Knowledge is power?

[imstunned]

Hello everyone. This is a small update on me. I was going to post on another persons thread but felt I ws hijacking.

 

I have been a bit of a mess and going back and forth with wanting to wreck my exmm's life by telling the wife. I nearly called two numbers this morning that I thought could be his. I never knew where my mm lived (or even his realy name) and I wasnt keen on calling the wrong number.

 

After a bit of detective work I found out their real address. After relaising that I knew nothing about this man this felt really good. I'm still trying to accept that the man I fell in love dosent exist and its very hard. Now - I am in now way whatsoever a snob - BUT after discovering where this man and his wife and 2 kids live, I feel like I have an insight into who he is. WHat their life is like. Lets just say, I'm not looking at their house with envy - but with a feeling of "thank F*ck I dont live there".

 

I'm now not suprised at all that he dosent like his life (if he dosent) as I wouldnt like it either. Just looking at a picture of the street where he goes home to everynight has somehow helped me - his realy life dosent look so appealing to me. The man I fell in love with - he is still very appealing, but the real man, his life, his house, cant say I'd be taken with it were I offered it.

 

There is little wonder now that he bigged himself up to be something he isnt. I suspect he has a very low self esteem (and there were clues to this) and thought he wouldnt keep me if I knew the real him. And obviously he is right in the sense that he is married- but thats not what I mean. I think we are both from very different walks of life. I think I am way out of his league. I suspect he knew it.

 

This new knowledge - even if the way it has affected my intepretation of events is wrong, has given me the strength to pass on the revenge card for the moment. I like the fact that I know where he lives. He would HATE that I know. And anyway - what would it achieve - an argument - and then what? It wouldnt spit them up. And I dont think I need to blow his life apart or try and mess it up for him. I'm pretty convinced that he has done that all by himself.

 

Still - those who know me from here know I'll be back tomorrow saying I'm gonna call her!! But I dont think I will.

[whichwayisup]

I have been a bit of a mess and going back and forth with wanting to wreck my exmm's life by telling the wife.

 

You won't only be wrecking his life (his life already is wrecked, as his wife called you and that's how you found out he was married) so I'm sure she isn't letting him off the hook. The trust she had for him is gone, the respect, gone...Anyway, you will be wrecking HER life and most of all, their CHILDREN'S lives.

 

Do you know anything about their kids? Their health? What if she is pregnant again with his child? You know NOTHING about their life since it was all based on lies - I'm telling you, you WILL regret calling the minute you spill it.

 

Please think long and hard before you make such a choice out of revenge and high emotion.

[imstunned]

I knew he was married a week before she called. I didnt know all the climbing stuff had been utter rubbish untill she called.

 

I know his children are young. 2 & 1. I have no idea if she is expecting another but I doubt it. I wont be wrecking their childrens lives if I tell her the truth. They wouldnt split up I'm sure of it. I read your post on the other thread and I dont agree about not telling because of the children. Not at all.

 

And I'm not sure that I'll regret it if I ever do tell. I dont know that either of them can do anything to hurt me more than what I have already been hurt. I'm rock bottom. And it dosent get any worse than thinking the man you are falling in love with is dead or dying.

 

And anyway - I may have his address, but no phone number. So cant call anyway.

[whichwayisup]

Well, if you do this, YOU live with and accept the consquences now of YOUR part in this. You might be opening a big can of worms which will fill your life with more drama and pain.

 

I wont be wrecking their childrens lives if I tell her the truth.

 

If you can justify this in your own mind, then there's something very wrong here. Did you go read Dazed's thread about the BS sending off info about OW/MM? IF not, go take a read. You're fooling yourself if you actually believe this won't affect those little children. They may not 'understand' what is going on mentally, but emotionally, ALL kids feel the bad energy and when something off "off."

