Sexy vs. Slutty.... Trouble in Paradise

[guest]

Hello. I'm a 32 year old female remarried almost three years (June 20th). My husband has two boys from his previous marriage ages 11 and 12 and I have two girls from my previous marriage ages 6 and 10. We have a 7 month old daughter together.

 

We get along in all aspects of our life except for one area. For all of our marriage we have argued because my husband likes and wants "adult" fun. I don't mind doing anything for him at home, but my husband likes to make things "public" at times. His biggest request from me is for me to dress "showy". I like to dress pretty and sexy when the kids aren't around. I like low neck lines, fitted clothes, tight jeans, etc., but I don't like to dress "trashy". My husband thinks I dress "cute" but not "sexy" or appealing to him. He says that I need to dress to turn him on. An example of this type of dressing would be a low plunging top or tight thin top with no bra and shorts or short skirt. Not only does he want me to dress this way, he wants me to be into it with my attitude. In otherwords, he doesn't want me to be self-concious or worry about who's looking at me or around. He said that all that matters to him is that he can see me and he likes the fact that other people might look and catch a glimpse as well.

 

He also says that he does things I like like greet me at the door, take off my socks and shoes at the end of the day, massages, and all the romantic stuff on a regular basis; therefore, I should reciprocate and be the person he wants me to be.

 

I have dressed like this for him on occassion, but I'm never comfortable and I always feel "slutty" and nervous. I have told him this of course and here we are today, still arguing over it all. I don't want to end this marriage too as I love him more than anything and I don't want to put my kids through another divorce. What I want to know from men and women...... is it wrong to dress the way my husband wants whether it be around my kids or not? I'd also like to know what people think when they see someone dress like that because I always think the person is "slutty".

 

Thank you.

[Tony T]

I don't think dressing like this around young children is proper or acceptable. This type of dress in public anywhere makes a statement and should only be worn to venues where you want to make that type of statement.

 

A married woman should dress sexy for her husband to a point but the things you describe go a bit too far for anything outside the home when the kids are overnighting at their friends.

 

You should NEVER dress in anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, slutty or nervous or that may embarass you around others. Your husband is being very cruel to ask you to do that. And you should NEVER dress in such a manner that you would feel inappropriate around the children.

 

Frankly, I don't understand why your husband would want you to dress this way in public. What is his reason? Doesn't he understand how many people will view this? What kinds of friends does he have and what kinds of circles does he travel in. If they like this sort of dress, you should have known that long before you married him, it would seem.

 

If your husband doesn't understand this, he's a real dork, ignorant, inconsiderate and a selfish bxstard to boot. Explain to him just one more time in vivid detail why you can only accomodate his desire for your dress at certain times and in certain places. Then just let it go and hold your ground.

 

If he tells you this is a requirement of being married, perhaps you can compromise by hiring a slut to come in twice a week and dress that way for him. If that doesn't work, then you just may have to consider sending him cruising.

 

One of you has to be responsible for the proper raising of your children. I don't consider it being too conservative or prudish to refuse to dress in sexually seductive attire around your children and your friends. Your husband is being just plain unreasonable. I'm very sorry you didn't see this side of him before you married him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

There is definitely a difference between dressing "sexy" vs. "slutty." Nothing wrong with the latter so long as it stays in the bedroom, but sex games should NOT be played out in front of the children.

 

Your husband needs to excerise some sensor concerning his sexual "fetishes." The idea of "pimping" you around in public dressed like a ho just to get attention from other men is particularly troubling. It shows a lack of respect towards YOU.

 

How would he feel if one of your girls decided to follow Mommy's example and dress like that for school?? Perhaps you should bring that to his attention.

[Just A Girl2]

Did your husband have these 'requests' before you married him, or is this something new?

 

I think he's completely out of line, selfish and disrespecting you in a big way. Sounds like he's sort of blackmailing/guilting you, too...this crap about how he greets you at the door when you come home, gives you massages....so in other words, everything with him is tit-for-tat (pardon the pun) and he's not about doing things for you freely, he's about doing things for you for what HE WILL GET IN RETURN (what you "owe" him).

 

I'd have to seriously ask what kind of husband would be pushing his wife to dress trashy in public. Sounds like he's got some kind of kink or fetish with seeing other men physically attracted to you. I'm guessing it makes him feel good to see how other men react to how you look, likely making him feel all proud as a peacock that "he has you and they don't." He sounds really immature and clueless about relationships/marriage/compromise and respecting one's partner's "comfort zone."

 

Don't ever compromise your comfort level or values for anyone, including your husband. If marriage to him is primarily about you titillating him with your attire (again, pardon the pun), then he's pretty much out to lunch on what marriage is about.

