Swingers?

[Curiosity]

Hey everyone!

 

Has anyone out there tried "The Lifestyle?"

 

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-30s, and we're cohabitating and we have pets together. We are in a committed relationship that will likely lead to marriage and children.

 

We are openminded and adventuresome--and we have been considering venturing into "The Lifestyle."

 

We are so happy, and our lives are going so well that I am cautious. I do not want emotional drama or chaos in my life.

 

I've read both pros and cons from people who write books about this...I just don't know anyone in my immediate group of friends who I can ask, and I'd like to hear actual experiences---good and bad.

 

Specifically--were there odd emotional entanglements and situations---and is there truly no such thing as 'casual sex.'

 

Call me tawdry, immoral or what-have-you--but please only write if you have an experience to share.

 

Thank you!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "My boyfriend and I are in our mid-30s, and we're cohabitating and we have pets together."

 

I don't know much about the swinging lifestyle...it's not for me. I'm only asking that you leave your pets out of it. Thanks!

[Curiousity]

Oh dude!

 

We're not asking about Pet Sex---just people sex.

 

I read an article once in the Dan Savage column about Pet Sex and it made me so sad.

 

I could not imagine turning my sweet pups into accessories. Everyone's been neutered and spayed so they're like permanent children.

 

Sorry for any confusion.

[Gray]

I would love to be in or try a threesome, BUT I am a very jealous type, and I know I would have bad feelings after its thru, same with my girlfriend, who isn't interested anyways, but I meant, same jealous feelings.

 

Take a look inside yourself to decide something like that, and be HONEST with yourselves.

 

Like I said, I think it would be great fun, but I know myself and my girlfriend too well, and nothing good would come from it. So its not even something i think about.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Unfortunately, I can't give you a first hand account, but my sister and her first husband tried this for a while and it ultimately led to their divorce. Because she could not psychologically separate the act of having "sex" from the emotional attachment, she developed an intimate friendship with one of their partners. This led to her husband becoming jealous and filing for divorce.

 

Go figure...they were allowed to have sex with other people, but developing friendships was considered "cheating"??!!

 

Anyway, to make a l-o-n-g story short, she lost custody of her two beautiful boys and her past still casts a dark shadow over her new marriage, not to mention all the shame and guilt she carries around to this very day. It has messed with her head considerably and she has never been quiet "sane" ever since.

 

Before jumping into anything you might later regret, its best to consider all possible repercussions.

 

And there are MANY.

[quankanne]

while I admit a curiosity about that kind of lifestyle, I don't think I could handle feelings of cheating on my spouse, even if we both were 100 percent behind it. Good old Catholic upbringing, I guess

 

what I wouldn't mind is delving into Tantric sex because it seems that partners get so *into* each other (no puns intended) and their lovemaking. it just looks so intense, and best of all, the focus remains on the couple ...

[Madeline]

Enigma's story sounds harrowing!

 

I have not tried the Lifestyle either...I admit being very curious, but so far, unwilling to jeapordize the good relationship I have with myself and my dude.

 

I just had to comment on Enigma's sister's consequences. That is very sad. I wonder if she feels as though she explored something she was driven to explore, and now she can have it be out of her system--and let time heal the consequences.

 

Take care.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Madeline,

 

Unfortunately, I don't think my sister will ever heal from the consequences of her actions. Particularly because she has lost the opportunity to be with her boys except for her limited visitations. And since her current husband was not aware of this prior to marrying her, it is an issue that is now causing much strain in this relationship as well. Not to mention, coming from a Catholic family, it has caused much embarrassment for all of us. My parents have also lost contact with their grandchildren because of what happened, and it has devastated my father in particular.

 

Now, in retrospect, my sister claims she was persuaded by her ex to explore this new method "to spice up their sex life," but there is still much debate as to whom suggested it first. After engaging in this “swapping” lifestyle for a few months, my sister began to doubt that her husband really “loved” her since he was so willing to share her with other men. She claims she wanted to stop, but that her husband became angry.

 

Needing someone to talk to, and unable to reveal their secret life to her friends or family, she developed an intimate friendship with one of the sexual partners they were involved with. They argued over this, and my sister left the house for a few days. Angry, her husband copied the photos and emails that my sister had exchanged with this man on their home computer…making sure to delete his own and then refused to let her back into the house claiming, “that she left him and the boys for this other man.” He used the evidence in court to gain custody of their sons while conveniently denying his own involvement, of course. Coming from a Catholic family himself, he was also embarrassed for his family to discover he had ever done such a thing. Of course, he has since admitted to participating (his family no longer speaks to him), but it is too late since the judge ruled in his favor.

 

I only share this horrible story because I worry for other couples who may one day find themselves in a similar situation. Sometimes “fantasies” are better left to the imagination. Reality is sometimes a more bitter pill to swallow…

[BadMan]

You're sisters husband sounds like a jackass.

I feel bad for your sister, it's like she was duped.

[Bubbles]

Hey,

 

I tried it, I like it and hopefully one day soon I will do it again. Here is my one rule of thumb....This is not something you do with someone that you are extremely emotionally attached to. If you are NOT and I mean NNNNOOOOTTTT a jealous person. Otherwise as a female you will struggle with this for the rest of your time with eachother.

