Long rant please reach out..

[Camron]

..So we had the talk. I was really reluctant to spill my guts, but its the only thing that will make me feel better at this point. I was going out with my ex for a little over two years. Prior to that, we had been friends, but she had a boyfriend and I was recovering from a six year relationship. I knew her for two years prior to us going out, and I knew that I loved her about a year into our friendship. So we hooked up on Valentines' day(!) and it was pure bliss for about a year and six months. I asked her to marry me, she said yes..

 

 

..So then we started to look for rings. We looked, and she flat out asked me: "How much sould we spend on rings?" She replied, "No more than $5,500." I was floored. I am a college student, paying my own way, and I has bills, you know? But I said nothing. Prior to this, I had been selling narcotics. I started again to pay for all this. Christmas? I spent over $600, on her, I wanted to give her the world and everything in it. But then, I had to be in the streets a lot more, getting on the grind, getting that paper. I gave her her ring in May, we both cried and were happy. Then I had doubts.

 

 

...Was I going to be good enough for her? A problem that I have battled with all my life was self doubt about if the people I loved and trusted would be there for me. So there I was in my most vurnable state, and I wondered if she would be there for me as well. I was angry at her inside. Then rumors about me and another woman began to swirl. (A friends sister) At that point I had talked to the sister only in public sometimes. She began dating one of my friends, so I'd see her at his crib. Thats when the rumors began to swell. My ex began to tell me about these rumors, rumors that another 'friend' began to tell her, and I lost it. Not out of guilt, I've analized this--but out of insecurty that she comfided in another man for comfort. Yes, I knew that he was just a friend, but it brought up bad memories of when I was betrayed by an ex because of advice she had gotten from "A friend." Of course, she ending up living with that 'friend' six moths after we broke up.

 

 

...I was devestated. Hurt. I used to not be able to sleep at night. I didn't tell her about any of this until after a big blow up at Christmas time. So I began talking to this other woman about my feelings. My emotions began to come out at diffrent, crappy angles, and began to get fustrated at my ex's inablity to understand my postion. So I told the freinds' sister more. I began to drink and abuse weed a lot. I boke off our engagement, not sure if she wanted me as badly as I wanted to be with her. Wondering if I was going to be able to make her happy. The ex questioned me one day, after telling me that she "hated" the friend and her sister, if I had talked to her. I lied and said I did'nt. In my mind, I wanted to have something up on my ex, something that was like an 'eye for an eye.' I know now that was immature and stupid, but at the time it seemed reasonable. But talking to the friend only eased the pain a little, and I began see that the whole 'friendship'was not really cool, because it was based on nothing. I unloaded all my problems on her, she on me. That's the extent of our realtionship.

 

....So my ex goes through my mail. She sees the many calls to the freind and rightly so thinks that I am cheating on her. I flip out out of anger of her going through my things and such, and we split up. I called the police and have her escorted out of my apartment. We reconcile, after my friend assures my ex that nothing is going on. After more accusations from the friends, I'm questioned. The friend and my boy split up, and our relationship gets really, really strange. The friend makes off the hand comments about my realtionship, and we get into an argument. Meanwhile Christmas is approaching, and I'm saving for a trip to Mexico for me and my ex. Christmas eve, I cried over my sisters' death, my situation with my friend, and the fact that I was tired of selling drugs. I decide to get some money owed to me by buddy, the one who was going out with my female friend. Of course she is up there. I yell at her when I see my ex's friends closely watching me. Get my money and do two shots. Sideways drunk, I go home, and sit on my couch with a bottle of Moet. The door knocks. Its the female friend. I needed to go to sleep, but she wantedto talk things over. She comes right out and says it: She developed feelings for me. Drunk and very confused (Is this my fault? Is one thing that I remember saying.). I mumble that I can't even go there, and stumble to bed.