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think telling will do anything. If he is good enough to fabricate a life with someone he could easily let go of, imagine what lies he will spin to keep the one he doesn't want to let go of. He will likely have her thinking that you are a deranged stalker or something, and in retaliation encourage her to take a restraining order out on you. I would think twice before taking out any sort of revenge on this guy. It sounds like he is just twisted enough to manage to somehow turn it back on you with pretty bad consequences.

[imstunned]

Ok. I'll drop talking about it. Evidently he should get off scott free, and I should forget the grief I felt when I thougt he was dead and the effect that had on MY child.

 

Every way I simply LOOSE LOOSE LOOSE. I vanish - lucky him. How nice and considerate for me to do that for him. Get pissed off and angry - then I loose too as his wife wil get a restraining order against me. (Its not possible to do that here on the basis of one phone call - I couldnt even get one agaisnt my violent ex).

 

Come here and talk about it and get reminded of how he just let me go but wants to hang onto his wife. But still I am advised not to do anything. Perhaps he should have thought about his kids before doing anything with me?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I didn't mean it the way you are implying. I'm not saying that you should not say anything. I'm saying that with someone like this, it might be dangerous for you to do so.

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, you're still going through all the emotions here. Less than 3 days ago you were hoping he'd call you and take you back! You're all over the place, that's why I'm advising you to slow down and think. When indoubt, do NOTHING.

 

You need to go through ALL the stages here, like a death.

 

You also need to keep in mind the TYPE of lies he threw your way were disguisting and twisted. You could be putting yourself and your own child in danger, so give some thought about that too.

 

Still think therapy and learning to let go, make closure, that you will be better off.

[imstunned]

Fact is, you're still going through all the emotions here. Less than 3 days ago you were hoping he'd call you and take you back! You're all over the place, that's why I'm advising you to slow down and think. When indoubt, do NOTHING.

 

You need to go through ALL the stages here, like a death.

 

You also need to keep in mind the TYPE of lies he threw your way were disguisting and twisted. You could be putting yourself and your own child in danger, so give some thought about that too.

 

Still think therapy and learning to let go, make closure, that you will be better off.

 

Yes. I know. I am all over the place. I really doubt I'll do anything. BUT when I feel like doing it - just like how I did when I finally contacted him, I just kind of "do it". its a stong strong urge - when it comes. And I doubt that it wont come again. But - even if It does I cant. No phone number. I'm not going to ring their doorbell.

 

I see what you mean LB - sometimes I think he could be dangerous. And other times I think "dont be daft - he's a nice guy". Cant seem to settle on which one I think it is.

 

I'm seeking therapy for all this. Its well and truly messed my head. I'm Seeing somebody to set the wheels in motion early in the week. I did say in another post that hands up - I cant cope - I need help. I hope I get it. but I still cant stomach the fact that he has got off scott free. AND - if I felt that he cared and was thiking about me at all - I wouldnt be hurting so much. So thats where the taking him back this comes into it. Very confusing stuff. Its driving me nuts.

 

Thanks for both of your replies.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome! I hope you have a fun weekend, and just take a break from all this stuff. .

[marlena]

Stun,

Nice guys do not do what your ex did. Plain and simple. No ifs ands or buts about it! Calling his wife will NOT bring him back, whoever he is! Nor will it break up his marriage. LB is right. He is a very resourceful conman and he will find a way to lie his way out of this mess. And, then, if my guess is right, he will retaliate. This could be dangerous for both you and your child. Stop playing with fire!

[lost4ever]

Hey Stunned!

 

It sounds like you have thought about most of the bad things that could happen to you if you tell the wife....but I have one more you may have not thought about

 

Lets say you tell her everything, and he begs her to stay, and she does; but the fighting is horrible, she will not let it go, so he calls you.

 

He starts to tell you how he can't believe he did this to his wife, but he knows why he did it....Its because he has never loved someone as much as he did you, He says he made up all of the lies about himself because he wasn't happy with what he has become, and he knows with you he could be that person, that person he wants to be....Of course you still love him so, you eat it yup........and take him back......This stunned is where the real hurt comes in.

