She left him

[OWoman]

You both missed my point. It wasn't whether they leave or not, it was that (IMO) men are much more likely than women to have an affair based just on sex and not anything to do with emotions.

 

To counterbalance your experience, Reboot , I've had several As with MM and I was the one in it just for sex, but the MM were looking for more - despite what they CLAIMED at the outset, sooner or later visions of picket fences and crawling babies started clouding their eyes and they'd parked their great huge emotion trailer outside my front door and I had to terminate them with extreme prejudice.

[reboot]

To counterbalance your experience, Reboot , I've had several As with MM and I was the one in it just for sex, but the MM were looking for more - despite what they CLAIMED at the outset, sooner or later visions of picket fences and crawling babies started clouding their eyes and they'd parked their great huge emotion trailer outside my front door and I had to terminate them with extreme prejudice.

But I think you'll admit, and some of the other women here will admit, that you're likely the exception rather than the rule.

 

I was by no means saying it's always that way, as I mentioned above, I've been hit on by married women a few times who I know for a fact weren't looking for "love". I was only saying that "I think" men tend to exhibit this behavior far more than women do. I'm actually kind of surprised to find so many women in a place like this taking up for the honor of my gender.

[bish]

Why are you asking me this?

 

You said you didn't regret the affair and learned so much from it...so I am wondering...what have you learned?

[Tomcat33]

I'm actually kind of surprised to find so many women in a place like this taking up for the honor of my gender.

 

Because not all men are scum, just the scummy ones are.

[reboot]

Because not all men are scum, just the scummy ones are.

Yeah, I know that's true. Don't get me wrong, I'm a man and proud to be. I don't know how good of a man I am, but I do know plenty of men that are (good men). Even most of the ones I know that have cheated were decent guys. Misguided about certain things (IMO) maybe, but not "bad".

 

I'm sure my outlook goes back to my childhood when my father cheated on my mother, more than once. I'm sure I wasn't supposed to know about it, but "little pitchers have big ears". I'm sure that's why I am often so outspoken, and why I've always been so determined not to be him.

[Virgo1982]

You said you didn't regret the affair and learned so much from it...so I am wondering...what have you learned?

 

 

I assume that because I was wondering why you were wondering when I asked you why you asked me.

 

IOW, where are you going with this question? You seem to have all the answers. Why do want to know what I've learned?

[bish]

I assume that because I was wondering why you were wondering when I asked you why you asked me.

 

IOW, where are you going with this question? You seem to have all the answers. Why do want to know what I've learned?

 

Because I'm not a cheater and wouldn't know what a cheater has learned when they didn't regret the affair.

 

But instead of answering the question, you want to know where I'm going with it....scared that it shouldn't have taken an affair to gain whatever knowledge it is that you have now?

[Virgo1982]

Because I'm not a cheater and wouldn't know what a cheater has learned when they didn't regret the affair.

 

But instead of answering the question, you want to know where I'm going with it....scared that it shouldn't have taken an affair to gain whatever knowledge it is that you have now?

 

No, you're nothing to fear. In fact the question has already been answered if you read and I already knew you were offering nothing constructive to me anyhow. I've already ended the affair. What's your purpose?

 

There was a reason I put myself in that situation. Now, I'm not in that situation. I don't see myself going back to that situation=change=growth=experience=you guessed it...learning.

 

You came at me with a question like a lion scoping out its prey. That's why I asked you a question before I would answer.

 

I guarantee you'll still have some nuisance comment after this post.

 

You call yourself Bish, don't be surprised when you're treated like one

[Virgo1982]

No, you're nothing to fear. In fact the question has already been answered if you read and I already knew you were offering nothing constructive to me anyhow. I've already ended the affair. What's your purpose?

 

There was a reason I put myself in that situation. Now, I'm not in that situation. I don't see myself going back to that situation=change=growth=experience=you guessed it...learning.

 

You came at me with a question like a lion scoping out its prey. That's why I asked you a question before I would answer.

 

I guarantee you'll still have some nuisance comment after this post.

 

You call yourself Bish, don't be surprised when you're treated like one

 

Also, I didn't have to go through that. It could've been some other experience. Like, I could've been M and my H might have cheated on me. I could have grown in that way to realize changes needed to be made. It might suck for both partners to realize they could've received counseling before an affair, but it happens all the time.

[bish]

No, you're nothing to fear. In fact the question has already been answered if you read and I already knew you were offering nothing constructive to me anyhow. I've already ended the affair. What's your purpose?

 

There was a reason I put myself in that situation. Now, I'm not in that situation. I don't see myself going back to that situation=change=growth=experience=you guessed it...learning.

 

You came at me with a question like a lion scoping out its prey. That's why I asked you a question before I would answer.

 

I guarantee you'll still have some nuisance comment after this post.

 

You call yourself Bish, don't be surprised when you're treated like one

 

if you don't want to answer the question...just say so.

[Virgo1982]

if you don't want to answer the question...just say so.

 

Reverse psychology is so lame. What I'm telling you is, I already knew what your aim was from the beginning. I don't care to answer your question again, Bish. You're wasting my time. And now, you're not...

