Knowledge is power?

[PLAYBRAT]

I'm Stunned....Been following your thread.....

 

I just want to toss something out there that has NOT already been said...

 

If this guy is such an accomplished liar, he could have also fabricated his wife as a way to dump you. At this point ANYTHING is a possibility. he had you believing he was out climbing mountains..who is to say he didn't put someone else up to calling you to say it was his wife??? He had a supposed 'friend" contact you saying you could be dead......why wouldn;t he lie to you about this too?? He had to know he would be found out eventually, and maybe he was simply burning this bridge with you in advance. This insect sounds like he is capable of pretty much anything....so it would not shock me if his entire life....wife included was fabricated.

 

You did not say if you even VERIFIED this was really his wife. Maybe I missed that part. Before beating your head against the wall....do some detective work. For all YOU know this guy is a REAL con artist and who knows? Maybe even wanted for conning other people.

 

You CAN be proactive by looking into this further. At the very least you'll

have done everything possible to ease your mind....and who knows? Maybe stop him from hurting OTHER women...

[imstunned]

I'm Stunned....Been following your thread.....

 

I just want to toss something out there that has NOT already been said...

 

If this guy is such an accomplished liar, he could have also fabricated his wife as a way to dump you. At this point ANYTHING is a possibility. he had you believing he was out climbing mountains..who is to say he didn't put someone else up to calling you to say it was his wife??? He had a supposed 'friend" contact you saying you could be dead......why wouldn;t he lie to you about this too?? He had to know he would be found out eventually, and maybe he was simply burning this bridge with you in advance. This insect sounds like he is capable of pretty much anything....so it would not shock me if his entire life....wife included was fabricated.

 

You did not say if you even VERIFIED this was really his wife. Maybe I missed that part. Before beating your head against the wall....do some detective work. For all YOU know this guy is a REAL con artist and who knows? Maybe even wanted for conning other people.

 

You CAN be proactive by looking into this further. At the very least you'll

have done everything possible to ease your mind....and who knows? Maybe stop him from hurting OTHER women...

 

Somebody else suggested this to me. I've never bought it. She is real. For sure. My gut told me she was real. I could hear the anger in her voice. I know her name, their childrens name. Their address. I even know how much their house cost when they bought it last year (the wonders of the internet). Also - he has a profile on one of these web sites - dosent say much, but it does have comments from friends who say congratulations on the birth of the baby girl - and how is X dong after the birth etc. She is real.

[frannie]

Frannie - you raise some really valid points. I agree with them all I think - most of the time. Then I freak out, and get upset all over again about how much he loves his wife and how I'm the affiar that woke him up to that. Sometimes I just cant make up y mind what I think - and despite everything I sometimes (often actually) think that he is a nice guy, who lied to enable him to have an affair with me, who got busted, and is really trying to now work it out with his wife. Though - if he was a nice guy I think perhaps he wouldnt have treated me the way he did when she found out whatever it is she found out?? ...

 

... I realise that while he and I were having an intimate phone call his wife was dealing with his two young kids. Thats what I must of heard (even though it didnt sound like that). It kind of turns my stomach a bit. . . .so I push it back out of my head.

 

Any way - for what its worth I can say that I'm 99% sure I wont be telling his wife. Whats the point. My motives are too screwed up.

 

I think you're right, if he was the nice guy he pretended to be he wouldn't have acted like any of this... It actually shocked me just when you said he'd come round and met your son, while lying to you all the time and pretending you had a future. I'm so sorry you've gone through all this.

 

I'm glad you've put telling the W on the back burner. Concentrate on you... it will take a long time to get over, but fwiw I think you're doing a fantastic job. Much better than I was doing after such a short time, to be perfectly honest

[PLAYBRAT]

You know what....I know a lot of posters will disagree with me..but really if this were ME...I would write his W a nice LONG detailed letter about her H.

 

She obviously suspected something or she wouldnt have called you...so in essence you are NOT exactly hurting her purposely.You ARE doing her a favor.

