Knowledge is power?

[marlena]

TBF,

I guess we were posting simultaneously!

[GreenEyedLady]

It's no different from when the OW/OM believes the MM.

 

I'm sorry it is different...Both you and I had unfaithful H's...and we both knew...Most W's know at some level that something is wrong...Some to choose to ignore and hope it goes away...But they usually know...Especially if they have some type of evidence...

[Trialbyfire]

Appears so marlena.

 

A cheater lies to all parties.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry it is different...Both you and I had unfaithful H's...and we both knew...Most W's know at some level that something is wrong...Some to choose to ignore and hope it goes away...But they usually know...Especially if they have some type of evidence...

An OW has real knowledge, a wife can guess. I didn't know right away. Also, in your situation, it was a lot more complex than simple cheating. With the additional complexity, it would have caused far more emotional upheaval.

[Ladyjane14]

I can't believe his W would be that clueless...Most W's have a nose for that sort of thing, especially if they actually call the OP...

 

Like most betrayed wives, she probably knows some but not all. Stunned isn't the first OW posting here who's expressed irritation at the idea of being minimized. Think about all the MM who get busted and then sell it back home as an EA rather than a full-fledged affair, ones who claim it's just a "friendship" which got a little too personal.

Nope. Wives are kept in the dark for as long as possible about as much as possible.

 

That said, the wife's problem is NOT Stunned's problem. Stunned's plate is full enough.

 

 

(Thanks Marlena... :))

[GreenEyedLady]

An OW has real knowledge, a wife can guess. I didn't know right away. Also, in your situation, it was a lot more complex than simple cheating. With the additional complexity, it would have caused far more emotional upheaval.

 

In Im's case she didn't have real knowledge...She didn't know until the W called...

 

W's don't know right away, but if it goes on long enough, there's changes etc. that they see...And apparently his W saw them or she wouldn't have checked his texts and called Im...

 

But you're right, that's not Im's problem...

[head.heart& hand]

IS.

--You've been given really good advice, the hard part is staying disciplined and following it. Good luck.

[imstunned]

I tried to have a nap at the same time as my son. I couldnt sleep. I'm too upset and too angry. I can see that NC is good as it just hurts too much when I break it.

 

All I said was that I was missing him and he has to be nasty. Please leave me alone. . . .

 

I just dont get this man. He seems to be pretty full of remorse and regret for the damage he has done to his marriage. That dosent fit with narcissism. It makes me feel literally ILL - SICK to think that I'm the one that has woken him up to how much he is in love with his wife. I know I have said that before. But its breaking my heart.

 

I have no idea what I think telling his wife the whole story will achieve. She has NO IDEA who she is married to and what this man is capable of. He would have a hard time lying his way out of the 700 texts or so that I have between us. She clearly suspected something was up to check his phones, but both of us lied to her.She dosent know the half of it. I just feel that I want to MESS HIS LIFE UP. In the same way that he has messed with mine.

[GreenEyedLady]

I just dont get this man. He seems to be pretty full of remorse and regret for the damage he has done to his marriage. That dosent fit with narcissism. It makes me feel literally ILL - SICK to think that I'm the one that has woken him up to how much he is in love with his wife. I know I have said that before. But its breaking my heart.

 

I have no idea what I think telling his wife the whole story will achieve. She has NO IDEA who she is married to and what this man is capable of. He would have a hard time lying his way out of the 700 texts or so that I have between us. She clearly suspected something was up to check his phones, but both of us lied to her.She dosent know the half of it. I just feel that I want to MESS HIS LIFE UP. In the same way that he has messed with mine.

 

Why stoop to his level? You don't have to get him, you need to forget him...

 

Yes, he did you wrong and played with your heart...But that is the risk anyone takes when they are in a R...Learn from this experience and move forward...You are spending far too much time thinking so negatively about yourself...

 

Try to be positive...Be glad that you didn't waste any more time on a man who didn't even tell you his real name?! Be glad that you're not his W and that you are free to live your life happily and without deceit...You're the free one in all this-CHERISH that!

 

And forget about the W, she's his problem not yours...Their M is between them...What makes you think he's sitting thinking he's so in love with his W? He's just saving his a** right now...That doesn't have anything to do with love-that's pure survival instincts right there...

 

Do not contact him again...Erase his number, email, everything...You don't want him to be able to say that you are stalking him...

 

Be glad that you got out with the least amount of damage done...And stop all the negative self-talk...See a counselor because you need someone to help you see the truth...You're not a horrible person, you were lied to...

