Ex Emailed Me...Wanted to Share It

[MattyTee]

It seems that it can often take something like this for us to be able to become who truly are. Self-discovery often, unfortunately, tends to come with great pain.

 

My thoughts are with you brother, stay strong (I'm just using brother until Scorp returns

[Art_Critic]

This has been a definite wake up for her. A big one that will change the way she perceives and processes things now.

 

I would think it was a bigger wake up for you...

 

She is moving on and living her life.. She may be pregnant but that isn't the end of the world for her...

She will now start the process of being a mother and raising a child.. something quite a few women do..

 

You need to leave her be at this point.. If she is dealing with buyers remorse then let her deal with that on her own as you shouldn't be part of her process of healing and dealing with things.. She will need to deal with those things with the father of her child and her family ..

 

I'm sorry it worked out this way for you.. but sometimes when life throws us lemons we make lemonade..

Turn this around and go out and find someone who can truly make you happy...

 

Cheers...

[niceguy27]

Oh no no. Shes not pregnant. Was, but not now due to...

 

Thats what I meant by wake up call for her.

[Art_Critic]

Oh no no. Shes not pregnant. Was, but not now due to...

 

Thats what I meant by wake up call for her.

 

Oh.. I read your post 3 times and didn't catch on to that.. Sorry..

 

I guess you mean abortion with your "...." or a miscarriage ?.. Your post seems to not mention anything about it..

 

Edit...

 

I see it now..

Then to top it all off, she went to the clinic and did the deed.

 

She has to heal dude... it could take months or longer..

If she wants you to be there for her then I would only suggest that you are there only on the friendship basis and no more..

[niceguy27]

I 100% agree. Her and I share a lot of the same morals and I can only imagine how that had to make her feel to go through with it. I know she made her bed and has to sleep in it but...

 

Like I said before, we touched on subjects that we never before had ever discussed. And we were pretty close too. We were more honest with each other last night than ever. We hung out for 6 HOURS! And not once did I try to push anything about us. I now see just how much she means to me. If we develop a close friendship or get back together eventually I know that it will be deeper than anything else we ever had before.

 

I think all in all it was a huge step for us. After everything that has gone down we still both care for each other immensely. A step in a new direction towards a close friendship or something else.

[wowIlose]

Right now your headed in the close friendship direction at 100/mph .

 

I honestly don't think its healthy for you to be around her right now because your feelings are much to strong. You need to put distance between the two of you if you ever want to get back together into a relationship. I am talking months and months with the possibility of it never happening , but at least by than you might have moved and can truly be a friend.

 

She knows how you feel, your a great guy and shown that to her. If you want even the slightest possibility of reconciliation than back off, take a few months and focus on yourself.

 

I'll repeat this one more time.. you can not be her friend if you have feelings for her, which you do.

 

Good luck.

[niceguy27]

I have put quite a bit of distance from her. I have only seen her maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 2-3 months. Each of those times it was only briefly. Last night was the first time we really hung out and had a conversation longer than 5 minutes and deeper than just "hey how you doing."

 

Im looking at this in a real big picture sort of way. So far today I havent once had a relapse of emotions after last night. I think because I did go into it with no expectations or hope, I faired pretty well. If we just keep in contact here and there periodically I think I can handle it.

 

The thing with her is that we both cant handle completely parting ways for good. At least not right now. Until then, I still go out and have a great time with my friends and stuff and I am in no way looking for anyone else. I know I still have feelings for her but they are no where near as strong as when we first broke up. If I have to take baby steps (no pun intended) and go forward with no expectations then thats what I will do with her. She does know how I feel and where I stand so it is up to her as to where anything will go. But Ive gotten to a point where I know my boundries and I wont allow her to pull me along (not that she would) without me being fully aware of whats happening.