Normally I WOULD advise against this...but in this case...this guy has gone to GREAT lengths to lie, manipulate and hurt you without so much as a glance backward. ALL he is concerned about is HIMSELF. Period.

 

You telling his wife the truth may not break them up...but that should not be your goal. It's the fact that he is walking away unscathed while you lie writhing in pain...ALL due to HIS actions. This is NO different than a man who looked you in the eyes...smiled and ran you over with his car...then left you for dead. In this scenerio he is going to do whatever it takes to make sure no one ever knows who ran you over. THAT is premeditation and THAT is what is killing you.

 

SO that IS why I think he should be found out. I think he has done this so many times he has honed his skills. It is really up to you.....but in my opinion..you have NOTHING to lose by telling his W. He is an insect...and needs to be squashed immediately.

[imstunned]

You know what....I know a lot of posters will disagree with me..but really if this were ME...I would write his W a nice LONG detailed letter about her H.

 

She obviously suspected something or she wouldnt have called you...so in essence you are NOT exactly hurting her purposely.You ARE doing her a favor.

Normally I WOULD advise against this...but in this case...this guy has gone to GREAT lengths to lie, manipulate and hurt you without so much as a glance backward. ALL he is concerned about is HIMSELF. Period.

 

You telling his wife the truth may not break them up...but that should not be your goal. It's the fact that he is walking away unscathed while you lie writhing in pain...ALL due to HIS actions. This is NO different than a man who looked you in the eyes...smiled and ran you over with his car...then left you for dead. In this scenerio he is going to do whatever it takes to make sure no one ever knows who ran you over. THAT is premeditation and THAT is what is killing you.

 

SO that IS why I think he should be found out. I think he has done this so many times he has honed his skills. It is really up to you.....but in my opinion..you have NOTHING to lose by telling his W. He is an insect...and needs to be squashed immediately.

 

I do think many who know my story will agree with you. But they have advised me not to do anything as it wont be good for ME. I dont really know this man - I only know the beautiful man he pretended to be. If I tell his wife - god only knows what he would do. I HAVE NO IDEA what he is capable of. I actually havent a clue of what she may be capable either.

 

The evidence was on his phone. It was clear as day. If she chooses to belive all the lies some more - thats up to her.

[imstunned]

I think you're right, if he was the nice guy he pretended to be he wouldn't have acted like any of this... It actually shocked me just when you said he'd come round and met your son, while lying to you all the time and pretending you had a future. I'm so sorry you've gone through all this.

 

I'm glad you've put telling the W on the back burner. Concentrate on you... it will take a long time to get over, but fwiw I think you're doing a fantastic job. Much better than I was doing after such a short time, to be perfectly honest

 

I'm not sure I'm doing too great a job - I still miss him, and I still want him, nutter that I am. However I AM starting to see that he really isnt who I thought he was. I'm suprised at how long that has taken - and Its only just a start - I still lapse into thinking he is that lovely guy again, working things out with his lovely wife in their fairytale relationship. Makes me want to VOMIT.

 

Thanks for the support x

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not sure I'm doing too great a job - I still miss him, and I still want him, nutter that I am. However I AM starting to see that he really isnt who I thought he was. I'm suprised at how long that has taken - and Its only just a start - I still lapse into thinking he is that lovely guy again, working things out with his lovely wife in their fairytale relationship. Makes me want to VOMIT.

 

Thanks for the support x

 

Stunned

 

Whenever you think about how much you want him, redirect your mind to the liar you found him to be. Whenever you miss him, tell yourself you miss the man he pretended to be - not the man he actually is. Whenever you remember the good times, remember too that you will feel that way again only with someone that's not lying to you one day.

 

You will get through this. Beating up on yourself is just NOT the way to go. And it will lead to more obsessively thinking about him and why he did what he did to you.

[imstunned]

I don't wish to beat you up, but I am curious as to why you would believe anything that a man who is lying to his wife would tell you the truth. And it seems a little strange that you would let him meet your son when you knew so little about him or what he was capable of. It seems like an unnecessary risk for a potential involvement for life. If I missed something in your post, please redirect me.

