Newly sober BF, need your ideas

[polywog]

Hi all,

It's been a while... I reckon I knew I'd need your advice at some point, so here goes.

 

I have become involved with a great amazing man in the past 4 months who's everything I could want in a mate so far. He's a grown up, intelligent, self aware, honest, kind, funny, and attractive. It's obviously a bit soon to say for sure, but he feels like "the One" to me. This feeling is from my head and my heart.

 

Two weeks ago he became sober and began to attend AA meetings. I've been delighted by his courage, and been supportive. He told me that it would make things touchy for this new relationship, which I know, and I'm in this with eyes wide open, taking it a day at a time....i.e. I know that it's a huge change for him, and that it's time for him to focus on becoming healthy, which he has been doing by attending meetings daily. He's also been going to Alanon for years now, as his family and previous marriage were alchohlics

 

We've kept an honest and open dialogue about all this stuff; in fact one of the hallmarks of this relationship we have is that we communicate incredibly. It ain't always easy, but it's kept things growing in the short time we've been together.

 

Since he's become sober our sex life is almost nil. In fact in the past week, he rarely shows me any physical affection. I've brought this up, and he said he just feels tired, that he's feeling inward, etc.. I can tell he's avoiding intimacy. I can understand on some level, but it's hard on me. I'm not nagging him or sulking, by the way.

 

I'm wondering if any of you men (or women) have felt the way he has when becoming newly sober, and maybe give me some insight.

 

Do you think it would be good to just give him (and myself) space right now? I don't want to go away from him, but I don't want to create resentment for either one of us, either. What do you think?

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

its up to you if you want to stay with him during this period...his body is just getting used to not having any alcohol so maybe that gets him tired..support him if you really care about him dont ask for too much just be there for him sooner or later you will see your sexual life will be as good as you want it..no pressure...caress his back and arms and cuddle up to him maybe then his hormones will wake up lol

 

good luck!

[AHIWON]

Polywog, most men are interested in sex and at the infatuation period of your relationship if he isn't then something else is at play here. It could be a lot of things, mental illness, addicted to porn, you name it. As a man, I've never had any kind of sex problems even in a bad relationship. In a good relationship sex is incredible and intense. You may be setting your self up for another disappointment. I have perhaps rebounded myself and you can read about it in my latest post in the divorce and separation forum in that nasty horrible thread about my separation with my X.

 

I'll never forget the fun we had talking about giving your X back the dog after rolling in the rotten dolphin stuff on the beach. That was priceless!

[littlekitty]

Art Critic might be able to comment on this?

 

I spent some time googling but didn't come up with much. One message board (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/136759-i-see-sex-drive-loss-not-uncommon.html) mentions it, but not everyone agrees that the Detox is causing the lack of sex drive.

 

Personally I wouldn't be surprised if it was. He's learning to do everything sober, and that must be a big change.

 

Perhaps the best thing to do is communicate with him about how he would like you to handle things? Are you going to Alanon? It might help you too.

[polywog]

Thanks, you guys... your replies were very reassuring and helpful, and that link was very good.

 

It's been a while since the original post, and things have gotten better, a bit. My libido is pretty high, and the guy is 48, so that might be one reason for all this. The other is that I've had to face my own codependency issues once again, as it's been an ongoing problem for me. I used to go to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings years ago when my marriage (to an alcoholic who was in denial) ended.

 

It seems I am attracted to this pattern, and when I was married I was the one who was sexually withdrawn. My last relationship (9 years) was with an emotionally unavailable man, so obviously, given my pattern, he was a delicious treat to me sexually.... no real deep connection was available.

 

Now I am facing all sorts of issues that only a relationship can bring up. What is a good thing is that we communicate really well. But the sex thing is a bit scary to bring up with him. It's better than when I posted, but I have to examine my own dissatisfaction. Is it because I need "proof" that he "loves me", or is it just physical incompatibility? The last thing he needs is to feel inadequate, especially since he's getting down to serious, painful business. Does this make sense, given what I've said about my own crap?

 

My guess is that he has been a bit withdrawn because of the intimacy issues he is bravely facing due to becoming sober. His childhood was fraught with neglect and subtle emotional abuse from his alcoholic mother (he has a good and realistic relationship with her now, eyes wide open). He has said that he is "not himself" and that he is really more affectionate than he is right now, in the beginning of his sobriety.

 

I am, at this point, just deciding to take all of it "one day at a time", and make myself focus on my own life, which I've allowed to get a bit derailed by "love", a pattern of mine. I am thinking of going to Alanon, though CoDA would be ideal.... there are not any CoDA groups here, and I am not in a position to start on right now.

