She left him

[simplegirl]

Last night when my MM got home from work they had a fight. I don't know what all happened I just know that she left. He ended up at his parents house for most of the night and when he got home she was back. I figured that meant that everything would be *peachy* again today but his brother called and told me that they are splitting up still. I haven't talked to my MM and I really don't think I want to. I want to be here for him but he needs to get things figured out at home first. They've both been discussing splitting up for about 6 months now and his family told him last night that this was a long time coming but I still think he needs his space. I'm not getting any hopes up but just thought I would share.

[Lyssa]

Hey Simplegirl..

 

Give him the space but tell him that if he needs someone to talk to - he can get hold of you. How are you feeling about this whole splitting up thing? Are you still with your MM?

[simplegirl]

I have mixed feelings about them splitting up. Most of the mixed emotions come from the way our R has evolved over the last 3 years and that their R is very rocky and has been for a long time. She keeps it no secret from everyone that she hates him so it is a long time coming but I can see them still staying together. That's why no hopes are up on my part. I'm going to talk to him early in the next week and just let him know if he needs me I'm here and let it go. Yes, we're still together.

[GreenEyedLady]

Last night when my MM got home from work they had a fight. I don't know what all happened I just know that she left. He ended up at his parents house for most of the night and when he got home she was back. I figured that meant that everything would be *peachy* again today but his brother called and told me that they are splitting up still. I haven't talked to my MM and I really don't think I want to. I want to be here for him but he needs to get things figured out at home first. They've both been discussing splitting up for about 6 months now and his family told him last night that this was a long time coming but I still think he needs his space. I'm not getting any hopes up but just thought I would share.

 

Have you discussed your future together as a couple?

[KATANYA]

I have seen the same thing with my exMM and his W....she has 'left' many times but has always come back. I think giving space is a very good idea right now......let him do what he needs to do before you start planning or thinking too much about what you want out of this. The last thing you need is to feel like he 'chose' you because she was no longer an option.

[child_of_isis]

If there is a marital home and children involved, it is in W's best interest to return.

 

Or he convinced her the A "meant nothing".

[bestadvisor]

I have mixed feelings about them splitting up. Most of the mixed emotions come from the way our R has evolved over the last 3 years and that their R is very rocky and has been for a long time. She keeps it no secret from everyone that she hates him so it is a long time coming but I can see them still staying together. That's why no hopes are up on my part. I'm going to talk to him early in the next week and just let him know if he needs me I'm here and let it go. Yes, we're still together.

 

Are you happy and satisfied that you wrecked a marriage?

[GreenEyedLady]

Are you happy and satisfied that you wrecked a marriage?

 

Other people don't wreck a M...the M was clearly unsatisfying to both partners...

 

If you can't be supportive or offer something constructive, perhaps you should refrain from posting...

 

This is a support forum...Your above quote is not supportive in any way, shape or form...But meant to hurt and harass...

[Tomcat33]

Are you happy and satisfied that you wrecked a marriage?

 

 

She didn't "wreck a marriage"! If two people involved in a rel. don't have the power to make said rel. work what possible power could an outsider have?

 

I wish people would think before they spewed off their mouths with such nonsense. It doesn't even make sense that a third person could "wreck" a relationship they don't even form a part of. It's like blaming someone's mother in law for the friction that happens in a marriage because she meddles, if you can't put your foot down and seprate your inlaws from your relationship well then you need to deal with the fact that you are having a relationship between three people. Bottom line is that a team that is aiming for the same goal fights as a team and is impermeable, clearly that is NOT tha case here and it wasn't when the OW came into the picture.

 

 

Simplegirl let him sort out his mess, the last thing you want to be is his cushion to get in through the tough days and when she comes calling back be dumps you like a hot potato. As much as you may want to be a good friend to him now it is very hard to be supportive of someone who is also playing with your emotions. If you end up having to explain your stance tell him you are willing to be all those things to him when you are on equal grounds.

[bestadvisor]

So, if she didn't wreck a marriage, was her affair with this married man open, honest, and proud to the world? Would she be proud to tell her niece about her story? Will she be proud to tell her grandkids about this story?

 

They were still together when she steps into their marriage. Enough said.

 

There were possibilities that they would have worked things out, but with her getting involved with this woman's husband, the chance went to slim to none. There are certain boundaries and lines that decent people don't cross.

