Broke up with compulsive liar but I still love her!

[slygambler]

Copied and pasted from another section because I guess I'm trying to get opinions on how to cope with all of this as well.

 

--

 

Well, I've been reading quite a few things on this forum. There are a lot of great people on this website and I was hoping to get some views and also subconciously hoping for some words of advice/support.

 

 

My last relationship ended yesterday, officially. Unfortunately, I'm the one who finally called it off and asked for no contact.

 

First, I'll go ahead and give a very brief summary of the relationship. I realize that you guys will need to know more as you want to put your 10 cents in, and please don't be afraid to ask. Although diving into some of these memories might make me a bit weak, I do understand the importance of reviewing a failed relationship and the reasons why instead of just dwelling on when it happened and is the hurt going to end.

 

EDIT: I realize 6 months isn't a long time to some of you, but some of the things we've been through have made this 6 months seem like 5 years. Although it was short in some people's definitions, it was a very intense relationship, so please treat it as such.

 

I'm 22 years old, the same age as her. We dated approximately 6 months, of which I was informed she had a problem with lying before we started dating. (I wasn't informed of the severity of it though) The first 2 months felt as if I were in heaven. After that, it became apparent that some of her stories, including present and past events, were just not adding up. After realizing and having solid proof that she lied about a lot of things, ranging from lying about men, ex lovers, and what she ate for lunch... (if she even ate..). Over the course of our relationship (and to this day), I am still finding out lies that she told. I also realized that in reality, I probably only caught about 10% of her lies.

 

Even to this day, she says she knows she had a problem, and she was only lying about things to protect my feelings, or to just not deal with what she thought could have been a future problem.

 

Ultimately, I finally couldn't take enough of her lies. I told her that I still love and care for her deeply, but I just can't trust what she says to me anymore. Living each day trying to figure out if what she said that day was the truth was spiraling me into resentment for her and fueling my already-rocky trust issues with her.

 

Although there were many lies, the one that broke the straw on the camels back was her communication with her ex sexfriend. (I don't know if i should post the f-buddy word on here?) I told her that I understand she has a history with him and I didn't mind them contacting each other during our relationship, as long as it is a platonic relationship and I was at least told about it. Needless to say, after lying about when they talked, what they did and where they go, and finding the truth that she was still calling and texting him without ever even hinting it toward me, I confronted her. I told her that because she couldn't respect me enough to let me know about him and their interactions together (she made me stop talking to certain girls because of her jealously), that I was starting to doubt her love for me. She said, and I didn't instigate it in any way, that she would cut off contact with him for me. Now, I don't have any proof and she denies ever cheating on me, I do believe she has. Her last time she contacted him, not the other way around, was when she was exercising her unemployment habit again and she called him aout 30 minutes after I had left for work. I was under the impression she was out looking for jobs.

 

Yes, it's minor, but coupled with ALL of the other lies and also questioning her about what they really talked about (I 100% believe she lied to me about what they talked about.), I couldn't take it. She had said (a few days after confronting her) that she saw him broken down on the side of the road and called to see how he was. After questioning what was wrong with his car (she didn't know, though she claims she asked what was wrong...), who came to get him (she didn't know, although she claims she asked), and what car he was driving (she hesitated, and finally STUTTERED out "a purple xxxxx". (xxxx = type of car, I can't remember exactly).

 

All in all, the relationship ended. I've been trying to cope, and I realize this isn't a healthly relationship, hence me breaking it off. However, this is the first day of NC, and I'm going crazy. See, besides her lying, she really was a good person.

 

Ok, I just realized that I was just about to go off on everything I liked about the relationship and her, and I don't think I should, so I deleted it.

 

I don't know what to do. The last couple things said to each other (it's been about 2 days of "breaking up") were that we love each other. She maintains that she never cheated on me and loves me with all of her heart. She continues to promise no more lies, although she's done that to every lie I've caught. During those few break up days, she's made it clear and so have I, that being friends would be too painful for us both.

 

Even though I am the one who ended the relationship, I feel horrible. The thing is, besides lying and possible infidelity, she was what I was looking for in a relationship. That's why it makes it so hard. I know I love and care for her still. I do wish the best for her, but in no way will I be able to be friends with her and hear stories of new romances and what not, and be able to handle it. Sometimes I find myself wondering "What if she is right? What if I call right now, take her back, and believe she won't lie? Am I setting myself up again? Should I call? Should I text?"

 

I guess I'm just an emotional mess right now. Unfortunately, I met her though a good friend of mine (my only friend, only person i've trusted since moving out to this location a few years back), and because of this relationship, I've decided to reduce my friendship with him to be more of an acquaintance, just for her. I don't really have anyone to vent or talk to, and now you know my ulterior motive for posting. I just....am lost.

[serendip]

Trust is the second most important thing in a relationship...the first is love obviously. You can't trust her...so it will never be a healthy relationship. Sooner or later you will be back here even if you get back together with her now.

 

Best is to move on or if she wants you badly enough....then both of you get into couselling

[slygambler]

Thanks. I think that's what makes this so hard.

 

Intellectually, I agree with you. I realize that if I were to keep up with the relationship, even now after I've "officially" gone, I would come across the same issue of trust. However, that doesn't deter the fact that I truly care for this person deeply.

 

It's just...confusing. I know what I need to do, but sometimes it just doesn't feel right. She's said numerous times how much she loves me, didn't mean to hurt me, and she won't do it again. I've heard this same thing over 10+ times now, basically every lie I catch being told to me. I just don't understand. Why did I have to love someone like this? It isn't fair. I can't have what I've been looking for for so long and now that I've found it, I've also found what I despise most = being lied to by the person you love.

