ShareHer Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by Cindy2000 My partner of ten years has previously been involved in the swinging lifestyle. The first time we made love, he asked me if I would like another man to join us. After that we had his friend join us occasionally. He is very sexual, and our sex is great when it is just the two of us. However, he constantly wants to go to swingers clubs and have sex with other people. He tells me that he has loved no one like me and that his love for me is deep. But he also tells me that he knows he will never be enough for me sexually, and that I need other men. I feel that he is projecting, and what he really means is that I will never be enough for him. He's always told me that he loves women and wants to have sex with many, and even relationships/friendships. Like going to lunch or dinner with them, and spending time with them. I really love this guy, and we have a lot of fun together even without sex, but I cannot adjust to this lifestyle. Am I being too insecure? Hi Cindy, I actually don't think you're being too insecure. To me, having sex with another person and not developing an emotional attachment is one thing but wanting to spend time with this other person and hang out with them often is another. I have a few women friends that I go to lunch with sometimes and I always tell my wife. If it was anything other than friends going to lunch, she wouldn't like it. I don't spend time with them after work because that's time I could be spending with my wife and family. He definitely sounds like he's projecting. It's possible that he's setting you up for the "you did it now it's my turn" thing. You need to establish what boundaries you're willing to live with and then make it clear to him. ie: Is it ok for you to have sex with other men, is it ok for him to have sex with other women, are you ok with him seeing other women and hanging out with them. These rules don't always balance out equally. My wife has the freedom to have sex with other people but I don't. Those are the rules I agreed to and I'm sticking with them. At some point there's a line that gets crossed that goes from swinging to wanting the single life completely. It sounds a bit like he's leaning toward the later of the two. Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by Jacksin I agree with Supermom. Also, there must be a lot lacking in a marriage if there is a need to have sex with others. Maybe it's simply a desire and not a need. I have been married twice (unsuccessfully) but have never felt the need to be with another woman whilst I was married. Jack There must've been a lot lacking in your marriages as well. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by Cindy2000 My partner of ten years has previously been involved in the swinging lifestyle. The first time we made love, he asked me if I would like another man to join us. After that we had his friend join us occasionally. He is very sexual, and our sex is great when it is just the two of us. However, he constantly wants to go to swingers clubs and have sex with other people. He tells me that he has loved no one like me and that his love for me is deep. But he also tells me that he knows he will never be enough for me sexually, and that I need other men. I feel that he is projecting, and what he really means is that I will never be enough for him. He's always told me that he loves women and wants to have sex with many, and even relationships/friendships. Like going to lunch or dinner with them, and spending time with them. I really love this guy, and we have a lot of fun together even without sex, but I cannot adjust to this lifestyle. Am I being too insecure? No you are not being too insecure. He is being a jerk and trying to find a way to keep you around while acting single and getting all the women he wants. (How do you spell poo-nany?) I think you should move on and let him be single. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 In my opinion, married couples who desire this type of lifestyle have no clue what a marriage is. Neither should they push or try to convince others to give it a try. Apparently there is nothing sacred in this world anymore, I'm so ashamed. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I agree, Moose. My question is, what happens if the wife gets pregnant? Explain that to your child. "Well, your father and I were having a threesome. See, we believe in an open marriage and we were looking for kicks! We're not sure who your REAL daddy is, but you're okay with that right?" Also, I believe one of the most common posts on this board goes something like this "My bf is sleeping around, but he says I am insecure for being so jealous. What's wrong with me? How can I be more confident?" The answer is.... Dump the jerk and move on. What makes people think they should accept this kind of behavior! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Holdon, In an answer to your question, I believe ignorance breeds ignorance. Meaning the bastard child will be raised to believe this lifestyle is acceptable. And his children, then his children's children...and so forth will do the same. It's becoming more and more accepted to the point to where marriage won't be anything but a legal document saying you share your possessions with another. The sadness is that marriage was meant to be a beautiful and spiritual experience for ONE man and ONE woman, people are losing the opportunity to receive such a gift from God Himself....it almost makes me cry....and I'm serious. Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn My question is, what happens if the wife gets pregnant? I'm not sure if it's available in all parts of the country or not but there's this new thing called the birth control pill that I hear has an excellent success rate at preventing pregnancy. I've been having sex for 30 years and I've never gotten any woman pregnant that I hadn't intended to. I suppose if she forgot to take the pill, the condom broke, the spermicide failed, his vasectomy didn't take, the IUD slipped out and he failed to pull out in time, there's always abortion. Explain that to your child. "Well, your father and I were having a threesome. See, we believe in an open marriage and we were looking for kicks! We're not sure who your REAL daddy is, but you're okay with that right?" Unless she got knocked up by a black, Asian or another non-caucasion dude, I wouldn't bother explaining anything to them. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Moose, I guess I we can do is stay true to our marriages (I'm not married yet), and try to raise our children right. I agree, marriage is like the basis for families, love, society and stability. I wish everyone took it more seriously. Mainly, marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman for the purpose of beginning a new family. Wow! I am so old fashioned! (Please don't kill me) Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I'm not sure if it's available in all parts of the country or not but there's this new thing called the birth control pill that I hear has an excellent success rate at preventing pregnancy. Shareher, this is what I am talking about. With your posts being so acerbic, I can see why people get so frustrated with you. Not everyone uses the pill and even women who do use the pill can get pregnant. They only have to miss ONE pill and the success rate drops significantly. Condoms are only about 85% effective. To say that birth control prevents all pregnancy is just wrong. Birth control reduces the chances, that's all. there's always abortion. Of course. Abortion. How could I forget. The solution to all society's problems. Why does anyone need to be responsible when they can always just wash away their problems with a saline injection to the uterus. All your problems solved. Unless she got knocked up by a black, Asian or another non-caucasion dude, I wouldn't bother explaining anything to them. Yeah, who cares who your daddy is. It takes a village right. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Holdon, Yep, and we will reap our rewards too!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Hold on, We are probably about to get into trouble here, I sent the individual a PM in reference to his last post.....the moderator's has been having problems......we shouldn't get off the subject......just a heads up.... Moose Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 If you are interested in the lifestyle, goto http://www.swingersboard.com It's a forum where you can read & ask questions. Very insightful. Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn Shareher, this is what I am talking about. With your posts being so acerbic, I can see why people get so frustrated with you. Huh? Acerbic? If I had placed a beside it would that have made a difference? I don't see anyone getting frustrated with me. Quite the contrary. I've received a bunch of PM's stating that they're glad I stand up for what I believe and they wish they could post their true thoughts without others bashing them. Not everyone uses the pill and even women who do use the pill can get pregnant. They only have to miss ONE pill and the success rate drops significantly. Condoms are only about 85% effective. To say that birth control prevents all pregnancy is just wrong. Birth control reduces the chances, that's all. :) <--- Just so you know I'm saying this in a nice tone of voice... Holdon, there you go living in the worst-case-scenerio-world again. :) The sky's falling! You're gonna catch AIDS! You're gonna get pregnant! You're gonna get a yeast infection! If I didn't know better, I would think you were afraid of sex or something. Seriously, when you have sex, you're taking a chance, no matter who it's with. If I worried about all the downsides of sex as you do, I believe I'd already be a monk by now! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Well, the smilies DO help! But now I suspect they are a bit insincere. Holdon, there you go living in the worst-case-scenerio-world again. It's not worst-case-scenario. It's realism. If I didn't know better, I would think you were afraid of sex or something. Now now, I am not going to go there. Of course I am not afraid of sex and if you asked my bf he would laugh his @ss off at that idea! However, I am aware that the act of sex is designed for making a child, so pregnancy is always a risk. If I worried about all the downsides of sex as you do, I believe I'd already be a monk by now! I don't WORRY about the downsides of sex, but I am AWARE of them. Sex isn't void of all complications, no matter how many ways you try to say that! Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn Well, the smilies DO help! But now I suspect they are a bit insincere. Oh Holdon! What am I gonna do with you? Typical woman. Never satisfied with how something's said or worded and always looking for the double meaning or the negative. Sheeesh. Good thing I love you like I do. It's not worst-case-scenario. It's realism. Ok then, do you worry each time you have sex with your boyfriend? Come on now, do you? You can't be positively sure he wasn't fooling around with another women can you? Well, it IS possible isn't it? (Is there a limit on this site?) Link to post Share on other sites