[OpenBook]

hello. I dont think its a good idea for me to go out. Not untill this man is out of my head and my heart. ALL it does for me is confirm that the connection the I felt when I met this man dose not happen very often AT ALL. its a one off.

 

He replied to me by text this morning asking me to leave him alone. Nice. All I piggin well did was go to the place we met, get a little drunk and tell him I missed him.

 

Naturally I replied to his text, saying I have been a good girl, vanishing into thin air, lying to his wife, I let him know that I know where he lives by asking how life is treating him in ABC street. Said that I tell him I miss him and he is still nasty.

 

Then I got more of the please please dont f*ck this up for me any more than I already have - I didnt mean to be nasty ect. We are making a go of things - and a few more texts back and forth. A few more please please dont do this. I still dont know what the hell he means when he says it. I said its like I am dead to you. He said you are not dead to me, but please understand I cant be caught texting.

 

I just hate this. I try and focus on other things and no matter how hard I try it dosent work. I go out, and feel emptier and worse than I did before. I'm aware how messed up this is - and I am going to go into therapy - but at the moment I just miss him so so much, and really want him back in my life.

 

this is hideous. In 5 whole weeks since she called me and its all off and I havent moved forward one little bit. He is begging me not to do this - please please dont do this - I must be totally clueless as I dont know what the hell he means. If he dosent want me to contact him (and I hardly have) then he can just ignore me.

 

If I could just get it into my evidently very thick skull that he dosent want me & dosent care about me. He says dont make it any more difficut than it already is. ?????? Difficult for who? For him? Aww - poor baby - he should have bloody well thought about that before tricking me into having an affair with him.

 

And if I see him text "we are making a go of things" one more time - I think I'll scream.

 

I am sorry for being a stuck record. Even I'm getting sick of myself.

 

Stop it, Stunned. Just STOP IT!!! You're barking up the wrong tree. You're driving yourself bananas, looking for your own validation from someone else... especially one who has proven himself to be TOTALLY unworthy and TOTALLY unqualified to give it.

 

He made you feel wonderful, and that's why you want him back, right? You must remember that you ARE ALREADY wonderful... and you were that way WELL before he came into the picture.

 

You're acting like he's the last man on earth for you, and if you don't get him back you're DOOMED to a loveless, meaningless existence for the rest of your life. This is COMPLETE HORSE MANURE. You've simply been thru a bad experience - OK, a HORRIBLE experience - with a member of the opposite sex. You're a little older, a little wiser - and you WILL BE a lot stronger. Soon. You just need to step back from it all right now. Chill. Breathe.

 

I can share with you what really helped me through this (when I was going thru the same thing, years ago) was realizing that my goal should be TO ALWAYS FEEL THAT WONDERFUL WAY, REGARDLESS of who was in my life. That it should come from within myself. It helped me take the focus off Mr. Jerkwad and put it back where it belonged - on myself.

 

You're giving away ALL your power and putting it into his hands. It's time you took it back. And take your heart back too, while you're at it!!

[marlena]

You're giving away ALL your power and putting it into his hands. It's time you took it back. And take your heart back too, while you're at it!!

 

 

Again, some great advice!

 

Stun, listen to us!! We can't all be wrong, can we?

[imstunned]

i dont think you are all worng. I KNOW that you are right - its just that I dont FEEL that you are right. Does that make sense. Like I KNOW I shouldnt contact him - but I still want to. I know I shouldnt be missing him, but I still AM. I know I SHOULDNT envy his poor wife - but i DO.

 

I know how i SHOULD feel - but I dont. its the best I can explain it. Perhaps it really is all just too recent, and too painful just now. And OW = you are right - I have gone further down the path of feeling worthless - its like I need him to tell me he is thinking of me, misses me, etc, when I should know I am a worthwhile person with out him.

 

I dont. I feel worthless. I feel unnatractive. I feel ugly. I feel a zillion miles away from the beautiful, desired and sexy confident woman I was when I was with him. I dont know how to get that from within. Our opinions of ourselves are fragile, and they are influenced by the opinions fo others. Spread enough **** and some of it starts to stick.

 

I so appreciate all your replies. i hoped to be doing better by now, but i'm not. I hope counselling can help.

[head.heart& hand]

"I know how i SHOULD feel - but I dont".

 

Respond with logic and allow your feeling to catch up.

Trust this!!!---and in time, your mind and heart will be in sync and you will regain control of both.

[Ladyjane14]

She clearly suspected something was up to check his phones, but both of us lied to her.She dosent know the half of it.

