Knowledge is power?

[norajane]

I feel worthless. I feel unnatractive. I feel ugly. I feel a zillion miles away from the beautiful, desired and sexy confident woman I was when I was with him. I dont know how to get that from within. Our opinions of ourselves are fragile, and they are influenced by the opinions fo others. Spread enough **** and some of it starts to stick.

 

How did you feel about yourself BEFORE you met this guy?

 

Keep in mind, you are the same woman you were before the high, and now the low, of being with this guy. The ONLY thing that has changed from when you were feelilng sexy and beautiful and desired to now when you are feeling sh*tty, is this guy's wife caught him texting with you.

 

YOU have not changed. He has not changed. Only his actions have changed because he got caught and his trying to save his ass at home.

[Suny1]

Wouldn't U want to be even better to yourself now? Feeling those bad things would mean that U are completely giving into him and losing self control. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself. You are the only one that

matters right now. Things will get better.

[head.heart& hand]

Which way - I know your words are true. But I dont think posting here is helping me. Reading that was too painful.

 

In other words, it looks like you're saying that the only advice that you're interested in is the advice that makes you feel good. Why are you here IS? Do you want to get advice from people who can relate , people who have been there --people who can help you move forward --OR do you want to be stroked and only respond to those who are suggesting that you fly by the seat of your emotions! ( --which I haven't seen here, have you)? Face it, what your doing isn't working. If a post STINGS, perhaps it is striking a nerve for a reason. ---and a reason you should pay attention to.

 

You're fragile, you're hurt, you've been deceived and that hurts like the dickens ( hence this website and dozens of posts like this) But this relationship is clearly over. He doesnt want you, he doesn't want to be in this realtionship and when you're RATIONALE about it, you don't want him either. As you work through the acceptance stage and dealing with your anger, what folks advise wont always feel good ( like this post) yet there's maturity and experience in these posts which you should pay attention to in a more thoughtful and disciplined manner. I'm questioning if you really want advice or someone to agree and stroke you.

 

Advice. Read the posts again, and take a long walk ( today, tomorrow, whenever ) --just get moving and think this all through again.

 

While you're out on your walk, think about the friends you've driven crazy through this ordeal. You need them more than ever, yet (you said) you've driven them away as they've grown tired of this ordeal. Evaluate this carefully---. If I were you, I would invest heavily on rebuilding these relationships rather than obsessing over your exmm.

 

 

"I just dont understand what the hell i ever did to deserve this".

 

Are you suggesting that some people do deserve this? Previously, you've posted that your'e a "good person", ---Are you suggesting these things should only happen to "bad people"? Whats your criteria for who deserves this IS?

[imstunned]

Which way - I know your words are true. But I dont think posting here is helping me. Reading that was too painful.

 

In other words, it looks like you're saying that the only advice that you're interested in is the advice that makes you feel good. Why are you here IS? Do you want to get advice from people who can relate , people who have been there --people who can help you move forward --OR do you want to be stroked and only respond to those who are suggesting that you fly by the seat of your emotions! ( --which I haven't seen here, have you)? Face it, what your doing isn't working. If a post STINGS, perhaps it is striking a nerve for a reason. ---and a reason you should pay attention to.

 

You're fragile, you're hurt, you've been deceived and that hurts like the dickens ( hence this website and dozens of posts like this) But this relationship is clearly over. He doesnt want you, he doesn't want to be in this realtionship and when you're RATIONALE about it, you don't want him either. As you work through the acceptance stage and dealing with your anger, what folks advise wont always feel good ( like this post) yet there's maturity and experience in these posts which you should pay attention to in a more thoughtful and disciplined manner. I'm questioning if you really want advice or someone to agree and stroke you.

 

Advice. Read the posts again, and take a long walk ( today, tomorrow, whenever ) --just get moving and think this all through again.

 

While you're out on your walk, think about the friends you've driven crazy through this ordeal. You need them more than ever, yet (you said) you've driven them away as they've grown tired of this ordeal. Evaluate this carefully---. If I were you, I would invest heavily on rebuilding these relationships rather than obsessing over your exmm.

