How do I stop thinking about the hurt he has caused me?

[daisywindmill]

Hi again everyone. As some of you will know, I discovered that my b/f had been in contact with another woman via the net and text messages last year for a couple of months. It all ended abruptly.

 

He was also showing a profile on a couple of dating agencies.

 

I decided to take the bull by the horns and confront him about it all as it was eating away at me and I knew I could not continue with the relationship feeling that way.

 

He told me that when he began the correspondence with this woman and joined the dating sites, it was 6 months into our relationship and he did not know how he felt about me, or how I felt about him. I won't go into all the whys and wherefores, but basically he said he fell in love with me and then realised he did not want anyone else.

 

We talked long and hard and I want to give him another chance as he is very important to me and some of what he said was true with regard to how our relationship was at that time. Since Christmas we have become very very close and spend as much time together as possible and now plan our future together.

 

He treats me wonderfully and appears full of remorse over what happened.

 

I am happy to continue with him and make a go of it. Everyone makes mistakes at some time in their lives and I'm prepared to stick by him and take a chance at grabbing happiness.

 

However, how do I deal with the pain this discovery has caused me, and the sadness? I feel as if I have a lead weight in my stomach. I keep thinking back to he and her chatting to one another, basically the betrayal, and it is so hard to let go of that, although I am trying.

 

Will it go with time? At the moment it feels like the relationship has been tarnished. I want it to feel like it did before. I have also made a pact with myself to not keep bringing the subject up with him as I don't believe that is fair. But when will it finally leave my head?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I watched a program last night that specifically addressed this issue. In this new age of technology and “virtual sex” it seems MANY people are divorcing due to what is now legally defined as: Internet Infidelity.

 

In the beginning, because this phenomenon was so new, the court system had a difficult time defining the lines between “physical” affairs and “virtual” ones. It seems now that our legal system has finally caught up and has made “Internet Infidelity” plausible grounds for divorce.

 

…Go figure?

[jessicakicksbut]

You need to communicate your feelings to him and let him know that you are totally not over the hurt. Be honest with him, but do not dwell on the subject with him also. Give yourself time to heal. You need time to built up your trust to him once again. In all honesty, the whole situation of your doesn't sit right with me, were you both only in the "dating" stages of the relationship when you discovered he was conversing with another woman over the internet last fall?

[LondonChick]

The fact that he could lead such a double life should be ringing alarm bells. He wasnt sure how you felt about him? Why didnt he just ask?

 

You say that you want a chance to grab happiness, you dont sound very happy at the moment.

 

It seems like you want to build a future with this guy, so what you both need to do is talk. It is all well and good him being extra nice and remorseful, but can you put your hand on your heart and say that you trust him?

 

Anyway to answer your question, no the relationship will never be the same. As far as I am concerned,what he did wasnt minor, it was disrespectful and underhanded. And it is going to take a long time to get rid of the hurt.

[midori]

I agree with Londonchick and JKB: slightly weird. Was this a passive-aggressive thing on his part? An avoidance thing -- not wanting to be fully engaged with you lest he become too vulnerable?

 

I'm just guessing, but I wonder if you're not able to get over your hurt because you don't at heart believe that the issue has been addressed. He has "come clean" perhaps in name only. The whole thing about Internet Infidelity (interesting term) or having an emotional affair with someone is that one isn't "technically" cheating, but in spirit and in fact one absolutely is.

 

If a person is chanelling parts of himself or herself into other relationships, instead of being wholly open to their partner, something isn't right. Perhaps he's stopped the online chatting with other women, but perhaps you're still sensing that he's not opening up to you fully.

 

It's hard for people, perhaps women in particular, to trust their intuition when their partner is able to rationalize behavior that doesn't seem right. I once dated someone who would not open up fully to me. I was uneasy about his numerous friendships with other women. I didn't nag him about it but on the few occasions when I did bring it up he insisted they were innocent. And I believed him, and they probably were innocent in the "technical" sense. But he withheld a lot of himself from me, and I was unhappy about it. It wasn't until after we broke up that I realized how it wasn't the friendships per se that were the problem, it was the way he used them as a means of avoiding me.

 

I guess I'm wondering if you're less hurt about the incident itself then you are still uncertain of his commitment and ability to connect fully to you. I think if you were truly sure of him this wouldn't still be hurting.