[cant let go]

niceguy

 

i'm nearly in tears reading your update. i wish you both the best. you are even stronger than i had imagined. thank you for sharing such a personal story with all of us. you are doing the right thing. with space and time your friendship will thrive because there is truly love behind your actions. I can't remember your story for why she left to begin with. I will look for that post now. But it seems that she still cares for you and is open to being your friend and being honest with you and that is such a huge step in a good direction. you are both learning and growing as people and that is wonderful.

[myhotrod123456789]

I agree with cant let go to a certain extent. If you have been in a serious relationship with someone, you can't go into the "friend zone" without both people wanting it to be so. By supporting eachother and being there for one another, that is how love is shared and rekindled. However, it can be a tortuous task for you since she is still hesitant for whatever reason and you will need to be accepting of that and the fact that this relationship that you currently have may go on for weeks, months, years, decades...

[niceguy27]

I know the "friend zone" is a tricky place to be and to get out of. She has commitment issues that we have discussed and a lot of it stems from father issues when she was a kid (she admitted that much to me) so for the time being, she just flat out isnt ready for a commited r/s with me or with anyone. I am by far the closest she has ever gotten too and have shared such a deep connection with. She knows this and has shared that with me. Just right now she isnt ready to settle down. It came down to bad timing on our part, thus there never really being a concrete "reason" for our split.

 

So establishing a close friendship or borderline r/s with her is going to be hard. I know that. But the opposite of it is to blow her off like she never existed. This sounds dumb but I think that with time and as she matures, she will look back at realize just how much I care for her. I mean, that was a HUGE life changing event that took place with her. And what did I do?? I comforted her. Why? Because I do love her deeply. To know that she experienced something like alone not as my ex but as my friend and a human being really reinforced just how important she is to me.

 

So as long as I go forward with no expectations, I think that we will grow closer than ever before.

[Art_Critic]

You do nothing more than put her down.. Why not just move on ?..

 

Re-read your last post.. you point the finger at her and her issues.. What about yours ?

I count 5 put downs in your last post.. Granted you aren't demonizing her.. but in reality you seem to be blame shifting...

 

I thought you were supposed to have learned about yourself ?

From what I have read in your posts you are far to critical of her and don't have her best interests at heart..

[reboot]

niceguy,

 

I've continued to follow story, but I try to stay out of it. I think you're still leaving yourself wide open. You don't have to admit it to us, but at least admit to yourself. You do have expectations. You aren't interested in being just friends. Everything you say screams this. If it's so transparent to people on an anonymous internet board, how much more transparent do you think it will be to her if you see her? You need to be really careful with your heart. I don't say this to hurt you, I just want you to be honest with yourself.

[heartoutside]

I agree with reboot, I was in a similar "stage" or "phase" or whatever you want to call it a few months back, if not a month back. You can keep your heart open all you want, that is your call, and what people on here tell you do doesn't really matter they are just opinions. But sometimes reading what is on here can help you be honest with yourself, or help you realize that you aren't being honest with yourself. The truth hurts, esp when you have to figure it out for yourself.

[niceguy27]

You do nothing more than put her down.. Why not just move on ?..

How am I putting her down? I sat there and listened to what she had to say. I didnt ask her to tell me. I was expecting a quick 45 min. meeting. Not 6 hours. I just sat there and listened to her.

 

 

I count 5 put downs in your last post.. Granted you aren't demonizing her.. but in reality you seem to be blame shifting...

 

How are those put downs? What I said are things that she has admitted openly to me. When I said something about her realizing whatever in the future is a simple matter of fact.

 

ie You have 2 guys. Guy 1) uncaring, selfish, mean spirited, and cant even go to the doctor with her to be there for her while shes crossing all these protesters lines...Guy 2) Listens to her, compassionate, and sits there and offers support to her in the darkest moment so far of her life.

 

I wouldnt say that directly to her but come on...A woman is with a guy that beats her and then meets a guy that doesnt (just an analogy). Who would the majority of women pick? My point is just that and thats why I mentioned her realizing things down the road. What she chooses is her choice. Its just after seeing some peoples true colors it makes it easier to see what type of person someone wants to be with and this "wake up call" was something that is going to force her to confront things that she has kept buried.

