Horribly depressed

[Spinderella]

Carrot girl you can be a tiger in the jungle....

[carrotgirl]

Sorry, it's a quote from a song. No jungle where I am.

 

Being good to myself. Well, I'm planning on leaving early. I don't know what else I can do. I'm mostly in meetings with GD and the other execs all day today.

 

I don't know what to talk about.

[Jmina]

he he good idea spinderella.

 

glad to hear that carrotgirl.

always here if you need to talk.

 

carrotgirl, there is no time like the present, so here goes.

Somethings about carrotgirl.

 

you have a GREAT sense of humour! you have something that will help you through your life. the ability to ask for help. not everyone can do that. and it will serve you well. I remember when i first saw your posts and i was shy to post myself, well i admired what you had written and how you wrote it.

 

hang in there. stay strong. we need you! you need you.

 

x

[carrotgirl]

Break time and holding.

 

My shoulders are at my ears and my body feels like it just ran a marathon but holding. Thanks for the good thoughts and keep them coming please? I feel like they're helping me a lot.

 

Carrot

[MattyTee]

Sorry I wasn't much help yesterday Carrot. Sending positivity today

[carrotgirl]

Matty,

 

You were more help than you know.

 

How about I'm sorry for being a pill? I don't always like the things that are said to me but I always listen and consider.

 

And as of this moment the magic has me quietly sobbing tears of relief and exhaustion and emancipation and joy.

 

More to come when I catch my breath.

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

Sorry carrot, somehow I've managed to miss this thread for a few days. Once again, you remind me so much of myself, when I'd get back with my ex. And I'm not saying this to dissway you because I know you need to do what your heart tells you to do. All I want to say, is I'd really really like for you to guard your heart with your life right now. He's got it out and is batting it around like a cat with a catnip toy. You dont know if the cat will get bored of it, or rip it to shreds, or carry it around with it like it's his child.

 

I so can relate to your feelings. And Jminas post made me think about something. When I'd get back together with my ex, things would go back to "normal". Now, normal with him, was hardly what a good, normal, healthy relationship of any sort should be. He and I would email back and forth all day, lighthearted etc. Then, I'd not hear from him. Then, I'd spiral.

 

Why isn't he contacting me? Is it something I did? Is he confused again? Does he want me? Etc.

 

These questions would PLAGUE my mind. Over and over. I'd beat the CRAP out of myself, wondering.

 

And then, he'd contact me, and all of a sudden I'm OK again.

 

Here's the harm in this. We are hanging our hearts/happiness contingent on someone elses actions. We can't continue to do this, and expect to be in a healthy relationship. We both need to be in relationships that don't send us into a tailspin at the first minor blip, and well, our exes have trained us, like Pavlovian dogs, to react this way when we dont get the expected result.

 

I hate to be the naysayer here, and again, as I said in the beginning, I know you need to do what you need to do. I know. I've been there. I've done what I needed to do. I also always ended up hurt. I don't want that for you. Please, please, please guard your heart. Please Carrot. I know it's hard, when you love someone so much. My ex and I are over 5 months apart now and I still feel very raw to it all. It sucks. It does get better. But it definitely sucks for a long time.

 

Anyway, I'm here. Just thought I'd give some input, whether it be the popular vote, or not. Just know that I'm saying what I'm saying out of caring for you and your heart.

[carrotgirl]

This first update brought to you in honor of the one and only Ariawoman.

 

I hear you Aria. Thank you. I do know this comes from love. I know it's not where my head and heart are. I need to follow a different path but I always consider what you have to say before I head in the opposite direction! I love you too.

 

So there were at least two somethings GD was anxious about and uncomfortable about having to do with me. They weren't our mini holiday plan or necessarily our personal relationship and yet, were. They had him in a snit all right. And I understand it now.

 

Just after the last post this afternoon, GD and I took another meeting with a potential acquisition and there on their legal consulting team was..... my ex fiance. No sh*t. GD saw his name on the list and picked up on it. So he'd been hyper aware of that presence.

 

The other thing that I'm still reeling from was some news GD took a long time getting out. He'd been in and out of my office at least four times today plus we went out to lunch together and it wasn't until visit five that he came in and talked about the technology we'd looked at. Finally he said he had something to tell me and he thought I would think it was fun.

 

Something about the way he said this made me feel like it would be very NOT fun. He shut the door. He shut the door to my office! He took a deep breath. My stomach didn't lurch. Whatever it was, I was calm. He went and spoke to my boss last week. I knew that. He was just made an offer and he accepted it but evidently I was only told half of the story.

