Yesterday was the Perfect opportunity for him to break things off...

[Gwyneth]

Why would he? You allow him to keep you around as a compliant and discreet OW, and he continues to get away with it on the homefront. As long as you continue to 'be there' for him, and he continues to get away with it, he will continue the affair. He will end things when he either gets bored, busted, or finds an OOW.

 

Here's unecessary feedback. Why? Because it's based on assumptions that nmake it look like I'm a cheap whore. Where? As long as you continue to 'be there' for him, and he continues to get away with it, he will continue the affair. Basically, this is saying that I am allowing him to use me. He will end things when he either gets bored, busted, or finds an OOW. Another negative interpretation of what "might" happen based on negative assumptions. I find it impulsive. Yet I do appreciate the feedback, of course. I'm not saying no one give me feedback, but maybe read what you post before you post it, because I see this happne quite often around here, and not with just me. I think we judge people unknowingly, and I get this is an internet communication source and it's hard to understand the tone one is giving while typing away, but our words can change all of that.

[EnigmasMuse]

Here I go again having to Explain myself...

 

Anyone who's an anyone can reply--this is a public forum.

 

I'm just asking that no one attack my feelings and opinions and make me feel like a cheap whore.

 

 

EnigmasMuse

*And what is it you're dealing with? I thought you had no problem with the wife, and you're happy with the way things are until maybe, a single man comes along. *

 

What I am dealing with is the fact that he had an open door to just walk away but he didn't. What I wanted to know from others is why. What I didn't expect is to have to again explain my course of actions. I stated the situation, and I asked what others would do or think and if I was thinking in the wrong terms.

 

 

Oh my, and here I go having to explain myself again as well.

 

You're right is it a public forum and anyone can reply and they do. But what I'm saying is, a few pages back, might have been on the other thread, you did state, YOU perferred people who have had some experience with the situation you're in to reply to you. Of course I know anyone can reply, there are already are many.

 

I have seen many times you say one thing,then a few pages or whatever later, you changed your tune on certain things. Which is fine you have the right to change your tune. But I also think YOU"RE confused about what you want, and it confuses others when you say something one minute then something different the next.

 

"What I wanted to know from others is why".

 

Maybe try not to worry so much about "WHY" and go with he flow of whatever is going on in your life.

 

If it bothers you to have to EXPLAIN yourself, thens top doing it. You must be getting something out of it or you wouldn't keep letting others know you're having to explain yourself.

[EnigmasMuse]

Here's unecessary feedback. Why? Because it's based on assumptions that nmake it look like I'm a cheap whore. Where? As long as you continue to 'be there' for him, and he continues to get away with it, he will continue the affair. Basically, this is saying that I am allowing him to use me. He will end things when he either gets bored, busted, or finds an OOW. Another negative interpretation of what "might" happen based on negative assumptions. I find it impulsive.

 

 

Its not negative. Its just a reality of what "might" happen. Kind of like seeing the whole picture and not just part of it.

 

Its no different than you ASSUMING people who have no experience in your situation, do NOT know what they are talking about.

[stillafool]

Gwen IMO the reason he hasn't walked away is because he still wants to sleep with you. Since he hasn't had sex with you yet you have his full attention. That's not just with MM but with most men before they have sex with a woman. You should hold out as long as possible or better yet don't sleep with him at all. You say you don't want him for yourself but after you have sex with him you may change your mind and that's when the pain will start.

[Gwyneth]

That's why I said many times I will Not have sex with him. I'd have to be drunk, and I do not drink often enough or enough to get drunk.

 

 

BTW, I just read a few pages back and I forget who posted, but they said that I said I love this guy. I never said that, so I do not know where this is coming from. I care about him as a friend and human being, but saying I love him is pushing it. I said I think he is falling in love with me just by his actions toward me, ie. the way he looks at me, stares into my eyes, etc.

 

I'm sure he does want to sleep with me. Well, for one, he has said it. But let's face it--most men want to sleep with any half decent woman. It's nature--what can ya do?