 

I'm not sure I do believe that they he is "making a go of things" but thats what he is saying so I can choose to believe him or not. Either way he dosent want to continue his affair with me.

 

He met my son for about 15 mins one night when he arrived early. It was a while down the line and I'm not overly concerned about it. It wasnt like we all spent the day togehter.

 

My gut instinct about this man was always nothing but good. My gut sensed the lies, but told me that HE was a GOOD man. Short of hiring a pvt deective in the future my gut is all I have to go on. This is part of the reason that I STILL wonder if he is a good guy who made a mistake - I felt he was the nicest man I had ever met.

 

Weird that my gut was wrong and right. I'm not sure I'll trust it in the future!

[marlena]

Whenever you think about how much you want him, redirect your mind to the liar you found him to be. Whenever you miss him, tell yourself you miss the man he pretended to be - not the man he actually is. Whenever you remember the good times, remember too that you will feel that way again only with someone that's not lying to you one day.

 

Good advice! I did this and it helped! Still does!!!

 

 

I also agree with one poster in here who said you are doing fine, all considered. It's only been six weeks. I was a lot worse than you are , Stun! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for!

[frannie]

My gut instinct about this man was always nothing but good. My gut sensed the lies, but told me that HE was a GOOD man. Short of hiring a pvt deective in the future my gut is all I have to go on. This is part of the reason that I STILL wonder if he is a good guy who made a mistake - I felt he was the nicest man I had ever met.

 

Weird that my gut was wrong and right. I'm not sure I'll trust it in the future!

 

If your gut sensed the lies, it is still reliable, imstunned.

 

I think the reason that people get blindsided like this isn't because their gut is off, but that it's so very hard to believe there are people out there who would do this to another person. To make up, completely, who you are, to lie about being 'a friend' and put you through all that..? Personally, I think your brain was telling you things like that don't happen... What was the alternative, paranoia?

 

We don't go around thinking that everyone around us is making up stories. That would as I say, be paranoid. No, you were very sensible and took him at face value. The fact it's all turned out like this is NO reflection on you at all. You're perfectly normal, reacting normally. And in future you will know that if your gut says 'this seems like a lie'... then you know to investigate

 

(( imstunned ))

[woe_is_me]

You know what....I know a lot of posters will disagree with me..but really if this were ME...I would write his W a nice LONG detailed letter about her H.

 

She obviously suspected something or she wouldnt have called you...so in essence you are NOT exactly hurting her purposely.You ARE doing her a favor.

Normally I WOULD advise against this...but in this case...this guy has gone to GREAT lengths to lie, manipulate and hurt you without so much as a glance backward. ALL he is concerned about is HIMSELF. Period.

 

You telling his wife the truth may not break them up...but that should not be your goal. It's the fact that he is walking away unscathed while you lie writhing in pain...ALL due to HIS actions. This is NO different than a man who looked you in the eyes...smiled and ran you over with his car...then left you for dead. In this scenerio he is going to do whatever it takes to make sure no one ever knows who ran you over. THAT is premeditation and THAT is what is killing you.

 

SO that IS why I think he should be found out. I think he has done this so many times he has honed his skills. It is really up to you.....but in my opinion..you have NOTHING to lose by telling his W. He is an insect...and needs to be squashed immediately.

 

playbrat...that's just dumb...a really dumb suggestion...

 

do u think all married men are weak little saplings who wont retaliate to their lives being deliberately turned upside down by some weak knee'd woman they screwed on the side????

 

whoever this suggestion is intended for..please ignore it and just do NOTHING..forget the wife forget any letters and most of all..forget him...

 

i have two cell phone numbers in her name i could text info to at any given moment...and 28 printed out emails from his reeling me in that would nail his sorry ass that i could send to their address at any given moment.......but do i!? nope... sure it would be fun to let her know all about her hubby but then i picture his possible rage at me........what i figure is..he could probably screw every woman who made herself available and his W would still stay with him...so really..whats the point..in any of it.....

