I was cheated on...

[ozguy]

Hey all, my first post here, just wanted to get some outside opinions on a situation Im in. I was seeing a girl for about 10 months and I broke up with her a week ago because I found out she cheated on me about a month ago. She cheated on me once with another guy but she did not tell me, I found out recently through other means.

 

I confronted her and she openly admitted she made the mistake; I basically called us off on the spot. I have spent the last week with no appetite and little sleep thinking about this girl. I feel sick every time I think about what she did but I still miss her like crazy and I cant stop wanting to be with her, despite what she did.

 

This is not my first serious girlfriend; however it is the first girl that I have actually fallen in love with.

 

Today (6 days after break-up) I visited her to drop off her personal belongings. She tells me she made the biggest mistake she had ever made and begged me to give her a second chance – a chance to earn my trust back. Instantly when I was with her the knot I’ve had in my stomach all week disappeared and I felt so much better. However - I kept myself at a distance; I didn't want to act on impulse.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and I am a firm believer in second chances but I have so many questions around in my head.

- what would happen if I didn't find out myself? would she tell me later? Would she keep cheating? or would she have learned from her mistake and would we have been together forever?

 

I don't know what to do, I love her and I want to be with her but she did cheat and hid the truth from me (is that the same as lying?). I firmly believe this is the first time in our relationship she has not been completely honest with me.

 

Sorry for the long post, Im just writing down things going through my head...

 

I myself have cheated and lied to a past girlfriend! - I got away with it but the fact is I know now that’s because I didn't love her and if I got caught I wouldn't try so hard to get back with me like my this girl is. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite in this aspect.

 

This girl is amazingly good looking! everywhere she goes guys fall over her and she continually turns them down by the dozens, Ive never seen anything like it. But I wonder if I had dozens of girls drooling over me every day and week would I always be faithful?

 

I am nearly 25 years old, this girl is 20, does age become a factor? I have had more bad experiences and mistakes and have learnt from them, she may have not.

 

 

 

Argh! I don’t know what to do this love thing does crazy things to you!

[Cobra_X30]

I myself have cheated and lied to a past girlfriend! - I got away with it but the fact is I know now that’s because I didn't love her and if I got caught I wouldn't try so hard to get back with me like my this girl is. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite in this aspect.

 

This girl is amazingly good looking! everywhere she goes guys fall over her and she continually turns them down by the dozens, Ive never seen anything like it. But I wonder if I had dozens of girls drooling over me every day and week would I always be faithful?

 

I am nearly 25 years old, this girl is 20, does age become a factor? I have had more bad experiences and mistakes and have learnt from them, she may have not.

 

Argh! I don’t know what to do this love thing does crazy things to you!

 

It might be age... only in that she has probably just never faced consequences from doing this before. Bear that in mind if you take her back. If she feels like she got away with it... its going to happen again.

 

I'd also say that she doesnt love you. Just as you cheated because you didnt love your GF... so she did the same. She is asking for you back, simply because you rejected her and she doesnt want to be lonely!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

What excuse did she give for cheating and putting your health at risk for STD's?

Why did she not tell you and have to be caught rather than be honest?

If the roles were reversed what do you think her response would be?

I agree with Cobra in that no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

[mwhitlockus]

Hey,

 

I'm right there with ya . . . my bf of 10 months has been cheating on me, but he has never admitted to the act . . . just imagine the worry and mistrust i've had . . . mistrust and infidelity can make people do crazy things and it's unhealthy to feel this way . . . I have lost over 15 pounds in the past month . . . it's been horrible . . .

 

I give your girl cuddos for fessing up, but I wouldn't be quick to jump into the relationship again . . . I have gone back with my bf 3x . . . Each time his efforts get stronger to win back my affections . . . the more I pushed away, he pushed harder to get me back . . . I didn't want to go back because I knew I couldn't trust him, but I loved him and wanted the pain in my belly to go away . . . After going back, I was happy for a while, but then all the fear and mistrust return . . . you will always question her when you aren't together . . . I'll be honest . . . It will consume your life and soul . . . I say move on buddy . . . hope this helps from someone who has gone back . . . it doesn't work, and I feel like a hopeless and insecure peice of **** that can't say, "**** Off!"