 

On top of the kids crying, the wife crying, him always depressed...You will start to wonder if he ever did love you...Did he choose you because his marriage was over and you were convient? Did he just want out, and you were there to help him?

 

The WORST thing IMO that could happen in this situation, is you telling the W and you getting stuck with him....We all want to be with our MM, but it cheap'ins it a great deal when there are other factors involved besides him just leaving to be with you...Don't be a cause of the factors

 

IMO, I think most OW should tell on there MM, but only after there are no feeling for them what so ever....and I mean none, when you are at the point where he was crying and begging on the floor at your feet and you don't have the time of day to help him up......by all means, tell his wife so she knows she is being played by her H!

[marlena]

Oh, and yes, knowledge IS power but only when you know what to do with it. You should use the knowledge you have gained to run for the hills. That's POWER!

[imstunned]

Stun,

Nice guys do not do what your ex did. Plain and simple. No ifs ands or buts about it! Calling his wife will NOT bring him back, whoever he is! Nor will it break up his marriage. LB is right. He is a very resourceful conman and he will find a way to lie his way out of this mess. And, then, if my guess is right, he will retaliate. This could be dangerous for both you and your child. Stop playing with fire!

 

I know it wont break them up. I'm sure I said it. THat it wouldnt do anything. I was really posting to say that the little bit of real info I have about him gave me the strength no to call her. I think I'm not explaining my self very well. I felt it gave me an insight into the whole situation, as this guy is an enigma to me. A total mystery.

[marlena]

as this guy is an enigma to me. A total mystery.

 

 

No, he isn't. He is as plain to see as the nose in your face. Just step back and honestly take a look at what he has done. THIS is who he is. Not the other man you thought he was. It will sink in, eventually, Stun. You are still very much in denial.

[imstunned]

Hey Stunned!

 

It sounds like you have thought about most of the bad things that could happen to you if you tell the wife....but I have one more you may have not thought about

 

Lets say you tell her everything, and he begs her to stay, and she does; but the fighting is horrible, she will not let it go, so he calls you.

 

He starts to tell you how he can't believe he did this to his wife, but he knows why he did it....Its because he has never loved someone as much as he did you, He says he made up all of the lies about himself because he wasn't happy with what he has become, and he knows with you he could be that person, that person he wants to be....Of course you still love him so, you eat it yup........and take him back......This stunned is where the real hurt comes in.

 

On top of the kids crying, the wife crying, him always depressed...You will start to wonder if he ever did love you...Did he choose you because his marriage was over and you were convient? Did he just want out, and you were there to help him?

 

The WORST thing IMO that could happen in this situation, is you telling the W and you getting stuck with him....We all want to be with our MM, but it cheap'ins it a great deal when there are other factors involved besides him just leaving to be with you...Don't be a cause of the factors

 

IMO, I think most OW should tell on there MM, but only after there are no feeling for them what so ever....and I mean none, when you are at the point where he was crying and begging on the floor at your feet and you don't have the time of day to help him up......by all means, tell his wife so she knows she is being played by her H!

 

I'd bet a huge amount of money that this would never ever happen. If I thought I meant anything to him I wouldnt be feeling so vengeful. its the fact that I seem to be settling on the fact that he used me that makes me want to stir things up.

[imstunned]

No, he isn't. He is as plain to see as the nose in your face. Just step back and honestly take a look at what he has done. THIS is who he is. Not the other man you thought he was. It will sink in, eventually, Stun. You are still very much in denial.

 

Oh dear - I thought I was doing well with the accepting he isnt who I thought he was. What I mean about him being a mystery is that I cant settle on if I think he is bit of an evil bas*ard or a guy who had an affair and made a mistake and now realises his love for his wife. Maybe the reality is still to hard to stomach - and I'm still in denail. hopefully therapy will help me with this. My very first post had a stong emphasis on the fact that I felt that everything we had wasnt real - and I was like WTF - did he like me - or didnt he. I have read the responses over and over. But the thing is NOBODY knows. Maybe I was his first. (and maybe thats a pig I just saw flying past my window. . . .)

