other OW's persepctives, if this is what their MM do as well--still try to find time to find them no matter what.

[NoIDidn't]

When in the A with an OW, of course the MM tries to find the OW no matter what. As long as the OW is a willing participant in keeping his secret a secret, he wants to be with her.

 

Now, you tell his W who "gwyneth" is, and his availability will likely change.

 

BTW, I think most of us understood what you were asking. Problem is, you don't seem to see how much you are seeking to justify his actions as if somehow we haven't seen this before. We have. We are not surprised by his actions. You are.

 

I hope you are paying attention to what many have said to you already. Whether you plan to get another man or not.

[whichwayisup]

I can't predict how long this will last. He will ask me now and then if I know, and I basically told him at least until I find someone else because, as I have said before, I will not engage in the act of cheating on my partner / husband.

 

What you don't see though is, you ARE having an affair with him. See, you may never cheat on your future spouse, boyfriend, whomever, but you are helping this man cheat on his wife, the woman whom you HATE and have NO respect for.

 

Another thing, you'll NEVER meet anyone else as long as you have him in your life this way. You have feelings for him, and because of your emotional attachment to him you won't be 'looking' let alone 'allowing' yourself to fall for anyone else but him. I know you cannot see that now, but someday you will.

[PandorasBox]

I can't predict how long this will last. He will ask me now and then if I know, and I basically told him at least until I find someone else because, as I have said before, I will not engage in the act of cheating on my partner / husband. That's just not My style. Yes, I am in an affair with a MM, but it's His choice to cheat on His wife. I am going along for the ride. Yes, I am hurting her, but hey, that's his choice too.

 

 

~I'm sorry I just do not get this mentality. Yes, it might be HIS choice to be involved with you while he is married, BUT, it is YOUR choice to say ok I'm in with you on it, or to walk away. So you are helping to create this "affair."

 

~If you say you may be with him until you at least find someone else, are you saying you can't be without a man period? Are you afraid of being alone, so instead you're with a MM until you can find the right man that is single to be with?

[EnigmaXOXO]

You ask:

 

I just wanted to know if I should feel special in any way that he is checking with me about his new schedule.

 

And then answer your own question with:

 

This further proves to me that he is extremely unhappy in his marriage as he is Still trying to pursue a R with me.

 

When others respond honestly, you blow off any opinion that isn’t in line with the one you’ve already formed ... and in a sense, demanding “validation” rather than genuine perspectives. You further attempt to better your odds for hearing only what you want to hear by requesting that ONLY people who are in the same confusing situation as you should bother to respond.

 

Sadly, the only thing you get by doing that is maybe one or two fellow enablers and not necessarily the kind of help or clarity you claim to be searching for when you post your many questions to this ‘open’ forum.

 

Go-Nowhere relationship aside, I’m worried you’re wasting your valuable time and energy in more ways than one.

 

And YES ... so are probably the rest of us who continue to feel enough concern for your situation to respond.

[Gwyneth]

I'm definitely Not afraid of being along. I'm more of an independent woman than a dependent. I don't go from man to man--that's just not my style.

 

I was just saying to him that if I do find someone else and we're still doing this, then it's over.

 

BTW, I do keep my eyes open out for other men. There is one at work who I think might be interested in me and so I'm keeping that as an option. Why not, what do I have to lose? A MM? No, no loss there. I'll get over this emotional affair if it means moving on with someone who is single and ready to be in a R with a single woman.

 

Our affair is not really a secret other than to his wife. His coworkers know, and my friends and some family knows. His coworkers encourage him to forget about the wife and enjoy what he has to me. Cruel, but hey, I think he must tell them things about his marriage that he's telling me, and he must not be lying. Why would they tell their happily married friend/coworker to go ahead and have an affair? He seeks divorce advice from them...but seeking and doing are two completely different things, I know. I'm not counting on D to happen, but still, the fact that his coworkers encourage him to go ahead with this affair means something.

[imstunned]

Hey Gwyneth - so far is my head up my own arse at the moment that I havent read through all of your posts - and dont fully know your situation.

 

However - I was recently well and truly thrown under the bus by exmm. In the course of our dating (later to be revealed as an affair) I gave the guy many opportunities to get out. I made it so easy for him to - he never ever took me up on it. He didnt didnt want to. Why would he? He wanted to see me. Whats the point in having another woman unless you are gonna see her?

 

As soon as his wife discovered about me - I was history. I havent seen him since August. Been NC for 5 weeks. No other man stands a chance in hell with me really as I am still in love with somebody (no matter that he dosent exist). You wont be free to meet anyone else while you are involved with a MM - and more than likely you wont be free untill a good while after the affair ends.

[NoIDidn't]

When others respond honestly, you blow off any opinion that isn’t in line with the one you’ve already formed ... and in a sense, demanding “validation” rather than genuine perspectives.