 

But, if you were interested in trying something like this before you hooked up with your b/f, then I say GO FOR IT! I personally know quite a few couples who are in long term relationships and they do this together a few times a year - just to add some spice to their sex life.

 

What matters here is how YOU feel about it, not anyone on this post or any of your friends (it's none of their business anyways!)

 

Good luck and happy hunting for that special third person!

 

Bubbles

[quankanne]

you've hit the nail on the head when you said that this isn't something you do if you've got an emotional attachment to someone or if you are a jealous person.

 

I think many of us who have answered in the negative do so from the perspective that we feel that a relationship with a special man or woman is between the two of us, not us and whoever else we want to create a little bit of excitement in our relationship. There's a difference in experimenting out of curiousity when you're not in a commited relationship and introducing additional partners into the marriage bed when you feel there's only room for your SO!

 

quank

 

"There's a time and a place for those kinds of things … it's called COLLEGE"

(quote from the mayor of Southpark to the school's guidance counselor)

[EnigmaXOXO]

So true.

 

And my sister’s private sex life was also “no one’s business.” But what happened inside their bedroom eventually became our business since we were all made to suffer the consequences. Not to mention my sister’s embarrassment in court and the shadow it has cast over her current relationship. You see, everyone kept it a secret after we found out, thinking it was “her” business. But her new husband learned about it anyway.

 

Like I said, while we all make bad decisions, you can’t hide from your past.

 

Of course, we all have the inalienable right to do as we please, but we must also be responsible and carefully consider all the possible outcomes of our actions…good AND bad. Its ripple-effect is much like dropping a pebble into the water. You just never know how far those turbulents will spread…

[ethicalslut]

I agree, if you have a jealous streak - don't do it. Something will always come up to make you feel "out of place" EVEN if you attach rules to the arrangement. You have to be VERY confident in HIS love for YOU, otherwise, it will fail.

 

Trust. The #1 ingredient for an open marriage.

 

That's my opinion...

[Thor]

My high school sweetheart and her current husband belong to this lifestyle. To my knowledge, they've been a part of it for about 8 years now. They participate in "parties" or get togethers about twice a month. Sometimes more depending on the free time they have, and if they have a baby sitter. If one doesn't feel like going that night then the other will go while the other stays home with the kids. They have a true open marriage and communication flows equally between the two. On some occasions, the outside partner has developed feelings. That happens and can't be stopped. However, my ex and her hubby will simply terminate that "relationship" and see someone else. There seems to be an endless supply of partners though.

 

Bottom line. They're happy. They trust each other. They keep their family out of the picture by going to other places, and most of all, they're completely in love with each other. Can this be used as a guideline? Don't know, but it has worked out for them.

[MarieW]

I have to say that you seem to have a pretty good relationship so why change things so dramatically? But if you do venture into the "lifestyle" make sure you are aware of all the possible pitfalls beforehand.

A few years ago I was in the final year of my marriage. Things were terrible between us. I had a good friend who was into "swinging" and she suggested it to me. My husband had already shown an interest ( he had been looking at swingers sites on the net ) but I wasn't so sure. I was very vulnerable at the time and allowed myself to be talked into it. The way I saw it at the time was that my marriage was dead, I didn't feel I would be jealous seeing my hubby with my friend because of that so i thought I had nothing to lose.

To cut a long story short, we did swap with my friend and her husband a few times and whilst it improved my sex life with hubby for a while ( the danger aspect I guess ) it didn't help our marriage. We divorced a little while later but not because of the swinging.

I went through a rebellious wild phase and continued sleeping with my friend and her husband for a few weeks. I have never been bisexual, it was just a new experience. My female friend however WAS bi and she developed a bit of a thing for me, it was like I was her little toy to play with. I met an adventurous guy and we all got together again supposedly to swap. But when he met my female friend he didn't fancy her. She blew her top and kicked him out of the house and from then onwards kept trying to keep me all to herself.

It all left a bad taste in my mouth and our friendship evaporated. Even now if I see her in the pub she gets upset and reminisces about the good old days when I was her little pet. i'm with a lovely guy now who knows of my past and doesn't like it. And because I love him so much I couldn't bear the thought of swapping again even if he wanted to. The thought of him with another woman would drive me mad.

Basically what I'm trying to say is BE VERY SURE. All sorts of things may cross your mind. Does he enjoy sex with her better than with me? Does he think she's more attractive? And if you meet a couple who are a bit unbalanced you could end up in the situation I was in.

If your love is strong and you completely trust each other, it may improve your sex life no end but I can't see any other advantages.

Good Luck.

[Eva]

My husband and I have shared an open marriage for over 6 years and we're still honeymooning. In our relationship, we've agreed that we're emotionally monogamous and have complete sexual freedom. We trust each other completely, not in a fairy tale way, but because we've communicated absolutely honestly with each other from day one. We can tell each other anything we think without fear of reprisals or denigration. We know, to the depths of our souls, that there is nobody in the world who could ever replace either of us in a relationship.

