Yesterday was the Perfect opportunity for him to break things off...

[stillafool]

I personally believe that if I was truly in love and happy with my spouse, I just wouldn't even Try to pursue another man. I have been deeply in love in past relationships and the very thought of being with another man chilled me, and that was because I felt that even Thinking about being with another man was like cheating. Maybe that is just me.

 

I just cannot rationalize the fact that a happily married person would engage in an emotional affair. A physical affair or flings, maybe yeah, but an emotional affair, that's just hard to understand for me.

 

I'm open to hear opinions on happily married people engaging in affairs.

 

You seem to spend a lot of time worried about whether he is happy (or in love) with his wife. Why not just stay out of their business and worry about your affair with him. Who knows why happily married people engage in affairs. Look at Michael Douglas' character in "Fatal Attraction", who knows?

[Gwyneth]

He had a dysfunctional upbringing. That is his first problem. I truly feel he doesn't know How to love. That's his second problem. His third problem is that he's a horny man who, well, is just horny. Is that a prloblem? (*wink*)

 

In his case, not only did he have a pretty bad upbringing, which may be a reason for his cheating, but he also married this woman way to quickly. He knew here for four months (well, dated her for four, knew of her for another four). Even so, 8 months is Not enough time. They dated for four, which means they only got to really know each other for four months. He told me he did things without thinking. He has had more than enough time to think about whether or not he wants to be in this affair. It's not a commitment like marriage--it's a decision, a choice he has be be or not to be in an affair. He actually confided in me today about a family issue he's currently having--something I personally wouldn't tell anyone but someone I'm really connected to. It has to do with his parents, not his marriage.

[reboot]

His third problem is that he's a horny man who, well, is just horny.

Cool, being horny means I have carte blanche to cheat. I'd not heard that rule before. Thanks!

[Gwyneth]

You seem to spend a lot of time worried about whether he is happy (or in love) with his wife. Why not just stay out of their business and worry about your affair with him. Who knows why happily married people engage in affairs. Look at Michael Douglas' character in "Fatal Attraction", who knows?

 

Okay, but my affair with this guy cannot compare to "Fatal Attraction." The reason is because this is a long term affair, while that was only supposed to be a one night stand.

 

Obviosuly I am justifying my actions by slamming his marriage. I think that's very clear.

[Gwyneth]

Cool, being horny means I have carte blanche to cheat. I'd not heard that rule before. Thanks!

 

I really wasn't trying to be humorous, but if you think you have carte blanche to do what you want, then use it.

[White Flower]

Gwenyth wrote: Is this a typical married man who is having "just" an affair? I feel special that he is including me--I know half of you will disagree and lecture me on All the reasons why I should Not let this man make me feel special, but he just does. More reason for me to be "proud" in this relationship with him. It was so easy for him to slip, run away, but he didn't. He told me he misses seeing me already, as we haven't seen each other since Wednesday.

 

How should I take this? I am taking it as a compliment.

 

Hi Gwyneth,

From one OW to another, I must say that while this feels like the sweetest compliment, it is only temporary. You don't see it now, nor will you in a few months, but as time passes by and you realize what you really want (him to yourself) and if he hasn't left his W, then you will see this as one of those moments where he once again threw out the bait and reeled you in. I really don't want to pop your balloon, nor my own, but as time goes by you begin to see it that way.

 

I experienced some really sweet "compliments." I was the first to receive a call when there was a major turning point in his life. Oh, it was an honor to share that moment with him, but it is his W that enjoys this very evening with him on a yaght while they laugh and dance the night away. Which would you prefer; the phone call or the trip?

 

And there were many dates planned, but never came to pass. While I looked forward to these few and precious times alone with him, they (the plans) were quickly erased from the calendar because everything hinged on what the W had planned instead. Did it hurt him to back out? Probably. Would he rather have been with me? Probably. But I cannot enjoy the probablies while he is spending so much time with her. It will end up that way for you. It may feel like a small victory that he could have broken things off but didn't, but it is only that-a small and very temporary one.

 

I know my MM thinks of me often. I know he prefers to be with me. But living day to day with the hole of not having a whole relationship with him leaves me very empty.

 

This is where the rollercoaster ride effect begins. He'll call you and paint your world in the most beautiful and exciting colors. Then, when he can't call or be with you, your world turns gray. And that is what we are all trying to warn you about.

 

To answer your question, yes, this is what a man does who is "just having an affair." I know my MM loves me, yet, he is only having an affair with me.

[JackJack]

Is that a bad thing, playing the player??? Men do it, so why can't I, as a Young woman, do it too?

 

-Have you ever been in therapy? If not, or even if you have, maybe you need to dig deep down within yourself and find out why it is you feel the need to play head games.

 

I think if I find someone else, then I will quickly attach to that person.

