5 months of NC and still feel like s***

[besidemyself]

I have been in no contact with this girl for 5 months now and it still isn't getting any easier. I know we didn't go out that long, but what we had seemed so special and I thought she was the one for me. She gave me more excuses why we couldn't be together and when I told her how I felt about her, she pulled away from me. I can't tell you how much that hurt. She was always nice to me, but distanced herself and that made me sad and I did break down and cry in front of her. Probably a big turn off for a woman and one reason she started to lose interest in me. I never begged or whined, I just told her that I wasn't going to be her friend because I wanted more. She gave me all the excuses about us not being the same religion, the circumstances of her failed marriage, she wanted to see what else was out there and something she called being a "serial monagamist" which I have no f***ing idea what that is. It just never came to a solid end and as she said "bad timing". I know she lied to spare my feelings, but I also knew she really liked me too.

 

I told her that being friends was not an option and that we shouldn't talk anymore because that was all she wanted at that point and that killed me knowing I couldn't be with her. Now it's been 5 months of no contact and I am still so sad. I have joined sports teams, worked out and gotten into great shape, hang out with friends and have a great time. The thing is, there are times that I absolutely yearn for her and it kills me. I thought time cures all pain. I refuse to contact her again for fear of her giving me a chilly response like the last time I spoke with her and I wonder if she'll ever contact me again. I will keep the NC going because I know it is the best thing for my own self-preservation, but do you think she will ever contact me again or do you think she has forgotten about me and tossed me aside to do this to some other guy? I would want so much to be with her again it hurts. Sometimes, I wish I had never met her because she grabbed onto my heart so fast and hard and then pushed it away just as fast. How does a woman do that when she has feelings for someone.

 

I know I am not perfect, but I never treated her badly and always made her laugh hysterically and we always had fun together. It just confuses me. I'm a good guy and maybe it's her who has the problem, but it has seriously taken a hit on my self-esteem because I am afraid the next girl I have feelings like this and tell I like, she'll pull the same s***.

 

Do you think this one will ever contact me again? Is there even a chance at a second chance or am I just holding out for somethingthat will never be? Why didn't I pick up on this before she got my heart and them decided to crush it?

[Scorpio13c]

I have been in no contact with this girl for 5 months now and it still isn't getting any easier. I know we didn't go out that long, but what we had seemed so special and I thought she was the one for me. She gave me more excuses why we couldn't be together and when I told her how I felt about her, she pulled away from me. I can't tell you how much that hurt. She was always nice to me, but distanced herself and that made me sad and I did break down and cry in front of her. Probably a big turn off for a woman and one reason she started to lose interest in me. I never begged or whined, I just told her that I wasn't going to be her friend because I wanted more. She gave me all the excuses about us not being the same religion, the circumstances of her failed marriage, she wanted to see what else was out there and something she called being a "serial monagamist" which I have no f***ing idea what that is. It just never came to a solid end and as she said "bad timing". I know she lied to spare my feelings, but I also knew she really liked me too.

 

I told her that being friends was not an option and that we shouldn't talk anymore because that was all she wanted at that point and that killed me knowing I couldn't be with her. Now it's been 5 months of no contact and I am still so sad. I have joined sports teams, worked out and gotten into great shape, hang out with friends and have a great time. The thing is, there are times that I absolutely yearn for her and it kills me. I thought time cures all pain. I refuse to contact her again for fear of her giving me a chilly response like the last time I spoke with her and I wonder if she'll ever contact me again. I will keep the NC going because I know it is the best thing for my own self-preservation, but do you think she will ever contact me again or do you think she has forgotten about me and tossed me aside to do this to some other guy? I would want so much to be with her again it hurts. Sometimes, I wish I had never met her because she grabbed onto my heart so fast and hard and then pushed it away just as fast. How does a woman do that when she has feelings for someone.

 

I know I am not perfect, but I never treated her badly and always made her laugh hysterically and we always had fun together. It just confuses me. I'm a good guy and maybe it's her who has the problem, but it has seriously taken a hit on my self-esteem because I am afraid the next girl I have feelings like this and tell I like, she'll pull the same s***.

