Gotta get this off my chest!

[steffany]

My bf and I have been friends for 1.5 years and have been dating exclusivley for the past 10 months. We have had some ups and downs like most relationships do. But we absolutley adore one another.

 

Thing is we moved in together and I recently got on the patch. This has caused some sexual side effects that include a very difficult time climaxing.

 

The last two weeks have been great! He keeps telling me how much he loves making love to me and how irresitable I am to him. I have been aware of my problem in the bedroom but until this morning after talking with my doc I wasn't sure why.

 

My bf felt I just need to loosen up more and relax and just enjoy it. But besides the patch issue I was raised in a family that always told me sex was shameful and wrong. I was a very sexual individual from the time I was a lil girl. This scared my family and they made sure I got it in my head that sex was dirty.

 

Besides that I have four older brothers, And you can imagine how they always told me to watch out for guys and such. I have always had extreme walls up around me and sex. And with my past horrible relationship with my first at the age of 22 I have been worse than usual.

 

I really love my bf and was thinking things were great. But last night we went out to eat for a friends birthday and my bf kept playing footsy and such with me under the table. And little by little getting a bit more risky.

 

I kept blushing and giggling and being playful. When everyone got up to dance...at night it turns into a lil club. He told me I needed to loosen up and let go. He said I need to be more open with him sexually. He said the rest of our relationship was great.

 

I felt really hurt by his comment. I thought for a moment about what he said and when I did I became so angry that he told me this after telling how much he loves making love to me.

 

So I told him that why should I have to change. That he should be happy with the person I am. And I wasn't sure I could change. I have been very aware of my issues and have been trying very hard to loosen up in bed. But it has been difficult. I have strong walls.

 

I then told him that maybe I should move out and we should stop seeing eachother. I know it was a rash disicion but I felt so hurt by his comment. It was like he ripped my heart out with those few words.

 

When I told him that he became so mad that I could just walk away from us without trying to work things out. When that wasn't really how I meant it. I just thought that he loved me the way I was. And that if I worked through my issues than that would be great but if I couldn't over come them than he was still happy to be with me.

 

I felt like in a way he was telling me he didn't love me the way I was but if I could only change this then he would love me. I know I fabricated a lot of that in my head. But it was like a defense mechanisim that just kicked in on its own that made me want to run away. I was scared of opening up and getting hurt.

 

Now that I rethink it all I see I was being hasty and rash. Or was I?

[Leikela]

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I think your decision was a little rash. If you think about it this way, your boyfriend was being open and honest with you about your relationship. It is great that he is so communicative like that.

 

You reacted the way you did because of your issues at hand. Most of it was fabricated in your own head. This is something you need to work out for yourself. Keep the lines of communication open and tell your boyfriend how you perceived his comments and why you reacted the way you did. Being open in return is key here so he at least has an inkling of why you behaved the way you did.

 

If you don't let him in, he may hesitate in the future to be so open with you in fear that you will shut down and "give up" on the relationship. Don't lose that healthy report with him. That is key to a lasting, healthy relationship.

 

I would suggest you talk with him and discuss your fears and your hurts. I don't think him telling you how he feels about your relationship is grounds for you guys to separate. Nip this in the bud before it's too late and talk to him. If he truly loves you, he'll understand your aspect of things and work towards making things better. Good luck!

 

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[yes]

well, obviously, telling you to loosen up didn't loosen you up at all!

 

i agree with leikela that if you explain your side of it to him, and he's OK with gradual changes, then there's no problem, right?

 

btw while it's new, some wine can really help loosen up

 

good luck,

-yes

 

PS we're all brainwashed by the christian standards, and it makes being loose in that field pretty hard, for many people ... but if the guy makes it a gradual enough change, there's no problem, especially if the r/s is otherwise fine!

[steffany]

I just got off the phone with him and he laughed and said it is alright. That he should know better than to be critical when I have been drinking seeing to how I am already a "very frisky tomboy".

 

We talked and I let him know that I like how open our line of communication is and I don't want that to stop. And that I have been trying to over come some of my issues as he is too. We have already talked about this before.

 

And he agreed that he doesn't want to damper our relationship and neither do I. So he is going to cook me dinner since he has the day off and we are going to talk tonight. So we can make some adjustments that will make things better for both of us.

 

I feel so much happier now that I have talked to him. He always brightens my day. I simply adore him.

 

And as for help with my lil problem in the bedroom I am going to make an appointment for this week to get on different birth control. Maybe then I can kick these 8lbs I've gained and my lack of the big 'O' or little 'o' for that matter.