her past, my past... need help

[sillyman]

This is a bit long, so my thanks and admiration to anyone who makes it through.

 

 

First, my past: I was raised Mid-West USA fundamentalist christian, in church three times a week, dragged to multiple purity banquets (ask if you dare), made to swear repeatedly to “save it for marriage”, taught to believe that sex is a beautiful physical expression of love between two caring people… between heterosexual married couples, of course, all other cases being abominations which stain and shame the participants.

 

Well, that lasted until I was about 20, when my recovery began. I realized that I didn’t believe the things I was raised to believe, but couldn’t admit it openly until I was about 23. I had realized early on that I was not attracted to the christiany, virginy type of girl I had been taught to admire, but I was still far too confused to go after any woman that I was interested in. The years 23-25 were very lonely, as I began seeking a relationship. Being a mid-twenties guy who had never had a girlfriend, sex, or even a kiss, I was very awkward, and didn’t get anywhere.

 

Finally, in my 26th year, I was ready, or the planets aligned, whatever. My neighbor, with whom I had been smitten since the first day I saw her standing in her yard, broke up with her boyfriend. We hit it off and started dating. Over the course of a few months, we began falling in love, became ‘official’, and a couple months later, started making love. We’ve been together over two years now and both want to get married.

 

So, her past: Unlike me, she actually has one. She had a couple of awful experiences in high school, the kind of war story many young girls seem to put themselves through around 17. Then, right after high school, she met a guy in his mid-20’s who was initially sweet and attentive. They stayed together for her first 2 & ½ years of college, but he gradually became more neglectful and sullen. Eventually, they broke up.

 

Now, here’s what I need help with: After rescuing myself from my religion, I realized that although I was still a virgin, there was about a 0% chance that I would end up with another virgin. Any girl I fell for would have a past. When my girlfriend told me about hers, during the early part of our relationship, I think I was actually okay with it. However, the more serious we have become, the more it has begun bothering me. I now have cycles where I can’t stop thinking about it, and it really hurts. I try telling myself that the past doesn’t matter, only the present. I tell myself that all that matters is that she loves me now. I tell myself that she owns her body, not some guy she slept with, and that her past experiences have only helped to make her the amazing woman that she is.

 

These arguments are all very reasonable, but have done nothing to stop my hurting. How can you reason with sadness? Maybe I’m over-possessive, maybe I’m stupidly jealous, maybe I’m a small-minded idiot who can’t just “get over it”, I don’t know. I don’t care what I have to do, I just want to get through this. I want this woman, I love her, she’s the most brilliant, sweet, funny and beautiful woman in the world, and my god, she loves me too! I have no reason to be unhappy about anything. With her, my world is brighter than I ever thought it could be.

 

I just need to stop hurting over this one little thing. And it’s only getting worse. Any advice? Any been there’s? Anything at all would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Kat]

I don't know if this will ease your mind at all but I will share my side of things.

 

I am "kind of" in a relationship like yours. I have a past and my b/f doesn't really. He has been with only a handful of partners and all were in a long term relationship.

 

Then there is me, little miss trouble who started young and well, had a teenager hood most people hate. I have slept with several people and I don't care for, or remember, most of the guys I have been with.

 

I am in love with my b/f and I do not to think about, fantasies about, or long after any of my past 'lovers'. Just because someone has had a past with people of the opposite/same sex, doesn't mean that it makes them any less capable of love and faithfulness.

 

Be happy in the fact you have been together for so long and that (from what I gather) it has been great. I doubt she would think about her past in any way that would male you uncomfortable.

 

It is all good, we all have past's, but just make sure you are her future

 

Good luck

[Tony T]

I have made love with a number of females, I won't give the count but a number, and never, ever, ever once have I ever been curious about how many men each has slept with. It just isn't any of my business as long as the lady is disease free.

 

This is YOUR problem. Your lady has done nothing at all wrong and she's right there with the majority of women her age who have had multiple partners since they entered the dating scene.

 

I'm at a total loss as to why you would be upset or jealous. This is life, man! I am at such a loss I can't begin to help you. The only thing I can suggest is that you embrace and become one with reality. You have attended way too many purity banquets.

 

I respect that some people save themselves for marriage. But I also respect that most young people are sexually active and for me to require that every female I get interested in be a virgin or of very limited sexual experience is just plain INSANE!!!

 

Perhaps seeing a licensed counsellor would help you sort out your feelings. You better do this now because it's not likely you'll meet very many virgins at your age...perhaps one or two. And, to be honest, first experiences with virgins aren't all that grand.

 

You're a whole lot better off being with a female with some experience. Most of the problems you are having are directly due to your religious training and you long held beliefs regarding the matter. Religion can sometimes screw up your head real bad. Instead of beating yourself all up and being depressed, I think you ought to be celebrating.

 

Just know that God did not assign one vagina for every penis and vice versa. He gave man a free wheel, a sex drive, transportation, pick up lines and all the other tools to enjoy the opposite sex prior to marriage.

[tanbark813]

I second what Tony posted.