 

GD said he would only stay on if he could do developmental research for my team. He accepted his current position on an interim basis only until my company finds someone else. Then he will transition to work in Science with me but keep his status reporting to my boss. He said he only wants to work on my projects.

 

After my major gaffe with GD two weeks ago when he wanted to work with me, he kept going. GD is giving me love and the more this sinks in the more amazed I am by him. I don't know another man or woman like him. He was just offered his own team and instead he said he didn't want it. He wants to do work that is going to help me in my work and he said so.

 

And Aria? He was a jerk earlier, understandably, and you know what? It's okay for me to be upset by that. It's okay to be upset when people are jerks! But it's not okay to get sucked in and stay that way and that's why I asked for help to manage my negative reaction.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Seeking your cheer and positive energy yet again everyone. I'm so sorry to be this needy but there it is. I'm in need.

 

The one friend of GD's who is actively hateful to me and about me made a lunchtime appearance and had a private hour with GD. Every time GD and I have ever had a problem, and this includes the breakup, it has been directly attributable to this person and his hating ways.

 

This hate of his isn't limited to trying to manipulate GD. This poisonous man has spread very harmful (and false) rumors about me professionally. I know this for a fact and have confronted him before. I have done nothing to deserve this but as much as I've tried to be at least graciously neutral, he only hates me more, not less.

 

Whenever I see or hear that he's been near GD, I worry for my well being.

 

I did Jmina's resentment exercise twice since this afternoon and it helped but I'm failing when it comes to letting it go. I'm actually having physical pain in my back which I'm sure is because of this angst. I've never had that happen before and I'd really like to fix me ASAP.

 

Carrot

[Jmina]

Carrotgirl!

 

Don't apologise for coming here! Its great that you have come for help. Some will sit and wallow and not get anywhere. At least you have given yourself the chance to improve.

 

((((((HUG)))))))

 

 

*wipes your tear*

 

Letting go is the biggest problem that i had in my healing. I couldnt understand why i just couldnt let go! I mean, i knew i was okay without her, i knew i would find happiness again since i already was a lot happier, i wasnt angry with her or resentful, i was happy for her, i wasnt in contact and the positive list goes on. I was doing very well for myself and was always able to help myself except for that one thing.

 

i read about people letting go, i read that people would tell me to 'let go!'

lol but man if knew how i would have!

 

I worked out that i was holding onto everything about my ex and our breakup because i valued what i had learnt. So i wasnt only holding onto her deep inside i was holding onto what the breakup created me as. I changed the day she left and i recreated myself to be a walking breakup book with many positive things inside and also the sad painful feelings too. I felt that if i let go of the sad stuff that i might loose the stuff that i had gained too, because i got it from the breakup. but thats not true.

 

I then knew that i had to recreate myself AGAIN without her defining who i am, what i want or need, what i think about. without the breakup defining who i am, and without labeling myself as 'the girl who broke up with her soul mate but gained so much since'

 

 

 

The 'key' to let go is different for everyone. Which means you have to find the right key so you can free yourself. No one can tell you how to let go.

 

So once you have cried etc etc and feel that the chatter upstairs has lessoned and that you are able to direct yourself, i challanged you this

 

Find out what you are labeling yourself as

Find out what is defining you

this is nothing to do with your ex, because once you figure it out your ex the book with your past and ex inside will suddenly close.

 

once you have found out what your labeling yourself as, you can then figure out what the payoff is for setting those labels.

 

maybe when you feel sad your pay off is getting sympathy from others, maybe your payoff is just that you can stay in your own little saftey bubble and not have to be brave and break out and make some changes.

 

 

Now find out what is defining who you are. your mission is to find your authentic self.

 

if somebody asks who you are do you say? often the answer is not who you are but what you do

 

ex. "i am _____ and i work in telemarketing'

some people define themselves by their job. which is not their authentic self.

others might say 'hi i am ______ and im single' they define themselves by their status - which is also not their authentic self.

 

your authentic self are your unique skills, your talent! and all your wisdom that you have gained. this is who you are.

 

when we can remember what we are made up of and toss aside our labels and definitions we can let go of what we are afraid of because in the end your not loosing anything by letting your ex go, your gaining your authentic self back.