[GreenEyedLady]

So, if she didn't wreck a marriage, was her affair with this married man open, honest, and proud to the world? Would she be proud to tell her niece about her story? Will she be proud to tell her grandkids about this story?

 

They were still together when she steps into their marriage. Enough said.

 

There were possibilities that they would have worked things out, but with her getting involved with this woman's husband, the chance went to slim to none. There are certain boundaries and lines that decent people don't cross.

 

What if it was? Then does she get your blessing?

 

HE is the one who stepped out of the M, she was NEVER in the M...

 

The boundaries that were crossed was by the MM...HE chose to cross that boundary!

 

Some people don't want to work things out, is that really that inconceivable to you? That's why there's D and that rate is over 50%.

[simplegirl]

While I will not say that the R I have with MM is right to many, it is definitely not what ruined their R. Their R was doomed from the beginning when they were dating and he broke up with her. She told him she was pregnant so he went back only to find out 4 months later that she had just gotten pregnant. They broke up again until after the baby was born and got back together for the sake of the baby. They are not actually M but live together. Neither one wants to actually marry the other, they do not even like each other. This is not information based on things he has told me, he does not speak badly of her to me and we don't really discuss their R. This is things I have seen myself or been told by his parents.

 

Yes, we have talked about us being together but we both know it is not something that can happen right now. I am not always completely forthcoming with him about my feelings for him because of the situation though. I'm going to give him space to get his life worked out before anything can happen.

[PoshPrincess]

Are you happy and satisfied that you wrecked a marriage?

 

SHE didn't wreck a marriage. HE did that by cheating and people don't cheat if they have a perfect M anyway. I'm not condoning cheating but it happens.

 

SimpleGirl, I hope everything works out for you. Your MM is obviously in a seriously unhappy M and would be a fool if he stayed. I am keeping my fingers xd that he has the balls to move on (and hopefully find happiness with you!)

[Virgo1982]

I don't believe that she ruined a marriage, but she didn't help the situation. Whenever you get involved with someone who is married it can only add to the existing discord. It sounds like they shouldn't have been married in the first place, but they were married.

 

I know many of you believe that you don't cross boundaries because you aren't the one who is married, but someday you will find out that simply isn't the case. There are always choices and lines that shouldn't be crossed, for our benefit. But that is neither here nor there. My religious beliefs are my beliefs. And just as you have the right to believe you haven't done anything that is of a questionable nature, I have the right to believe that you have.

 

With that said, please be careful. Give him some space to either stand up for you or stand up for his marriage. Let the decision be his. The advice that you have received is sound. And as these women know more about being an OW than I do, they seem to know what they are talking about.

 

Having been on both sides I have to take a collaborative stance in this debate...

 

First, I don't understand why BS are so angry at the OW unless (1) She has prior knowledge that you exist (2) Along with #1, she is an acquaintance, friend, family member, etc.

 

When I was betrayed, I was not angry at the OW-Even after she called me. I took the attitude of gratitude. I informed her that he was all hers and let him know the same thing. I cried and cried and cried, but I didn't waste any more time with him and she could take my place to either suffer or live happily-ever-after.

 

Now, the relationship is definitely questionable-because of the situation the OW puts herself in.

 

As for someone feeling differently after they've been betrayed, that's for people who choose to place blame on an outsider as a way to heal the pain of living with a (reformed) cheater. In most cases, the OW will not have to see the BS suffer. That is the MM's cross to bear. At the end of the day, he has to deal with the pain he has caused his W and the OW.

 

I think the problem with most marriages is the blame-game. "It's you." "No, it's you." Shut up already! Work together and look within yourselves to solve your problems instead of blaming everyone and everything under the sun-except for the two people who actually made the vows or realize you can't live with each other.

[LifesontheUp]

Having been on both sides I have to take a collaborative stance in this debate...

 

First, I don't understand why BS are so angry at the OW unless (1) She has prior knowledge that you exist (2) Along with #1, she is an acquaintance, friend, family member, etc.

 

When I was betrayed, I was not angry at the OW-Even after she called me. I took the attitude of gratitude. I informed her that he was all hers and let him know the same thing. I cried and cried and cried, but I didn't waste any more time with him and she could take my place to either suffer or live happily-ever-after.

 

Now, the relationship is definitely questionable-because of the situation the OW puts herself in.

