Should I trust him?

[lexi29]

so yes, I'm probably making a mistake. I don't need anyone to tell me that as I've had my doubts anyway. But after being depressed and not being able to hang out with friends and just everyone blowing me off I sucumbed to the trap of getting back with the ex that left me after three years without much warning to get back with his ex from 12 years ago. We were broken up for a month (he was with her for 3 weeks) before he called me and wanted me back. Well I held out for a few weeks but this past weekend I agreed to try things again. The weekend I spent with him was fabulous. We were so lovey and sweet toward eachother. It felt like we were starting all over and had all the excitment and intense feelings a of a new relationship. We had been talking before this and I'd seen him wed and friday of last week (we weren't dating then but we were talking about getting back together).

 

Well like I said everything this weekend was wonderful until last night. I didn't see him at all on sunday because I went to my parents house (live 2 hours away). even when we were dating I used to do this almost every sunday. Well last night when I called him his son was there (back from his mom's) and his son said when he saw his dad talking on the phone (you don't need to talk to her you will SEE her tomorrow and plus she was supposed to be at her dad's today anyway. I asked what his son was talking about and he said his son knows I go to my parents every weekend (could be true I dont' really know if he pays attention) The only other person he could have been talking about (who goes to their dad's on weekends) is his 15 year old neighbor girl. My bf is friendly with the family (he invited their mother over for drinks when we were broken up and the kids (2 girls one 15 one 13 come over often to borrow movies and stuff) so the only other person he might have been talking about is the 15 yr old girl. Now I would hate to think my 30 year old bf would be calling a 15 yr old girl (or worse) but honestly at this point its hard to trust him after he left me so suddenly before. I may be blowing this all out of porportion because I'm so nervous about starting this up again.

 

The thing that really bothered me is that he got upset and started saying "why dont' you just TRUST me??" I asked if there was anyone else he was talking to and he said no (and saturday night I asked him what the 15 yr old's name was (because I have some clothes I'm getting rid of that might fit her) and he said he thinks its Melissa (which is wrong, her name is Meranda) so I don't know if he deliberately told me the wrong name to act like he doesn't really know her or what. But his reaction just bothered me. He got really upset that I dont' trust him and said he's not goign to go thru my mistrust again and that was one of the things he didnt ' like about me when we were dating. Maybe I was overreacting but his reaction was kind of odd too. I mean he should be overjoyed I'm giving him another chance, not criticising me about not trusting him.

 

Basically, am I paranoid because I'm scared? Or do I actually have something to be worried about?

[thelegend]

I'm not understanding how you can come on here and say nobody needs to tell you, you are making a mistake. If you know you are making a mistake why go through with it? If you don't have any trust then it's best you walk away because situations like these will continue to happen. Be strong and let him go he's just gonna keep hurting you.

[lexi29]

I said I think I'm making a mistake because in my heart I"m hoping he's changed- that he realized his mistakes (leaving me) and he's ready to be 100% committed to a new relationship with me. That he thought the grass was greener elsewhere and tried that out and found out that he could only put up with "the dream girl who got away when he was younger" for not even 3 weeks!! And part of the reason is because he missed me and realized how good he had it. But the logical part of my brain is saying well he cheated on HER with me after only two days of dating her.

 

 

I mean he thought this ex of his that he left me for was the love of his life and that he was so excited to get a 2nd chance with her (they datd when they were 15 -he's 30 now) and he cared so little about her that he had no problem seducing me when I stopped over (and sex was the last thing on my mind and I turned him down twice) and I mean he pulled out all the stops to get me into bed. It wasn't an oops he didn't realize what he was doing, it wasn't that I went to his house hell bent on getting him in bed (I wasn't dressed up, I didn't flirt or do anything sexual, didn't even touch him) now I didn't know about his new girlfriend at the time either. But he had no problem sleeping with me (twice that afternoon) and then seeing his new girlfrined later that night. Had no problem lying to her. she only found out because I told her by accident. He KNEW exactly what he was doing and didn't care. I mean I almost wish I had a recording of his words and actions that day- he was DETERMINED to sleep with me and cheat on her. and all I did was show up unexpectedly at his house to get the rest of my stuff.

 

So basically that is where my fear lies. I don't have any proof he ever cheated on my but now I know he is totally capable of it and thinks he can get away with it (or at least thats what he said about cheating on HER)

 

I guess the uncertainty of being with him is better right now then the anguish and pain of being without him. I don't have a support system right now (friends are married and those who aren't are in relationships so they dont' have time for me, family lives in diff. states, and I dont share personal info with coworkers.)

[love2byourz]

If hes cheating on his gf, dont think he wont cheat on you. He could be one of those guys who needes a relationship but also needs to cheat or "wander" because it isnt satisfying. Look at what you want, he most likely knows you adn can see through you and knows how to make you weak to him so he uses this to his advantage. Think about what a future would be like with him, if its really what you want.. you'd probably end up being the wife who stays at home and waits for him to come home while he ****s other girls.

[daphne]

In a word no. He doesn't appear to have made just one mistake, but compounds to it. He tried to make you feel special by cheating on the other girl. Don't assume for a minute that that's not who he is, and that he just really loves you. He doesn't appear to have a conscience and that's all him. He'll do it to you, if he hasn't already.

 

As far as his reaction, he hasn't changed at all. If he really made a mistake, he'd be tolerating whatever mistrust you have, knowing that he blew your trust. You took him back really fast and he didn't have any time to really think about what he's done wrong. He wanted you, he got you back. He sounds like a selfish individual so there's no changing. Guys that change are those that have been put through the ringer and lost someone really special. If they ever change at all.

 

My ex told me he'd do whatever he had to do to prove me wrong (that once a cheat always a cheat) and when I'm still asking questions a week later to see if his stories are consistent and whether or not he's telling me the full truth, he said he didn't feel he had to "prove" anything more at this point because he felt he had given me full disclosure. I told him that he was selfish and that if this was his way of proving it to me, so be it. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

The thing is, if you dont set boundaries and let people know that you will walk when they cross them, men like this will ALWAYS push you as far as you'll let them. I would move on if I were you. I've had some very good relationships and they didn't include some selfish dork pushing my buttons to get what he wants and neglecting what's important to me. In the long run, the more you stand up for yourself and resist nonsense in a relationship, the higher your confidence level. ANd I think that puts you in a much better position to meet someone who will treat you better. Ultimately, if you left this guy, in a few years you'd be wondering why you put up with him anyway. You may just attached right now to a fantasy of him being a better person than he is.