 

 

"I just dont understand what the hell i ever did to deserve this".

 

Are you suggesting that some people do deserve this? Previously, you've posted that your'e a "good person", ---Are you suggesting these things should only happen to "bad people"? Whats your criteria for who deserves this IS?

 

I cannot understand where on earth you are comming from posting something like this. If you have read through my previous posts you would see that there are some replies to all of them that made for tough reading. I am in no way shape or form interested in only the replies that make me feel better. VERY few posts have made me feel better.

 

I far from feel that bad things happen to only bad people. I for one am a good person and have lost a child. I felt lost and upset when I posted that yesterday. But thanks for pulling me up on it anyway. Shows great empathy and understanding. If people here think I'm positng to be "stroked" then I'll go and post elsehwere.

[Meaplus3]

Hello everyone. This is a small update on me. I was going to post on another persons thread but felt I ws hijacking.

 

I have been a bit of a mess and going back and forth with wanting to wreck my exmm's life by telling the wife. I nearly called two numbers this morning that I thought could be his. I never knew where my mm lived (or even his realy name) and I wasnt keen on calling the wrong number.

 

After a bit of detective work I found out their real address. After relaising that I knew nothing about this man this felt really good. I'm still trying to accept that the man I fell in love dosent exist and its very hard. Now - I am in now way whatsoever a snob - BUT after discovering where this man and his wife and 2 kids live, I feel like I have an insight into who he is. WHat their life is like. Lets just say, I'm not looking at their house with envy - but with a feeling of "thank F*ck I dont live there".

 

I'm now not suprised at all that he dosent like his life (if he dosent) as I wouldnt like it either. Just looking at a picture of the street where he goes home to everynight has somehow helped me - his realy life dosent look so appealing to me. The man I fell in love with - he is still very appealing, but the real man, his life, his house, cant say I'd be taken with it were I offered it.

 

There is little wonder now that he bigged himself up to be something he isnt. I suspect he has a very low self esteem (and there were clues to this) and thought he wouldnt keep me if I knew the real him. And obviously he is right in the sense that he is married- but thats not what I mean. I think we are both from very different walks of life. I think I am way out of his league. I suspect he knew it.

 

This new knowledge - even if the way it has affected my intepretation of events is wrong, has given me the strength to pass on the revenge card for the moment. I like the fact that I know where he lives. He would HATE that I know. And anyway - what would it achieve - an argument - and then what? It wouldnt spit them up. And I dont think I need to blow his life apart or try and mess it up for him. I'm pretty convinced that he has done that all by himself.

 

Still - those who know me from here know I'll be back tomorrow saying I'm gonna call her!! But I dont think I will.

 

imstunned, Good for you NOT telling the w! I can relate to your wanting to tell, as I went through that stage myself. He's the one that will destroy his life on his own if he contiunes to run around behind his w's back, just keep that in mind. Stay strong!

[stillafool]

It seems like the only way you are going to feel any better is to tell his W so hopefully she will kick him out. I have to tell you I doubt if that will happen. They are both going to look at you as a "Fatal Attraction". As a matter of fact if you keep texting him he is going to think you are a "FA". He may get so freaked out he will tell his W what happened and he can't get rid of you. She will be angry but later will feel happy that he came clean with her and is trying to get rid of you. He has proof that he tried to tell you to leave him alone because he wants her but you keep bothering him. This will make them gang up on you.

 

In my experience I've found that whenever I've told someone I don't want to be bothered with them anymore but they keep pursuing me, my dislike turns to hate. I think he knows how emotional you are and had to use clear, strong words to try to get through to you he is going to work on his marriage.

 

I know you are hurt but you aren't the first woman to be hurt by a man. Your being depressed too long about this "no win" situation must be having an affect on your little boy by now. You have to pull yourself together for his sake. He is the most important male in your life.

[imstunned]

BS working on his m. Dont make me laugh. He is simply terrified that I may mess it up for him. Thats all. I no longer believe he loves her. You dont f*ck around on somebody who you love for 8 months. END OF STORY.