 

 

-Why would you need to "attach so quickly? What's lacking that you feel you need to "attach" from one to another?

 

He had a dysfunctional upbringing. That is his first problem. I truly feel he doesn't know How to love. That's his second problem. His third problem is that he's a horny man who, well, is just horny.

 

 

-Sounds like you have him pretty much figured out and what his "problem" might be. As soon as you come to terms with what yours is, then you might be able to move forward.

[Gwyneth]

Have you ever been in therapy? If not, or even if you have, maybe you need to dig deep down within yourself and find out why it is you feel the need to play head games.

 

I'm not playing head games. He and I have been perfectly honest with each other from the start. We have no secrets--what's to hide? We know the basics about each other--he's married and I'm not. That's all that matters. Everything else really doesn't matter. Except that we are very attracted to each other and find friendship and comfort in one another. That also really matters.

 

I resent you saying I need therapy. I don't think that's something you should accuse someone of needing. You don't know me well enough to make an assumption like that based on what I have written in this forum. These are words--I'm not words, I'm realistic. Don't base your view on me from what I write. Not everyone is able to express themselves in words as well as in person.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you.

 

You're welcome.

 

If you want this thread and your other thread to stop, use the alert us button and ask the mods to shut it down, OR just stop reading/replying to posts. People will stop on their own if you stop answering them.

[child_of_isis]

It's called having your cake and eating it too.

 

I just figured, here's the opportunity for him to work at his marriage and let me go, but he isn't--instead, he's trying to find ways that we can both still see each other during work hours.

[Gwyneth]

You're welcome.

 

If you want this thread and your other thread to stop, use the alert us button and ask the mods to shut it down, OR just stop reading/replying to posts. People will stop on their own if you stop answering them.

 

I think I will take you up on this, thank you I probably should have done this after the one thread I began turned into a 16 page battle of BSs vs OPs, and when Gel was having to defend herself for Pages. It's really uncalled for, really.

[nadiaj2727]

Gosh, thank god this isn't a thread about cancer--I think you'd all be telling me I'm going to die! No way around it...die die die!!!!!

 

No, you're wrong. If this were a thread about cancer, the former OWs like myself would be cancer *survivors* saying, "We know your cure for cancer. Here is how you beat it and become stronger because of it." And you would be the cancer patient who doesn't *want* to be cured, although you are continuously posting for "advice".

 

And I totally agree with JackJack that you should go to therapy. By reading through all your posts, all I hear is confusion and waffling. Plus, as I just said, you ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to. That means it's time for some deep soul-searching with a professional. It's not meant to be offensive. I went to therapy for similar issues when I was involved in an A (which definitely started out as a solely EA), and it is what helped me realize how what I was doing was very self-destructive, and start to heal. I would recommend it for anyone in an A, not just you.

[Phateless]

It's one thing to compartmentalize and sleep with him just for the enjoyment of it, but as soon as you start feeling special and relishing the relationship parts of this, you're fooling yourself about exactly what this is.

 

As long as you know what you're doing, what you're getting yourself into, and what the chances are (slim to none) for a future with this man, that's fine. Once you start operating on faulty assumptions and flawed logic, you're setting yourself up for hurt.

 

Just be realistic about what this is and what you expect.

[GreenEyedLady]

It's one thing to compartmentalize and sleep with him just for the enjoyment of it, but as soon as you start feeling special and relishing the relationship parts of this, you're fooling yourself about exactly what this is.

 

She's not sleeping with him-Hello people! Can't you read?

[Phateless]

She's not sleeping with him-Hello people! Can't you read?

 

I'm guilty of not reading both 5 page threads in their entirety. So this is an EA? Hmmm...

[Gwyneth]

She's not sleeping with him-Hello people! Can't you read?

 

See what I'm saying? People around here Only want to read and believe only what they want to, which is the Absolute Worst scenario. Depressing! I should start my own board just for OW. I have a successful board now, hmm, something to think about. A place for just OW to talk about their affairs without having to have 20-page long threads with back and forth debating.

[GreenEyedLady]

I went to therapy for similar issues when I was involved in an A (which definitely started out as a solely EA), and it is what helped me realize how what I was doing was very self-destructive, and start to heal.

 

So you've already been in therapy for an A that you just ended like 2 weeks ago? That's a piece of info you never stated in your first thread...Seems I remember you said you'd told no one but your sister?

[Gwyneth]

And why the heck would I pay the money to go talk to a shrink when I do not think what I am doing is self-destructive? Chewing gum with TMJ is self-destructive. Smoking is...drinking...speeding...should I go to therapy for all those reasons? Oh, I'm a shop-a-holic too. Therapist?