 

Anyhow, thanks for replying.... I knew I could rely on LSers for good support, I do love this place!

[polywog]

Sorry guys... double posted, this is my edit!

[Trialbyfire]

polywog, I wish I could offer some sage advice but I can't. The issues you're experiencing are way beyond me. I can only offer support. ((hugs))

 

Do go to Alanon. It's worth it from what I've been told.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm wondering if any of you men (or women) have felt the way he has when becoming newly sober, and maybe give me some insight.

 

I was on “your” end of it some time back.

 

It was explained to me that chemical addictions (whether drugs or alcohol) over time replaces the brains natural ability to produce it’s own dopamine. Dopamine is one of the chemicals responsible for our feeling “pleasure” or stimulus. The action/reward mechanism in our brains is what motivates us into certain behaviors necessary for our survival. We must eat to live, so food brings us pleasure. We must mate to produce offspring, so sex is enjoyable and gives us a natural high.

 

However, the pleasure center of our brains stops producing it’s own “high” when we alter it by introducing artificial chemicals to take the place of our bodies natural production of these chemicals. The longer one uses chemicals, the lazier our brain gets in producing its own. The brain than switches gears, and suddenly it’s survival mechanism is no longer about the simple pleasures like (food or sex) ... but the driving force becomes all about getting that “next fix.” Which is why many people in recovery eventually relapse ... or replace one chemical addiction for another.

 

Similarly, your husband is now starving his brain of the chemical it depended on to make him “feel good.” It may take a little while for his natural dopamine production to readjust and kick back in. During that time, he may find it difficult to feel any sort of pleasure in those everyday things that most of us enjoy ... “sex” being one of them. He may seem agitated, “flat-line” or even depressed for a while. This is to be expected. Fortunately, the sooner the person quits their addiction, and the “younger” they are, the better the brain’s chances are for bouncing back. However, the longer one uses, and the older they are, the slower the brain is in its ability to recover and process it’s own dopamine at the same capacity it once did.

 

Hopefully, your husband has gotten help in plenty of time to turn things around. But it won't be easy for him to override those impulses until his “brain” finally catches up and begins to produce it’s own natural high again. It will take a lot of patience, understanding and vigilance on your part to support him when his “addict think” takes over and he wants to give in. And the “doing it without creating resentment” part can be the most difficult challenge of all. For that, you might want to enlist the help of someone on the professional end of this to help give you the support, insight and tools you’ll need to help you BOTH navigate your way through it.

 

Good luck, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a happy ending. We could all sure benefit from a few more of those!

[polywog]

That was very helpful, Enigma... Thanks! It makes sense. He's not my husband, BTW, he's my recent SO of 4 months. So it's a brand new relationship, this will be interesting. Anyhow, I've learned a lot so far about myself. I hope for a happy ending, too, one way or another.... "Let Go and Let God", as they say in AA.

[polywog]

Well, we've decided to take a bit of a break. Not a break-up, I trust, but some space so that he can dive into his stuff without another being around to get in the way. It's hard for me to trust that all will be OK. But I guess I have no choice right now. Anyone out there in LS been on either end of this before?

[Jade 02]

Hi Polywog

 

Thats nice of you to stand by him,and try to understand,I agree with trialbyfire about the alanon(my mom went when my dad was getting sober,and they made it)

 

Wow I sure wish my hubby would give AA a try,My hubby drinks daily,and doesnt care about anything else but booze(Nope not even I come first) I am trapped,and have to live like this now cuz my mom bought this mobile home for me(paid for),and if I divorce or kick him out,Im afraid I will be homeless.

 

So let your man get some sobriety,and stand by him. I think it will be better for you both as he gets more sober days in him,cuz AA is also about growing up,and learning how to live(IMO). I wish both of you luck,and again your a good person for trying to understand why he wants what he wants.

[polywog]

Thanks for your kind words, Jade.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your husband and his drinking. I don't mean to derail my own thread, but it seems to me that your home is Yours.... your mom bought it for You. Is your fear of losing your home if you divorce realistic?

 

Getting back to Me, I'm giving T space right now, but it's scary... maybe during this time he'll realize that he can't be with me, which sucks. But on the bright side, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship now with someone who didn't know himself, which he's doing right now. And frankly, it gives me space to do the same.... scary, but necessary right now. This year has been a friggin' roller coaster, and I just want the ride to End! I still have not gone to Alanon, but I think I must, soon. Figure out what's up with me and my attraction to addicts and/or damaged souls.