 

Jmina

[Spinderella]

I agree Jmina. Usually there is a fear keeping us from letting go, it may be fear of losing an identity, but can also be other things. If you feel tense, it means that you dont trust the situation without your control, or are resisting the situation. Try to have faith in the situation working out for your best, without having in mind an idea of what that best is.

Just before my ex ended things with me, I had been wrestling with whether to be with him or not, and I asked for the best outcome, and put my trust in that happening. I think this is why I found the break up easier than alot of people. I knew it was for my best.

[funkybassplayer]

I agree Jmina. Usually there is a fear keeping us from letting go, it may be fear of losing an identity, but can also be other things. If you feel tense, it means that you dont trust the situation without your control, or are resisting the situation. Try to have faith in the situation working out for your best, without having in mind an idea of what that best is.

Just before my ex ended things with me, I had been wrestling with whether to be with him or not, and I asked for the best outcome, and put my trust in that happening. I think this is why I found the break up easier than alot of people. I knew it was for my best.

 

 

That is a good point, i was like this too, if fact i did wnd things myself but went back to her, for her to end it 2 months on. I feel that we may acually leave a realtionship without even noticing, and deep inside we do sometimes want it to end, but are afraid to do so. This does not make the loss easyer, but in the long run, we new deep down that this person could not really give us what we want from a relationship. Always follow your gut, if you can be open to what your instincts tell you, they are rarly wrong. Its just the ego, trying to pull us back, sometimes.

[Spinderella]

Good point funkybassplayer, and yes, ego=fear.

[carrotgirl]

Er, I meant letting go of my angst and hostile feelings toward toward this poisonous pal of GD's.

 

Regarding my feelings about GD being with his poisonous pal, yah, they're mixed but in fairness to me and GD as decent yet fallible humans, I know the following,

 

GD doesn't seek his pal's company

GD doesn't believe his poison pal

GD knows the truth

GD is seemingly swayed by the negativity anyway

 

I know these things. I do. I reminded myself as best I could. The upset and tension he's felt knowing his friend has a hateful agenda makes him withdraw from us both. I understand this but I'm bothered anyway since I've suffered in the past because of their relationship tension and well, the timing being what it is....

 

Here's how I dealt with it yesterday.

 

I fell back on a lesson learned in childhood and gave thanks. I gave thanks for the poison pal. I gave thanks for the lies he tells. I gave thanks for his negativity. I gave thanks for the pain in my back. I gave thanks for the angst. I gave thanks for the dirty looks I got. I gave thanks for not talking with GD.

 

I tried to be thankful for it all. And as I write this, I feel some of the tension plaguing me slip away this morning. Because who knows? Who knows what will be? Who knows what effect this all has had and will have?

 

Carrot

[Jmina]

Ah just read the FSS affirmations Spinderella. They are some of the best ones i have ever read. (and i have read alot of them!) Thankyou. They are going up on my pinboard

[Jmina]

 

 

I tried to be thankful for it all. And as I write this, I feel some of the tension plaguing me slip away this morning. Because who knows? Who knows what will be? Who knows what effect this all has had and will have?

 

Carrot

 

This is true carrot, you don't know what karma is coming into place. If you believe in it! Again love is two sided. Support and challange and both have gifts to bring and we can be thankful for both and learn from both.

[carrotgirl]

A couple of hours ago GD cancelled out of our mini holiday. He's afraid he won't be able to get his work done and that was that. he worked like crazy to get enough done to go and couldn't still couldn't make it. I know he's telling the truth and it's not about being with me. He offered to pay to the point where it was insulting. None of it made me feel any better and his waiting until the last minute....

 

well.....

 

I'd like to say I took it well. I'd like to say I manned up and said okay and then said nothing else. It didn't go that way. I said f*ck off several times and hung up on him a good few. He kept calling back. He was 3 hours on the phone trying to make me feel better . He made all kinds of promises that are worth far more than a weekend away in terms of time, consideration, commitment blah blah blah.

 

Except for his asking if he could tidy the garden which was really just him making himself feel better since he hates that I let the garden go this year. I just didn't have time. And he wants to take me to dinner over the weekend. I didn't know what to say. He wants to go to "our" place because he hasn't been since we broke up. He cancelled our break so why would I believe he'll follow through with dinner?

 

I think the last thing I said to him was I hate you. He said, Now why would you say that? I said, Because I do. And after a lot of silence I switched off.

 

So that's the news on this side of the pond. I have to go give thanks in all circumstances some more now.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I'm okay. I'm coping.