[bish]

Reverse psychology is so lame. What I'm telling you is, I already knew what your aim was from the beginning. I don't care to answer your question again, Bish. You're wasting my time. And now, you're not...

 

this tells me you learned nothing....or maybe its that you learned that the next time you cheat, don't get caught.

 

I asked the question because I knew you couldn't answer it. I knew you didn't learn a damn thing and it was just words...nothing more.

[Virgo1982]

this tells me you learned nothing....or maybe its that you learned that the next time you cheat, don't get caught.

 

I asked the question because I knew you couldn't answer it. I knew you didn't learn a damn thing and it was just words...nothing more.

 

Never got caught. Ended it. I have answered it. I don't know how many times I can say that and/or how many times you can overlook it.

 

I'm not answering it the way you'd like, but I answered it.

 

Why are you cursing? Why are you so angry? Something is wrong with you. Always being so aggressive-Talking about biting people:eek:

 

I think you should focus on yourself. I think you could make a change for the better.

[bish]

Never got caught. Ended it. I have answered it. I don't know how many times I can say that and/or how many times you can overlook it.

 

I'm not answering it the way you'd like, but I answered it.

 

I haven't read what you think you learned from it...oh well.

 

 

Why are you cursing?

 

What? You mean using the word "damn"? Oh brother.

 

Why are you so angry? Something is wrong with you. Always being so aggressive-Talking about biting people:eek:

 

Oh I wouldn't call it anger...just disgust at people that hurt others in one of the worst ways possible.

[Tomcat33]

Oh I wouldn't call it anger...just disgust at people that hurt others in one of the worst ways possible.

 

 

People hurt people all the time, and they can help it yet they do it anyway.

Some of the things said here to strangers are hurtful, and dependant on the emotional state of someone who is posting in a forum seeking help, some of the hurtful things said to them could very well be hurtful in the worst possible way. It's all relative.

 

 

Irony never ceases to amaze me.

 

Yeah, I know that's true. Don't get me wrong, I'm a man and proud to be. I don't know how good of a man I am, but I do know plenty of men that are (good men). Even most of the ones I know that have cheated were decent guys. Misguided about certain things (IMO) maybe, but not "bad".

 

I'm sure my outlook goes back to my childhood when my father cheated on my mother, more than once. I'm sure I wasn't supposed to know about it, but "little pitchers have big ears". I'm sure that's why I am often so outspoken, and why I've always been so determined not to be him.

 

You know Reboot it really amazes me when people who live with such a close influence of something scaring in their upbringing that could very easily be replicated later in adulthood, can rise above it to ensure they never follow those negative patterns. Especially for a man to see that and not become that as an adult.

We have all seen things growing up and I have a lot of respect for people who can actually learn from their pain and not allow it to manifest itself later in life.

 

I don't know if you are a good or a bad person but the idea that you live your life consciously is a very good quality to have.

 

I used to have this conversation with my exguy all the time, he would describe everyone with the preamble of "he is a good guy or woman" and I would always say yes but we are all good, and we are also bad.

[Tomcat33]

There was a reason I put myself in that situation. Now, I'm not in that situation. I don't see myself going back to that situation=change=growth=experience=you guessed it...learning.

 

 

 

I think you answered that pefectly and I don't believe it needs to be elaborated further.

 

What a person learns from an experience is for themselves, it is personal and if someone does need to go into details it certainly does not mean they learned nothing. I don't see why someone would see it otherwise? But then again I'm not everyone...

[Mino]

I can't argue with most of your post, you have made some strong very valid points and believe me I am trying to find fault in your logic but can't, so I agree with most of your post.

 

However there is still the parts that I bolded I tend to disagree on. I see your point in regards to taking money away from what should go to the family but would you also go down to the local bar, if your husband were a regular water hole frequenter and have it out with the bar staff for taking money away from a man's family? Let's say he blew considerable amounts of money on golf and tipping dining/watiting staff at bars restaurants you could technically have the same complaint with the local entertainment unit for taking this man's money away when that money should be spent of the family. OR would you just sit your husband down and say "listen buddy this is our money you are stealing away from the family for your presonal enjoyment it has to stop." Seeing that you sound a like a reasonable woman, I think you would choose for the latter, to sit him down and ask him to stop his frivolous spending, you would not ask the restaurants/bar staff to shut the door on him to prevent him from spending.

 

From the OW prespective this is what I mean by the OP has relationship with the person not the marriage, if the man is willing to spend this money outside of the family unit it is assumed he can and somehow works out his math in order to do this, it's basically his entertainment money that would be spent elsewhere should the OP not be in the picture. So I know this is something that is hard to understand for a Bs but the W/H for the OP really doesn't come in to play you really are involved with one person and you get the most out of what you can from them given the circumstance they are in. I for one was with someone who was married but seperated so I got everything from him, there was no traditional sense to the affair as it was not an affair per say, but I was indeed on paper still dating a married man.