 

I thought you were supposed to have learned about yourself ?

 

Learned? Of course I have. After the split, I did a lot of looking back as to why I developed certain patterns and stuff that carried into our r/s together and caused friction. This is the first time her and I have really seen each other since the split. If there wasnt a "change" in me she would of saw right through that and it only would of been a 45 min. meeting instead of 6 hours. And she wouldnt of felt the need to share with me what she just went through.

 

From what I have read in your posts you are far to critical of her and don't have her best interests at heart..

 

How am I being critical? Again, those "things" that I wrote about her were all things she admitted to. Not me.

 

As far as my heart goes, if I thought it would be that unhealthy for me, I wouldnt of agreed to meet with her. I thought enough time had passed that it would be a fun, casual night. Expectations for the short term...None. Im moving in a couple of months and I know its over over with us. I have a lot of fun with others and dont think about her nearly as much as the first month or two. Thats the reason I didnt say anything about her and I while we were out.

 

Expectations long term...Some. I will admit that. But thats a long time down the road and I'm not holding myself back from anything. She is special to me and until the time comes when we're both ready to let go completely, it will be a mutual thing as we have always and continue to be totally honest with each other.

 

Long term...Don't know. I havent thought that far ahead. If I met someone else, then her and I werent meant to be. If we continue to stay close and develop something more, then we were.

[wowIlose]

You have to sit down and ask yourself what you really want.

 

You want to be her boyfriend or do you want to be her friend?

 

Be honest now. Ask which one your leaning more towards. Based on your posts the answer is obvious. You want her as yours.

 

Problem is if you continue to be her emotional crutch than your dooming yourself to the friendship zone. Of course she will still care for you this way and you can still have a good friendship relationship, but lets be honest.. who wants to be friends with someone your romantically attracted to and have strong feelings towards?

 

Don't take this negatively just think about it.

[niceguy27]

Hmm...Getting all the different angles on this does help me a bit. I am in no hurry to make up my mind just yet. I am trying my hardest to let things happen naturally and on their own. The one BIG thing that will help me out is the fact that I am going to be moving at least 1-1/2 hrs away. Until then, I am working a ton during the holidays so I will be VERY VERY busy for the next couple months.

[carrotgirl]

Nice guy? You know I think you're the nicest guy!

 

But Art Critic made a very important observation. It's an observation I've brought up with you before too. I had different conversation points to offer up at the time, but I see what Art is seeing and it's troubling, not because it seems like your ex is messed up, but because there is never a concession of you being less than wonderfully wonderful nice guy. The problems are always with your ex.

 

Please read this knowing I'm writing with a lot of humility. For instance I would never I ever, ever, ever, ever try to pin all of the relationship boo boos on my ex! That's a good one huh? Seeing the trouble spots GD saw in me wasn't easy. They certainly weren't intuitive. But once there. Whoa! Eyes wide open.

 

Try re-reading your posts as if you were reading some things that a stranger had posted?

 

Carrot

[niceguy27]

I understand and I do thank you guys for the different views. It is reallly helping to shed light on stuff.

 

When we had talked the other night, I had mentioned we discussed A LOT of things including the big one...well, some of those things we talked about were about me and patterns and actions that I did when we were together. ie. I had this picture perfect little life planned out in my head and when she "strayed" from it, I would get angry at her for it. Caliguy would recognize that as a "nice guy sydndrome" (thinking the world "owes" us something in return for our "perfect" behaviour).

 

Example...I "looked" down on people for all kinds of petty things: The way they drove, talked, socialized, ideas, and all kinds of stupid, insignificant things. She used to say I always had a stick up my arse (always kind of joked about it). I never thought I did...Until now. At the time I never would of admitted, nonetheless knew I was even doing that. I was so caught up in this "perfect little world" that I didnt want to change it. In fact, while hanging out, she said something along the lines of, "Nice to see you got the stick out of your arse (jokingly) AFTER we break up."