 

And I dont care if he has proof that I he asked me to leave him alone after ONE text. I have texts from him saying all sorts of things. I'm sure his wife would be fascinated to read them.

[TogetherForever]

BS working on his m. Dont make me laugh. He is simply terrified that I may mess it up for him. Thats all. I no longer believe he loves her. You dont f*ck around on somebody who you love for 8 months. END OF STORY.

 

And I dont care if he has proof that I he asked me to leave him alone after ONE text. I have texts from him saying all sorts of things. I'm sure his wife would be fascinated to read them.

 

imstunned,You are soooooooooo above mm. His loss.Please don't be spiteful in order to make him pay for hurting you.It'll really go up his ass if you just bite your tongue & do nothing.That will torture him more than anything.TF

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sure his wife would be fascinated to read them.

 

Are you hoping that having her read them will make her want to leave him? Regardless of how you think he feels for her, it is apparent that he is fighting to stay married and begging you not to mess it up for him. He may have checked out during his affair, but it is very clear that he does not intend to check out of his marriage. As soon as you spill, he will probably be clutching at her knees begging and crying for her not to leave him over some "psycho" that he will swear he regrets a million times over. He will tell her that you meant nothing, that he only told you that stuff he did to keep you quiet. He will probably claim that you blackmailed him into continuing the affair. He will lie, lie, lie and he will sacrifice you in an effort not to lose her. Will she look down at him, spit in his face and kick him away? Probably not. They will form a united front against you.

 

Is that really how you want things to go down? To have the man you loved and thought loved you throw you under the bus in order to keep the wife that you don't think he loves?

 

I'm telling you stunned - this man is toxic. There is no telling what he will do in the event of a Dday, and what he will do to you in retaliation for causing one. He isn't begging and pleading with you because he is scared of what you will do. He is doing it in that way, because he is exploiting your feelings for him and knows that if he begs and pleads you will be easier to deal with than if he cuts you off cold. I don't believe for a second that someone who can lie and deceive like he does would be sincerely begging, rather pretending to in order to make things work to his advantage. He will play all sweet and simple, but would not hesitate to knife you in the back and twist if you cross him.

 

Don't fall into a trap of him gathering 'evidence' of your 'instability' and 'stalking'. He will use anything you say and do against you, and convince his wife that you are dangerous. Plenty of MM have done the very same.

[imstunned]

Thanks TF. I dont FEEL better than this - but I'm hoping my Dr can point me towards some therapy to help me move on as its very obvious that I'm a bit stuck!

 

I apologise to anyone who I am appearing to be nippy towards in my posts - I'm just really angry, and its spilling out of me. Sorry.

 

Oh - just one more thing - in our texts yesterday - I had said that I felt it was like I was dead to him, he said you are not dead to me but please understand I cant be caught texting. Strong words?

[imstunned]

 

Is that really how you want things to go down? To have the man you loved and thought loved you throw you under the bus in order to keep the wife that you don't think he loves?

 

 

That is already how it has gone down. I never thought he loved me. But I did think he had feeling for me. And I did fall in love with him. He has already thrown me under the bus. Maybe he is deeply in love with his wife. It was only the responses that I got on LS that allowed me to even contemplate another view of the situation. It dosent really matter.

 

I'm still in a loose loose sitaution. My first relationship with a man for years and its going to land me on anti-d's and in therapy.

[Meaplus3]

BS working on his m. Dont make me laugh. He is simply terrified that I may mess it up for him. Thats all. I no longer believe he loves her. You dont f*ck around on somebody who you love for 8 months. END OF STORY.

 

And I dont care if he has proof that I he asked me to leave him alone after ONE text. I have texts from him saying all sorts of things. I'm sure his wife would be fascinated to read them.

 

He probably love's her enough to work thing's out Love is a choice and he made his choice by staying with her. Let it go, Easier said then done I know, however your just going to go around in circles as to why he messed with you in the first place and you will never have a real answer to that question so why bother.

