My husband's ex destroys our marriage and my relationship with my family-in-law

[hardtobeastepmom]

My husband's ex always tries to destroy our marriage. Before my husband gets married to me, she didn't keep in touch with anyone, but after that matter, she begins to be close with my husband's family (her ex-family-in-law and my current family-in-law) and makes up lots of bad stories about me with them to make me loose my honor and my relationship with them. She even begins to keep in touch with my husband's friends and tells bad things about us and makes up story to let them misunderstand us and stop relationship with us. Unfortunately for us, they believe her while we actually don't do anything to harm her; we treat her nicely instead. Till now, when she remarried she still keeps doing that. Even thought I still love and take care of my husband's daughter as my own daughter everytime she comes over. That girl also knows her mom start this war and making up stories but she does not stand up for me or for her dad, she protects her mom and their marriage instead. Do you know what she says to me? She said, I love my mom and want a happy life. I asked, how about me and your dad - We don't start this war and we want a happy life too. What can I do now? I am so down. Especially, that girl with the same tunes comes over every weekend. It's hard to be a good step mother, isn't it. Believe or not, I tried all my heart to be a good step mom but it's still not enough for them. I think he only one reason is I am younger than my husband, but I try my best to please everybody. What can I do more? I tell you a latest story that the ex- makes my family-in-law become to hate me and my little one. Before this matter happened, my husband's oldest sister very often visited us and bought formula cans for my baby (she's 16 months now). We have a good relationship. One day, the ex told the sister that I myself told her daughter (my husband's daughter) that the sister gave us expired date formula cans and had a bad taste. Can you believe it? So, the sister believed it and stopped relationship with us and told me a bad person while I myself did not say anything and her daughter verified that she did not say either and my little one drunk every single formula can that my husband's sister gave us. I am so weak. I cannot rid of those things out of my head and get over it. Please help me.

[littlekitty]

Why is your husband not standing up to his ex wife, or letting his family know that she is causing problem and telling lies?

 

This is his job to do. They are HIS family. I'm sure they would hold him in higher regard than his ex wife? However, if he isn't challenging anything his ex/w says, then how are they to know different?

 

It certainly isn't for your step daughter to get involved in the situation. She shouldn't be put in the middle of this. It isn't fair to put that on a child. And she shouldn't be the one to have to tell your inlaws that her mother is lying.

 

It is ok for his ex\w to have a relationship with your husbands family. She is after all the mother of his child, a child who is part of their family. Although I can understand how this makes you feel uncomfortable, you have to do what is best for the child and that means dealing with their relationship.

[huh]

I agree with Little Kitty, it's your husband's responsibility to speak up and yours, not your step-daughters. Just because her mother has the bad judgment and stupidity to drag her into the midst of this doesn't mean you should follow suit. She's a kid. As for the SIL and the forumula, have you told her that you didn't say those things and that you really apppreciated the formula and all she's done for you?

 

Just behave decently towards your in laws and eventually, they will figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth.

[hardtobeastepmom]

Actually, I don't mean to get my step-daughter into this picture, but you know what...her mom told my family-in-law that she told her mom about the milk. So, if she don't speak out how the family know the truth. And lots of matter that her mom makes up and puts her name on that. I know she's just a kid that's why I love her innocently as my own one but now she listen to her mom and turn into hating me. Her mom even told her that I am the one who tell everyone in the family that my step-daughter jealous to my daughter to make her confused and turn into hating my daughter as well. My husband did speak for me and I myself did the same but no one believes us. Can you believe that the ex- already tell the family that because of my step-daughter scared of us so that she cannot verify the truth that she did say that to her mom and the family told me exactly like that. She remarried now but still look over us while we did not do anything to interferce her family. I don't know what kind of that person. My daughter's just a little one and her aunties give her some milk that it's not cost the ex- a penny...how can she does that to a little one. I don't care about me or my honor anyway but I concern my daughter. I think now I am done with all of them and I don't care what they think about me (bad or good person)...I know myself and my husband understand me and that's all I need.

[amaysngrace]

The thing is you do care or you wouldn't be letting it bother you. No one comes here to post something without caring about it. Yourself included.

 

I think you need to be assertive. You need to speak to your husband about how this is making you feel, ask him to speak up and to tell his exW to back off, and you should also speak to your sister in law...the one who brought the formula.

 

Letting people just think what they want about you isn't right especially if it's untrue. And it's not fair that you have to feel this way either.

 

It's probably hard for you to say something to his sister but you should try to do it. It may be hard for you to say the words without becoming embarrassed or feeling like you're stumbling to get your point across but you should try. Because it would be good for you to stand up for yourself. It's a baby step and it seems big but if you are nice about it then all you will be is nice about it. His sister would probably appreciate knowing that you were grateful about her generosity too. Instead of what she's thinking now.

 

And on a side note, I think once you get divorced you should divorce the family too. Because of situations just like this one.

 

Your husband's exW really needs to get a life.

[huh]

Uhhh yeah right, because a little kid is supposed to stand up to a lying, manipulative adult. Particularly one she lives with most of the time and depends upon for food clothing, etc. Stop putting adult expectations on a child. Particularly one who is tied to the psycho ex for survival.

[RecordProducer]

Hard... it's not the ex-wife who is doing this. It's everybody: the family, the daughter, your husband. I lived through this kind of conspiracy from my in-laws. My husband even stopped contact with his twin-brother, but ultimately it's his fault why he let them in our marriage in the first place. Our marriage is falling apart and we don't see any future for it. But this is not only because of the in-laws.

