what do i do??

[illrunaway]

ok my name is Ashley. i am having a lot of issues with my boyfriend right now. I am only 18 (yeah yeah, young i got it) but ive been with him when no one else has and ive been with him for 5 years. i am in love, i have been for a few years now and he is too i am sure of it. we have had wonderful times together and i just love how we can sit and just talk to each other for hours. the problem is that we are 18. 18 means college, 18 means futures are actually getting closer. he has never really been good at school and its all sort of catching up to him now. it seemed to be okay though because i wanted to be a teacher and he could be "my first student" so to speak. he didnt like it so much. he put off homework and didnt ever study, so i tried ALL sorts of ways to motivate him. i used anger, i used the "ruining my future" crap, i used the "u need money" and i used sex. nothing helped. so id nag him and he HATED it.

he said i was trying to control his life and i do know that he was right. he broke up with me. i was devastated. we've been on and off since then and the offs are always for the same reason. he needs his independence. but i am just so scared that he is going to ruin his future by doing crappy in college. i am so worried about him.

we are off again. but this time it is mostly my choice. he asked me back out and i said not until he figures out what he wants in life and wants in a relationship. the problem is going to be how do i play hard to get, but still be there for support? and does he NEED to hit rock bottom to learn what he has going on in his life?

[Ocean-Blue]

ok my name is Ashley. i am having a lot of issues with my boyfriend right now. I am only 18 (yeah yeah, young i got it) but ive been with him when no one else has and ive been with him for 5 years. i am in love, i have been for a few years now and he is too i am sure of it. we have had wonderful times together and i just love how we can sit and just talk to each other for hours. the problem is that we are 18. 18 means college, 18 means futures are actually getting closer. he has never really been good at school and its all sort of catching up to him now. it seemed to be okay though because i wanted to be a teacher and he could be "my first student" so to speak. he didnt like it so much. he put off homework and didnt ever study, so i tried ALL sorts of ways to motivate him. i used anger, i used the "ruining my future" crap, i used the "u need money" and i used sex. nothing helped. so id nag him and he HATED it.

he said i was trying to control his life and i do know that he was right. he broke up with me. i was devastated. we've been on and off since then and the offs are always for the same reason. he needs his independence. but i am just so scared that he is going to ruin his future by doing crappy in college. i am so worried about him.

we are off again. but this time it is mostly my choice. he asked me back out and i said not until he figures out what he wants in life and wants in a relationship. the problem is going to be how do i play hard to get, but still be there for support? and does he NEED to hit rock bottom to learn what he has going on in his life?

 

He won't change until he wants to change. You can use every tactic under the sun (short of torture) and he won't get it. He needs to come to whatever realization himself.

 

Keep in mind that at your age, you are bound to change and grow. You may change your mind about how you feel once you attend college, meet like minded people, etc.

[illrunaway]

He won't change until he wants to change. You can use every tactic under the sun (short of torture) and he won't get it. He needs to come to whatever realization himself.

 

Keep in mind that at your age, you are bound to change and grow. You may change your mind about how you feel once you attend college, meet like minded people, etc.

 

yeah first of all i am in college and second of all i know that i cant make him change its just that if i let him fall that might do it. ive been trying so long to keep helping him but its not doing anything and he doesnt know what he wants. some days he wants nothing more than to be with me, other days nothing less. i just wish this all had some solution. but im not seeing any.

[Fun2BMe]

I think you need to be with someone who inspires YOU to be better, to reach higher goals and if you offer anything of value, they will appreciate it and at the least consider taking it.

 

So far your bf is draining you, taking away all of your energy when he is not going to use it to be productive. It will only lower you. You can't change people which is something you don't know yet at your age. Despite all the efforts you put in, he is not all of a sudden going to be the studious, responsible person you are seeking in your life.

 

What can you do 'to get him?' Move on. Find someone who fits the description of a school and goal oriented person. He will either realize that's what he needs to become and change, or he won't and you can move on. You can't waste your time and life on someone who has different values and priorities and is not going to be of benefit to you in the long run, as hard as it is especially since you have feelings for him. The sooner you move on to see if he will change, the better for you.

[Ocean-Blue]

I think you need to be with someone who inspires YOU to be better, to reach higher goals and if you offer anything of value, they will appreciate it and at the least consider taking it.

 

So far your bf is draining you, taking away all of your energy when he is not going to use it to be productive. It will only lower you. You can't change people which is something you don't know yet at your age. Despite all the efforts you put in, he is not all of a sudden going to be the studious, responsible person you are seeking in your life.

 

What can you do 'to get him?' Move on. Find someone who fits the description of a school and goal oriented person. He will either realize that's what he needs to become and change, or he won't and you can move on. You can't waste your time and life on someone who has different values and priorities and is not going to be of benefit to you in the long run, as hard as it is especially since you have feelings for him. The sooner you move on to see if he will change, the better for you.

 

I agree (especially considering the OP's age).