 

AP:)

[stillafool]

Stunned, in the 8 mos. you were together, where did he say he lived? Did you ever ask to go over to his place? Did he spend nights and weekends with you at your house? Were you able to reach him when you needed him?

 

I hope these questions are too personal, I'm just curious.

[imstunned]

Please believe me - I'm tying my best to let this go. Just doing a piss poor job.

 

But this is what confuses me. I came on here devestaed that he loves his wife - choose to stay with her, and people pointed out (given what I have said about this man) that its doubtful he loves her, doubtful he loves anyone except himself. It took me ages to see that they could be right. Now - when I feel its possible that he dosent love her - or what ever - everybody points out that he does love her.

 

Yes I am going round and round in circles. But I'm glad I'm doing it on here- if it wasnt for this place I would have made the whole situation messier than it already is by now.

[imstunned]

Stunned, in the 8 mos. you were together, where did he say he lived? Did you ever ask to go over to his place? Did he spend nights and weekends with you at your house? Were you able to reach him when you needed him?

 

I hope these questions are too personal, I'm just curious.

 

He lied about his name, where he lived, said he was never home as he was always away climbing the highest mountains in the world. he spent many nights - overnight - here with me at my house. He said he didnt have a house as he sold it. That he dossed on friends floors inbetween trips. Able to reach him when I needed him? Dont know what to say about that - I was able to reach him, but I never "needed" him. I didnt like to bother him with any of my boring life given how exciting his was. I didnt want my domestic situation to scare him off - he is a young guy. But isnt that a laugh!

[Meaplus3]

Please believe me - I'm tying my best to let this go. Just doing a piss poor job.

 

But this is what confuses me. I came on here devestaed that he loves his wife - choose to stay with her, and people pointed out (given what I have said about this man) that its doubtful he loves her, doubtful he loves anyone except himself. It took me ages to see that they could be right. Now - when I feel its possible that he dosent love her - or what ever - everybody points out that he does love her.

 

Yes I am going round and round in circles. But I'm glad I'm doing it on here- if it wasnt for this place I would have made the whole situation messier than it already is by now.

 

Listen! Don't knock yourself for having bad day's because you will! I very much agree that LS is very helpful, I know that because I was ready to tell mm's w and because of reading and posting my thought's here I did NOT and will never tell mm's W a thing. All I am trying to say is for me it's be a long drawn out journey pretty much brought on by myself. Don't let that be you with the question's as to why he got involved. Try so hard to really pull what you need from the post's and thread's here, in a postive way to help you get past this. You will be just fine. I hope I made sense. Hug's!

 

AP:)

[imstunned]

I do try to take what I need from LS - but then I got pulled up for it, as it appears that I only want to read nice replies that dont hurt.

 

It has been very helpful, but at times also very confusing. My story isnt just the story of your average woman finding out the guy she was seeing is married. Its all the lies. Him pretending to be somebody esle telling me he was dead. THATS why I want to hurt him. Not so much due to him being married. Its the lies. The pain it caused me when I thought he was dead. Thats why I go round in circles. Still trying to make sense of it. I posted my very first post around 5 weeks ago saying WTF! I'm still saying to myself WTF!

[Meaplus3]

I do try to take what I need from LS - but then I got pulled up for it, as it appears that I only want to read nice replies that dont hurt.

 

It has been very helpful, but at times also very confusing. My story isnt just the story of your average woman finding out the guy she was seeing is married. Its all the lies. Him pretending to be somebody esle telling me he was dead. THATS why I want to hurt him. Not so much due to him being married. Its the lies. The pain it caused me when I thought he was dead. Thats why I go round in circles. Still trying to make sense of it. I posted my very first post around 5 weeks ago saying WTF! I'm still saying to myself WTF!

 

Five week's is not enough time to be over this, it's a very upseting situation, you need more time. Everyone IMO heal's at their own rate. I understand that it's hard to read the post's that hurt, however sometimes they are the one's that you will find the most comfort from in the long run. Don't be so hard on yourself . Take the time you need to refocus on other area's of your life, you will get there.

 

AP:)

[norajane]

I do try to take what I need from LS - but then I got pulled up for it, as it appears that I only want to read nice replies that dont hurt.