 

Maybe there are deeper issues with me that caused me to look at those things in that light(?) And to a certain extent, I think maybe I do shift blame on her because she left me and because I was hurt so bad (?). Maybe I was so blown away that she would leave that I started to over analyze every little thing about her, thus "blaming" her for everything (?)

 

I have learned quite a bit about myself though...at least I think I have. I know there are still things I need to work on. One of the biggest things is that I have learned, especially after our talk, is that all these stupid, petty, insignificant things that used to just bother the heck out of me no longer seem like such a big deal. But even before our talk, I saw just how hurt I was and what was the point in getting all fired up over stupid things out of my control??? Politics, people, the way "I" thought things should be...

 

So what do I do about it? How can I look at it objectively??? I would love if there was some sudden epiphany I had that would show it.

[niceguy27]

So how do I confront these issues and the reasons why I tend to do those things like some of you have mentioned (carrot, art critic)??

 

I could use some insight as to how I should go about dealing with them??

[CaliGuy]

I understand and I do thank you guys for the different views. It is reallly helping to shed light on stuff.

 

When we had talked the other night, I had mentioned we discussed A LOT of things including the big one...well, some of those things we talked about were about me and patterns and actions that I did when we were together. ie. I had this picture perfect little life planned out in my head and when she "strayed" from it, I would get angry at her for it. Caliguy would recognize that as a "nice guy sydndrome" (thinking the world "owes" us something in return for our "perfect" behaviour).

 

Yep. "Covert contracts."

 

Example...I "looked" down on people for all kinds of petty things: The way they drove, talked, socialized, ideas, and all kinds of stupid, insignificant things. She used to say I always had a stick up my arse (always kind of joked about it). I never thought I did...Until now. At the time I never would of admitted, nonetheless knew I was even doing that. I was so caught up in this "perfect little world" that I didnt want to change it. In fact, while hanging out, she said something along the lines of, "Nice to see you got the stick out of your arse (jokingly) AFTER we break up."

 

Looking down on other people is a sign of your own insecurities. You talk down to others within your own head as a way to boost your own sense of self worth and self-esteem. The problem is it doesn't work and just makes you an ass.

 

The way to boost your self-esteem and confidence is to focus on yourself and do things in your life you are afraid of. Confidence is built by facing your fears. That's the quickest and time proven method of building confidence.

 

As for your self-esteem, you have to put yourself on an equal plane with other. Not better than, not worse than. The old adage "Everyone put theirs pants on the same way" applies here.

 

Maybe there are deeper issues with me that caused me to look at those things in that light(?) And to a certain extent, I think maybe I do shift blame on her because she left me and because I was hurt so bad (?). Maybe I was so blown away that she would leave that I started to over analyze every little thing about her, thus "blaming" her for everything (?)

 

Blaming someone else for everything is simply a by-product of denial. We all have areas/room for improvement. However the only thing we have control over is ourselves. You can't change others, only yourself. That's where your focus should be.

 

I

have learned quite a bit about myself though...at least I think I have. I know there are still things I need to work on. One of the biggest things is that I have learned, especially after our talk, is that all these stupid, petty, insignificant things that used to just bother the heck out of me no longer seem like such a big deal. But even before our talk, I saw just how hurt I was and what was the point in getting all fired up over stupid things out of my control??? Politics, people, the way "I" thought things should be...

 

Never, ever let things you can not control make you angry or depress you.

 

So what do I do about it? How can I look at it objectively??? I would love if there was some sudden epiphany I had that would show it.

 

Keep reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" Read it until you know the words by heart.

 

Cheers

[niceguy27]

Thanks for that. A few months back I would never have admitted or even thought about those things. I look back now and can start to pick apart all the little things I used to do,say,act, etc. I am slowly starting to realize that and trying to tackle each issue one at a time.