 

As for someone feeling differently after they've been betrayed, that's for people who choose to place blame on an outsider as a way to heal the pain of living with a (reformed) cheater. In most cases, the OW will not have to see the BS suffer. That is the MM's cross to bear. At the end of the day, he has to deal with the pain he has caused his W and the OW.

 

I think the problem with most marriages is the blame-game. "It's you." "No, it's you." Shut up already! Work together and look within yourselves to solve your problems instead of blaming everyone and everything under the sun-except for the two people who actually made the vows or realize you can't live with each other.

 

Of course the wife will be annoyed/angry at the OW, this OW has taken the action to open her legs for a married man. What happened to respecting that the guy is married and respecting yourself until he is legally seperated or divorced to do it. Theres plenty of single guys out there for goodness sake.

 

Tell you what.....how about in the rare circumstances the MM leaves his wife for the OW. Then surprise surprise he then cheats again.

 

I'd bet my car that there'll be plenty that would feel how the wife used to feel. In fact seen it many times on other forums. How they weep, how they hate his new fling etc etc

 

What goes around comes around.

[Virgo1982]

Of course the wife will be annoyed/angry at the OW, this OW has taken the action to open her legs for a married man. What happened to respecting that the guy is married and respecting yourself until he is legally seperated or divorced to do it. Theres plenty of single guys out there for goodness sake.

 

Tell you what.....how about in the rare circumstances the MM leaves his wife for the OW. Then surprise surprise he then cheats again.

 

I'd bet my car that there'll be plenty that would feel how the wife used to feel. In fact seen it many times on other forums. How they weep, how they hate his new fling etc etc

 

What goes around comes around.

 

I agree. That's why I said "putting herself in a situation." I think OW should be very conscious about that. However, you have to leave your personal experience out of this for a second and remember that every BS is not like you. Every OW is not like the OW in your situation and every MM isn't the same either.

 

But I don't understand what all of the hostility is about. If karma exists and they get what they deserve, what reason does anyone have to be bitter toward the OW?

 

That OW opened her legs to put your H's penis between them. Then, he came in and made small talk with you before he took a shower in the bathroom you cleaned and laid in the bed you made after he sampled the meal you prepared with the groceries you picked up from the store after you got off from work, but before you made sure the kids did their homework. I mean who should really be the target of all of your hostility? Most stay with him though. Only to be angry at the next OW or constantly worrying if there is another OW.

[GreenEyedLady]

What a righteous post!

[Virgo1982]

What a righteous post!

 

Thanks. Though I am defending OW in a certain sense, it does make the affair/MM less appealing. My point is this: it should be less appealing for both individuals and the OW should not be used as a scapegoat.

 

Sometimes an OW may help a MM see that he truly appreciates his W. While he should have been able to figure that out for himself-without having an affair-many times it does work out that way.

 

Either way you slice it, the MM should grow some balls and initiate divorce if he is unhappy and the W doesn't want to let go and/or doesn't want to put any effort into saving the M.

 

If he's just having an affair out of boredom then he shouldn't have married in the first place. He's a waste of time for any woman who isn't exactly like him. He will always be a cheater without help. His W doesn't get a pass for staying with him through all of his affairs just because she made a mistake marrying him.

[GreenEyedLady]

I agree with you...The MP should either end it with the AP or the W...

 

I don't think A's are appealing anyway, they're not...How many OW wake up and think,"I'm going to steal someone's H,"...While there may be a few, most OW don't start out like that...

 

And there are those R's that are about love and trust between the two partners in it and the process that it takes to get to where you need to make it right in society's eyes can be a long one...Even though no one here seems to think it never happens, it does...

[Virgo1982]

I agree with you...The MP should either end it with the AP or the W...

 

I don't think A's are appealing anyway, they're not...How many OW wake up and think,"I'm going to steal someone's H,"...While there may be a few, most OW don't start out like that...

 

And there are those R's that are about love and trust between the two partners in it and the process that it takes to get to where you need to make it right in society's eyes can be a long one...Even though no one here seems to think it never happens, it does...

 

I don't know what's going on with you, but I have a board on my bedroom wall with pictures of several M couples I'd like to destroy. Some of them are really easy to penetrate and some of them seem impossible.

 

Anyway, we see eye to eye. There is a bell curve involved. According to research some men do use an affair to exit the M. Whether the affair couple stay together or not, I don't know. What I do know is all situations are not the same and people often throw their emotions around at people instead of looking at each situation on a case-by-case basis.