[illrunaway]

i really do get what you guys are saying but dont u think i can play hard to get in another way then completely trying to find someone new? i mean... it has been 5 years, its not that easy to just find someone new after that. i just... i feel like if i leave its over over and if its over over, i may have missed my chance. i really dont want to do that.

[Ocean-Blue]

i really do get what you guys are saying but dont u think i can play hard to get in another way then completely trying to find someone new? i mean... it has been 5 years, its not that easy to just find someone new after that. i just... i feel like if i leave its over over and if its over over, i may have missed my chance. i really dont want to do that.

 

What you say is an experience that is common. The I-don't-want-to-leave-because-I'm-too-comfortable syndrome. Don't stick around with this guy because you've been with him for x years or because you fear the unknown.

 

If you want to stay with him, do so because you want to be with HIM, not because of the benefits of being in an LTR.

[Cobra_X30]

i really do get what you guys are saying but dont u think i can play hard to get in another way then completely trying to find someone new? i mean... it has been 5 years, its not that easy to just find someone new after that. i just... i feel like if i leave its over over and if its over over, i may have missed my chance. i really dont want to do that.

 

No, Ive seen guys grow and mature rapidly during college.

 

Just because he is not an A student does not mean he has no future!

 

This is a good lesson to learn for the future. No man will ever be exactly as you want. If you accept him as he is, then you both have your independance. Can you not love him if he is not sucessful? Does it really boil down to money?

 

Watch, when you stop pushing him... it will take some time for him to begin pushing himself... and he may not be good at it for a long time... but it will happen! We learn how to take responsibility slowly!

 

So, were our places switched, I would learn to accept him as is. If you require a man of means... then by all accounts, begin your search for someone new!

[thelegend]

I'm sure he appreciates your care for him but he has to want that for himself. If you truly care for him you must understand that if he stumbles and falls its not because you didn't want him to it's because some guys must fall completely before we realize what you've been trying to tell him. Just support him for now and be patient. You can't impose your will on anyone you only control you.

[illrunaway]

No, Ive seen guys grow and mature rapidly during college.

 

Just because he is not an A student does not mean he has no future!

 

This is a good lesson to learn for the future. No man will ever be exactly as you want. If you accept him as he is, then you both have your independance. Can you not love him if he is not sucessful? Does it really boil down to money?

 

Watch, when you stop pushing him... it will take some time for him to begin pushing himself... and he may not be good at it for a long time... but it will happen! We learn how to take responsibility slowly!

 

So, were our places switched, I would learn to accept him as is. If you require a man of means... then by all accounts, begin your search for someone new!

 

i dont care about money at all. i just want his life to work out. thats the problem. i had to babysit him to do things and i just cant do that anymore and watching him fail for it? its breaking me up inside. i just wish i knew his life would turn out ok and i wish that he would realize what he wants and what he needs

[illrunaway]

I'm sure he appreciates your care for him but he has to want that for himself. If you truly care for him you must understand that if he stumbles and falls its not because you didn't want him to it's because some guys must fall completely before we realize what you've been trying to tell him. Just support him for now and be patient. You can't impose your will on anyone you only control you.

 

yeah... i know that its just super hard to do. its so hard to watch him fail when, if he let me, i could help him pass. i just wish hed get his act together now, so that i didnt have to worry about him so much. its really stressing me out.

[PLAYBRAT]

LilRunaway... what you are doing is beating a dead horse. It sounds as if your issue is REALLY about not having control over the situation. Just because YOU are motivated and goal oriented...does not mean HE has to be. I know it is frustrating to watch him stumble down this path...but that is HIS cross to bear.

 

I am sure your b/f KNOWS he is not motivated and you nagging him about it only serves to remind him what a failure he's going to end up being. THAT'S not very supportive. Seriously....you are YOUNG. You have been with this guy five years. Life is too short to be so serious. Right now let him go....and you focus on you. You can STILL be supportive of your b/f....simply by letting him make his OWN mistakes, without berating him for it. It is an ironic thing but chances are the more you let go...and give him freedom...the more he WILL love you for it.

[illrunaway]

LilRunaway... what you are doing is beating a dead horse. It sounds as if your issue is REALLY about not having control over the situation. Just because YOU are motivated and goal oriented...does not mean HE has to be. I know it is frustrating to watch him stumble down this path...but that is HIS cross to bear.

 

I am sure your b/f KNOWS he is not motivated and you nagging him about it only serves to remind him what a failure he's going to end up being. THAT'S not very supportive. Seriously....you are YOUNG. You have been with this guy five years. Life is too short to be so serious. Right now let him go....and you focus on you. You can STILL be supportive of your b/f....simply by letting him make his OWN mistakes, without berating him for it. It is an ironic thing but chances are the more you let go...and give him freedom...the more he WILL love you for it.

 

why would i let him go if it would make him love me more? that seems so contradictory. do u mean just stop nagging him, or do u mean actually let him go?