[mwhitlockus]

Forgot to address the age card . . . my bf is 6 years younger than me . . . It has caused problems . . . I'm thinking more long term and stable, whereas he is thinking "here and now" . . . your situation might be similar since she is so young . . . she might just need to get out and experience life . . . give her this, but remove yourself from the destruction that might lie ahead

[ozguy]

Thanks guys.

 

Ive thought about it a bit more, a few days have past since i posted here. She is still trying really hard to get me to give her another chance.

 

I told her I still have feelings for her but that she has destroyed all trust between us. I told her to write me a letter and tell me why she likes me and why I should trust her again and that I want more time to think about it.

 

I plan to make her work for me, Im not going to give her a second chance easily.

[ozguy]

Just an update here.

 

Its been two weeks since this whole saga unfolded. This girl has gone out of her way to show how sorry and remorseful she is as well as showing just how much she cares about me. I feel in my heart that this is not something she can do again.

 

However, I still have that ****ty feeling inside me, not so much that I don't trust her... just the feeling that what was once special to us is not just ours... that crappy feeling you get when you think about the one you love with someone else.

 

I wonder if this feeling will ever go away so that I could feel the same way I did before...

[Darkstar1]

People make mistakes. Lord knows, I have made a number of them. Surprising I know, but you need to decide what to do about it. Are you able to forget a mistake on her part?

[Cobra_X30]

Just an update here.

 

Its been two weeks since this whole saga unfolded. This girl has gone out of her way to show how sorry and remorseful she is as well as showing just how much she cares about me. I feel in my heart that this is not something she can do again.

 

However, I still have that ****ty feeling inside me, not so much that I don't trust her... just the feeling that what was once special to us is not just ours... that crappy feeling you get when you think about the one you love with someone else.

 

I wonder if this feeling will ever go away so that I could feel the same way I did before...

 

It doesnt vanish.... it just gets more distant with time.

 

Until it happens again 10 years down the road.

 

No consequences = No change

[lino]

I plan to make her work for me, Im not going to give her a second chance easily.

 

 

I'd never give a 2nd chance to someone who cheated on me but this is the right attitude to have on your part. Just make sure to bring it across to her well otherwise she'll think she can do it again & get away with it.

[ozguy]

People make mistakes. Lord knows, I have made a number of them. Surprising I know, but you need to decide what to do about it. Are you able to forget a mistake on her part?

 

Forget... no way. I'm just trying to figure out if the crap feeling I have at the moment is here to stay or not.

 

It doesnt vanish.... it just gets more distant with time.

 

Until it happens again 10 years down the road.

 

No consequences = No change

 

I agree to a point. I dont intend to get back with her yet, I know the time apart is killing her so I intend to drag it out for a while as a 'consequence'.

 

I'd never give a 2nd chance to someone who cheated on me but this is the right attitude to have on your part. Just make sure to bring it across to her well otherwise she'll think she can do it again & get away with it.

 

Im hoping time will do this.

 

 

 

 

So hard!

[Lyssa]

I know it would be hard for me to give another guy a chance if he cheated on me. One of my ex-es did and beg for me to take him back, proved to me he has changed... I didn't... but it was because I fell out of love for him anyway.

[samsungxoxo]

Dude you're wasting time thinking about giving her another chance. Whatever reason she brought upon cheating on you, are you sure you will be able to look into her eyes as the same person you met? How about when she decides to cheat again, what is the issue gonna be about this time?

[Cobra_X30]

I agree to a point. I dont intend to get back with her yet, I know the time apart is killing her so I intend to drag it out for a while as a 'consequence'.

 

Well, I applaud you for taking the risk on this girl. Just make sure that she knows you are taking a risk on her.