Haunani Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 okay I've read the banter back and forth, and I'm gonna just post my opinion here. I'm a newbie so hello everyone first off My husband wanted me to try this when we first got together 20 years ago, and we did, against every bone in my body. He wanted only the 2 girls, and I wanted so bad to please him, it did. Then he kept wanting it. Against my true feelings I did with my girl-friend, but when I fell asleep, they did were inthere alone, and I woke and felt hurt. Like I was betrayed, I can still see the vision. After that, he wanted to try a couple, I didn't know how because he's extremely jealous, but he thought it would go okay, we met, and it was good with me, but you could cut the tension with a knife the way he was acting, and while I was with the other guy, he couldn't take it anymore, and we started arguing and they left. We've never had that swinging again, though I was glad and thought it was out of his *system*. I was wrong. He's never stopped asking again for us to try. I'm not a prude, but I don't enjoy my husband seaching the internet for swinging clubs in our area. I have explained that what we did 20 years ago, leave it at that. But he insist. Our bathroom is filled with porn mags,he has videos in boxes by the dozen, and when I'm on the internet doing stuff - nothing to do with sex, he doesn't like that I'm on too long. And I get upset that he actually has the balls to limit my time doing research stuff when he himself had stayed on one day all day on porn sites. And when I brought it up, he said *What, oh you like looking at this too*. Like he could just jump into my body and know what I'm feeling? thinking? To me I felt like okay, I did it once, twice, three times, to satisfy someone else even though in my heart I really was against it, but whilst into it, I admit it was exciting and different and fun, but it wasn't something I wanted to continue doing. This is very sensitive to me in that both partners need to agree this is really what they want because it can ruin a relationship that isn't strong enough to stand this type of outside force. Just my .02 Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by ShareHer Ok then, do you worry each time you have sex with your boyfriend? Come on now, do you? You can't be positively sure he wasn't fooling around with another women can you? Well, it IS possible isn't it? (Is there a limit on this site?) Ahhhh! Stop with the smilies! It's killing me softly. Like that song. No, I don't worry every single time. But most times when we are getting frisky, I think about whether I took my pill or not and my bf often asks me if I did. I do feel relieved when I get my period every month. Phew! Not to worry until next month. I think most sexually active people (who don't want a baby) do worry about pregnancy. It's quite normal. You can't be positively sure he wasn't fooling around with another women can you? Well, it IS possible isn't it? My bf's concept of sex is to share it with someone you love and trust and are monogamous with. I knew him for 6 years before we dated, and so I know this is true. We both went years without sex before we started going out... Because we were waiting for the right person. I am confident in saying that he would never cheat on me and I would never cheat on him. HOWEVER, I suppose there is always the possibility. And if I found out the relationship would be over immediately. If I cheated on him, I know the relationship would be over immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn Ahhhh! Stop with the smilies! It's killing me softly. Like that song. Ok, no more smilies. How about these? I am confident in saying that he would never cheat on me and I would never cheat on him. HOWEVER, I suppose there is always the possibility. And if I found out the relationship would be over immediately. If I cheated on him, I know the relationship would be over immediately. We can pick up the newspaper any day and read about someone doing something that just shocks us out of our socks. OJ killing his wife? I never would've thought. Scott Peterson killed Laci? I'm sure neither family could've ever thought he'd be capable of something like that. Clinton fooling around with "that woman" in the whitehouse? Well, maybe. Ok, you've said you've known your boyfriend for a long time and for the most part know how he thinks when it comes to sex and relationships. Isn't it also somehow possible that he has some devious thoughts from time to time but never shares them with you because he knows how upset you'd get if you knew? If, as you said, there's always the possibility that he'd cheat on you, there's also the possibility that he's fantasized about having a threesome isn't there? Maybe there are a number of things he'd like to try in the bedroom but is afraid to ask fearing he'll ruin your relationship. I'm sure there are things my wife thinks about but never tells me. You never can be too sure what kind of deviant thoughts are rolling around in the heads of otherwise normal people. Here's one last so you don't think I'm being mean or anything. I really do think you're a nice lady. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 We can pick up the newspaper any day and read about someone doing something that just shocks us out of our socks. OJ killing his wife? I never would've thought. Scott Peterson killed Laci? I'm sure neither family could've ever thought he'd be capable of something like that. Clinton fooling around with "that woman" in the whitehouse? Well, maybe. Um, yeah. OJ never showed any violent tendencies before?? Ask the 911 operators if that's true! He beat her all the time. Scott Peterson was a habitual liar. Clinton had several affairs before MOnica. He was in fact a perpetual womanizer. Paula Jones, Jennifer Flowers, etc... etc... Ok, you've said you've known your boyfriend for a long time and for the most part know how he thinks when it comes to sex and relationships. Isn't it also somehow possible that he has some devious thoughts from time to time but never shares them with you because he knows how upset you'd get if you knew? It's not possible. I am more "wild" than he is. I'm not wild per se, but I am more outgoing, you might say. So, he wouldn't be afraid to tell me something like that. If my bf is having devious sex thoughts than he is living a totally double life and lying to me and his friends and his family and is somehow hiding all the evidence. (He doesn't even like porn). He just likes regular, normal sex (with me only). Is that so hard to believe?? Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn Scott Peterson was a habitual liar. Do you think Laci would've stayed with him had she known this? I highly doubt it. And that was my point, some people can hide a completely different side of themselves away without their spouse knowing about it. It's not possible. I am more "wild" than he is. I'm not wild per se, but I am more outgoing, you might say. So, he wouldn't be afraid to tell me something like that. If my bf is having devious sex thoughts than he is living a totally double life and lying to me and his friends and his family and is somehow hiding all the evidence. (He doesn't even like porn). He just likes regular, normal sex (with me only). Is that so hard to believe?? No, actually it really isn't hard to believe. I'm sure he's a very nice, normal person, just like you. (where's that little smilie icon that means Hey! I'm being serious ok?) Link to post Share on other sites
wasssntme Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I have done the three thing (me, hubby, and other female) more than once. I was all for it at the time and now wish I had never done it. He loves me more for it. Sounds great, huh? Why couldn't he love me more just for me??? I wouldn't be reading these message boards if life was as great as He thinks it is. You may not regret it today, or tomorrow but someday you will. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by ShareHer Do you think Laci would've stayed with him had she known this? I highly doubt it. And that was my point, some people can hide a completely different side of themselves away without their spouse knowing about it. There had to be SOME red flags! Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Originally posted by wasssntme You may not regret it today, or tomorrow but someday you will. The arrangement didn't work out for you but that's not to say it won't work out for the original poster. Many conventional marriages don't work out either so should we be telling engaged folks not to get married because of that? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO Madeline, Unfortunately, I don't think my sister will ever heal from the consequences of her actions. Particularly because she has lost the opportunity to be with her boys except for her limited visitations. And since her current husband was not aware of this prior to marrying her, it is an issue that is now causing much strain in this relationship as well. Not to mention, coming from a Catholic family, it has caused much embarrassment for all of us. My parents have also lost contact with their grandchildren because of what happened, and it has devastated my father in particular. Now, in retrospect, my sister claims she was persuaded by her ex to explore this new method "to spice up their sex life," but there is still much debate as to whom suggested it first. After engaging in this “swapping” lifestyle for a few months, my sister began to doubt that her husband really “loved” her since he was so willing to share her with other men. She claims she wanted to stop, but that her husband became angry. Needing someone to talk to, and unable to reveal their secret life to her friends or family, she developed an intimate friendship with one of the sexual partners they were involved with. They argued over this, and my sister left the house for a few days. Angry, her husband copied the photos and emails that my sister had exchanged with this man on their home computer…making sure to delete his own and then refused to let her back into the house claiming, “that she left him and the boys for this other man.” He used the evidence in court to gain custody of their sons while conveniently denying his own involvement, of course. Coming from a Catholic family himself, he was also embarrassed for his family to discover he had ever done such a thing. Of course, he has since admitted to participating (his family no longer speaks to him), but it is too late since the judge ruled in his favor. I only share this horrible story because I worry for other couples who may one day find themselves in a similar situation. Sometimes “fantasies” are better left to the imagination. Reality is sometimes a more bitter pill to swallow… It almost sounds like he PLANNED it that way....what a terrible thing to do to your children. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Sometimes “fantasies” are better left to the imagination. Reality is sometimes a more bitter pill to swallow… Advice that most of us have ignored (at one point or another in our lives) to our own harm and to the injury of others. The fun always ends... Link to post Share on other sites
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