My g/f went to her ex's place & didn't tell me

[euan]

I have been seeing my girlfriend for 4 months. She is still in contact with her past 2 ex-boyfriends - which she sees as normal. Even though they broke her heart - she doesn't want to remain bitter and wants to maintain the friendship.

 

To be honest - I struggle with this because my ex cheated on me twice - and I have no desire to see her - and that was a 15 year friendship! But then maybe I am more bitter than some!!

 

We have discussed this situation and my girlfriend says I have nothing to worry about - I know for a fact that she has never cheated and she has always told me if she has spoken to her last boyfriend Simon. Until last Friday...

 

She was leaving work on Fri night and rang me to say she had a headache and was just going home. I caught up with her on the weekend - which was great - but then I decided to check her messages on her phone - yes I was snooping....

 

It turns out she went around to her ex's (Simon's) place on that Fri night. He send her a text asking what she had been up to - she said she had just finished work and was going to have a glass of wine at home. He said why don't you call around and watch a DVD or play scrabble? She replied 'cool'. The next day he then sent her a message saying she had left the bottle of wine at his place.

 

When I saw her on the Sat morn she said she had gone to bed at 10.30pm the night before....which she may well have....

 

Now - this may all be very innocent. Do I think she did 'anything'? No. But why didn't she tell me she was going there? I know she would answer - because it would freak you out!! And has it ever - unfortunately I found out the wrong way!! (By the way - we did have a GREAT weekend together - went to a few functions - a VERY loving time)

 

How do I bring this up though - I snooped and found this on her phone. I'm not even meant to know she saw him. I know she's thinks she was protecting my feelings by not telling me - but now this is worse.

 

Weird thing is she doesn't hide her phone - I can easily access it - and she didn't delete those messages - which if she thought there was anything to hide - surely she would have??

 

This all makes me really anxious - but then I don't want to come across as a needy, jealous boyfriend and the last thing I want to display is baggage from my last relationship - that being I can't trust partners - and in particular men!

 

Any advice - much appreciated. Cheers Evan

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be acting? These are huge red flags. She tells you she wishes to stay home because she has a headache and then goes over to ex boyfriend's house with a bottle of wine? You would have to be in utter denial not to believe something happened. In addition, it shows how little respect she apparently has for you and your relationship. She sounds like a manipulator. Why would you wish to settle for this?

I hate to break this to you but this is not what a girlfriend does. She lied to you.

[Cobra_X30]

Hey I went through this 4 months ago!

 

Here is what you do! Tell her you you've heard some stuff. Then ask her exactly what she did Friday evening.

 

Watch if she tells you the truth or lies.

 

DO NOT under any circumstances tell her how you know anything. Just that you've heard some stuff!

 

If she lies, bust her chops on it!

 

I'm serious, this will work amazingly. You need to be vague, yet so confidant that you know everything. If she did something wrong she will be immediately more interested in lieing or spinning that she will give up all kinds of info.

[squeak]

Yeah Cobra's advice is good, here is what you need to realize:

a) she broke plans with you because she had a headache

b) her ex texts her, and now her headache miraculously doesn't matter, she makes time to stop by and see him-with alcohol-at his house!!

c) she deliberately omits this to you

 

That she leaves her phone around, could have deleted it, blah blah blah don't drive yourself nuts with misc. stuff:

 

and don't lost the main points here-she couldn't make time for you and made time for an EX then lied to you about it.

 

But cobra-what should he do if she gets uncomfortable and fesses up? And does the 'ol "but baby-I thought you'd get upset so I didn't tell you-see you're upset!!" line?

[Cobra_X30]

But cobra-what should he do if she gets uncomfortable and fesses up? And does the 'ol "but baby-I thought you'd get upset so I didn't tell you-see you're upset!!" line?

 

Then he gets to choose.

 

Me, I said... sorry I can't be involved with someone like you! If you wont trust me, I wont trust you. 4 Months later she still asks for a 2nd chance!