 

Is he into porn? (online or magazines/videos) Does he spend time out watching strippers a lot?

 

There's really no point in arguing with him....just put your foot down and stick with it. You are not a piece of property to be put on display for him or other men. You are not his trophy. Being his wife isn't synonymous with you changing who you are and how you dress to suit him. He sounds like a controlling, manipulative f*ckwit. My heart goes out to you.

[guest]

Thank you for your replies. First, my husband has no friends. He didn't have any when we met and especially now as he is home per doctor's orders recovering from vehicle accident injuries.

 

He doesn't ask that I dress like this around all of our children and he understands that I want to be a role model for our children..... especially my girls. However, he doesn't see a problem with me dressing that way out and about in front of our daughter and he is of the mind set that if I don't make a big deal out of it, then she wont find a problem with it. He also says that we should just tell her that when she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants but until then, she is going to do what we say. Hypocritical if you ask me, but he says we are the adults here.

 

Yes, I should have seen this before we married and I guess in many ways, I did see it. I just "ignored" it and played along when we were dating. My fault I know. That's why he feels that I lead him on to believe I was the type of person he was looking for. His previous wife was much more sexual than me in the fact that she didn't mind showing off for anyone and she was extremely open-minded.

 

The reason I wont give up is because other than when this major issue comes up and explodes, we get along great and my husband treats me wonderfully. He doesn't drink or smoke. He just wants more fun than "in-house" fun as he puts it.

 

Thanks for your kind words of advise. I will keep them in mind.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "First, my husband has no friends."

 

Could that be because he required them to dress in ways that made them uncomfortable in order to remain his friend???

[Just A Girl2]

The reason I wont give up is because other than when this major issue comes up and explodes, we get along great and my husband treats me wonderfully. He doesn't drink or smoke. He just wants more fun than "in-house" fun as he puts it.

 

Hun, if *this* is a major issue in your marriage, this issue of him wanting you to dress like the town whore, in and out of the house, I'd say it's perhaps more of an issue than you think.

 

You say other than this, he treats you wonderfully. Okay, so let me get this straight.....he's making you feel insecure (why else would you mention that his ex wife was more sexually open?), he's making you feel that the way you are now is "not good enough for him", he wants you to show off your body to other men in public (don't you see how rude that is?) and he figures that because he takes your friggin socks off that you somehow owe him? That doesn't sound all that wonderful to me.

 

He doesn't drink or smoke, okay....fine....but personally, I'd rather have a guy who drank or smoked than one who was making me feel inadequate for the way I dress/what I'm comfortable with.

 

By the way, how do you KNOW his ex wife was more sexually open and outgoing? Do you know her personally or something? Or did he just happen to conveniently let you know this juicy tidbit of info? (thereby telling you as a way of manipulating you into conforming to his f*cked up wishes, because gee, of course the new wife is doesn't want to feel like she's less of a person than the ex)

 

I'm not sure you realize how "bent" his way of thinking is....or the demands he's putting on you, whether directly or indirectly. You're NOT his personal WHORE. You are his wife, yes, but you were not put onto this earth strictly for his visual pleasure (and to provide pleasure for men out there in public).......if he wanted that, he should have married a prostitute or a stripper.

 

Does he ever make comments about your weight or body? (negative ones)

 

Does he ever ask you to change your hairstyle or the way you wear your makeup? (assuming you wear makeup)

 

I hope he focuses the same amount of energy on guilting you into dressing like a whore, as he does in being a good role model for his 5 children and teaching them respect, compassion, morals and self esteem.

 

I'd be curious to know why his previous marriage ended. Do you happen to know?

 

Also, he has no friends. What's up with that? That doesn't sound very 'normal' to me.

 

How long did you know him before you married him?

[Reckless]

Doncha just love JAG's comments - come on girl, don't hold back, tell the woman what you think

 

I'd just like to add my encouragement to stick to your guns on this one. You have to teach your children (girls and boys) about self respect and personal dignity. You don't do that by parading their mothers body before all against her wishes and telling them to dress in a decent dignified manner until they grow up. Attitudes and impressions absorbed very easily by children and your father not respecting your mother is one of the most damaging out there.

 

Like JAG I'm interested in the 'signs' you ignored before your marriage but I feel it is more important to clearly communicate in a calm and logical manner that you are NEVER going to do what he asks but might be willing to compromise a little behind closed doors in the privacy of your own bedroom for his viewing pleasure, not as a trade of for getting your feet rubbed (cheap, cheap below the belt move) but because you love him and as long as you feel comfortable, attractive and cherished are willing to show it.