 

It isn't like I didn't know this could happen in the first place and GD really did try to get himself together enough to go. He has his own fears and since I know precisely what his workload is and that school finals are a week and a half away, I know he's not bullsh*tting me.

 

He said he was sorry (sincerely) a few times.

 

GD knows he did wrong by flaking out at the last minute. if nothing else, I do look at this as an exercise in loving myself. I'm proud of going all in with regard to trust and care. I'm not proud of the crying tantrum I let loose on GD but he said he was glad I did since he felt like he deserved it.

 

So, the honest woman in me is not unhappy. She knows this isn't a game. She knows she wasn't tricked or purposely hurt. She knows she is loved and that the object of her love is deserving. The selfish "I want it" bratty kid in me is still sort of screaming on the inside at being denied her fun and games in the sunshine.

 

GD wants to compensate for his giant douche-ness. He offered care intensive things, commitments of himself and time together. He communicated plainly, I want to spend time together with YOU. I want to invest in our relationship now and going forward (that of course is undefined, but he wants it).

 

Perhaps we can reschedule a holiday for after exams are over. He pays. He'll be paying for everything for a long, long time. He doesn't have to really. But he DOES have to if you get me? He wants to anyway. He wants to make good and so I'm keeping an open mind.

 

So many people here struggle because they feel injured and their partner or ex isn't forthcoming with an apology or expression of remorse. I'm not unmindful that GD is showing care and respect for me, for himself, for our friendship and for whatever could be in the future. He's doing his best to keep possibilities available. GD is all in with regard to atonement. He's owning this, saying he's sorry, committing to making change and he wants to compensate for the damage to me not just financially but emotionally.

 

It's my choice to accept him or not. I can choose to forgive or not. I can walk around feeling like he owes me or I can be a woman, not a spoiled child, and see this for what it is. The weekend didn't work out the way I wanted. It doesn't mean my life is bad and it doesn't mean other things won't work out the way I want. I just don't know which way I'll choose with regard to spending time with GD.

 

Time.

 

Time.

 

Carrot

[sao2]

Hi Carrot, I wish I could say more than disappointment sucks but after an initial bout of poutyness you seem to be handling it well.

 

It does seem like he is trying to make it up to you though, good luck and happy thanksgiving.

[carrotgirl]

Hey Sao, Happy Turkey Lurkey Day

 

You nailed it really. Disappointment sucks. That just makes me laugh it's so dead on.

 

Some good things came out of GD's 3 hour I'm sorry phone-a-thon. He misses me and it's nice to know I'm missed. He still thinks I'm breath-catchingly attractive. And he swallowed hard and caught his breath a little even. That was kind of nice.

 

He laughed and laughed at me for reserving separate sleeping arrangements. Yes. I really did that. I would have done that with any other friend right? Apparently, my brother's rule still holds true.... when a straight guy goes on a trip with a straight girl, he's counting on some action. That was flattering in an odd way. To know he'd considered it. To know he's thinking about things too. He's not thinking the same things at the same times but thought is taking place and at the end of it all, he still wants me in his life more than anyone else.

 

He's starting to share more about his other friends too. Friends from college and highschool even. He asked me to join some writing club he's had going with his closest (all guy) friends for a while. He asked, a for real question, if I would be interested in joining and that he's wanted to ask me for a while. It was strange that he asked and also kind of cool. I guess I got the impression he wanted to be able to talk about it more in terms of a shared experience. I thought that was strange. Like why would that be important if you're not relationship building?

 

And there was some strange conversation about two things my brother says guys don't just talk to chicks about... so you tell me? He talked for a while about some friends getting married and talked about how he likes the idea of eloping. Sure. Okay. If that was a line, I didn't bite. Then later he talked about the kids thing. I didn't bite that either.

 

What do you all think?

 

Carrot

[MattyTee]

Hey Carrot

 

A Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

 

Me so tired now, but it appears to me that he's putting feelers out, albeit hesitantly. I think you are doing the right thing with not biting - this is a sit-and-wait situation I guess.

 

I wish you the best with it, you know that - even if I feel useless at helping most of the time (probably something to do with the time difference )

[sao2]

I am glad I made you laugh although that was not really my intention. It really is what I get scared of when any talk of "reconciliation" is started in my own situation.

 

I definitely think he is trying to get some action at the very least, perhaps get back into your good graces.

 

The stuff about the writing club is interesting. It indicates that he wants you to REALLY be a part of his life on a whole new level. Although to be honest I don't many guys who would admit to being part of a writing club.