 

 

....I was really really drunk and slipped into my bed, the room spinning. The friend is in my room! I'm like yo, pass out on the couch or something. She tells me that she thinks that she is in love with me, and she bends over to kiss me. I turn my head and tell her to leave, I don't need this. So I lay back down, she walks out and I think leaves and moments later I think I hear the bcakdoor. The ex! I am really upset, feeling gulity and all, and she comes in, 3:00am, uninvited. This is something regarded as really disrespectful in the household I was raised in, and I am furious. I tell her to leave, that I sould have left her and that I've had feelings for the friend for a month. I wanted her to hurt. It was sick and wack and something that I regreat saying to this day, and for the rest of my life. She began to scream, and lunged towards the front of the house. I held her, and trying to restain her, picked her up and dragged her back to the door. I had drugs in the crib, and I did'nt want these girls fighting and bringing the cops to my door. She comes in, finds this girls jewerly in my room, and assumes we had sex.

 

....I realize what I have done and try to talk to her about it, but she refuses to listen. She storms out. I feel like killing myself then. But along the way, I found God in my life, and tried to make it all right. Prayed, and tried to call the ex everyday. She relented, and we began to talk. She saw the change in me. And losing her made me realize the path I was taking was not a postive one. I stopped slinging drugs, and began to work hard at school. I never spoke to the friend again, only briefly in January, because I wanted to know from her if I ever said anything inapproprate. She told me that it was mostly on her, and deep down inside she knew that I loved the ex. Bolstered by this, I plowed ahead and even when things came up, I never even rasied my voice, and tried to assure her that I loved her 100%

 

..Towards the end, I even suggested that she take time to herself to mend. I

never wanted to be with anyone else, she was my best friend. So after her friends, who live in the block down from mine, began to make trips around mine, to see if they spotted a Jeep. The former friend is seeing someone around that same block, (I'm not really sure to this day what the hell she is doing, don't really care, but I did not know that the Jeep in question was hers.) So her car is around here at night. Ex's friend reports this all. So the ex moves out all her stuff, calls me at work crying and all, and I see that she is upset, I begin to cry, because I see that she is upset. She accuses me of cheating, again. I'm like, WTF? All I wanted to do, is hang out with my ex.

 

..So the ex goes into my e-mail. WTF? I get a call, and apparently, there was a letter in there from guess who? My name ain't on it, but its some sappy love ****. I mind you never read or see this in my e-mail, but the ex swears that she saw it, and that it had been already been read. I did'nt check my e-mail, only composed a letter to the ex on how I missed her that day. So guess what now? Even though I feel angry and violated, and accuse her of sabotaging our realtionship, I cannot leave her. I think deep down inside, she is hurting, and I want to make it right. Right then, I decide that I will move out of this place in the summer. But I decide that we have to take a break. She is going to New York, and I want her to decide if she really wants us. But of course, in the middle of finals, she shows up at my door at 3:30am. I saw her friend driving around and I begin to call the cops. I was going to call the ex in the morning and tell her that we had to have a talk with her friends. But she shows up. I am at my wits end, and call the police, and have her escorted out of there.

 

....So I realized that she is angry. She now claims that I am like all the rest of her boyfriends, and that hurt me more than anything. She said that I was not anyone to her but just a friend. She says she is tired and is sick of being in this situation. I'm deeply regreatful and realized all the many mistakes I've made, and realize that I was wrong on a lot of things, but this time around, I was really, really honest about everything. But I failed. I feel like such a fool. Take it from me--never let your past effect your future like I did. I've lost my best friend. I loved her so much. I am broken. Please, good or bad, holla at me...

 

[Gray]

Wow man. First off I gotta say I got very confused. Too many friends and sisters and whatever else going on.

 

As I got it, you and the other girl never had any relationship other than talking with each other? Never had sex or anything? And she developed feelings for you, meanwhile your gf (or ex? that confuses me too) gets jealous.

 

It seems like theres a lot of drama in your crowd. I wanna tell you to start over with another girl or another group, but i know i know, easier said than done.

 

Is there anyway you can get away for awhile? A road trip by yourself maybe to think things out? Sometimes people thrive on drama, and (don't be offended) it seems like this might be part of the problem. It seems like it would be better for you to go find a calmer relationship... but that probably won't make you happy. I think the arguing and fighting intrigues you. I've had the same kind of off/on relationship.

 

I don't think i'm helping much, but hopefully not pissing you off... if anything don't think about engagement to make things better. I almost did this once and it would've been a huge mistake.

 

Good luck bro.