[underpants]

It sounds like this guy has done this sort of thing before.

 

I am sorry that you got mixed up with such a low form of human. However, you did get away and you now have a glimpse as to who he really is.

 

He probably got close to being caught and is laying low. Or maybe he has someone else? I do think he would do it again to someone else in the future.

 

I vote for informing the wife. However, I do agree that you should wait until you can objectively do it. When and if you choose to tell her. Let it be one time and then just walk away with no contact forever with any of them.

 

You have the address. When you feel 'removed' enough you can send a letter addressed to his wife only. I wouldn't put a return address on it. Let her know all the things he said and did. I would also include an apology for your part in the affair. (although unaware that he was married). Just wanting her to know the truth. Once informed she will have the option to believe it or not, or to do whatever with said information.

 

I would want to know.

[Gwyneth]

I don't think telling will do anything. If he is good enough to fabricate a life with someone he could easily let go of, imagine what lies he will spin to keep the one he doesn't want to let go of. He will likely have her thinking that you are a deranged stalker or something, and in retaliation encourage her to take a restraining order out on you. I would think twice before taking out any sort of revenge on this guy. It sounds like he is just twisted enough to manage to somehow turn it back on you with pretty bad consequences.

 

I have to agree with Lucrezia here. Just to make Himself look all mighty and fine, he will most likely put all the blame on you and convince his wife you are the crazy enemy. I told my MM that I'm sure he told his wife I'm some crazy woman coming after him, even though he claims otherwise. Still, there's that very thought that I just do not know what he's telling his wife about me, truthfully.

 

I agree his wife should know the circumstances of the R you had with him, otherwise their marriage and family is based on lies. I think you should make Him tell her and if he doesn't, then you will. She already called you so more than likely she is curious just like the wife of my MM. You and I are both women and know how that intuition thing works. I have been telling my MM that instead of making up these ridiculous lies (and he can't lie for sh*t), he should just tell her the truth. Instead, he makes up lies and like I said, I can only imagine what he is really telling her about me.

 

The man you were in a R with and loved isn't the same man he really is. I feel your pain, and only hope it gets better and better each day. I'm sorry you are going through this. Feel better

[PoshPrincess]

They all lie and pretend they are something they are not. Whether it's younger, richer, mistreated, misunderstood, ignored, disrespected, not appreciated,separated, divorced,single, no kids, wife's a bee-atch, whatever.

 

ImStunned, your MM lied about all of the above! Ok, maybe not the bit about the wife as he denied even having one. I've read your past posts and he just sounds like a complete fantasist, a total Walter Mitty character. I don't actually think he told lies because he didn't want you to know he was married specifically (as in 'MM wants a bit on the side, knows a woman won't be interested if she knows he's M so therefore lies about it') but just because he wants to live this fantasy lifestyle and it's normal to him in his f*cked up little head! I had a friend who met this guy who told LOADS of lies about EVERYTHING (even that his W and niece died in a car crash) when in fact his EX-W, was alive and well. He invented this whole life for himself that didn't exist. The sad thing was that my friend had liked him anyway so he didn't need to keep making up stories into their relationship about the amount of money he had (but didn't of course) and all the other BS. Men like this just need help!

 

Getting back to the issue of telling, YOU would not be harming his kids, HE has done that all by himself and by the sounds of it, will continue to do so. They are going to grow up as f*cked up as he is if he isn't careful. If I was his W, I would get out while the kids are still young enough to forget ever living with him. He seriously needs help! He is just just your normal run-of-the-mill lying, cheating MM. You are WELL out of this one, IMO! Like Lucrezia said, you have to remember that the man you thought you were in love with doesn't actually exist. He was a figment of his own imagination. Look after yourself and your child, that's all that matters now!

[head.heart& hand]

Oh, and yes, knowledge IS power but only when you know what to do with it.