 

That's what I was trying to say. She is looking for someone else to say "yes, he really does love you if he is rearranging his schedule for you". But that isn't what he is doing. His schedule is changing and he expects her to deal with it with him.

 

Not flattering. But it will be awhile before she can see that.

[PandorasBox]

Why not, what do I have to lose? A MM? No, no loss there.

 

~Onc again I do not get this at all. You were saying in earlier threads how you were "proud" that you had him in your life, and other things as well, but now you say, "no loss." Which is it? It seems like wishy washy thinking.

 

 

 

Our affair is not really a secret other than to his wife. His coworkers know, and my friends and some family knows. His coworkers encourage him to forget about the wife and enjoy what he has to me.

 

~If co-workers know and friends, you can bet that if not already, then at some point one of those friends or co-workers will rat you out. Don't think it can't/wont happen. They may not come right out and tell the wife, but they may go about it in a way that she picks up on what they might be saying.

[Gwyneth]

Why not, what do I have to lose? A MM? No, no loss there.

 

~Onc again I do not get this at all. You were saying in earlier threads how you were "proud" that you had him in your life, and other things as well, but now you say, "no loss." Which is it? It seems like wishy washy thinking.

 

 

 

Our affair is not really a secret other than to his wife. His coworkers know, and my friends and some family knows. His coworkers encourage him to forget about the wife and enjoy what he has to me.

 

~If co-workers know and friends, you can bet that if not already, then at some point one of those friends or co-workers will rat you out. Don't think it can't/wont happen. They may not come right out and tell the wife, but they may go about it in a way that she picks up on what they might be saying.

 

I highly doubt she will find out this way. She already suspects someone else and knows my name, as she knows he is in contact via email. SMS, and phone with a girl named Gwyneth. So it should really be of no surprise to her if she does find out the truth.

 

No offence, and I respect all opinions, but I would rather opions from peopel such as imstunned because she has been in the same situation I am in. How can you properly provide guidance and opinions if you've never been in this situation yourself? That's like telling someone what it's like to have your wisdom teeth pulled when you yourself have never!

 

Again, I am only proud of having him in my life, but if I find someone I want to be in love with and in a loving R with, then so be it--I will. Doesn't mean he and I cannot continue on being friends--I don't Ever push exes out of my life and try to be friends with them afterward if the opportunity presents itself.

[PandorasBox]

No offence, and I respect all opinions, but I would rather opions from peopel such as imstunned because she has been in the same situation I am in. How can you properly provide guidance and opinions if you've never been in this situation yourself? That's like telling someone what it's like to have your wisdom teeth pulled when you yourself have never!

 

 

 

And how do you know I haven't been?

 

Why am I not surprised by this attitude?

 

Anyway, carry on.

[JackJack]

I highly doubt she will find out this way. She already suspects someone else and knows my name, as she knows he is in contact via email. SMS, and phone with a girl named Gwyneth. So it should really be of no surprise to her if she does find out the truth.

 

 

Hypothetical situation here..... What will you do when or if she does find out and shows up on your doorstep with a gun? Or waits for you to come out your house from your job and trys to run you over? You know, goes psycho on you? It has been known to happen. You do read the newspapers or watch the news?

[Gwyneth]

I highly doubt she will find out this way. She already suspects someone else and knows my name, as she knows he is in contact via email. SMS, and phone with a girl named Gwyneth. So it should really be of no surprise to her if she does find out the truth.

 

 

Hypothetical situation here..... What will you do when or if she does find out and shows up on your doorstep with a gun? Or waits for you to come out your house from your job and trys to run you over? You know, goes psycho on you? It has been known to happen. You do read the newspapers or watch the news?

 

Yes, and I watch Lifetime. Well, she isn't getting me at my job beacuase I work in NYC's most securist of all companies. Second, I can walk down Park Ave and get gunned down, so I'm not at all worried. She could get deported back to her homeland if she tries anything of the sort. She didn't do it to the other woman she thought he was having an affair wtih. Not all people are crazy. Yes, it crosses my mind and worries me, but let's just pray she doesn't find out any more from me than she already does.

[JackJack]

Yes, and I watch Lifetime. Well, she isn't getting me at my job beacuase I work in NYC's most securist of all companies. Second, I can walk down Park Ave and get gunned down, so I'm not at all worried. She could get deported back to her homeland if she tries anything of the sort. She didn't do it to the other woman she thought he was having an affair wtih. Not all people are crazy. Yes, it crosses my mind and worries me, but let's just pray she doesn't find out any more from me than she already does.

 

Oh LifeTime TV is where it all starts anyway. Better stay away from that.

 

Yes, well it was hypothetical. And you're right, Not all people are crazy. And yes, its good it crosses your mind, because it is a good thing to at least think about.