 

Maybe I will, maybe I won't get hurt. I'm being really open minded about this affair which is probably why I say one thing then another in another post, because I am being really objective here. Maybe it does not seem so, and again, I am not good with words when it comes to this affair. I am also not trying to confuse anyone or make this complicated. I am just looking for clarification, not assumptions about how I feel (I just love when two of you begin engaging in how I feel as if I'm a third person around here) instead of asking me if that's how I feel. I think making judgments and assumptions is what fuels fire around here.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Here's unecessary feedback. Why? Because it's based on assumptions that nmake it look like I'm a cheap whore. Where? As long as you continue to 'be there' for him, and he continues to get away with it, he will continue the affair. Basically, this is saying that I am allowing him to use me. He will end things when he either gets bored, busted, or finds an OOW. Another negative interpretation of what "might" happen based on negative assumptions. I find it impulsive.

 

I've been the OW before, but I've most often been on the other side as the cheater. I'm not making negative assumptions - just telling you how it was through the times I was with various OM, and how it is from that point of view. It isn't a pretty point of view, and no one who is involved with someone who cheats wants to hear it. When you strip out the "true love" you are left with some pretty harsh truths.

 

People would much rather hear the love story than the way it usually goes and ends in reality. Unnecessary feedback? Is hearing it from someone who used to do exactly what your MM is doing unnecessary? It isn't easy to hear, I admit but hardly unnecessary. Hopefully some tiny part of your heart hardens a little when you hear stuff like this. That part you save, will be what saves you in the end.

 

It has nothing to do with you being a 'cheap whore' - it has everything to do with him taking the advantage that you give him. Are you letting him use you? What else would you call it? As long as you enable the OW/MM situation, and he continues to get away with it at home - he will certainly have no reason to end the affair. What would possibly make it end? Exactly what I said: if he gets bored, busted or finds an OOW he will end it. Unless, of course you walk away. That might end it too.

[Gwyneth]

Thank you for clarifying your original post, LucreziaBorgia. The thing is, maybe I'm Not ready to heare the bloody truth of the situation at hand. Am I letting him use me? Absolutely not. Why not? Because we both have an understanding and agreement and know where both parties stand. I'm not letting him fool me. He knows that I'd drop him if someone else came along. It's just that simple. What I do not understand is if he one day says he's happily married and the next he doesn't, why then continue this EA with me if he's soooo happy? He's in denial. Perhaps what you are saying is true (any of you who have said it) that as long as he gets away with it, he will do it.

 

It's like a kid lying to his or her parents. Your parents refuse and / or forbid you to do something, yet you still do it until you are caught. Then once you are caught, you lie lie lie until your parents have proof. Then you are BIG trouble and can no longer do it--unless you again find a way.

 

I find a cheating spouse to be in a similar situation as the child lying to his or her parents. So as long as he gets away with it, he will do it. I just do not want anyone to have the impression he's using me as some cheap whore, because that isn't the case. How's he using me? We haven't had sex with each other nor do I plan on--and oh yeah, he sure does, and I do too, but I will not. Not just because he's married, but it's because I don't sleep with just anyone. I hve to be in a full-blown relationshp with a man before I engage in such an act.

[Mustang Sally]

Gwyneth -

It sounds to me, with these most recent posts, like maybe you find yourself a woman who is able to "play the player," so to speak.

 

Would that be a fair interpretation?

 

That you know what he is and what he is up to, but still, there are things about him that you are drawn to. However, you feel sure that you will be successful in guarding your heart from him, and even moving on to someone else, when the opportunity arises?

 

Just trying to clarify for my own understanding...

[Gwyneth]

Gwyneth -

It sounds to me, with these most recent posts, like maybe you find yourself a woman who is able to "play the player," so to speak.

 

Would that be a fair interpretation?

 

That you know what he is and what he is up to, but still, there are things about him that you are drawn to. However, you feel sure that you will be successful in guarding your heart from him, and even moving on to someone else, when the opportunity arises?

 

Just trying to clarify for my own understanding...

 

Yes! I think this is a really good interpretation of how I feel. Of course I'm attracted to him--I would never waste time with a man who I find unappealing. I mean, he's a nice guy, and we get along and laugh and have a goold ol' time, but like you said, maybe I'm playing the player. I never thought of it like that, but I think you are on to something...I like you

 

Is that a bad thing, playing the player??? Men do it, so why can't I, as a Young woman, do it too? I have no intentions of hurting him, though.

[LexiB]

Is this a typical married man who is having "just" an affair?

 

 

No offense but, uh yeah it is. If he's enjoying having sex with you *why* wouldn't he do his best to keep in contact with you?

 

 

I mean this could be interepreted to mean that he's madly in love with you but it very easily fits the behavior of someone who just wants to keep their fling going too...