[Tony T]

midori WRITES: "It wasn't until after we broke up that I realized how it wasn't the friendships per se that were the problem, it was the way he used them as a means of avoiding me."

 

The above quoted statement is very profound and perhaps begins to tap the root of why many people, men and women, have or seek opposite sex buddies while they are in relationships. The avoidance thing...wow...I hadn't considered that...but an incredible possibility in a lot of cases.

[daisywindmill]

Folks, thank you for taking time out to reply to my message. It's kind of you and gave me much to think about.

 

In all honesty, I don't know what I feel at the moment. I hurt one minute, I feel happy and positive about things the next. He confuses me totally. He is so loving toward me, he always has been, especially since Christmas. He goes out of his way to do things for me, he is kind and generous. I trusted him totally until recently. Now I don't know what to think. He swears he loves me, I am his soulmate, we will live together one day, he is even planning for that.

 

Going back to last autumn, we had been seeing each other for six months. As it's a LDR we were only with each other maybe once every two or three weeks. We had daily contact but not as much as we do now. We had days out together, went camping, cooked candlelight meals, so really it was still the dating and getting to know you process. I loved him at that time, but was not sure if he returned those feelings, although I did know he cared alot (he did not say he loved me until Christmas)

 

So he tells me now that he wasn't sure of me at that time and he did not know if I was the one, he was still looking for the one, hence his reason for contact with the other woman. And the dating sites. He was still searching. He said I was not as affectionate toward him as he was to me (this is partly true, but I cannot say I was ever that unaffectionate either) ... I agree. He should have told me then how he felt but then I had an other idea which I put to him yesterday .......

 

What if he made do with me because it suited him, until someone else better came along .......... he said he fell in love with me and realised he did not need anyone else.

 

He has gone out of his way to be good to me, he does so much, he has booked a holiday for us in August. If this is a man that has just fed me a bunch of lies and will continue to do so, maybe still looking for someone else, why behave as he does?

 

And yes I'm hurt and angry that he was communicating with a woman behind my back when we were dating one another, but he said that's history now and what matters is the present and our future.

 

And another thought; he lied to this woman rather alot in his emails, but I do know, 100% that he never lied to me when we first met. Why is that do you think?

 

Perhaps he does not see it as infidelity, but I do. I did ask him, that if he intended to start a relationship with someone, how could he when it was based on so many lies. He said he didn't know and could not answer that. Strange however that he never lied to me about anything when we were in the early days of the relationship. That really does puzzle me.

 

I do want to make a go of it guys. I really feel that I can trust him again eventually because I believe in him. And I'm not going to go looking for evidence of any kind. I have to take a chance. But how I wish it made sense. That's the million dollar question. He sounded so plausible, but left alone with my thoughts, I begin to wonder again.

[midori]

Originally posted by Tony

the root of why many people, men and women, have or seek opposite sex buddies while they are in relationships. The avoidance thing...wow...I hadn't considered that...but an incredible possibility in a lot of cases.

 

Yeah, that's part of what I was getting at with the other thread about opposite sex friends. People need to ask themselves why they're spreading themselves thin over several different people (or maybe just 2 or 3) instead of being fully connected to just one person.

 

I do believe in having opposite sex friends who are only friends, and that people in relationships can and should have friends of both sexes. But a person who is interacting with their opposite sex friends too much is not interacting with their partner enough.

 

It's a question of priorities: your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse should trump any friend at any time. Friend wants to see a movie but partner prefers to stay in that evening, just the two of you? Sorry friend, maybe next time. Busy and don't have much time to chill and chat? Sorry friend, it might be a few weeks before I get back to you, because I need and want to devote what little spare time I do have to my partner. That's how it ought to be.

 

My ex used to use that excuse with me all the time -- he spent hours emailing and chatting with his long-distance female friends, having lunches with local female friends, etc. His job had to take up a lot of his time, he insisted on devoting some of his time to his friends ... and so I naturally ended up with not enough of his time or attention. I don't know if it was deliberate or even semi-deliberate. I think he was entirely accustomed to giving his friends priority and couldn't change.

 

In the case of my ex, I realized it was his ingrained m.o., because he can't allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable to any one person. It's an insurance plan: if things fall apart with his partner he a) won't be quite so devastated, and b) will have plenty of other sources of attention and concern. Also, by spreading himself thin he doesn't have to be very deep with anyone ... and he doesn't want to go too deep lest he unearth the things he's got buried. That's perhaps not true for all who devote too much of themselves to peripheral relationships instead of their primary attachment.