[imstunned]

playbrat...that's just dumb...a really dumb suggestion...

 

 

whoever this suggestion is intended for..please ignore it and just do NOTHING..forget the wife forget any letters and most of all..forget him...

 

 

I dont think its a dumb suggestion. Not at all. I swing right between being sure I will contact the wife and then being sure I wont bother. I keep reading bits and bobs here and there about karma - and about the truth always comming out. I dont believe either of those things. He has indeed got away with it - now playing happy families, and I am now a changed person for life.

 

Somtimes I just dont think I can allow the son of a bitch to get away with it. He just dosent deserve to!

[justice]

If you feel so strongly about things why don't you just back out of their marriage until he decides to make you an honest woman? Either way it goes, someone is going to get hurt. How do you feel about pain? Either on the recieveing end or the giving it? Cause you will be in for alot of both eventually....

[imstunned]

If you feel so strongly about things why don't you just back out of their marriage until he decides to make you an honest woman? Either way it goes, someone is going to get hurt. How do you feel about pain? Either on the recieveing end or the giving it? Cause you will be in for alot of both eventually....

 

Hi - I can only guess you dont know the full story - I am already devestated. I thought my ex mm was a SINGLE man who was developing a relationship with me. Only 8 months in did I discover I wasnt the only woman but the other woman.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Yup, the guy's a definite scumbag who deserves every ROTTEN thing that happens to him.

 

Of course, he's free to pull his scam AGAIN on another unknowing victim. Since everyone advises not to tell his wife, there are really no repurcussions for what this jerkoff did.

 

I can guarantee you that if any scumbag EVER pulls that on me, the day I find out about it I'll be on the phone with his wife. I don't CARE what she does with the information once she has it - that's her choice. But I believe a woman should KNOW what she's married to and be given the opportunity to make decisions based on KNOWLEDGE - not lying and gaslighting like this utter LOSER has done since day #1.

[PLAYBRAT]

WOE IS ME:

 

Excuse me...but my advice is not "dumb". Just because YOU wouldn't do it does not make MY advice any less valid. If you don't like my advice fine..that's YOUR choice, but to say it's dumb is rude and disrespectful.

[frannie]

I believe a woman should KNOW what she's married to and be given the opportunity to make decisions based on KNOWLEDGE - not lying and gaslighting like this utter LOSER has done since day #1.

 

True, but it's not down to imstunned to worry about his W at this stage. Imstunned needs to do what is best for her healing, whatever that is.

 

Baby, please don't ever trust a MM no matter how nice he appears.

 

Just for those who don't know the story. Again.

 

She didn't know he was married.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can’t, for the life of me, imagine any reason why I wouldn’t have spilled the beans right then and there at the moment this “not-supposed-to-exist” wife called me. While I can certainly picture myself being knocked for a stupor momentarily, eventually I would have come to my senses enough to construct a coherent sentence ... unless I was passed out cold from the shock of it all.

 

Short of being unconscious, I can’t come up with one plausible reason why I wouldn’t have felt justified (even obliged) to give this poor woman every sordid detail of what this con artist had said and done. If my only mistake was believing him when he said he was single, than I’m not at fault and certainly have nothing to fear or hide. And considering we’d BOTH been scammed, whether or not to “protect” this moron would hardly be a forethought let alone an after thought.

 

Unfortunately, we can all look back on a situation and imagine what we might have said or done if we were thinking with a clearer head. Sometimes the opportunity to go back and do things differently escapes us. And I think this is just one of those unique circumstances where attempting a do-over this late in the game will create more of a hindrance in your recovery than any sense of resolution, satisfaction or peace of mind. It’ll just keep you connected to the toxic situation and stuck in the perpetual drama of it all ... which can so often become addictive and prevent people from moving on.

