A little assistance--pretty lost here..

[PamBeesley]

Alright, so I've posted here before and to give a brief background to it--I really liked my best friend, and told him.

He basically said that he was attracted to me, but had a lot of issues that he had going on and could not give himself to a relationship, and what he truely needed was my friendship.

 

So I decided to be there for him--even though it did kind of hurt a little bit, and I didn't have a clue about his problems. But I think of him so highly beyond my feelings that if he said he needed me, I in turn spent my efforts on our friendship.

 

Not long after this he called me one day out the blue, and asked me if I would come over and talk to him.

 

He disclosed all his problems to me--let me know the depth of what had been bothering him, and that he was trying to deal with it and seek help. He was in rough shape, and it made me upset seeing him like that.

 

I ended up seeing him everyday for three weeks to talk to him and help him out. His issues (and I chose not to mention them, out of respect, ect.) but didn't have any bearing on how I thought about him, and it's weird because I usually get scared off when people tell me thier issues. I usaully choose not to deal with it.

 

He's been doing a lot better as of late, and he's even looking better--We went out to dinner and he out of the blue told me that he thinks about me all the time, and how wonderful of a person he thinks I am, and told me 'I'm so good to him', and I was a little shocked, and didn't really know how to take that.

 

I was hanging out with him recently and I wasn't feeling very well and sat next to me and kissed my head. Not to mention one other time we had gone out he'd been holding my hand.

 

He also (and this is where I'm kind of lost) asked me if I would consider moving in with him in coming months. He told me that he really feels he can trust me, which is a lot coming from him, as he lived alone for about 5 years, and he's only had one other roommate before that.

 

I just don't know how to take everything, because a few months ago he couldn't do a relationship, but he's the one making all "the moves", if you will, now.

Adding to that the whole moving in thing--I mean I don't really know how to take that.

 

I mean, we get eachother, we have a great time when we go out, we have a ton in common, and I think we're pretty attracted to eachother. And I'm rather sure it's safe to say now, that I'm in love with him. The more I find about him the more it becomes true.

 

What do I do, where do I go with all this? Please, some advice, I'm a wee bit lost. I know he's said he didn't want to date anyone a while ago, but I'm so afraid to bring it up again.

 

Thanks.

[quankanne]

sounds like you made a real impression on the guy when you helped him through his worst time, and gained his trust. And respect. And maybe showed him that caring for someone isn't necessarily a painful process, that his heart wouldn't always be stomped on, you know?

 

when he asked you to move in, did he mean as a roommate to help split bills and socialize with, or in a deeper sense, like he wants to be romantically involved? I'm kinda fuzzy here – so maybe the best thing to do is to directly ask what he means by moving in, and how it will impact your relationship. And from there, you'll get a better idea of what direction to take.

 

:love::love: and I'm hoping that things are leaning in the direction of romance, because this really does sound like a romantic situation ... not that I'm trying to put ideas into your head!

[touchedbyfire]

I don't think moving in is a good idea until you're BOTH clear about the reasons why. This could turn into a messy situation for both of you if you're not. You're investing a lot of time and energy into him and it could end up in some serious pain for you if you're not careful. At the same time, you being there for him at a time when he's going through difficulties could end up (ironically) being a bad thing. How? Later down the road, he may end up associating a bad time in his life with you. Doesn't matter that you were a positive aspect of it. Being around you may simply remind him of those times and may be difficult for him. Not to say this WILL happen. Just a word of caution.

[PamBeesley]

I understand what you're saying, but I hardly believe that he's been associating me with the bad part of his life. We've actually become closer because of it, and he let's me know all the time how much he cares about me and how much I've helped him.

 

I really want to live with him, but I'm really scared. I guess I'm really unsure--and I know I should probably just put it on the line and ask him what the deal is--but I did it the first time and I just don't think I could do it again. I don't know if living together will further our friendship into something more, or become this standstill where no one says anything to the other person about it. I just can't believe that he doesn't feel as deeply as I do--It sounds corny, but I just don't think my gut or my heart could be that wrong.

[mistieyed]

I understand what you're saying, but I hardly believe that he's been associating me with the bad part of his life. We've actually become closer because of it, and he let's me know all the time how much he cares about me and how much I've helped him.