 

Remember she did not tell you about this! You had to find out yourself!

 

Her A** Better understand that if she continues to be a shady ho, you will find out and regulate!

[Trialbyfire]

I know it would be hard for me to give another guy a chance if he cheated on me. One of my ex-es did and beg for me to take him back, proved to me he has changed... I didn't... but it was because I fell out of love for him anyway.

This is something I cannot understand considering your relationship. Your current b/f cheated on his wife, to be with you in an long-distance relationship. What's to stop him from doing the same to you, in the future, especially without marital bonds and with the distance? Love is rarely enough for a cheater and a liar.

[blindsidedagain]

21 years ago, my sweetheart admitted to a one night stand that happened a year prior.

It broke my heart, and added disfunction to our relationship.

She did everything she could to keep me and that she would never ever do it again.

About 10 years ago, I learned of another one night stand.

She explained that she was drunk, and it was a stupid mistake.

I went out of my mind, and broke up with her.

Both of our mothers died shortly afterward, and it brought us back together.

She vowed that she would never ever do it again.

About 6 weeks ago, I learned that she has been having a 6 month affair with a coworker who is 15 years her senior.

Needless to say, this time I had a breakdown.

I have been unable to work and take tranquilizers all day long.

It gets much more painful after each affair.

 

Your girl cheated because of her issues, not yours or your relationship.

IMO, unless she is able to recognize the cause, (not giving bj's to you at will) she will likely do it again.

I will say, that there is still a chance anyway.

Each time, my girl had a different reason.

This time, it was low self esteem and depression.

I don't know about you, but I also have been through depression, and I went to the doctor.

I do wish you the very best of luck whatever you decide.

[Trialbyfire]

Your girl cheated because of her issues, not yours or your relationship.

Exactly. People cheat from a lack of something basic inside of them. No consequences, no core change.

[ozguy]

21 years ago, my sweetheart admitted to a one night stand that happened a year prior.

It broke my heart, and added disfunction to our relationship.

She did everything she could to keep me and that she would never ever do it again.

About 10 years ago, I learned of another one night stand.

She explained that she was drunk, and it was a stupid mistake.

I went out of my mind, and broke up with her.

Both of our mothers died shortly afterward, and it brought us back together.

She vowed that she would never ever do it again.

About 6 weeks ago, I learned that she has been having a 6 month affair with a coworker who is 15 years her senior.

Needless to say, this time I had a breakdown.

I have been unable to work and take tranquilizers all day long.

It gets much more painful after each affair.

 

Your girl cheated because of her issues, not yours or your relationship.

IMO, unless she is able to recognize the cause, (not giving bj's to you at will) she will likely do it again.

I will say, that there is still a chance anyway.

Each time, my girl had a different reason.

This time, it was low self esteem and depression.

I don't know about you, but I also have been through depression, and I went to the doctor.

I do wish you the very best of luck whatever you decide.

 

wow thats intense dude, I feel for you big time.

 

did you honestly feel love and remorse from your ex the first and subsequent time she cheated? did you give yourself serious time to think it through? or did you just slip back into the norms of relationship without really taking a step back?

 

Ive been thinking about it quite a bit. People are human and humans rarely get it right the first time. As Ive mentioned before, I do believe in second chances... admittedly not third or fourth though.

 

Ive taken great care in my situation not to let the wrong feelings get in the way (ie the lure of sex etc.) Ive talked to my ex a **** load (more than ever before) telling her my feelings towards her (good and bad) and Ive listened to what she has to say about me, mostly of which outlines how I became her love, her best friend and her world. Admittedly now that I look back there was several weeks towards the end of our relationship that we got extremely close in every way, more emotion and more time togther. I know now that this was after she cheated on me.

 

I still need more time but I have hope.

[bish]

oz...I was gonna say, dump this girl...you deserve better.

 

Then I saw where you had cheated in the past on someone else too....so never mind.