 

It has been very helpful, but at times also very confusing. My story isnt just the story of your average woman finding out the guy she was seeing is married. Its all the lies. Him pretending to be somebody esle telling me he was dead. THATS why I want to hurt him. Not so much due to him being married. Its the lies. The pain it caused me when I thought he was dead. Thats why I go round in circles. Still trying to make sense of it. I posted my very first post around 5 weeks ago saying WTF! I'm still saying to myself WTF!

 

Unfortunately, the only answer to WTF?!? is that he is messed up.

 

He was messed up long before you met him, and will continue to be messed up long after. Knowing that doesn't answer all your other questions, and it's not necessarily satisfying, but the fact is the only kind of person who can do such things is messed up in his head.

[woe_is_me]

The pain it caused me when I thought he was dead. Thats why I go round in circles. Still trying to make sense of it. I posted my very first post around 5 weeks ago saying WTF! I'm still saying to myself WTF!

 

That pain is probably the same kind of pain you're experiencing now??

 

I did read somewhere that the sense of loss felt by the affair ending,for some, can be comparable to the grief caused by the death of a loved one....which makes sense i guess .. somebody you want to see but have no control over seeing anymore...

 

So try not to beat yourself up too much..healing from grief takes a long time. Accept that you won't forget him and 'time' will hopefully put things into perspective for you at some stage...

 

I look at it this way .. at least with his W finding out.. i don't have to be a part of HIS lies anymore .. HE is forced to be honest which is probably quite difficult for him.. I imagine what he must be like to live with and shudder... If anything count your blessings sweetheart..he is a liar and his W is NOT lucky...

[imstunned]

Thanks again girls (I'm assuming) for the replies. I have printed off the responses that I have found the most helpful from all of my threads. I have them pinned up all over my house.

 

I dont care if anyone thinks I am cherry picking, all I want to do is make sure I dont contact him again and not feel like utter rubbish in the meantime. SOME of the responses here will help me do that. I'm still pining for the man I fell in love with who dosent exist - the real man - he is a wa*ker!

 

Thank you.

[frannie]

imstunned, I haven't been around for a few days. I think this is your most recent thread... I'm really sorry you're going through all this and I hope you're still reading

 

I just dont get this man. He seems to be pretty full of remorse and regret for the damage he has done to his marriage. That dosent fit with narcissism. It makes me feel literally ILL - SICK to think that I'm the one that has woken him up to how much he is in love with his wife. I know I have said that before. But its breaking my heart.

 

I have no idea what I think telling his wife the whole story will achieve. She has NO IDEA who she is married to and what this man is capable of. He would have a hard time lying his way out of the 700 texts or so that I have between us. She clearly suspected something was up to check his phones, but both of us lied to her.She dosent know the half of it. I just feel that I want to MESS HIS LIFE UP. In the same way that he has messed with mine.

 

You say what he's telling you "doesn't fit with Narcissism", but imstunned, he's always lied to you so why do you feel that now he's suddenly telling you the truth? Or suddenly being honest with his W? Or working on anything? You know yourself he lied to her about the affair with you. There's no way they are living the life you imagine, or he is 'making a go' of anything.

 

She may or may not have no idea what he is like, we can't really know that. Regarding your strong desire for revenge, I have written you before I absolutely understand where those feelings are coming from. But at the moment, I think that what you're planning (telling her what went on between you), red hot out of your pain, is probably going to backfire. Remember I said I got my 'revenge' 9 months after the relationship was over..?

 

You don't have to do anything now, in fact, as he knows you're on to him, know where he lives, etc. he's probably carrying out some kind of damage limitation right now. Spinning something to his W which she may well believe, and the focus of both of them might end up being you. So... really, at the moment I'd leave it if I were you. You don't need any more pain.

 

I dont. I feel worthless. I feel unnatractive. I feel ugly. I feel a zillion miles away from the beautiful, desired and sexy confident woman I was when I was with him. I dont know how to get that from within. Our opinions of ourselves are fragile, and they are influenced by the opinions fo others. Spread enough **** and some of it starts to stick.