 

Also, and I'm just throwing this out as a shot in the dark, is it possible that one of the reasons why you're so hurt is not so much because she has a past, but that you don't?? Maybe it's frustration, guilt, anger, whatever.. that you may be feeling like you missed out on something since you had to overcome the brainwashing you were subjected to in your younger years.

 

I dunno, just a thought. Maybe I just need more coffee.....

 

 

[jessicakicksbut]

One thing you have to realize is that everyone makes mistakes. Don't hold her accountable for her past if she regreats what she did, and doesn't want to be like that anymore...she is a changed woman!

[sillyman]

I just wanted to thank everyone for the responses, especially Kat and Tanbark.

 

Kat, it’s nice to hear from someone else that a person’s past doesn’t have to threaten their present ‘lover’. I know my g/f loves me and is completely faithful to me. The fact that she’s had a few sexual partners besides me doesn’t change those things at all.

 

Tanbark, you were right about my regrets, even though I don’t think I mentioned it. I’m definitely not at peace with the person I was. It’s embarrassing and painful remembering what I used to think and believe. I feel cheated that my teenage memories are all just wishful thinking, rather than the experimenting and learning that most people have. However, Tony says I should be celebrating, and he’s right. I’m happy to be away from those old beliefs and to have a much broader view of the world. Having the messed up head of a recovering religious fanatic is greatly preferable to remaining a fanatic!

 

Tony, I have never thought that my girlfriend has done something wrong, and after renouncing christianity, the question of virginity/experience has never been any consideration AT ALL in whether or not I become interested in a woman. The only reason I know about her past is because she wanted it to be out in the open. I’m aware of the reality that most people have multiple partners, and I’m fine with that. I already know that I’m the freak, and I would NEVER dream of expecting others to conform to my freakness. I’m well aware that the problem is with me. I know that this is something I need to just let go of, but that’s what the whole problem is. How do I let go of something that really bothers me? The fact that you’re at a complete loss as to why I would be upset or jealous, probably means that you can’t really help me out on this one. I’m guessing, you’ve never experienced irrational, unreasonable jealously, lucky for you. At this point, all I know is that it doesn’t go away on its own, and it doesn’t go away when you identify it as being irrational and unreasonable. I’ve seen a counselor once, a couple of weeks ago, and will be seeing her again soon, hopefully on a regular basis until I get this sorted out.

 

Thanks again for the responses, everyone. You’ve all brought up some positive points for me to think about next time that cloud of negativity swarms over me.

[Carly]

"The only reason I know about her past is because she wanted it to be out in the open."

 

Maybe there is a lesson here for your girlfriend: she talks too openly about her past, and it is disturbing for her boyfriend to hear about it.

 

As you say, it's not that you think she has done anything wrong, and it doesn't sound like you are angry or judgemental of her. It sounds like it just isn't pleasant for you to hear about her sex life.

 

To be honest, I would share your sentiment. Actually, there are LOTS of other normal, non-shameful things that I wouldn't want to hear about from my partner either (e.g., every time he craps), nor would he want to hear about me (everytime I change my menstrual pads).

 

That is why mature adults practise discretion in what we say to each other about intimate bodily things, including sex with previous lovers.

 

OK, she erred in telling you too much. And you aren't exactly easy-going about these indiscretions. Just tell her that you're the queasy type when it comes to hearing about other people's sexual intercourses, and maybe you should drop the matter from your discussions. There are plenty of more enjoyable topics to discuss than her past sex life!!

 

Apparently neither of you were raised in an environment that prepared you well for handling delicate issues. But hopefully you're both learning as you go. And hopefully you are not planning on becoming a sex therapist! lol

 

Now take your lesson in hand, and go next door calling on your new girl. Have fun.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think I understand, first hand, what you might be thinking and feeling right now. But like me, your anxiety will pass eventually as you and your partner spend more time together and develop a stronger bond.

 

Although our circumstances are different, I was in the same quandary as you. Married at a very young age (nineteen) I did not have the opportunity to acquire many sexual partners throughout my life. I was with the same man for 15 years. Then, when I suddenly found myself dating again at age 35, I was stunned to discover how much the attitudes towards casual sex in the single world had changed while I was living in my proverbial domestic bubble.

 

Many of the men I dated had been single and dating for as many years as I had been in an exclusive relationship. They had been with DOZENS of women and the thought of being intimate with even one of them terrified me. They were great people, but they had “been around” and with the risk of S.T.D.s and Aides, I wasn’t about to subject myself to any risk. In my naïve eyes, the more partners a guy had, the greater the potential that he was walking Petri dish! I also concluded that anyone who jumped from bed to bed so frequently certainly wasn’t someone who could remain faithful to one person for any length of time.

 

Shallow minded, I know. But like you, I was viewing the world through my limited perspective given my own life experiences.

 

I then met someone three years ago who I fell madly in love with. Before the relationship became intimate, I asked all the usual questions and we discussed our sexual past quite openly. I know that there are some who say that you should never disclose this information, but for me, I need to know (for health reasons) who I’m about to involve myself with. And if there’s something about my past that may affect my current relationship, I’d rather my partner hear it from me before getting the information from someone else. After all, it’s a small world and you can’t run from or hide your past. It always has a way of coming back to bite you!