[Tony T]

midori WRITES: "It's an insurance plan: if things fall apart with his partner he a) won't be quite so devastated, and b) will have plenty of other sources of attention and concern."

 

WOW!!! This is getting good. Another profound thought provoker. Yes, involvement with opposite sex friends can certainly be an insurance plan, especially for someone who has abandonment or intimacy issues. It's sort of a never-ending cycle. The energy put into these "friends" takes away from the relationship, damaging it to ruin and therefore reinforcing the need for safety net buddies.

 

Having a group of opposite sex friends at hand (and having a number of them is essential because at any one time one or more could find relationships and suddenly be unavailable) eases the pain of a break-up. Also, having a number of these friends mitigates the occasional loss of some of them to relationships, moving or whatever.

 

While I do see perfectly how devotion to one or more opposite sex friends could detract from a primary relationship...sometimes in a serious way...I find it sad that it has to be that way. Even for someone who doesn't fear abandonment, it's a bit scarry to put all your emotional eggs in one basket and be completely into ONE person. But if you don't, you run the risk of losing that one person you really love. What a bitch!!! Well, I guess there is a balancing act that can be performed by those who are emotionally and intellectually equipped to find that certain place on the scale.

 

Gosh. If we just sat and analyzed all this stuff, would there be any relationships at all???

[daisywindmill]

An idea then; he did have a serious girlfriend two years ago but sadly he came home from work one day and found her with another man, literally!

 

So, what if he has these females as a back up? What if he really does love me as he says he does (I have to say that I really do believe he does. If you saw how he is with me then you would too. I'm not a silly school girl. I feel that love from him) but keeps them in a reserve, in case I hurt him too. Which I won't. But he doesn't know that for sure does he?

 

He seems to put a lot of effort into this relationship. Why bother if he was on the look out for something better?

 

I do know that some people cant cope with a break up, so need that insurance policy of someone else there, just in case. Does not explain why he told such lies to other women though. I really would like to know the answer to that, even he didn't know.

 

But if I can be with him with no insurance policy, take that risk, why can't he? Or is he just out for an ego boost from strange women, or just completely mad?

 

Answers on a postcard please!

[LondonChick]

We had daily contact but not as much as we do now. We had days out together, went camping, cooked candlelight meals, so really it was still the dating and getting to know you process. I loved him at that time, but was not sure if he returned those feelings, although I did know he cared alot (he did not say he loved me until Christmas)

 

So he tells me now that he wasn't sure of me at that time and he did not know if I was the one, he was still looking for the one, hence his reason for contact with the other woman. And the dating sites. He was still searching. He said I was not as affectionate toward him as he was to me (this is partly true, but I cannot say I was ever that unaffectionate either) ... I agree. He should have told me then how he felt but then I had an other idea which I put to him yesterday .......

 

How can he not be sure of how you felt? You obviously made time for him. Look, he is just making excuses and in a way placing some of the blame on you.

[LondonChick]

Does not explain why he told such lies to other women though. I really would like to know the answer to that, even he didn't know.

 

DONT buy it, we all know why we lie. What type of lies were they?

[midori]

Originally posted by daisywindmill

\

I do want to make a go of it guys. I really feel that I can trust him again eventually because I believe in him. And I'm not going to go looking for evidence of any kind. I have to take a chance. But how I wish it made sense. That's the million dollar question. He sounded so plausible, but left alone with my thoughts, I begin to wonder again.

 

As you can see from my little tangent about my relationship with that ex-boyfriend, I am primed to not accept a guy's rationalizations, especially when they don't really add up.

 

My guess (and it's only a guess): he was playing a little passive-aggressive game that he might have had no intention of following through with. He was upset that you weren't showing as much affection as he was, so he was going to go out and cultivate some relationships with other women. Just to "show" (himself) that he could, and to demonstrate (again to himself) that he wasn't too attached to you. He probably wasn't seriously intending it to go anywhere with the other women.

 

OK. But I think it raises some rather important issues. Such as, is that how he deals with hurt feelings -- acting out (surreptitiously) instead of talking to you? And what about his ability to self-analyze and see what's going on?