 

imstunned you sound like this... so low in self-esteem. What you say about feeling completely unattractive and unconfident without him... these are the things which led him to you in the first place. He knew that he could get you hooked into his words, because you reacted so positively to his adoration of you... you needed it so badly. And that's also why you feel so very, very bad now that he's deserted and rejected you. And you know what, and this will hurt... but he didn't care for you then, and he doesn't care for you now (your pain right now)... not because you're unlovable, unattractive or anything, but because he only cares about himself.

 

He made up all that rubbish about being a mountain climber with a lovely house and a sparkling future because he hates himself and everything he has... he needed you to believe in that unreal him, so he could 'be' that person... in YOUR eyes. Now that you can no longer mirror back that ideal, achieving individual to him, you are no use to him. Hence 'leave me alone'. That is the essence of Narcissism.

 

But this is what confuses me. I came on here devestaed that he loves his wife - choose to stay with her, and people pointed out (given what I have said about this man) that its doubtful he loves her, doubtful he loves anyone except himself. It took me ages to see that they could be right. Now - when I feel its possible that he dosent love her - or what ever - everybody points out that he does love her.

 

imstunned, not everyone reads every post or every thread on the board. People will often come to a new thread and comment for all sort of reasons and good intentions. Not everyone knows that your MM lied all the time you knew him, nor about the rock-climbing stories, nor his lying about being 'a friend' and his life being in danger. A lot of people will post to 'an OW', about 'a MM' who has 'gone back to his W' without a fuller idea of the facts. So... you know, take what is useful and leave what isn't. And don't worry too much about comments about you 'only wanting to hear what suits you'... that's a common criticism and I don't think it in any way applies to you.

 

Thanks again girls (I'm assuming) for the replies. I have printed off the responses that I have found the most helpful from all of my threads. I have them pinned up all over my house.

 

I dont care if anyone thinks I am cherry picking, all I want to do is make sure I dont contact him again and not feel like utter rubbish in the meantime. SOME of the responses here will help me do that. I'm still pining for the man I fell in love with who dosent exist - the real man - he is a wa*ker!

 

Thank you.

 

I think you're getting there! When does your counselling start..? Counselling and reading online about N and P personalities really helped me recover. I joined a forum for survivors of N and P, you might like to search it out... it really helps to have people who understand how crazy-making such individuals are.

 

Best of luck imstunned and I hope you're doing OK today.

[serial muse]

Hi IS - I hope you're doing OK, and that you're moving forward on getting therapy, particularly if you don't have anyone to confide in. The great thing about therapy is that you don't need to worry about sounding like a broken record, about talking about yourself for hours, about unloading over and over again. That's what it's for.

 

That said, I don't want to add to your confusion - much of what you've posted recently confirms what I posted a couple of weeks ago, including your recent text exchange. The man is afraid you'll bust him; and the trick is that although you may worry that you're just giving him what he wants, it's much, much better for you not to contact him further. Whether or not you choose to talk to his wife - well, I can't advise you on that. There are just so many different factors and different temperaments, and good points on both sides. As a former BW, I generally advocate for the wife finding out, by whatever means necessary. In your situation, however, I'm not sure that's what's best for you, whether it's what's best for her or not.

 

(I strongly disagree with GEL, by the way, that the wife always "knows" on some level - the power of downplaying and minimizing is strong, and can certainly alter a situation from intolerable to bearable. Indeed, I'm sure his wife is suspicious of him, and is perhaps aware that he is a pathological liar and a weakling. But it's a very different thing to think your partner had a text "flirtation" with someone rather than a full-blown affair.)

 

But that's neither here nor there for you. I really do feel for you, and I can only tell you that it takes time and faith in yourself to recover from the lies, whether you're a BS, OP or unwitting OP. It's bewildering, insulting, infuriating, hurtful. I know, believe me! But truly, therapy can help.