[White Flower]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Virgo1982

Having been on both sides I have to take a collaborative stance in this debate...

 

First, I don't understand why BS are so angry at the OW unless (1) She has prior knowledge that you exist (2) Along with #1, she is an acquaintance, friend, family member, etc.

 

When I was betrayed, I was not angry at the OW-Even after she called me. I took the attitude of gratitude. I informed her that he was all hers and let him know the same thing. I cried and cried and cried, but I didn't waste any more time with him and she could take my place to either suffer or live happily-ever-after.

 

Now, the relationship is definitely questionable-because of the situation the OW puts herself in.

 

As for someone feeling differently after they've been betrayed, that's for people who choose to place blame on an outsider as a way to heal the pain of living with a (reformed) cheater. In most cases, the OW will not have to see the BS suffer. That is the MM's cross to bear. At the end of the day, he has to deal with the pain he has caused his W and the OW.

 

I think the problem with most marriages is the blame-game. "It's you." "No, it's you." Shut up already! Work together and look within yourselves to solve your problems instead of blaming everyone and everything under the sun-except for the two people who actually made the vows or realize you can't live with each other.

 

 

Originally posted by LifesontheUp>

Of course the wife will be annoyed/angry at the OW, this OW has taken the action to open her legs for a married man. What happened to respecting that the guy is married and respecting yourself until he is legally seperated or divorced to do it. Theres plenty of single guys out there for goodness sake.

 

Not all "open their legs", how crass. And not all wives are annoyed. Some already know there are problems and anticipate a D already.

 

 

Tell you what.....how about in the rare circumstances the MM leaves his wife for the OW. Then surprise surprise he then cheats again.

Only if he is a serial cheater. Not all cheaters are the same.

I'd bet my car that there'll be plenty that would feel how the wife used to feel. In fact seen it many times on other forums. How they weep, how they hate his new fling etc etc

 

What goes around comes around.

 

You cannot assume all MM involved in As are the same.

[GreenEyedLady]

It is a little hard to fathom an involvement based on love and trust, when one or both of the people involved are lying to at least the spouse, if not others. It just reeks of some type of double standard. It's o.k. for them to lie to the spouse, but they would never lie to me.

 

You're not offensive in the least...

 

And a lot of people don't understand it, and if I wasn't where I am today, I wouldn't believe it either...

 

It's not a double standard...It's not ok for them to lie to the spouse, but what can anyone do about that? The OP is not there; they don't know what is said. R that are solid and built on trust are those that are backed by actions...That's how you know...

[LifesontheUp]

Research shows:

 

That fewer than 10% of affairees divorce their spouses and marry their lover.

 

Over 75% of those who divorce and marry their lover divorce again.

 

Nearly 80% of those who divorce during an affair are sorry later.

 

It isn't easy to gather statistics on extra marrital affairs due to the secrecy of it. However the general consensus is that 50-60% of men and 40-50% of women have affairs and approx 64% stay in their marriage after an affair.

 

So lets be fair here, not very good statistics for the OW/OM - 3 out of 4 can expect their marriage to end.

[Virgo1982]

Research shows:

 

That fewer than 10% of affairees divorce their spouses and marry their lover.

 

Over 75% of those who divorce and marry their lover divorce again.

 

Nearly 80% of those who divorce during an affair are sorry later.

 

It isn't easy to gather statistics on extra marrital affairs due to the secrecy of it. However the general consensus is that 50-60% of men and 40-50% of women have affairs and approx 64% stay in their marriage after an affair.

 

So lets be fair here, not very good statistics for the OW/OM - 3 out of 4 can expect their marriage to end.

 

 

Never said they were good for OW, but I don't see 100% anywhere...

[Virgo1982]

Research shows:

 

That fewer than 10% of affairees divorce their spouses and marry their lover.

 

Over 75% of those who divorce and marry their lover divorce again.

 

Nearly 80% of those who divorce during an affair are sorry later.

 

It isn't easy to gather statistics on extra marrital affairs due to the secrecy of it. However the general consensus is that 50-60% of men and 40-50% of women have affairs and approx 64% stay in their marriage after an affair.

 

So lets be fair here, not very good statistics for the OW/OM - 3 out of 4 can expect their marriage to end.

 

Also, of the 80%, who wind up being sorry later, why should the wives want them to stay when they had to get a divorce and get remarried to realize they weren't fit for marriage?