 

You think it's the ex-wife who is doing this, but trust me, they would never listen to her if they weren't scumbags themselves. They want you out. And if your husband were a real man, you would've never felt like this. But you think about them all the time because he made them a significant part of your life. His sister is a bitch and she too was looking for an excuse to cut contact with you and make you feel miserable.

 

The best you can do is to ignore them IN YOUR HEART. Smile on the outside, but never defend yourself or start any big conversation with them. Keep in mind that this is a little bit of news for your husband. He knew what jerks they were, but still he is confused. Don't ever tell him anything against them unless you really have to tell what happened. Let him see that all the sh*t is coming from that side and you are good. He will have to pick one side sooner or later and you don't want him to pick them, because you have a child.

 

Having a step-daughter sucks, too. I had one in my first marriage and it was very difficult for me. Also, don't ever tell your husband one word against his daughter. He must believe that you love her as your own, even if that's not true.

 

You indeed have many things going against you and the you have a baby. The best you can do is not get upset, if you can. If you can't feel happy because of all the crap around you, your marriage will be doomed. You can't force yourself to feel happy, however. You can only observe your feelings. Please, do yourself a favor and don't invest too much energy into these problems. The amount of effort you put into trying to resolve the issues is directly proportional to the amount of pain you will feel when you fail to achieve anything. Your only goal should be your peace of mind. Don't argue with your husband. Arguments cause divorces. If you have to argue often, it means your husband doesn't understand you - which means there is no point in explaining anything to him for the 100th time.

 

What's the background of your marriage? Where do you live? Where are you both from? How old are you and your husband?

[justice]

This link may help you. God Bless you, you are in the hardest position of all. Hugs.

http://second-wives.com/secondwivesdiscussion/viewforum.php?f=1

[Uhriventis]

If I were you I would kick her ass and be done with it.

[littlekitty]

This link may help you. God Bless you, you are in the hardest position of all. Hugs.

http://second-wives.com/secondwivesdiscussion/viewforum.php?f=1

 

Useful link - thanks Justice.

 

Also try stepfamily.net.

[huh]

Some more thought on this, my guess is that the timing (becoming reinvolved with the inlaws AFTER you & your husband got married) means that she is jealous/worried about your daughter getting attention/resources from the family. And she probably thinks it's going to come at the expense of her daughter. That might explain what's going on here. I agree her behavior is unacceptable and her manipulating her child is just inexcusable. But if that is the case, maybe your husband/husband's family reassuring her there's enough love and resources for all of the kids might help? And even though the step-daughter's behavior is frustrating, please remember, she's just a kid being manipulated by an adult. It's sort of like getting angry at a puppet for what the puppeteer is saying.

[hardtobeastepmom]

She listens to her mom and every time she comes over she fights against us and make our life just like "hell..." (sorry to say that) every weekend. Every weekend she arguments with us and protects her mom side or whatever her mom does. Now what?

[Rachel_0814p]

Your situation really sucks, hardtobeatstepmom! I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with such an evil ex and such unsupportive in-laws.

 

In my situation, I was lucky. My boyfriend's ex-wife was a cold, snotty woman so his family didn't really like her. They accepted her, and it took them a while to consider her family after they were married, but she wasn't really in deep with them.

 

With me, they seemed to accept me right away and always include mention of me in their cards, letters and emails to my boyfriend, and they always expect me to be there when my boyfriend and his kids go to visit them out of state.

 

Also, the ex moved across the country shortly after my boyfriend and I moved in together and took in his kids, so I no longer have her within earshot talking about me and trying to turn the kids, family friends, and neighbors against me. Out of sight, out of mind. And I am sooo thankful!! If she hadn't of moved, I don't know what would have happened. I ended many evenings in tears when she was still in town because of her nastiness. It didn't matter what the situation was, she always managed to penetrate my life in some way. Whether during phones calls to my boyfriend or loud conversations with him in our driveway because she refused to step foot in "our" house. It was so hard not to take it personally when I was making such an effort to be so cordial and open to her and to also take care of her children so well.

 

I guess you have to close yourself off to her and the extended family, and remain open only to your husband and partially open to his children. I say partially there because kids who are not your own always find a way to hurt you, whether they intend to or not. They'll always ultimately side with their mother, out of allegiance, empathy, sympathy, guilt...you name it. It sucks, but you have to sort of stay on the lookout and not get too comfortable with them. Otherwise, you'll be let down.

 

An awesome book that might help you deal with the kid is "Stepmotherhood" by Cherie Burns. It wont help in dealing with the exwife (in fact, I believe this book states that most exes are good people which I just don't think is true!) but there is a lot of wisdom when it comes to dealing with hurt caused by the actions of step children. I highly suggest all step moms read it. Maybe once you close that gap (with the kid) the rest of the issues with his family will start to ease up on their own.

 

I wish I could give you better advice! I know you're in a terrible spot. You at least have my empathy.

[hardtobeastepmom]

Thank you for all of your sharing. I don't know how to helpful they are. I am now living on fire because of the ex and step daughter. Mom made up stories and now daughter follow it (I've post a new threat on this web site about that). I really don't know how to say and how to deal with these people. I cannot concentrate on my own life. I am going down.