Yesterday was the Perfect opportunity for him to break things off...

[Phateless]

All I can say is, neither he nor I pushed this affair to where it is. It just happened gradually, and yeah, he did pursue me, but no pushing down and kissy poos.

 

I also agree that it's easier for some spouses to cheat than leave for many reasons (money, egos, etc.). It's ashame, but that's just how some people are. I think my MM fits into the "money, ego" category, that by going for a divorce, he would feel like a failure. I also know that it's not all that easy to get out of a marriage, and takes time.

 

True. I personally would feel like more of a failure if my resolve was weak enough that I cheated. For the record, I do think it's wrong to get involved with someone who's in a committed relationship, but I also think the blame goes on the committed one, not the Affair.

 

So it sounds like you're holding out hope that you and him can be together someday? Wouldn't you always wonder if he'll do the same thing to you?

[Cobra_X30]

I also agree that it's easier for some spouses to cheat than leave for many reasons (money, egos, etc.). It's ashame, but that's just how some people are. I think my MM fits into the "money, ego" category, that by going for a divorce, he would feel like a failure. I also know that it's not all that easy to get out of a marriage, and takes time.

 

I'm solid into the money/ego category.

 

So back on track a little. What is your end goal here?

[norajane]

How can a happily married spouse who is totally in love with their spouse be with someone else?

 

I gave you some answers to that in post #77. But you ignored it then, so I'll post it again:

 

The element you're having trouble understanding is that happily married people having affairs are not doing it because of their marriage or their spouse, but because there is something within themselves that is broken.

 

The cheating spouse who is content in his marriage is a person who has personal issues within himself he hasn't dealt with, and instead of facing and resolving those issues, he gives himself permission to cheat.

 

Examples:

 

- the MM who loves his wife and kids and life, but feels he married too young and didn't get a chance to experience multiple women and 'sow his wild oats' enough and now regrets it

 

- the MM who is happy being married to his wife, but has a need to have his ego fed by having multiple emotional or physical affairs or both...he craves the extra attention from a loving OW because it makes him feel like Superman to have two or three women doting on him

 

- the MM who takes 'mini-vacations' from the responsibilities of being husband and dad through his interactions with an OW

 

- the MM who likes having a 'work wife'...a close relationship with a woman at work, just like he has a close relationship with his wife at home. Two different settings, a woman for each setting

 

...I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. There's something wrong within the MM that believes he is entitled to MORE than one woman in his life.

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks, GEL.

 

Hmm, I disagree on which evil is lesser, however. I think cheating is worse than leaving.

 

No, I agree...that's why I left...and I knew my M was over...It had just deterioriated to nothing, my XH was having an A...and it was a long time ago...

[Gwyneth]

I do not think I could be with this guy, if he or the wife call for a divorce. He's nice and all, and I'd be his friend as long as it can last, but yeah, I would be Very insecure.

 

Of course I went through life calling my dad's now ex-wife the whxxe for helping him cheat on my mom, but you know, as I got older, I realized that the problems began at home. If it wasn't her, it probably would have been someone else he would have cheated with. My mom too cheated, later to come find out, and it all worked out pretty well. What goes around does come around because that same lady cheated on My dad with his best friend. Well, he was better off without her. I'll always refer to her as a whxxe because that's just what she is (). It really has nothing to do with the fact that she was my father's mistress. You are what you are...know what I mean? I do not think most mistresses are whxres--especially if they were unaware that their MM was/is a lying b*stard who is married. The problems begin between the husband and wife, and the rest is a result of the issues at home.

 

source: My good friend whose husband cheated on her, married the mistress, is now cheating with my good friend on this mistress (total soap opera here) and she told me the MM's wife is not my problem--it's his, and that it takes Two--husband and wife, to have a bad marriage.

[Phateless]

I gave you some answers to that in post #77. But you ignored it then, so I'll post it again:

 

I think you guys both make very valid points. To me, it's just as simple as making a commitment and then breaking it. I do, however, think it may be possible to be in love with two people at once. I haven't decided yet.

[Gwyneth]

I too think norajane has good POVs, but that's just what they are, POVs. My POV is that the so-called happily married man or woman would not be going around having an affair with OP. It may be a combonation of both--personal issues AND not so happy in the marriage. Especially when the MP is insulting their spouse to the OP. Now that is a true sign that this MP is Not happy at all.

 

Just my POV.

[Gwyneth]

I think you guys both make very valid points. To me, it's just as simple as making a commitment and then breaking it. I do, however, think it may be possible to be in love with two people at once. I haven't decided yet.

 

This may be a possibility, I am not sure. The thing is, if you are commited by law to one of these people, then why risk the marriage and cheat with this other person you love?

 

Oh, this is So Big Love!

[reboot]

I think there are plenty of happily married people (mostly men in this case) that, while perfectly content in their marriage, cheat nontheless.

 

I think this is much more rare for a woman.

 

A lot of men are just pigs.

[Gwyneth]

LOL!!! Ok good, it sounds like you have your head screwed on straight here. I still don't condone it, but hey, whatever. If he does end the marriage for you and finds you to not be there, he deserves it. I agree that problems start at home, but I don't think those problems justify cheating. If the guy just wants sex because the wife gives him none, they should discuss that. If the guy is completely unhappy, he should divorce her! I can't think of any situation where cheating is the better option. Anyhoo....