 

I don't know about you but I don't want a partner who's in fact more like an apprentice: someone who isn't fully responsible for his emotions and behaviors in the relationship, someone who requires guidance and wide margins of error. I mean, we all grow and learn, doing so WITH a partner is great. But if you have to constantly second-guess, be terribly forgiving and understanding... ugh. Take it from someone who was with a man she loved terribly and deeply and who really believed she could make it work despite his deep-rooted issues with intimacy: it's not worth it. If you're constantly living in anxiety and doubt, unable to relax in the relationship, unable to have complete faith in your partner ... it's not working and no amount of effort on your part is going to change that.

 

I'm not saying your situation is hopeless, but please don't assume that just because you WANT it to work that it CAN work. Listen to your doubts. Figure out where they're coming from. If you're not normally inclined to jealousy and paranoia, then they're probably coming from unresolved issues in the relationship. Don't ignore it, or allow his insufficient rationalizations to stand as answers.

[LondonChick]

I agree with midori. I too was in a relationship with a man who had issues. Trying to understand him was like knocking my head against a brick wall. It's frustrating and terribly painful.

 

I'm sorry, but in a relationship love isnt enough. You need honest, trust, you need to be with someone who can communicate. Just loving him and he doing nice things isnt enough. It doesnt take away the fact that he lied to the woman, and he especially lied to you. You say that he never lied to you when you first met but he did by withholding information.

[daisywindmill]

I've taken in all that has been said, thanks again folks for giving me your thoughts, but I'm still as confused as I was at the beginning. Argh!

 

It's a funny old situation with conflicting behaviour from him. He moves mountains for me and behaves beautifully toward me, but in the background is a man chatting to women online, telling then ridiculous lies (about his job, his life, fabricating it all, so that it's blatantly obvious that should he ever meet these women they would find out the truth, that's he is very ordinary and has lied about himself) ... again, why did he never lie to me about his job, etc?

 

I have evidence that he was on and off with various women, and looking back at the times he started it again, perhaps things were not as they should have been between us.

 

We are spending a full 7 days and 7 nights together next week so I am going to sit him down on the first night and we will talk and thrash this out once and for all. I'll tell him everything I know and ask why he did it. And, if he was not happy, why did he not tell me? Everything needs to come out now as I can't cope with it anymore.

 

I really want he and I to work but I know it won't unless he is honest with me and stops carrying on over the internet.

 

Perhaps he gets bored because I am not with him all the time, maybe once I move in (if I do now) it will stop.

 

But I do think he has problems emotionally. God, I never would have thought that of him a couple of weeks ago.

 

Like I said, it needs to be sorted but I wish I knew why he lied to them, not to me, about himself, and why he treats me like a queen and nearly cried when I told him it was over at the weekend.

 

By the way, we both have opposite friends, who are just that, friends and we know of them ... these other women were almost like a fantasy to him, must have been as he told them enough fairy tales.

[LondonChick]

Perhaps he gets bored because I am not with him all the time, maybe once I move in (if I do now) it will stop.

 

It happens that people in relationships are not together all the time. Why didnt he pass time doing other times? You keep on saying he has never lied to you, ok so I assume he told you about the other women and the dating profiles from the begining?

[daisywindmill]

Londonchick, I appreciate your feedback, thank you.

 

What I mean is ...... why make out he is some sort of Bruce Willis action hero to these women but with me he never did this?

 

We met online and he never told me any lies regarding his job or hobbies etc.

 

These ladies were being fed mostly bull, so what was the point in that as if he met them they would know he was just ordinary Joe Bloggs, as I did, but I happened to like the normal average man.

 

And for my sins I have grown to love him very much, hence the reason I am here trying to make some sense of it all and maybe hoping he and I can work it out.

 

I want to make sense of it all, thrash it out with him, then give him a last chance to do right by me.

 

That can happen can't it or am I trying to delude myself.

 

Perhaps I should go online and pretend to be superwoman

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's a funny old situation with conflicting behaviour from him. He moves mountains for me and behaves beautifully toward me, but in the background is a man chatting to women online, telling then ridiculous lies (about his job, his life, fabricating it all, so that it's blatantly obvious that should he ever meet these women they would find out the truth, that's he is very ordinary and has lied about himself) ... again, why did he never lie to me about his job, etc?

 

I have evidence that he was on and off with various women, and looking back at the times he started it again, perhaps things were not as they should have been between us.

 

Here's a few good articles, Daisy, that might help to address some of your questions...

 

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/7m4/7m4034.html

 

http://www.pris.ca/trcs/issue7.htm

[LondonChick]

how did you find out about the other women?