 

As per the listening to him confide in you when he should be doing that with the spouse, he could be confiding in a friend in the EXACT same way. Would you try to prevent your husband from having close friends, of the same sex in hopes that he would not divulge your dirty laundry to an outsider? I doubt it. I do think that you would hope that your spouse would have enough common sense and most importantly RESPECT for you that he would not take an outside friend and make them a soundboard for all his problems with you. But let's face it everyone has someone outside of the relationship they confide in, is it wrong? yeah probably people should deal with their problems with the person they are having problems with and that's but, life does not work that way.

 

The reality is there could be a coworker right now whom he has lunch with a buddy if you will who he confides in right now, and you really have no say in that matter. what makes it a point of contention is that if it WERE a buddy there is no chance of love happening because they are the same sex. Well in a lot of cases of As start off as friendships, it is two people looking for emotional support of sorts and it LATER turns into a love affair. We all need emotional support outside of our relationships, the thing is is it ok to look for it in friends of the opposite sex? Are we for or against frienships with people of the opposite sex?

 

Lastly, the bit about sex being taken away when he could be having it with his wife. If he really were having sex with his W he would not be emotionally vested in someone else so that sex was not happening anyway. So I insist for the most part in cases of marriages exposed to affairs, there is no sex or affection being deprived from the BS because that affection and sex was already NON existent and the reason why the cheaters were volunerable to the grips of an extramarital tie. I am sure there are exceptions of cheaters that are just greedy and want variety and things are fine, boring but fine at home, but for the most part there are deep problems in the marriage and affection is not existent and this is why the cheaters look for affection and understanding elsewhere sometimes not realising they are opening pandora's box.

 

Affairs tend to be about emotional needs, I really dont believe they are all just about having a sexual fling on the side,some are but not all.

Hi Tomcat, I really have missed your post , you always speak so much truth, keep up the great Post....

[Lyssa]

Hi Tomcat, I really have missed your post , you always speak so much truth, keep up the great Post....

 

Yup, TC33 always has a good point. Me like very much!! :love:

[Mino]

:lmao:

No, you're nothing to fear. In fact the question has already been answered if you read and I already knew you were offering nothing constructive to me anyhow. I've already ended the affair. What's your purpose?

 

There was a reason I put myself in that situation. Now, I'm not in that situation. I don't see myself going back to that situation=change=growth=experience=you guessed it...learning.

 

You came at me with a question like a lion scoping out its prey. That's why I asked you a question before I would answer.

 

I guarantee you'll still have some nuisance comment after this post.

 

You call yourself Bish, don't be surprised when you're treated like one

:lmao::lmao::lmao: That was great!!!:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Virgo1982]

I think you answered that pefectly and I don't believe it needs to be elaborated further.

 

What a person learns from an experience is for themselves, it is personal and if someone does need to go into details it certainly does not mean they learned nothing. I don't see why someone would see it otherwise? But then again I'm not everyone...

 

 

Thank you TomCat. You would see it that way if you were extremely abrasive and always in attack mode offering hardly any constructive advice to anyone, but you are the exact opposite

[Virgo1982]

:lmao:

:lmao::lmao::lmao: That was great!!!:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Thanks, just speaking the truth.

[Nixson]

My GF sure did not exaggerate when she told me this forum goes on and on! I'm happy to see some OW so feisty. I can see why she found the support she needed from some of you!

[Tomcat33]

Yup, TC33 always has a good point. Me like very much!! :love:

 

Awww thanks babe, :love:them are big shoes to fill but you know what they say about big shoes.....big heart! What were you thinking naughty girl?

 

Hi Tomcat, I really have missed your post , you always speak so much truth, keep up the great Post....

 

I speak my truth as I see it through my fun-house/3-D/X-ray glasses

We all form our truths as we see it don't we?

That's why whenver I read someone post the words "you are wrong" it makes me wonder according to whom or what really?

 

Thank you TomCat. You would see it that way if you were extremely abrasive and always in attack mode offering hardly any constructive advice to anyone, but you are the exact opposite

 

You're welcome Virgo. I think we are all entitled to ask questions and to look for truths but it's a very different thing to antagonize something "perceived as an absolute truth" out of someone.

"One man's garbage is another man's treasure" and all that....No?

 

My GF sure did not exaggerate when she told me this forum goes on and on! I'm happy to see some OW so feisty. I can see why she found the support she needed from some of you!

 

Yeah that's becuase the horse has to be beat to death to make absolutely sure it won't come back to life, much like they repeatedly kill off zombies in Night of The Zombies movies...you can never be too sure. "Braiiiiiinnsss.....we need braaaaaiiiinsss"

[Lyssa]

Awww thanks babe, :love:them are big shoes to fill but you know what they say about big shoes.....big heart! What were you thinking naughty girl?

 

LOL - I swear I wasn't thinking of anything but big c*.... I mean I was thinking of exactly that - big HEART!!

 

So happy to see you around, TC!!

[bish]

People hurt people all the time, and they can help it yet they do it anyway.

Some of the things said here to strangers are hurtful, and dependant on the emotional state of someone who is posting in a forum seeking help, some of the hurtful things said to them could very well be hurtful in the worst possible way. It's all relative.

 

Someone who has hurt someone in the worst possible way in real life should be able to take well deserved criticism in a forum such as this.