 

So, you went from unwitting victim to accomplice then. If this is out-of-character for you, if you're the kind of person who wouldn't have touched a MM with a 10-foot-pole, then maybe your conscience is needling you over the lie you told, hence your unrest.

 

I think I'd factor that into the "to-tell-or-not-to-tell" equation if I were you.

 

Is clearing your conscience an even trade for the additional drama you might face? Would it make you feel significantly better about yourself and your previous choices?

Bear in mind, just like his wife... you 'bought in' to the lies. While we can't control the perfidy of others, we have to take at least a modicum of responsibility in situations where we feel we might've been particularly gullible.

 

Do you feel like you were easily gulled in this situation? Because that too, could be adding to your sense of unrest.

[meetme26]

imstunned, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Even though my xmm didn't disguise who he was, I knew he was married (bad, bad me!). It doesn't change the fact that I tend to gloss over the bad stuff (the fact he WAS married w/ a child at home), and only remember the good (travel, amazing sex!). It hurts like h*ll! Thinking you've been thrown away, the W has won because he's now working "so hard" on his M, and you have "lost" because you don't have him! Whenever I run into him out and about, I struggle(hourly) with calling his work and turning him in for breaking their "moral code of conduct". I have to look at the big picture and the long term effects of my actions. 1) He was never "mine" to begin with to lose, 2)Would I ever be able to trust him when he goes out to work or with friends, knowing now what he is capable of? (and he travels alot for work), 3) Forgive yourself for the drunken text, cause everybody has moments of weakness!, 4) I know that lashing out and trying to make him feel bad for how you feel about the situation may help you now and in the short term, but what consequences will happen to you by continuing to contact him? Restraining orders, potential arrests? Cause if you don't stop now, it's just going to spiral out of control.

 

I've always heard that living well and looking good are the best revenge! Since my xmm "threw" me away, I've started what I like to call "Project Me". I've lost weight, shaped up nicely, cut my hair, and worked on strengthening my self-esteem. I'm gonna be honest, I've not only done it for myself but for my potential future SINGLE boyfriends. But I also know that I run into the xmm once in a while (about every couple of months), and I want when he sees me to think "Damn, I sure screwed up!, I could've been with someone like her who is AWESOME inside and out. Instead, I have to go home to my W and hear her bitch at me on a regular basis about how I've hurt her, AND work MY a@# off to repair the damage I'VE done."(ps-she can also turn him in to his employer and get him fired. Now he's stuck! He can't leave because he'll lose his house, possibly custody of his son, AND his 25 year career! Who's the one being screwed now?) So you see imstunned, it's a mental game. Again, I struggle on a daily basis, but when you get down to it, I was a good person before I met him, I'm learning from my mistakes, and I'm going to try to be a better, stronger person from here on out. "Fake it till you make it!"

[Ladyjane14]

I feel worthless. I feel unnatractive. I feel ugly. I feel a zillion miles away from the beautiful, desired and sexy confident woman I was when I was with him. I dont know how to get that from within.

 

You step back from your situation and you look at it analytically is what you do. Hey, if you're not in control of your emotions... then your emotions are in control of YOU.

 

You're substituting feelings for logic, and that's okay if your objective is wallowing. If your goal is actually to build some self-esteem though, you address your goal with your logical mind, ask yourself the tough questions, plot out a course, and move with positive action to actualize the person you most WANT to be.

[whichwayisup]

i dont think you are all worng. I KNOW that you are right - its just that I dont FEEL that you are right. Does that make sense. Like I KNOW I shouldnt contact him - but I still want to. I know I shouldnt be missing him, but I still AM. I know I SHOULDNT envy his poor wife - but i DO.

 

But telling him all this makes YOU feel worse. HE DOESN'T CARE.

You tell him "I miss you." His reaction is, "Please leave me alone." He is NOT going to tell you "I miss you too!" He completely ignored your "I miss you". He asked you to leave him alone. I understand your pain, frustration and your need to for closure, but this man is NOT going to help you at all, infact every new bit of contact is slamming a hammer down on you. Keep going down this road, you're going to end up in the loony bin as he is NOT going to do anything to encourage you to keep in contact with him. Sorry, the sick f*ck that he is wants you to go away and the more you contact him, HE will feel harrassed by you and turn this against you. He could be now saving his text messages - You say "I miss you." He says "Please leave me alone, I'm trying to fix my marriage." Hmm, sadly, the evidence there, his wife see's it and she'll believe him. He'll turn this all against you, that you are the crazy one, not him. She'll believe him because you keep contacting him after he tells you to leave him alone. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

Get to that therapist fast because he/she is the one who can help change your ways of thinking and handling this. We can only provide a tiny portion of helping, a trained counsellor WILL get you to a better and healthier frame of mind.