 

Do you think this one will ever contact me again? Is there even a chance at a second chance or am I just holding out for somethingthat will never be? Why didn't I pick up on this before she got my heart and them decided to crush it?

 

Hi Beside,

I feel for you brother!

Her saying she's a "Serial Monogmist" to me means she goes from one lustful relationship to another. She only lives on the highs that a new relationship gives, once that dies out, she's gone to find another.

You definately have a good head on your shoulders & i agree with your hunches on her. She may or may not contact you in the future, but if she does, it'll only be because she hasn't found her next high & is lonely. Don't ever take that bait should she present it!

I think you should now actively pursue other women & not worry about them treating you like this, most are not like this. Anyway, you'll know the signs next time, as you've experienced it first hand now.

The almost same scenario happened to me when i was 21, it was a life lesson & made me a much stronger & aware individual. The same will happen for you.

I know it still hurts, but take it from me, you'll be fine.

Stay away from recently divorced women next time, you'll only experience heartbreak again..

Take it easy!

Scorp

[devastatedagain]

Besidemyself -

 

I feel for what you are going through. I want to add to and agree with Scorpio's words in terms of the "serial monogomy." This is what my ex-wife was. Let me give you the quick version. We dated through grad school for about a year and a half, we broke up - a month later, she was with another guy; one month later she was engaged. A month after that, she found out that he was cheating on her and she broke it off. She started to contact me again for a few weeks, then went cold. She started a new relationship with another guy. It didn't work out after 2 months and then she crawled back to me. I took her back and we got engaged 6 months later. We were only married for 8 months and then she wanted out - she said I didn't give her enough affection (not a good reason for divorce as far as I am concerned, but that is beside the point). Anyway, we divorced and she was in a new relationship within 2 months of seperation. A fre months later, she broke up with the guy and started contact with me again. We hung out for about a month, we discussed and worked on many of our problems, and then she suddenly didn't want to speak to me again. I found out through Facebook that she started seeing another guy and she flat out lied and denied it, even though I had her red-handed. In any sense, she is now with this new guy and doesn't want anything to do with me again.

 

Here is the point. I call this type of person a "lust jumper." Certainly not a technical term, but I am a psychologist and I like the term. This type of individual, as Scorpion stated so well, is only in relationships for that fiery, dramatic, over the top attraction that you only get within the scope of a new relationship. Once it burns out (i.e. usually 3 months or so), they move on to something else to get the feeling back. In a weird way, it is almost like a drug addiction to these individuals as they are always looking for the "next high." I do not know that much about your situation and based on what you have stated, it is difficult to decifer whether or not she is this type of woman. If she is, I caution you my friend. My advice is to steer clear, go NC, and do not even consider going back to her. If she is one of these "lust jumpers," she will only make you sad over and over again, she will drain you emotionally, and she will leave you over and over as the lust stage dissipates. You will essentially become a "bridge" whenever she needs you. I have watched this in my own relationship and it would be great to see you refrain from repeating my mistakes. Trust me, they have hurt extremely bad, it has taken a major toll on me, and I will never go back.

[besidemyself]

Thanks guys! That's some very good insight you gave. I just don't understand how some women can do and be like this. I am not the type of person to totally lead somebody on and then leave them hanging not knowing where it is heading. I think all women are such liars and I'm sorry if that's how I feel, but it has been my experience over and over. Even when I tried to confront her about it, she threw it back in my face and said I was feeling the way I was feeling because of me and not her. It was so f***ing infuriating and condescending. I even wrote her a heartfelt note before I went NC telling her how I felt about her and that I wouldn't accept being put into the friends category. Unfortunately I also told her how wonderful I thought she was (Ugggg!) which I regret. And she responded beck with a thankyou for being expressive and candid bla blah f***ing blah and absolutely no emotion in it. I felt like I put myself out there and to her, I was just another conquest and she was just moving along to the next guy.