 

I really want to live with him, but I'm really scared. I guess I'm really unsure--and I know I should probably just put it on the line and ask him what the deal is--but I did it the first time and I just don't think I could do it again. I don't know if living together will further our friendship into something more, or become this standstill where no one says anything to the other person about it. I just can't believe that he doesn't feel as deeply as I do--It sounds corny, but I just don't think my gut or my heart could be that wrong.

 

just a suggestion. i once allowed a former boyfriend (of a short time-6 mths) turned good friend, move into my house to share expenses only. although there was no romantic connection at that point, it was extremely difficult to see him being so social with women - doing things we did together, etc. ultimately, his new girlfriend (would be wife) found out we dated and things went real bad quickly. my point, just make sure you know where you stand with him before you move in or it could become painful very quickly. good luck.

[Valley Lilly]

I would be pretty careful too. Good luck anyway, i hope it turns in the way you want to.

[PamBeesley]

So, to pick up where we left off ( i sound like a soap opera) I had to go to a conference in FL, so he offered to drop me off and pick me up.

 

While there my first night, I did something kind of stupid--maybe it was the beer, maybe it was exciting, but I almost had a one night stand. Almost! I stopped myself short of it because something in my head went off and I was like "This isn't worth it--even if it is for fun, I'm not this kind of girl, and i know that."

 

So that was it, feeling pretty low that I let things go that far (i'd never done that before.) I contemplated calling my friend back home, to tell him about it because I just felt so grossed out by myself. It took me a few days when I was down there, but I finally called him, and was pretty much in tears when I was talking to him, and he calmed me down, told me I'm not a terrible person, and how much he missed me and wished that I would just come home (keep in mind we are not dating.) I ended up saying how much I cared for him, and that even for just a few days, I missed him terribly.

 

I felt better after talking to him, and then a friend we both work with called me to tell me that he and couple of other folks we work with went out for drinks, and he couldn't stop talking about me. I made some sort of high pitched 15-year old noise at this point

 

He apparently kept saying how much he missed me, and that I should be there, ect.

 

So when he picked me up from the airport (it was friggin' snowing!) I hugged him, and I was just like "Oh my god, it is so good to see you."

 

We went back to his apartment for some beers and ordered pizza and watched a movie--it was all very nice--and out of nowhere started discussing feelings, and how he felt, and that he wants to move in with me so badly, and just doesn't want to screw it up, and knows that both of us wouldn't take very well to seeing the other date someone else.

 

Needless to say, If I wasn't head over heels before--

 

Not to divuldge too much information, but we ended up sleeping together that night.

 

And it was AWESOME! haha.

 

On top of this on Thanksgiving, he called, we talked for a while, and surprised me out of nowhere when he said (have you noticed he tends to blindside me with the feelings things?) "You have no idea the feelings that I have for you, I can't even begin to explain them."

 

And silly me, I sat there trying not to faint on the phone, and was like "Well, oh geez...try" and so on and so forth.

 

 

Still, however, I don't know if this becoming a relationship, and maybe it's because it's been so long, or we've known eachother so long---but I mean, we see eachother ALL THE TIME, he cooked me dinner twice, we're making plans for New Years together--I guess I just get scared, because this--me and him--could be so good, and I'm not good with my emotions sometimes.

 

Oh my god, I think we're dating?! I'm a stupid woman, but what's the consensus?

[SuperFantastico]

Stupid smoking...i forgot what i was gonna say.......ok right.

 

I would be wary about the moving in with him thing. The problem is, is that he might be using you as a crutch right now. That could be why hes feeling better. As in, hes perhaps not actually dealing with his issues and instead using you as a bandaid to cover over them temporarily.

 

I would slow down if I were you. Tell him you will think about it, but that you think it would be better to live separately for now. Once hes actually gotten over whats bothering him, then you will consider moving in.

 

Remember, being depressed is very egocentric. Hes drawn into himself right now, so basically there is only you and him in this world. Thats not a healthy place to start a relationship. You have to think what happens when his world opens up again.

 

So um....there..

 

Cheers.