 

However, an even more important point was already raised by someone earlier, and I think it got a bit lost. I think it was norajane (sorry if I'm wrong) who asked how you saw yourself pre-affair. You mentioned that you felt like a beautiful, sexy, desirable woman while with him - but this post gave me pause:

 

He lied about his name, where he lived, said he was never home as he was always away climbing the highest mountains in the world. he spent many nights - overnight - here with me at my house. He said he didnt have a house as he sold it. That he dossed on friends floors inbetween trips. Able to reach him when I needed him? Dont know what to say about that - I was able to reach him, but I never "needed" him. I didnt like to bother him with any of my boring life given how exciting his was. I didnt want my domestic situation to scare him off - he is a young guy. But isnt that a laugh!

 

I do NOT mean this as a criticism, but more to help you try to put all of this into perspective. In this post, you describe how you hid yourself from him, changed the nature of your true self because YOU didn't feel proud of who you are. I'm not likening this to his actions in ANY way, so please don't read it like that. What I am saying is that you felt like you couldn't be yourself with him. Was he really such a Prince Charming, then? Was he really that wonderful? No - he was a fantasy (one that you loved, I know) with whom you could escape your "boring" life.

 

Oh, sweetie. Do you really see your life as boring? Do you really feel like you'd have to hide it or downplay it to someone who is actually worth being with? Those are the things you need to focus on, not on him - that fantasy bubble has been burst, and it really is for the best, for a number of reasons. You should search for someone with whom you can be yourself, with whom you can live out your real (vibrant) life, not for someone whose fantasy is so complete that you can also lose yourself in it for a little while.

 

He was not good for you, and not only because he was a liar. With him out of the picture, perhaps now you can figure out how to be proud of who you are, whether or not you're dating someone. And think about this, by the way - he didn't, in the end, reject that "real" person, or her "needs," or her "boring life." He didn't even know about them. It was never, never about you. You were caught in the crossfire.

[TogetherForever]

TF waves to IS hoping she's in the area.

How are you doing?

TF

[imstunned]

Hi - I'm still here. I check the forums all the time, but there is nothing new to say so I havent posted. I always find alot of sense in your posts frannie & serial muse - thank you for posting to me again, and thanks TF too.

 

It will be six weeks tomorrow since the wife called. Not very long really is it. I miss the man I fell in love with like crazy. I cant imagine ever feeling the level of attraction like I did for him ever again, and no man is comming close to him in my eyes. BUT after a big meal for a friends birthday and several drinks, rather than texting exmm I texted my old flame! A start.

 

Serial Muse - I was never ashamed of my life, it can be boring, I'm isolated etc, but not ashamed. I just thought that as a young guy he wouldnt be into talking about my son, and to be totally honest one of the things that I loved about being with him was that he was interested in ME, not my son (though I remember thinking how at ease he was with my son). Most of the time when we were together we sopke about his climbing - I found it all truly fascinating. I read 3 books !! I think I actually know more about it now than he does!

 

Frannie - you raise some really valid points. I agree with them all I think - most of the time. Then I freak out, and get upset all over again about how much he loves his wife and how I'm the affiar that woke him up to that. Sometimes I just cant make up y mind what I think - and despite everything I sometimes (often actually) think that he is a nice guy, who lied to enable him to have an affair with me, who got busted, and is really trying to now work it out with his wife. Though - if he was a nice guy I think perhaps he wouldnt have treated me the way he did when she found out whatever it is she found out??

 

Occasionally I remember things that give me a glimpse into who he may really be - we had many long long phone conversations. I remember the 1st or the second one he was almost whispering. He said he was in a hostel and the walls were thin. Our converations always became intimate. I felt it was us maintaining a long distance relationship. . . .during this phone call where he was quiet with the thin walls and eveything I could hear something in the background. said "what on earth is that noise" He said in a very distasteful voice "oh theres loads of **** going on outside". I realise that while he and I were having an intimate phone call his wife was dealing with his two young kids. Thats what I must of heard (even though it didnt sound like that). It kind of turns my stomach a bit. . . .so I push it back out of my head.

 

Any way - for what its worth I can say that I'm 99% sure I wont be telling his wife. Whats the point. My motives are too screwed up.