 

In my own way, I'm damaged. by this stuff, too... my mother came from an alcoholic family, and though she didn't drink she had all the baggage that comes with it, and thus it was passed down to us kids. Emotional distance, anger, fear.... that stuff. Ugh! Then I married (and divorced several years ago) an alcoholic/coke addict who never confronted his demons (and came from an alcoholic family himself!).

 

I guess we (I) have to have faith in the Greater Good. This is sure not easy, but it just Is.

[Jade 02]

Hi again poly

Wow I can relate with you so much,and I know how mixed up you feel.

You seem pretty smart,and a have good thinking thoughts right now.

Like alanon will teach us too,(something i might need too)how to deal with ourselves.

But I would like to see you go for yourself,and learn.

I myself have always attracted the drunk/druggy,and ended up being one myself.

That rollercoaster I can relate,also,and it sure can drive a person crazy huh? I wish I had some magic words but I guess we have to go,and find a way off the rollercoaster ourselves. But I sure can stop by andd let ya know,im rooting for ya.

[Storyrider]

Hi poly my friend.

 

I don't know if this is oversimplifying things, but could it be that he doesn't like being intimate when he's sober? Maybe he just associates intimacy with alcohol and has to relearn what it is like to be intimate without that lubrication.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Well, we've decided to take a bit of a break. Not a break-up, I trust, but some space so that he can dive into his stuff without another being around to get in the way. It's hard for me to trust that all will be OK. But I guess I have no choice right now.

 

Best thing for both of you, Poly ... especially for you.

 

Sobriety must be something that the individual wants bad enough to do for themselves. And staying sober requires that they be able to maintain without depending too heavily on the people closest to them to become their sole crutch. That’s what the objective support of AA meetings and councilors are for. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to become the person who monitors his drinking and nags him into sticking with the program. In spite of your best intentions, that’s what inevitably builds resentment and quickly sucks the joy and romance out of a relationship early on.

 

There’s also a fine line between “supporting” someone and becoming their only reason for abstaining. If someone depends too heavily upon you to govern their behavior and KEEP them from back sliding, than there is a higher probability that they will begin using again the moment they feel you’re not there for them ... or Gawd forbid, you’ve finally had enough and decide to exit. And most people in these situations eventually begin to feel “trapped” by the guilt. They want to leave, but worry that if they do, the other guy is going to relapse and they’ll somehow be responsible.

 

Developing and maintaining a happy, mutually beneficial relationship between two individuals requires enough vigilance and care on both people’s parts even in the best of circumstances. You certainly wouldn’t want to start one out with these kinds of odds stacked against you (again ).

 

Remember ... you have to stick with your program, too! No more martyring yourself to dysfunctional relationship partners. No more bargain shopping for fixer-uppers. Recognize your own pattern and willfully break it. Believe me, if you can maintain and endure even in those times of occasional loneliness, you will find yourself in a great relationship one day.

 

Well ... that is unless you actually miss all the folks in those CODA meetings.

[polywog]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for your replies.

 

Story, old LS pal, yes it has occurred to me that the alcohol made him feel safer in an intimate realm. He has had several periods of abstaining, but I don't know what his sex life was like during those times. He was married to an alcoholic and in a relationship with her for 25 years... when she became sober, he stopped drinking, too, and started attending Alanon but not AA. Not sure what happened between them sex-wise during that time, but I do know that their sex life was almost nil for most of the relationship. When we commenced our relationship we had wine with dinner almost every time, so we didn't have a "sober" sex life either. After he became sober (35 days ago and counting) we had sex (which mostly I initiated, also after not drinking) which was good, but somewhat restrained on his part.

 

Jade, nice to hear from you & I send my best vibes your way, hoping we both heal.

 

Enigma, I know that common sense dictates that we be separate right now. But here's the thing.... we both have eyes wide open. Neither of us are young, both of us are pretty self-aware (despite his problems, and mine). He will not need a mate to keep him on course, that I know. His relationship to booze is more emotional than physical, that I know, and can elaborate in another post.

 

I'm not convinced that moving on and away from each other is going to be the way we go, ultimately. I'm open to see what happens, and wanting to grow from my connection to him. We connect on levels neither of us has had before.... intellectually, emotionally, and tho it's corny to say this, romantically. Our communication and honesty with each other is uncommon, as both of us at this point in our lives are pretty fearless about looking into ourselves and willing to risk all to be whole. This confrontation of problems has thrown a wrench into things, of course.... but my optimistic self thinks it's for the greater good of both of us. Whether this results in a long-term relationship is yet to be seen, but I ain't going anywhere or looking for anyone else right now. Nor am I going to wait around for him, though of course my most babyish self Wants to! It's a leap of faith, to be sure. And it's not lost on me that it's only a relationship of 4 months or so.