 

Then I go out with another divorced woman recently and we talked on the phone a bunch and clicked pretty well. Finally we meet for dinner and had a great time nd stayed at the restaurant until they closed. We even mde out in the parking lot and talked about going out again. Then I get a e-mail from her saying that she had something to tell me. She is sort of seeing someone. She said she didn't think I was going to be so hot and that she knows I don't want to be friends w/ someone who I go out with, but to please make an exception and if it doesn't work out with this guy, she would like to go out with me instead. WTF!!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with these women? Do they think they can just play with a guys feelings and then just drop him like he's nothing? I just don't get it.

 

I am really a good person and I am not one to fight or argue because I know it makes you look bad, but I think I'm at a breaking point. I really want to tell these women off, but what good would it do, I'm sure they have heard it before from other guys and by know they are probably used to hearing what incredible bitches they are. I just keep my mouth shut and keep my self-respect. All I can hope for is that one day, they'll do it to the wrong guy and it will come back to them in spades or karma is real and they will realize what pieces of work they are and how much they hurt someone and now they will hurt just as bad.

 

I see all my friends with girlfriends and wives who are so sweet and cool. I wish I could have something like that, but I keep meeting pieces of s*** who are players and liars who will say one thing and do another. I am so tired and I don't want to chase anymore. I just want to be myself which I always am and to find somebody who is gonna want to be with me and only me. Unfortunately, with the last girl, I didn't see the warning signs before it was too late and I got hurt. The thing is, I really thought she was just so right. I guess you never know when somebody is just playing you for there own selfish self-serving needs so they can have that rush while forgetting who they are hurting. By the way, she never said she was sorry. F her and shame on me for being such a p***y for not shutting her down and telling her off. But what good would that have done to a borderline sociopathic dater?

[Scorpio13c]

He he,

I like Devasted's term "Lust jumper", but i think our forefathers already invented the term "SL_t" for these types..

Beside, i think most of us guys want the same type of women you want, i guess we just have to keep looking.

Scorp

[devastatedagain]

Beside -

 

Post your e-mail - we could have an excellent discussion....

[sedgwick]

Wow, change genders and you have exactly my story. Everything was really good. Big emotional and physical attraction. One day he flipped out and became really cold toward me. We were together for almost a year and liked each other for a good six months before that. We haven't talked in 2.5 months. I keep flogging myself with the same questions as you: was he lying when he said he loved me, when he told me I was amazing, when he said it was the best relationship he'd ever had? Was he really not connecting with me all those nights when we talked until 4 in the morning, finishing each other's sentences? When he told me I was sexy, was he lying about that too? The worst part is wondering when he broke up with me in his head, at what point he started lying. This is torture. But he would have to work really hard to get me back. He would have to go to some trouble to find me. He could send me a letter, he knows my address. He could show up on my stoop with flowers. That's the degree of apology it would take for me to consider giving him another chance. I am not going to make it easy for him, because if I do, I will have zero self-respect. I cannot, on principle, contact him. If he doesn't contact me, I will have to just keep living every day until I'm over him. All I can do is tell myself that with enough time I will get over it.

 

I know this sounds silly, but here's one thing that's helping me. I picked one other person on the planet to whom I could be attracted. Like, if that person walked up, I could fall out of love with my ex and fall in love with them. The one and only person I can think of that could elicit that response is this musician and storyteller I love named Jim White. But knowing that there IS at least SOMEBODY I could see being attracted to, besides my ex, is therapeutic. I challenge everybody reading this to try to come up with who that person would be for you. Like...if Drew Barrymore or Angelina Jolie came walking into your room naked, you could forget about your ex and go there...

[thelegend]

Hey brother sorry you're having such a hard time with this. It sounds like you are a very intellegent brother you've really answered your own questions. You just want her to want you. If she comes back you wouldn't want her. When someone hurts you, you feel the need to try to prove yourself. It seems you don't need that just find a good woman that will appreciate you for you. Good luck brother