[Gwyneth]

Again...WE ARE NOT HAVING SEX!!!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sexual tension and the thrill of the chase and the courting process are as exciting as the actual sex. Addicting, even.

[whichwayisup]

just do not want anyone to have the impression he's using me as some cheap whore, because that isn't the case. How's he using me? We haven't had sex with each other nor do I plan on--and oh yeah, he sure does, and I do too, but I will not. Not just because he's married, but it's because I don't sleep with just anyone. I hve to be in a full-blown relationshp with a man before I engage in such an act.

 

He may be using you, but not in a mean or malcious way, it's more self serving than anything. You meet some needs that his wife can't give him, you make him feel good.

 

LB is very wise, so I'm glad you're listening to what she has to say.

 

just do not want anyone to have the impression he's using me as some cheap whore, because that isn't the case.

 

Noone is suggesting this, so I wish you wouldn't refer to the wh*re comment. I don't recall anyone here calling you that.

[Gwyneth]

Oh, someone did...let me find it and show you.

 

The person I was agreeing with was Mustang Sally:

 

Originally Posted by Mustang Sally

Gwyneth -

It sounds to me, with these most recent posts, like maybe you find yourself a woman who is able to "play the player," so to speak.

 

Would that be a fair interpretation?

 

That you know what he is and what he is up to, but still, there are things about him that you are drawn to. However, you feel sure that you will be successful in guarding your heart from him, and even moving on to someone else, when the opportunity arises?

 

Just trying to clarify for my own understanding...

[Gwyneth]

He may be using you, but not in a mean or malcious way, it's more self serving than anything. You meet some needs that his wife can't give him, you make him feel good.

 

LB is very wise, so I'm glad you're listening to what she has to say.

 

 

 

Noone is suggesting this, so I wish you wouldn't refer to the wh*re comment. I don't recall anyone here calling you that.

 

Don't all humans use other humans for any sort of reason? Whether it's bad intentions or not, we use every one for certain reasons.

 

Someone, if not in this thread but another, made a snide remark that lead me to believe they were insinuating I'm some kind of whore who sleeps wiht married men. I can't find it now, but that was not nice. My response was that the OP is not always a whore especially if it's an affair. Although I call my dad's lover a whore, but hey, she is what she is!!!

[whichwayisup]

Don't all humans use other humans for any sort of reason? Whether it's bad intentions or not, we use every one for certain reasons.

 

But what you aren't understanding is, married people shouldn't be getting their needs met by a member of the opposite sex in the sense when feelings are involved and sexual tension is in the air. You won't understand that until you're married and have your own husband.

[Gwyneth]

I know that. Maybe you should be telling him and all the other Married people on this board. I still am sticking with my wits that it's not my problem he's married and choses to have an affair. I know I can say no and have control over my actions, but if he's fine with it, then so am I.

[norajane]

I just wanted to know if I should feel special in any way that he is checking with me about his new schedule. I think that's hopeful, don't you guys? I mean, it's not like he's pushing me away and I wanted to point out that here is that opportunity for him to do so, but he isn't. This further proves to me that he is extremely unhappy in his marriage as he is Still trying to pursue a R with me.

 

He has an opportunity to push you away every day if he wanted to, right?

 

It's not like you are pursuing him and he's trying to avoid you but he couldn't get away from you, so this wasn't some golden opportunity for him to get away, right?

 

If he wanted to stop this affair, he could stop it any moment by ending the calls, the meetings, the talks, the texts, the emails. He could just start ignoring you. He doesn't need opportunities for that.

 

This doesn't prove anything about his marriage - nothing more than was already apparent by him pursuing this kind of relationship in the first place.

 

I feel special that he is including me--

 

More reason for me to be "proud" in this relationship with him. It was so easy for him to slip, run away, but he didn't.

 

You feel special because you believe his actions show that he wants you. Your "pride" (happiness, joy, comfort, content, whatever words fits best) isn't coming from what you have achieved or accomplished, but from the knowledge that he wants you. Being his OW validates your feelings of self-worth.

 

That's why you like this guy. I don't think you're into him because he's so great in and of himself - you have said you don't fully trust him. You are into him because you like how you feel about yourself when he gives you attention...that's called validation...his actions are reassuring you that you are ok, more than ok, that you are a special person.