 

Him, I would suggest this:

 

You lied to my face just because you THOUGHT I might get upset? Well now I am upset... because you LIED believing I am STUPID, TRUSTING and wouldnt find out! You used my trust for you against me. Thats horrible.

 

What are you going to do to try and regain my trust? I want to give you another chance, but you need to give me a reason!

 

That sound do-able?

[LakesideDream]

That's why you are GF/BF not married with kids. Time to stop dating her, and start dating someone else.

 

If you prefer she doesen't deserve an explaination, or even another email or text, just ignore her and go on with your life!

 

All the wonders of youth! Enjoy it, it doesen't last forever.

[Trojan John]

She probably did not delete the messages because she does not know how to cover her tracks well. Check her e-mail and other things. If you turn up nothing, I owe you a coke.

[zilverenvlinder]

Typical dirty, disgusting cheater.

 

I promise something happened.

 

The worst part about these sick and twisted individuals is that they have SO LITTLE REMORSE for what they do that they are excellent of hiding any feeling of guilt...probably because they do not have that feeling in the first place. I have come to describe all cheaters as narcissists.

 

She was obviously doing something wrong. I would call "Simon" and interrogate him. One of them will cave, I promise. And once they do, leave that bitch and give her the silent treatment. Forever.

 

She may beg you to forgive her, but she will do it again. And if she doesn't, by some crazy chance?... doesn't matter, because it will always be burning in the back of your mind. Always. It's been over four months since my FIANCE, yes, fiance... did this to me. I still think about it. Every single day.

[Krytie TV]

Any advice - much appreciated. Cheers Evan

 

Evan, I suggest you put all of these aforementioned games aside. This is not, and never should be acceptable to you or anyone else. This is downright lying. That is not innocent. To me, and I don't know who else agrees, this is grounds for immediate termination of the relationship. Tell her she can go and drink wine with her ex as much as she wants now.

 

It's only been 4 months. It's never easier than now to break it off. An ex of mine did the same thing. Ex-bf and bottle of wine at the 4 month mark. The difference is I intercepted an email the next day from the boy in question saying how hot she looked in her thong and other things that made me want to vomit. So, understand this hits home for me and that will taint my POV.

 

Alcohol + exes = inexcusable

[oppath]

I was a doormat guy in my last relationship. She wanted to "be friends with her ex" but I guess that meant actively telling him "you're silly" when he would ask "are you dating someone?" to spare his feelings. I thought they saw each other in group situations, but I learned after our breakup, that at least 3 times after we were exclusive her ex would hang out with her all day, and stay up (or spend the night) at her house. She lived with her parents, but that doesn't mean nothing happened! It turns out he proposed to her 1.5 weeks before our breakup, when she sniffed she was dating someone (she dated me for 6 months! she would talk to him once a week! He never knew she had an official boyfriend!), and she acted distant when it happened, but lied to me, accepting christmas gifts from me after it happened, only to break up with me the next time I saw her. Bitter, yeah, I'm bitter, but I learned.

 

New boundaries. Once we agree to date exclusively,

• I expect your ex's, when you talk to them, to be informed you have a new boyfriend.
  
• I would like the option of meeting them, to witness you are JUST friends, if you wish to hang out with them. If that can't happen because "it would be weird" then my response is "then you aren't really just friends with him. Are you ready for a relationship? I support you wanting to remain friends, but because I have some baggage with ex's being in the picture, I need whatever friendship you have to be transparent to me. I wouldn't hang out with an ex without her knowing about you or without you getting the chance to meet her if you wanted."
  

That second one sounds a bit manipulative, but to be honest, I would not hesitate to do those things for a new girl if I were serious about her, and I don't believe in being exclusive unless I am serious about someone.

 

Bottom line is she wasn't feeling well to hang out with you, made plans with her ex, and did not tell you about it. Trust is EARNED, it requires transparency. As far as I am concerned, if a friend canceled or turned me down but then made plans after telling me they weren't feeling well, I'd be pissed.

 

Can you be friends with an ex? Sure. But to me, if I can't meet that ex and be introduced as your boyfriend, as far as I am concerned, you are not JUST FRIENDS.