 

You envying his wife? Why? He's a big steaming piece of poo! He's a liar, a cheater, a sick f*ck in the head, YOU KNOW THIS due to the type of lies he's thrown your way. Don't know why you'd still want a man like that.

 

I know how i SHOULD feel - but I dont. its the best I can explain it. Perhaps it really is all just too recent, and too painful just now. And OW = you are right - I have gone further down the path of feeling worthless - its like I need him to tell me he is thinking of me, misses me, etc, when I should know I am a worthwhile person with out him.

 

He isn't thinking of you, he isn't missing you and even if he is, he'll NEVER tell you this because he knows you're inlove with him and ANY positive reaction he gives you will only lead you on. He's said sorry to you, appologized before and you didn't feel like you got any closure.

 

You are a worthwhile person, you know that, so believe that!

 

I dont. I feel worthless. I feel unnatractive. I feel ugly. I feel a zillion miles away from the beautiful, desired and sexy confident woman I was when I was with him. I dont know how to get that from within. Our opinions of ourselves are fragile, and they are influenced by the opinions fo others. Spread enough **** and some of it starts to stick.

 

You're allowing this guy to ruin you as a person, as a confident, sexy and beautiful woman. DO NOT GIVE THAT PIECE OF POO that power! Stop it, k. Please!

 

I so appreciate all your replies. i hoped to be doing better by now, but i'm not. I hope counselling can help.

 

Counselling WILL help, I promise you that. If you want to get past this, then work hard to make that happen. What you put into therapy is what you get out of it.

 

Hugs.

[imstunned]

HE DOESN'T CARE.

You tell him "I miss you." His reaction is, "Please leave me alone." He is NOT going to tell you "I miss you too!" He completely ignored your "I miss you". He asked you to leave him alone.

 

He isn't thinking of you, he isn't missing you and even if he is, he'll NEVER tell you this because he knows you're inlove with him and ANY positive reaction he gives you will only lead you on. He's said sorry to you, appologized before and you didn't feel like you got any closure.

 

Which way - I know your words are true. But I dont think posting here is helping me. Reading that was too painful. I just dont understand what the hell i ever did to deserve this. Its just totally screwing me up.

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry that my words hurt you, maybe in afew weeks come back and read what I've said, hopefully by then it will make more sense and it won't hurt as much. Hopefully it'll piss you off, wake you up and make you see things in a healthier way.

 

Again, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

 

You didn't do anything wrong to deserve this, just some bad luck (man) came into your life.

Unfortunately we all have shi.tty stuff happen to us without asking for it. LB has breast cancer, she did NOTHING wrong. Some suffer abuse, they don't deserve it, some get raped, they don't deserve it. So, please, asking that question only does damage to you and makes you feel worse, it's not self serving at all.

 

Take a break from LS, talk to the therapist and surround yourself around those IN your life that care about you. Your child, your family, your closest friends.

[imstunned]

I dont really have any close friends. I told several people that he was married when I found out. I think to this date not one of them has called me to see how I'm doing.

[whichwayisup]

Well, that's pretty crappy of your friends to do to you!

What about a sister, a cousin or your mom/dad?

[imstunned]

Really, there is nobody. Any one I could talk to about it is sick to death of hearing/talking about it.

 

I just wish to god with all my heart that this pain would stop. I find it so agonising that he has shown no regard whatsoever for my feelings. That he dosent care one little bit about me. I was stupid to contact him.

 

Its like he is a stuck record. Please please dont do this, blah blah bloody blah. I'm begging you, please dont do this. on and on

[child_of_isis]

He is afraid that you are going to bust him out.

 

Which means wifey doesn't know everything.

 

 

Its like he is a stuck record. Please please dont do this, blah blah bloody blah. I'm begging you, please dont do this. on and on

[imstunned]

I doubt she knows much at all.

 

But i never gave him any indication of me busting him, and its still all he says, please dont do this, please dont make it any harder than it already is, I'm beggin you please please dont do this.

 

I just feel so lost.

[marlena]

But i never gave him any indication of me busting him

 

 

Yes, Stun, you did. You told him that you knew his address! That was enough!

 

Sorry. I know the truth hurts. And it will continue to do so if you keep contacting this person.