 

Like you, I was a bit startled to learn that my partner had been with so many women. I suppose the information was a double-edged sword. While I was relieved that it was all out in the open and that he was honest enough to share this part of himself with me, it bothered me for quite some time. I don’t believe that I was being judgmental…but maybe subconsciously I was. I realize that perhaps if I had been single for over 30 years, I too may have acquired a few more “notches” on my belt! But I think there is still a lingering double standard in society when it comes to women vs. men. If a woman has had multiple sexual partners, in some regards she is looked at unfavorably. While for men, it is not only “okay”…but almost expected of them.

 

I think the fact that your girlfriend was so honest with you concerning her past speaks VOLUMNS about her integrity…more so than the actions of her past. None of us are perfect, and we are all guilty of misjudgments and mistakes along the way. After all, life is an aggregation of lessons that mold us into the strong individuals that we eventually become. Your insecurities will subside eventually, as this relationship grows stronger. But only if you focus less on your partner’s past and more on your time together. Soon, you’ll look back at all those horror stories in somewhat disbelief because it will be a total contradiction to the person you’ve come to know her as during the time she has spent with you.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm going to put another spin on this -- probably an unpopular one.

 

First I want to say you are not a freak. Get that out of your mind.

 

I, too, was raised to believe as you did. Sex was a holy union between two people who made a life-long commitment to each other (i.e. marriage) and to give up ones virgin sanctity was a very shameful act - an abomination before God. Does that sound like the way you were raised?

 

Men were excused from this for some unfathomable reason, but women were bound to this an carried a mark for life if they had sex before marriage -- remember reading The Scarlet Letter in school?

 

I don't look back and think of it as brainwashing, but simply a time in society where such things were normal and accepted. Beliefs and religious practices change all the time. I remember when priests could only be men, and could not marry.

 

I left strict organized religous practices a long time ago, but I do still believe that sex should not be casual and I, personally, would feel embarassed to claim multiple partners. I don't look down on others - that's not my place. It's wrong for ME and I am not ashamed to believe that way. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. It's too personal and vulnerable an act to be given lightly. That is how I believe.

 

My husband had multiple partners before me. It was acceptable for a man. My brother-in-law was a virgin when he got engages. His fiance had multiple partners before him and no matter what he told himself, he felt like he needed to "even the score" to be happy in a marriage. He wanted to be on an even footing when he went into the marriage and he didn't want to feel like he gave up something in his life. They struggled with this for a long time and ended up breaking up because he couldn't get past it.

 

Some years later he fell in love with someone else and had similar feelings and they went to couples counseling. That helped some, but it wasn't until he went to a Christian counseling that he was able to accept the differences. The minister, who was also a Ph.d and a liscenesed phychologist, was able to tell him that what he learned in church growing up, and from his family, is not the whole story or the whole truth in christianity. He explained how religious beliefs tied in with current societial beliefs an how the two can live happily together and how to deal with the conflicts.

 

It helped my brother-in-law to accept his upbringing and understand why today's society seemed to be in such conflict. He was able to justify his feelings and accept the differences. So is is wife, who was always honest with him about her past and was hurt because he was hurt by it.

 

I consider myself an agnostic. I don't disblieve in God, but I don't fully believe in him either. I don't follow any organized religion, but I still believe that abortion is wrong and the sex should be between a committed couple - preferably a married couple. I was not a virgin when I got married and my husband was not my first, but my second. After my first experience with sex I decided that I wanted to wait. I didn't feel comfortable with being sexually active - it was a moral decision on my part, and one that I stuck with until I met and married my husband. That doesn't mean that I didn't have physical urges or desires and I struggled with that when I was dating. I had a couple of long-term dating relationships, but they finally left me when I wouldn't have sex with them. I didn't blame them, and frankly, I was relieved that I didn't have to keep saying no. Then I would get lonely and start dating again and the cycle would repeat. When I did meet my husband I was glad I waited for a multitude of reasons and I never felt like I missed out on anything. In a way, I feel like others have missed out by not waiting because I think sex confuses things in the long-run. That is just my own feelings and not a yard-stick to go by. Everyone is different.

 

I was taught that homosexual relationships and mixed-race relationships were abomination too, but I don't believe that at all. Love is not sex and the people we love are not physical, but character, personality, laughter, humor, morals, beliefs, mind, etc., so who cares how we are packaged.

 

Maybe some couples counseling, or even Christian couples counseling might help you. Maybe to expand on what you were taught as a child and put closure to the narrow-mindedness of it.

[tanbark813]

"but women were bound to this an carried a mark for life if they had sex before marriage -- remember reading The Scarlet Letter in school?"

 

The Scarlet Letter was about adultery, not sex before marriage.

 

 

As for your main question, sillyman:

"How do I let go of something that really bothers me?"

 

Whenever I have a problem like this, I like to think about it with the tables turned. From what I understand from your post, this is the only girl you've ever done anything sexual with, correct? Well, imagine if you did have a busy sexual past and had been with plenty of other girls. Would that affect how you feel about your current gf? I doubt it. And I'm willing to bet that she probably feels the same way.

 

What matters is how she treats you now. The past is just that: the past.