 

People shouldn't be telling others they need therapy--I just think that's Really rude. Maybe if I wanted to Kill myself over this guy then yeah, that would be suggestive, but to advise me to go because you'll think I'm a bit stubborn is Not a reason to go to a shrink.

[reboot]

Why do you keep asking for advice then bitch about every bit you get. "People shouldn't say this, People shouldn't say that". This is a public forum. Why don't you get that?

[sally4sara]

I'm definitely Not afraid of being along. I'm more of an independent woman than a dependent. I don't go from man to man--that's just not my style.

 

I was just saying to him that if I do find someone else and we're still doing this, then it's over.

 

BTW, I do keep my eyes open out for other men. There is one at work who I think might be interested in me and so I'm keeping that as an option. Why not, what do I have to lose? A MM? No, no loss there. I'll get over this emotional affair if it means moving on with someone who is single and ready to be in a R with a single woman.

 

Our affair is not really a secret other than to his wife. His coworkers know, and my friends and some family knows. His coworkers encourage him to forget about the wife and enjoy what he has to me. Cruel, but hey, I think he must tell them things about his marriage that he's telling me, and he must not be lying. Why would they tell their happily married friend/coworker to go ahead and have an affair? He seeks divorce advice from them...but seeking and doing are two completely different things, I know. I'm not counting on D to happen, but still, the fact that his coworkers encourage him to go ahead with this affair means something.

 

Him not hiding his affair with you from his co-workers isn't a sign that everything he says about his marriage is true. You probably are not the first. And if any eyebrows raised over his philandering, he probably painted the same picture for them that he painted for you. And now you ALL get to help him live a lie.

Of course he says she is heinous! Because if she's not that would mean he is a through and through jerk. He certainly doesn't want to walk into an office everyday where people think he's a jerk.

So he plays the poor berated husband and everyone covers for him. He doesn't hide you because no one gets to know his wife. They only know him and its so much easier to turn a blind eye and think of his wife as a nasty witch when she isn't there to prove otherwise.

[Gwyneth]

Why do you keep asking for advice then bitch about every bit you get. "People shouldn't say this, People shouldn't say that". This is a public forum. Why don't you get that?

 

I ask for advice, and some people around here still want to talk about things that I wasn't even asking advice on anymore! Take a look at this thread! It's a freakin' debate!!!

[sally4sara]

I ask for advice, and some people around here still want to talk about things that I wasn't even asking advice on anymore! Take a look at this thread! It's a freakin' debate!!!

 

A debate takes two or more opposing sides. You posted and asked if this was a hopeful sign. Hopeful for WHAT?!?!

And yes, most of the people responding don't agree with you. You should probably just put a disclaimer at the bottom everytime you start a thread saying you don't want to hear anything that doesn't conform to how you think or what you want to hear.

Like

P.S.

Please folks, I only want unicorns, rainbows and happy thoughts in this thread so I don't have to feel icky about my choices or actions and get a good night's sleep!

THX!,

G

[Gwyneth]

A debate takes two or more opposing sides. You posted and asked if this was a hopeful sign. Hopeful for WHAT?!?!

And yes, most of the people responding don't agree with you. You should probably just put a disclaimer at the bottom everytime you start a thread saying you don't want to hear anything that doesn't conform to how you think or what you want to hear.

Like

P.S.

Please folks, I only want unicorns, rainbows and happy thoughts in this thread so I don't have to feel icky about my choices or actions and get a good night's sleep!

THX!,

G

 

Wow, you're rude. You are a perfect example of what I mean by the OPs in this thread being attacked. It's your words that are harsh and just uncalled for.

 

Silly me for coming to a thread named OW/OM thinking I was going to get advice and be able to talk to OW/OM. I'm just amazed that...well, nevermind, cuz most of you don't even want to hear it. You think "god, I hate cheaters, so let me just let these dirty, whorish OW know how I feel," or "I've been there, and I've been hurt, so let me transfer all my hurt onto this OW who is clearly stupid and blindsided by this man."

 

I'm not saying All of you are like this, but most of you are. Seems Gel and I have to deal with it the most.

[reboot]

I don't hate cheaters. I'm married to one. kthnx.

[GreenEyedLady]

A debate takes two or more opposing sides. You posted and asked if this was a hopeful sign. Hopeful for WHAT?!?!

And yes, most of the people responding don't agree with you. You should probably just put a disclaimer at the bottom everytime you start a thread saying you don't want to hear anything that doesn't conform to how you think or what you want to hear.

Like

P.S.

Please folks, I only want unicorns, rainbows and happy thoughts in this thread so I don't have to feel icky about my choices or actions and get a good night's sleep!

THX!,

G

 

I don't think Gwyneth ever said she wanted to hear only 1 POV...she simply said that she was tired of bitter, rude, angry posts, like yours...And who could blame her considering she is in the OW/OM forum?