 

Besides, if the “sex” was the only detail that was left out, I’m sure somewhere along the line she has started to put two n' two together ... if her husband hasn’t already confessed in some way. I’m worried it might prove more emotionally devastating for you if you called the families home after all this time, only to discover everything was already out on the table and they were joined together in their resolve to work through it. Given that your sense of self worth is already suffering as a result of what all this has done to you, I don’t see how staying connected to that man or his situation at home is going to help you find the courage, self esteem and motivation you finally need to move on with your own life.

[stillafool]

I can’t, for the life of me, imagine any reason why I wouldn’t have spilled the beans right then and there at the moment this “not-supposed-to-exist” wife called me. While I can certainly picture myself being knocked for a stupor momentarily, eventually I would have come to my senses enough to construct a coherent sentence ... unless I was passed out cold from the shock of it all.

 

Short of being unconscious, I can’t come up with one plausible reason why I wouldn’t have felt justified (even obliged) to give this poor woman every sordid detail of what this con artist had said and done. If my only mistake was believing him when he said he was single, than I’m not at fault and certainly have nothing to fear or hide. And considering we’d BOTH been scammed, whether or not to “protect” this moron would hardly be a forethought let alone an after thought.

 

You know what I have to agree!!! Damn him. If he can tell these types of lies then his wife definitely needs to know the truth. This is not the first time this guy has done this and ran back home to his wife. He's a nut. I'm thinking by not telling his wife you are doing a disservice to her.

You didn't ask for this! You were not looking to get involved with a mm! If I were his w and my h had done this I would pray to know about it. He is the worse piece of scum immaginable and be glad he's gone. If you still want him after know all of this you need therapy.

[imstunned]

I think I do agree with you both. But it will probably cause me more pain as I still care about and miss the man I THOUGHT he was. Its very likely it will come back and bite me on the ASS if I do anything.

 

I didnt tell her the truth when she called as I was so shocked - AND it was only once I sopke to her that I realised the ful extent of his lies. The followed weeks and weeks of relalisation after realisation about him. By then I felt it was too late to tell her the truth. And BESIDES - I dont know their phone number. Only their address.

 

I'm pretty sure he will do it again. In fact I'd bet money on it. She will find out soon enough what kind of man he is, if she really dosent know already. Should she ever call me again, I'd tell her everything she wants to know.

[child_of_isis]

It is more likely to bite you on the ass for doing nothing.

 

Think of the karma.

 

No matter how you spin it, you are protecting a lying cheating MM.

 

 

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good (wo)men do nothing"

 

I think you need to do it for your own peace of mind and healing.

 

Some folks need to ride things out smoothly in order to heal. Some need to crash some waves.

 

 

 

Its very likely it will come back and bite me on the ASS if I do anything.

 

[imstunned]

It is more likely to bite you on the ass for doing nothing.

 

Think of the karma.

 

No matter how you spin it, you are protecting a lying cheating MM.

 

 

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good (wo)men do nothing"

 

I think you need to do it for your own peace of mind and healing.

 

Some folks need to ride things out smoothly in order to heal. Some need to crash some waves.

 

I have been thinking of karma alot recently. I would prefer to think I am not responsible for the Karma train comming to get him. The karma trian should be heading right for him for what he has done to me AND his wife all on its own. I'm not protecting him, I'm trying to protect myself by staying away from him, her and the whole situation. She wouldnt thank me for it, they would side together I'm sure and make out I'm a psycho (which I am not).

[child_of_isis]

Is whatever you are doing working for you now?

 

Is it helping?

 

If so, then that is where you need to be.

 

If not, you may want to change your strategy. See, this is all about you now.

 

As some had said earlier...whatever it takes for YOU to heal.

 

I have been thinking of karma alot recently. I would prefer to think I am not responsible for the Karma train comming to get him. The karma trian should be heading right for him for what he has done to me AND his wife all on its own. I'm not protecting him, I'm trying to protect myself by staying away from him, her and the whole situation. She wouldnt thank me for it, they would side together I'm sure and make out I'm a psycho (which I am not).