[daisywindmill]

I took a drive out in my car last night and phoned him as I could not stand all the thoughts in my head any longer.

 

I told him all I knew, every detail, which I should have done at the weekend.

 

He still maintained that last October he was unsure of me, hence emails with the other woman. I told him it was underhand and disrespectful and he should have been man enough to tell me the truth at the time. He agreed and said it was a foolish mistake and that he promises to be open with me always in the future.

 

He said as far as the dating agencies were concerned he had joined them long ago and had only replied to some emails out of curiosity (some of the women were foreign). He only saw it as chatting to women as potential friends, never as a lover, as he had me and wanted no one else. He did not see it as being unfaithful. I told him it was and he said he will never ever make that mistake again.

 

I told him that should he wish to have pen pals he should tell me and that by keeping it from me it looked terrible and that he had hurt me so badly and it would take time for me to get over this. I told him I do not fully understand why he did it.

 

He said he is scared that he will now lose the love of his life through his own stupidity.

 

I told him I do still love him but if he wants to keep me he will have to work hard at the relationship so that I can gain his trust again.

 

He agreed with this.

 

He is getting rid of his computer, and buying a new one, to start from scratch. He is also moving it to the front room, taking it out of the back room and putting it on full view.

 

He has cancelled all his dating site memberships and has promised, with all his heart, that he will never correspond with a woman in that way again.

 

I am going to give him a second chance, but he knows that if anything more happens then we are finished for good.

 

Thanks for all your postings guys. xx

[LondonChick]

Good luck! Wish you all the best in the future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[daisywindmill]

Thank you Londonchick. I get the feeling you don't think I'm doing the right thing?

 

And Enigma, thank you for those links. I've read some already and they have proved interesting and a big help.

[daisywindmill]

He said that last October he wasn't unsure of me, in fact the opposite, he had fallen for me in a big way and that it scared the life out of him as he did not want to be emotionally attached to a woman, at that time. He said he began emailing the other woman to try and put his attention on someone else, rather than me, so that he could detach himself. He said it did not work as he realised it was me he wanted.

 

I asked why start corresponding with a woman if you were actually trying to not become involved with another woman. His answer was that he could have used her to end it with me.

 

So what do you guys think to that? Make any sense?

[midori]

that makes total sense. I know a lot of guys who use that tactic. They're somewhat unaware of it at the time, they use all kinds of rationales to justify what they're doing.

 

Now that he's admitted what was really going on, you should expect that he will not do that kind of stuff anymore. No more women -- friends or otherwise -- to use as an escape hatch from getting too close to you. All of his interactions with other women should be undertaken with the clear understanding that his heart is fully engaged with you, and thus the boundaries between them will be clear and firm. If he can't do that then he still isn't ready to really be with you.

[daisywindmill]

Well folks, we spent a full week together and it was pretty fabulous.

 

I still had doubts in my mind and all these came flooding out one evening, it was a mixture of sadness and anger and fear I suppose.

 

We talked, and talked and talked. He apologised for all the hurt he caused me and even said he felt embarrased (can never remember how to spell that) at his behaviour. I told him that he had let me down and I was disappointed in him as I thought he was a decent bloke.

 

He said he is and will do all he can to prove it to me, and to prove that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

 

So, he gets a brand new computer, places it in the front room and enables it to be used by me too, when I go to stay.

 

He shut down all his profiles on dating sites and has signed up with a new isp, enabling him to have a new email address.

 

He has done just about everything he can so now it's up to me to trust him and I really believe I can.

 

We all make mistakes, for whatever reasons. I do know that I will think of what happened sometimes but I am determined not to let it rule my head and spoil all the good things we have going for us.

 

By the way, a warning to the guys. There is an email in circulation from a girl calling herself Laurie243. She pretends to have chatted intimately with the recipient and tells him what an interesting and nice guy he is and how she would like them to get to know eachother better. She also includes a link to either a dating site or an adult site. It's very convincing and had me fooled as I thought he was carrying on again (it was very recent, ie beginning of May). It turns out to be a con, trying to get the recipient to sign up to porn. I know for a fact it has nearly destroyed a marriage and it was nearly the last straw for me and my fella and what would have been really sad was the fact that I could have left him after seeing that, and he was innocent.

 

So, be careful where you surf as allsorts of nasties could appear and really screw things up for you xx