 

It's ok in general to enjoy the validation you get from people, as long as you are aware that's what you're doing and it's an added bonus to the validation you get from yourself , and if you don't consequently feel un-special when his attention starts to ebb, or he takes his attention away altogether. I wouldn't recommend getting it from a MM because of the downside, of course, but most people in relationships get validation from their partners.

 

I wanted to know, from other OW's persepctives, if this is what their MM do as well--still try to find time to find them no matter what.

Yes, that's what MM who want to continue an affair do. They do everything they can to get what they want. It's always about what they want - they aren't compelled to do any of these things for any other reason except it's what they want.

[Gwyneth]

In the beginning, he tried ending it two times, but by the end of that day contacted me and changed his mind. I also tried ending it two or three times but by the end of the next day or two days later, I couldn't deal with not having him around. So five times we tried ending this affair and it wasn't happening. I just figured, since he was given a bold opportunity to end it and work on his marriage, that he could. He even said to me once, "maybe I should work on my marital problems rather than have this affair with you." Then he said, "but I just can't. I like how it is between you and I." He's tangled in a web and cannot weave his way out. I think that's understandable. I Just do not know what i would do if I were in his shoes. I personally believe that if I was truly in love and happy with my spouse, I just wouldn't even Try to pursue another man. I have been deeply in love in past relationships and the very thought of being with another man chilled me, and that was because I felt that even Thinking about being with another man was like cheating. Maybe that is just me.

 

I just cannot rationalize the fact that a happily married person would engage in an emotional affair. A physical affair or flings, maybe yeah, but an emotional affair, that's just hard to understand for me.

 

I'm open to hear opinions on happily married people engaging in affairs.

[whichwayisup]

I couldn't deal with not having him around. So five times we tried ending this affair and it wasn't happening.

 

Then how do you expect to end it if you meet someone else? Do you really believe in your heart as more time passes, the deeper you get into this affair, you'll be able to just up and walk away? Maybe you are different and really have no problems detaching quickly, but not too many can, especially those in the midst of an A.

[Gwyneth]

I just wrote a sensitive reply in the "I'm proud" thread. Maybe that will help you all understand me a bit better.

 

I think if I find someone else, then I will quickly attach to that person and it will be easier to end the R with the MM. Like I said, I take it one day at a time. Trust me when I say I'll be okay. I have no other choice than to be Okay

[whichwayisup]

Just give yourself abit of time to be alone before jumping out of the A and into another relationship when that times comes. Know what I mean? It just isn't healthy to not have time off between relationships ending.

 

I did just read your other thread, you suffered alot and did the right thing due to the circumstances around you. I'm sure that wasn't easy to go through, and yes, it's made you stronger, wiser and all I'll say is, all of us have experiences good and bad in our lives, so giving advice from most here DOES come from a good place. Tough love sometimes is needed, but it doesn't mean not caring.

 

Anyway, you seem like a strong woman and can hold her own.

[Gwyneth]

Thank you.

[norajane]

I just cannot rationalize the fact that a happily married person would engage in an emotional affair. A physical affair or flings, maybe yeah, but an emotional affair, that's just hard to understand for me.

 

I'm open to hear opinions on happily married people engaging in affairs.

 

The element you're having trouble understanding is that happily married people having affairs are not doing it because of their marriage or their spouse, but because there is something within themselves that is broken.

 

The cheating spouse who is content in his marriage is a person who has personal issues within himself he hasn't dealt with, and instead of facing and resolving those issues, he gives himself permission to cheat.

 

Examples:

 

- the MM who loves his wife and kids and life, but feels he married too young and didn't get a chance to experience multiple women and 'sow his wild oats' enough and now regrets it

 

- the MM who is happy being married to his wife, but has a need to have his ego fed by having multiple emotional or physical affairs or both...he craves the extra attention from a loving OW because it makes him feel like Superman to have two or three women doting on him

 

- the MM who takes 'mini-vacations' from the responsibilities of being husband and dad through his interactions with an OW

 

- the MM who likes having a 'work wife'...a close relationship with a woman at work, just like he has a close relationship with his wife at home. Two different settings, a woman for each setting

 

...I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. There's something wrong within the MM that believes he is entitled to MORE than one woman in his life.

[Gwyneth]

He had a dysfunctional upbringing. That is his first problem. I truly feel he doesn't know How to love. That's his second problem. His third problem is that he's a horny man who, well, is just horny. Is that a prloblem? (*wink*)

 

In h