 

I have to come to the realization that she just doesn't get how much she hurt me or her way of showing she loves me is flawed (i.e. lying). I read that in a post somewhere around here, but I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can ever do that.

 

I resent her (i.e. angry at her), but I miss everything else about her.

[serendip]

It's just...confusing. I know what I need to do, but sometimes it just doesn't feel right. She's said numerous times how much she loves me, didn't mean to hurt me, and she won't do it again. I've heard this same thing over 10+ times now, basically every lie I catch being told to me. I just don't understand. Why did I have to love someone like this? It isn't fair. I can't have what I've been looking for for so long and now that I've found it, I've also found what I despise most = being lied to by the person you love.

 

hey join the club...the person I loved more then anything in this world cheated on me. I forgave her...then she cheated on me again. Worst is she made excuses for her actions. She broke my trust again and again and again. Yet I still loved her...it's the worst pain in the world.

 

If you heard that 10+ times that she didn't mean to hurt you....isn't time to eat the pain now and move on vs. even more and prolonged pain in the future.

[slygambler]

Again thanks for the reply. I just had my lunch hour and driving around trying to find a song that doesn't bring a tear to your eye and reminds you of her is hard. I had to turn off the damn radio.

 

As for your last question, I completely agree with you. That's ultimately why I ended it. But there isn't a minute that goes by without me questioning myself "But...what if I'm wrong? Am I making a mistake?"

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not supposed to feel bad, I'm the one who ended it and I know a lot of the other people on this forum happen to be the dumpee. I just feel, deep down, that she broke up with me by lying and disrespecting me in the relationship. I just ended the formality of it.

[serendip]

Again thanks for the reply. I just had my lunch hour and driving around trying to find a song that doesn't bring a tear to your eye and reminds you of her is hard. I had to turn off the damn radio.

 

As for your last question, I completely agree with you. That's ultimately why I ended it. But there isn't a minute that goes by without me questioning myself "But...what if I'm wrong? Am I making a mistake?"

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not supposed to feel bad, I'm the one who ended it and I know a lot of the other people on this forum happen to be the dumpee. I just feel, deep down, that she broke up with me by lying and disrespecting me in the relationship. I just ended the formality of it.

 

It's gonna happen for a while...every song is going to remind you of her. It's been 5 mths for me and some songs still do but I can listen to them now without any sharp emotions attached.

 

We always question our choices when it comes to ending a relationship...it's natural...we are human and we loved that person.

 

But don't do what I did (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132707/) ...I kept on contacting the ex trying to find an answer....but it just made me feel worse.

 

It's gonna suck...you are going to go through a lot of pain since you loved this person...but be true to yourself and best of luck.

[norajane]

She's a pathological liar. No matter how many times she promises not to lie, she will still continue to lie. She needs to get some serious therapy to figure out why she does it, and then to work on changing her behavior. Without that, she's never going to change and anyone that gets involved with her will constantly be lied to.

 

It doesn't make it easier to get over your heartbreak. But you can and will get over it eventually. There are other women out there, women you will feel passionate about and will love. You have to give yourself time to get over this girl, and then you will meet someone else. She's not the only woman out there that you can love. Fortunately, she's probably only one of a few pathological liars you'll run into, so your odds are better with the next girl.

[ncpd25]

Sly,

I hear you on this one! I went through the exact same thing and the exact same feelings (Read some of my threads). My ex lied to me from the day she met me. Of course, I felt I had no reason not to trust her so, she really got over on me.

 

The strange thing is, I read your post and think "If I were him, I'd forget her an move on. Leave her as nothing but a faint memory". Then I think, wait... I'm in the same boat, yet, it's so difficult to just "drop it and run"

 

I too, felt, had she never lied to me, she could have been "the one". She really was wonderful in every other respect. Fact of the matter is, she betrayed me. I feel I would never be able to trust her again. I would always question what she said to me, if I got back with her. That's not the kind of relationship I'm interested in.

 

The main thing I'm trying to focus on is, to keep telling myself, "I want someone I can TRUST, somebody who will be there for me and I can be there for them, even during difficult times etc...".

 

Bottom line, she's not the one that is capable of doing that with me.

[slygambler]

Thank you guys so much for your words. I found out recently that she has basically turned all of our mutual friends into her little 'cheering' section.

 

The thing is, she kept contacting me saying she loves me and wants to be with me. It just made it worse, to the point that I actually did take her back. For one whole day.

 

Then, while she was napping in the afternoon (she went out drinking that night and didn't get home till 4 am, supposedly drinking with a 'friend'. I had no right to say anything...I broke up with her, but still...) her daughter came up to me and basically sputtered out that my girl and my best friend while he was here loved to go into the bedroom and ...play horsy.

 

After hearing that, I left for good. No phone calls, no contact. That news basically gave me the anger I needed to finally let her go. I'll always care for her, and I may even try to look for some of her attributes in other women when I feel I can date again, but it makes it so much easier knowing that I wasn't crazy and paranoid and that I did see signs of her cheating. Granted, they never admit it and they say that this 3 year old made up a big lie (yeah...right), but because our mutual friends know she has this problem, they feel inclined to believe her and 'help her get over me'.

 

I've since then completely erased everything I had that connects me to the last 6 months of my life. I can't believe I didn't have the confidence to leave at the first sign of trouble, but I still feel horrible at what people can do to people nowadays.

 

Again, thanks for all your hope and good words. You've made my heart warm again, even though it's still floating in two pieces.