 

I AGREE with your thread title! So now--this opens up new possibilities. Let's say that 100 threads from now with much contemplation and hearty advice you just can't let this go.--and you feel compelled to do something! You have options other than telling his w.

 

What if he knew you had power over him by knowing where he lives?

 

-- And worse, that you could write or show up at nearly any time? Not that you would, but you would have to convince him otherwise. Perhaps you could send him a note. Ex: " I know where you live- 1234 mockingbird lane. I WILL come forward and disclose everything when I'm ready and your least expecting it--you have my word". Be convincing. He's been dishonest with you and now you're dishonest wiht him as you wont follow through (--but he doesn't know this).

 

In this way, you have the power, ---the upperhand. So hopefully, you can shut the door on the relationship but the door is always open for him because he's uncertain when you're going to show up (doorstep? certified mail? etc.). Let him live in fear and lose sleep over this. I'm sure you have.

[underpants]

What if he knew you had power over him by knowing where he lives?

 

-- And worse, that you could write or show up at nearly any time? Not that you would, but you would have to convince him otherwise. Perhaps you could send him a note. Ex: " I know where you live- 1234 mockingbird lane. I WILL come forward and disclose everything when I'm ready and your least expecting it--you have my word". Be convincing. He's been dishonest with you and now you're dishonest wiht him as you wont follow through (--but he doesn't know this).

 

In this way, you have the power, ---the upperhand. So hopefully, you can shut the door on the relationship but the door is always open for him because he's uncertain when you're going to show up (doorstep? certified mail? etc.). Let him live in fear and lose sleep over this. I'm sure you have.

 

This sounds like a warning, a threat, and even gamish. That could be dangerous for her.

 

Generally, men are problem solvers. Selfish jerks can come up with some pretty ridiculous solutions. I don't like the threat idea.

 

As I stated before. I am all for informing just the wife via anon letter.

 

When Imstunned is ready and emotionally removed she can tell her the truth and then let it go forever.

 

Don't play with fire.

[imstunned]

I did think about texting him and saying "hows life in abc street" - so much will he HATE that I know where he lives I dont think I'd need to make threats. However - if I do contact HIM I know that its bad news for me. first of all my text may never arrive if he has changed his phone number. I was gutted when he closed his e-mail account.

 

Second i propably wont know if he will get it unless he replies. So I will be waiting to hear my phone buzz from him. And third its highly likely he will get nasty if I tell him I know where he lives. It will really freak him out. I have his T-shirt. Maybe I will just post it to her one day. With no note, nothing.

 

I'm going out tonight. For the next few hours at least I am going to go round and round in circles over what to wear. Im going to the place where we met - but I have been before since all this crap happened and was okay. I wonder if he will be there - I wonder if he is going to be alowed out ever again.

 

Oh - I'm editing this to add - that the final reason I wont be making any threats to him is becasue if on the off chance that he still thinks of me - well that would make it very easy for him to dislike me. I dont want him to feel like that towards me.

[head.heart& hand]

"Don't play with fire".

 

I am nearly always in agreement with this. My last note was simply opening up possibilities beyond telling the wife. However, isn't telling the wife playing with fire? Telling is the ultimate form of vengence. Don't you think that might send him into a rage?

 

If Imstunned fears him, --she needs shouldn't aggravate him in any way. Play is safe, play is sane, walk away.

If she doesn't fear him, she has options.

[imstunned]

I have no idea if I fear him really - when I say he may get nasty I just mean stroppy with me - he has done that before when I have confronted him over something. he didnt like it at all - but I dont think he would harm me in any way or anything like that. he would just probably be nasty in a text back to me thats all I mean.

 

I'm back to thinking really that to DO aything just shows I still care. And on the off chance that he thinks of me (surley he must??) - I'd rather he was wondering if I still think of him, - rather than handing HIM the Knowledge and the POWER he will feel if I do anything and thereby demonstrate that I still care.

 

its very weird how doing NOTHING takes the most strenght of all.