 

My only advice to you, Gwyn - don't get attached. Have a good time.

 

Thank you, and I respect your POV and advice here

 

We are just having a good time I'm trying not to be attached, but I am attached to him as a friend, nothing more, because I know the deal (he's married, blah blah blah).

 

Again, in the past, I always looked down on OP and affairs, but now I'm in it and it's just a different persepective. So until someone is in an affair, of course it looks bad and all the advice people give around here is meaningful to them, but from my persepective, it just isn't. It looks like it's hurtful, attacking, and harsh.

[Gwyneth]

 

A lot of men are just pigs.

 

lololololol!!!!! Finally, we agree on something!!!!!

[Cobra_X30]

I think there are plenty of happily married people (mostly men in this case) that, while perfectly content in their marriage, cheat nontheless.

 

I think this is much more rare for a woman.

 

A lot of men are just pigs.

 

Well reboot! 3 years into it, and your still suffering. Learn these two words... Oink Oink!

[Gwyneth]

Remind me again, reboot, what your situation is?

[Phateless]

Thank you, and I respect your POV and advice here

 

We are just having a good time I'm trying not to be attached, but I am attached to him as a friend, nothing more, because I know the deal (he's married, blah blah blah).

 

Again, in the past, I always looked down on OP and affairs, but now I'm in it and it's just a different persepective. So until someone is in an affair, of course it looks bad and all the advice people give around here is meaningful to them, but from my persepective, it just isn't. It looks like it's hurtful, attacking, and harsh.

 

You're welcome, Gwyn.

 

Most of the posts are hurtful attacking and harsh. People just don't think about both sides before they post... I'd officially like to submit this thread as evidence in my other threads about how RETARDED the excess censorship is on this board. It clearly isn't helping to reduce flaming. As for the personals thing... I don't really care much one way or the other, lol.

[Gwyneth]

You're welcome, Gwyn.

 

Most of the posts are hurtful attacking and harsh. People just don't think about both sides before they post... I'd officially like to submit this thread as evidence in my other threads about how RETARDED the excess censorship is on this board. It clearly isn't helping to reduce flaming. As for the personals thing... I don't really care much one way or the other, lol.

 

I'll add you to my list of the few favorites I have around here.

 

Personals??

[reboot]

Remind me again, reboot, what your situation is?

My wife had an affair, and Cobra_X30 will never forgive her.

[Cobra_X30]

My wife had an affair, and Cobra_X30 will never forgive her.

 

LOL... no I wont! So long as you continue to sound like my Dad!

[Phateless]

I'll add you to my list of the few favorites I have around here.

 

Personals??

 

lol, you must have missed my thread about this place needing a personals section. It caused quite a stir. Go check it out. You and I seem to be the resident ****-stirrers around here.

[Gwyneth]

My wife had an affair, and Cobra_X30 will never forgive her.

 

Ohhh, I'm sorry, really, I am. Do you two have children together? How long were you married, and are you still married?

[Gwyneth]

lol, you must have missed my thread about this place needing a personals section. It caused quite a stir. Go check it out. You and I seem to be the resident ****-stirrers around here.

 

Ohhh, LOL. Have you ever seen Craig's List? Now there is a handful of losers who Really need reality checks and maybe even therapy! They even post nude photos of themselves up on there to lure women to have one night stand with them. Totally not my thing (personals, nudity on net, And ONSs).

[Phateless]

Ohhh, LOL. Have you ever seen Craig's List? Now there is a handful of losers who Really need reality checks and maybe even therapy! They even post nude photos of themselves up on there to lure women to have one night stand with them. Totally not my thing (personals, nudity on net, And ONSs).

 

Personals are tough... I've wasted more time than had good experiences with that. ONSs I'm ok with... unless she's a girl that I want more with... that sucks.

 

Craigslist... oh boy, I'm from the SF Bay Area where Craigslist originated, so I know ALLL about it. There's a "best of" section that you should check out... it's hilarious! Search for the rant titled "hey crackhead"

[reboot]

Ohhh, I'm sorry, really, I am. Do you two have children together? How long were you married, and are you still married?

Yes we have kids. We're still married.... 20 years now.

[Gwyneth]

Well that's good you two worked it out Good Luck!

 

As for the personals, nah, I'm staying AWAY from CL LOL. My friend directed me there and if I knew it was free porn, I would Not have ventured there, ha ha.

[Phateless]

Well that's good you two worked it out Good Luck!

 

As for the personals, nah, I'm staying AWAY from CL LOL. My friend directed me there and if I knew it was free porn, I would Not have ventured there, ha ha.

 

Gwyn, I think you went to the wrong site. I'm referring to CRAGISLIST _ dot _ ORG

 

that's just a free classifieds that has everything from cars, motorcycles, mtn bike, personals, roommates, etc. Great site. That's how I found my apartment, my motorcycle, etc.

[Gwyneth]

Gwyn, I think you went to the wrong site. I'm referring to CRAGISLIST _ dot _ ORG

 

that's just a free classifieds that has everything from cars, motorcycles, mtn bike, personals, roommates, etc. Great site. That's how I found my apartment, my motorcycle, etc.

 

Yep, that's where I went! And under personals is "casual encounters," and these people use this as their own personal porn sites. I was shocked to say the least!