 

In my own life, I've wanted (subconsciously) to replace the father I lost at age 5.... I know now that this informs my choices in men, and it's a battle I need to fight, because I'm an adult and don't need my partner to fulfill that role.... and don't want him to. I want an equal, ideally. And I need to become that equal partner/adult myself (while keeping my inner baby:laugh:).

 

My task right now is to learn to "parent" myself.... and it's danged hard for me! Oy!

[Art_Critic]

Hey Poly..

 

It sounds to me that he is struggling with his sobriety and he is keeping you at arms length so you don't see him fail if he does..

 

He may also be dealing with the reality of denial and with you near him his denial has to struggle up against admitting that his life has become unmanageable and that he is powerless over Alcohol.

These are his struggles that he has to get thru himself and you can't do it for him.

He may chose to go right back to drinking instead of choosing sobriety.. which would be his choice.. but he has to make it..

 

It can take 90 days and 90 meetings for some sobriety legs to start to to have some strength.

At the time of your first post in this thread he was only 2 weeks sober.. his head hasn't cleared yet..

It can take a month or so for the fog to clear..

He also might not be nourished properly after quiting drinking..

We Alcoholics tend to get liquid nourishment and when we quit drinking we become malnourished somewhat if we don't take supplements.

 

I think you need to let him pull away for now and see what happens.. let him know you are there for him if he needs you..

 

Have you looked into any codependent self help books?.. You may be pulled to this type of person and very well may have some codependent tendencies that you might want to look into if that is the case.

[polywog]

Ah...Art! I was hoping to hear from you!

 

Yes, the 90 day thing has crossed my mind. But the failure thing did not occur to me. It makes sense.

 

Yes, I have codependent tendencies to be sure! I used to attend CoDA meetings in the past which were great. Where I live now there aren't any meetings, and I'm tempted to start them up, but really do not have the time right now.

 

I suppose I will try out Alanon, but have not gone to any meetings yet.

 

I do want to stick by this guy, because he's so great and brave, among other things.

 

So thanks from the bottom of my heart for checking out this thread, your input means a lot.

[Art_Critic]

But the failure thing did not occur to me. It makes sense.

 

 

I suppose I will try out Alanon, but have not gone to any meetings yet.

 

I do want to stick by this guy, because he's so great and brave, among other things.

 

So thanks from the bottom of my heart for checking out this thread, your input means a lot.

 

No sweat Poly...

 

Alanon might help you in dealing with his withdrawal as well...

 

It's kinda a catch 22 sometimes for us Alcoholics..

 

I'm going to tell you a quick story of my first year in the AA..

I'm not saying in the least that he is drinking..I'm telling you this story to show you how wicked denial can be.. and so you have heard it to think about..

 

I never once lied about my drinking ( I always would tell you how much I drank or I would say.. Yeah.. I'm a drunk ) UNTIL...

I announced to the world, my family and the girl I lived with at the time that I was an Alcoholic and admitted that I was powerless over Alcohol and started going to AA meetings..

Then the struggle of denial set in and I would lie to cover up my drinking.

 

I went to AA meetings almost everyday for a year drunk off my ass till it stuck...

 

I kept on keeping on until I finally hit my bottom but I had already publicly admitted I had a problem and went to meetings..

So I would lie to cover my drinking.. I hid bottles.. I lied at work...

 

All denial..

 

It was a struggle that was going on internally inside me that I had to fight..

 

I have now been sober just over 20 years..

My last drink I really admitted to myself and not just to the world that I was powerless over alcohol..

 

I think the guy you are dating is struggling with his powerlessness and his internal struggles..

You said he is a good guy.. I'll bet he is.. I'll bet he also makes it stick..

He will make it...

and you will be with him when he gets thru it...

[polywog]

Ah Art....

 

Interesting tale.

 

It has occurred to me that T could be doing this as well. No judgement of him on my part, god knows, but....

 

He told me before he got sober that eating bananas would cover up the smell of alcohol, something he learned from a heavy drinking friend. This stuck in my head.

 

T always seems to have bananas around lately! Maybe just a coincidence, but your story makes me wonder. I've not been one to pry through cupboards, and now that we are taking the break it's moot.

 

I have boatloads of compassion for him and would not judge him if he was secretly still drinking. God knows, facing my own demons gives me a lot of compassion for others. And I admire and love him as he is, so whatever.

 

Thanks so much for your story, Art. You're a gem!