 

Our perception is that sexual intercourse with others is simply a bit of fun. It's not deep and meaningful for us when we include others. When my husband and I make love, it's completely different to the sex we share with others. By far, though, the biggest bonus we've discovered is the ability to discuss absolutely anything together.

 

I think the most important things you have to ask yourselves is:

* Why are you interested? Because it's trendy or you have high sex drives or?

* Are you secure in the knowlege that you have nothing to fear by introducing others into your sex life?

* Can you psychologically separate love and sex completely?

 

Hope this helps! Eva in Sydney, AU

[Bird]

One thing to consider- you're not married, right?. BIG DIFFERENCE. You talk like you are, or more like that's probably what will happen if everything continues in the direction you're moving it at present. But, cohabiting, sharing pets, and talking about the future does not constitute marriage. It ain't a done deal yet, and throwing other people (and sex with other people) into the mix now may take you off course, or it may not. Different for everyone. My question to you is this: Assuming you 2 are planning on getting married, do you see a difference between having sex with other people when you're not married vs. when you are married? Maybe the 2 of you feel it's cool to open up the relationship now, but may feel different after the knot is tied. There's less at stake right now because you are still not married, so it's easier to contemplate. After all, breaking up with your boy/girl-friend is far more simpler than going through an actual divorce. I agree with what someone said earlier - what do you want out of it? But I think it's good that you 2 are figuring this out before you get married, and you probably shouldn't get married until you both know exactly where the other stands on this issue.

 

Just my two cents.

[MichaelD]

My wife and I are in our mid 30's and have known each other since we were both 16. About three years ago we tried something like this and it did not work too well. To be specific my wife had a great time, but I did not. I was jealous even though I thought I was ready for it. We were in a situation where I watched her with another guy and afterwards it was tough for me. So we stopped.

 

But curiosity always pushes some people on, and we tried again and again.

 

Now she has two 'boyfriends' in addition to be married to me. I, on the other hand, have no desire for another woman because I am not able to separate the emotion from the sex act as my wife can. My wife has the ability to completely be lost in the moment of the act and for it to mean nothing to her afterwards. She does not love either of the two guys she sees and it could end at any time and no one would be offended. I have joined in on the odd occasion, but even times when I do not join in I am usually not too far away and can often listen in or even peek in. I find being a voyeur gives me all the mid-life rush that I need and my wife gets all the great sex her heart could desire.

 

In the end you have to go with whatever works for you.

[Eva]

Hi Michael,

 

Thanks for sharing the info about your marriage and how you've made swinging work for the both of you. I enjoy the fact that there is no mold or "supposed to be" when it comes to an open marriage.

 

Cheers, Eva

[curiouscpl]

My wife and I are in our early 30's...married five years now and also talk about a possible "lifestyle change". We're curious and cautious...just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[JBoz0605]

I have a friend who has an open relationship with his wife, they have from the beginning. The rules as I understand them are as follows:

 

1. They must both agree on the other couple

2. No kissing in front of each other

3. Only foreplay and oral in front of each other no penetration (hope that is technical enough for the moderators)

4. What goes on behind closed doors stays behind closed doors, in other words if they go into another room with someone they never tell each other if they actually had sex.

 

Oh, there is one more rule, his wife is bisexual so if she wants to be with another woman she gets to and he can watch if she lets him. It seems to work for them, but I'm not sure I could do it.

[Sugar_Cube]

Hi, I have never tried it before, but know people that have. I would agree with what others have said about it too. There shouldn't be any emotional attatchments if you can help. Thats where alot of it can begin to be a problem. Personally I think its wrong but to each their own I guess. I think sex should be one on one with that special someone. I know that I have had some curiosty about it but never tried it and don't think I could. The times i have thought about it, it would always bring me back to my same questions i would ask myself...Is this right? Do I wanna risk hurting my partner or myself or others for that matter? I would just think about it long and hard before doing anything. Best of luck to you.

[supermom]

I just don't understand I guess - [color=red]but what's the point of being married when you want to screw other ppl?[/color]

My Aunt and Uncle lived this lifestyle for 20 yrs and they are now divorcing because they can't seem to stay faithful.

[Jacksin]

I agree with Supermom.

Also, there must be a lot lacking in a marriage if there is a need to have sex with others. I have been married twice (unsuccessfully) but have never felt the need to be with another woman whilst I was married.

Jack

[Cindy2000]

My partner of ten years has previously been involved in the swinging lifestyle. The first time we made love, he asked me if I would like another man to join us. After that we had his friend join us occasionally. He is very sexual, and our sex is great when it is just the two of us. However, he constantly wants to go to swingers clubs and have sex with other people. He tells me that he has loved no one like me and that his love for me is deep. But he also tells me that he knows he will never be enough for me sexually, and that I need other men. I feel that he is projecting, and what he really means is that I will never be enough for him. He's always told me that he loves women and wants to have sex with many, and even relationships/friendships. Like going to lunch or dinner with them, and spending time with them. I really love this guy, and we have a lot of fun together even without sex, but I cannot adjust to this lifestyle. Am I being too insecure?