Still so angry and want to tell wife!!!

[forbidden fruit]

Hi Forbidden......sorry you are struggling so badly with this but I would like to offer one thing - before you explode and 'tell' the W, why don't you think about the one person who will lose the most -YOU! MM will keep the W, the house, the kids, the life; your H will be devastated that you lied to him, you may lose him, your house, your family; the neighbors will all think YOU are to blame..........and it goes on and on! Why give him any more than he had already taken from you? Maybe, if you need to speak to someone, it should be ex MM. Normally, I know we are told that NC means NC but, if you really want to get him out of your life and start healing, why not tell him IF he steps one foot inside your yard one more time, comes over for friendly chit chat with Hubby one more time, or in general tries to play 'nice neighbor' to you one more time you will explode and W gets to hear EVERYTHING! Tell him he is getting this ONE AND ONLY warning that you don't want to see or hear from him again (not around you or H) and then you tell it like it is!! If he tries to call your bluff, tell him that you are prepared to tell both your H and his W EVERYTHING and you don't feel you have anything left to lose so he'd best be prepared! This may just be enough to make him realize you've had enough.....God knows you need a break right now!

 

Good Luck to you.

I know I should do that and tell him off and to stop bothering my h and family. He thinks it is okay to talk to my H like he never did anything to me. I can tell him to leave my h and kids alone, but the one hard thing is my kids and his kids are really good friends and they see each other everyday, but I am getting to the point where I can't have anything to do with their family. The W is as nice as pie to me and I can barely talk to her and the only reason her and I talk is because of the kids. I am stuck between a roc k and a hard place , but something has to give. I do not want him around my kids and my h thinking everything is hunky dory, and I do not want to cause a big scene in front of everyone. Any thoughts?

[forbidden fruit]

Usually I'm pro telling because whatever the intentions behind it-it serves a dual purpose of letting her (wife) know who she is really dealing with and blowing off the steam I see from your post.

 

But being neighbors...... And you're married..... No way, it'll blow up back on you so badly.

 

I'm confused how she doesn't know it already(wife)-that proximity is too close. Tallk to him and tell him to stay the hell away from you...but that change itself may be almost as telling as if you told, right?

 

Maybe move, and then do it.

 

You are right everytime he and I don't talk and I exclude his kids from playing everyone gets suspicious. I am not sure what to do

[forbidden fruit]

But do YOU want the affair to start up again? I guess you mulling all this in your head, the "why's" don't make sense to me. Somehow you MUST make peace with this and let go. He is showing you in HIS way it is over if you aren't playing, so since you aren't playing he is living his life, doing his own thing...It's all ego FF, you know that. Also, you don't know what he thinks or feels most of the time, so you're doing alot of assuming when you see him outside with his kids, or talking to his wife. Just seems like he is getting on with life.

 

You both fell for eachother, let an A happen and now it's over. I mean, were you really going to uproot your kids, leave your husband for him? Or was that just fantasy talk of all the 'what if's'.. Either way, at the time you both felt something, but now it's over and there's no point in rehashing or going back.

 

 

 

 

I think you should continue focussing on you, work on you and forget him completely. Try your best to anyway.

You could tell your H not to talk to him anymore, maybe then the exMM will disappear out of your personal lives...But, if your H doesn't know what is really going on, how is he to know or understand what you are feeling?

 

 

 

So, act like it's no big deal back. Don't EVER show him or tell him what you feel inside. Put on the poker face and just go on the best you can.

 

I wish AP were here tonight because she is the one who can help you most, guide you away from wanting to tell...

 

the last part of never showing him i feel contradicts with the advice of K and lost4 talking about telling him to stay off my property and stay away from my family. Well which is it. What way is the right way to go?

[LucreziaBorgia]

II do not want him around my kids and my h thinking everything is hunky dory, and I do not want to cause a big scene in front of everyone. Any thoughts?

 

If you really want MM to leave you and your family alone, you will have to come clean with your H and tell him the truth. Not part of the truth. The whole thing. I can guarantee you that once your H finds out what really went on, you won't have to worry about MM coming around you or your family anymore. I expect your H will take some steps to make sure that never happens again.

 

The truth will eventually out anyway, FF. Who do you want your H to hear it from? You, or MM's W?

[Meaplus3]

If you really want MM to leave you and your family alone, you will have to come clean with your H and tell him the truth. Not part of the truth. The whole thing. I can guarantee you that once your H finds out what really went on, you won't have to worry about MM coming around you or your family anymore. I expect your H will take some steps to make sure that never happens again.

 

The truth will eventually out anyway, FF. Who do you want your H to hear it from? You, or MM's W?

 

 

FF, What LB said here makes alot of sense about coming clean with your H. I really believe if you tell your H the truth about your A with xmm then you won't have to worry about him coming around you. Really consdier this FF, it might just be the only way to keep him away from you.

 

DO NOT tell the W! None of this is her fault I know that you know that. The feeling's of telling will pass, let them go because if you don't and do tell her it will be a GIANT mess, even more so than what it is right now. Hang in there. Try and refocus! Hug's.

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

If you really want MM to leave you and your family alone, you will have to come clean with your H and tell him the truth. Not part of the truth. The whole thing. I can guarantee you that once your H finds out what really went on, you won't have to worry about MM coming around you or your family anymore. I expect your H will take some steps to make sure that never happens again.

 

The truth will eventually out anyway, FF. Who do you want your H to hear it from? You, or MM's W?

 

What do you mean LB the truth will evenutally come out.If I was to tell his W I would tell my H first.The only thing that is holding me back are the kids.

 

What do I do with all the anger and hurt towards him and will it ever go away if he thinks he can be mr. nice guyowards everyone, but me? what is the best way to get back at him and still not hurt everyone?

[Meaplus3]

What do you mean LB the truth will evenutally come out.If I was to tell his W I would tell my H first.The only thing that is holding me back are the kids.

 

What do I do with all the anger and hurt towards him and will it ever go away if he thinks he can be mr. nice guyowards everyone, but me? what is the best way to get back at him and still not hurt everyone?

 

The best way to get back at him FF is to show him that you don't care! Let him act like Mr. nice guy to everyone, it's all and act and you know that FF. You are better then this guy and he know's it to. As for the anger and hurt? It will go away when you DON"T have feeling's for him anymore. Only you can make that happen.

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

The best way to get back at him FF is to show him that you don't care! Let him act like Mr. nice guy to everyone, it's all and act and you know that FF. You are better then this guy and he know's it to. As for the anger and hurt? It will go away when you DON"T have feeling's for him anymore. Only you can make that happen.

 

AP:)

 

Well the problem is I still do have feelings for him whether good or bad and I feel like he got away with it and suffered nothing compared to what I have been through in the last two years. I want him to leave me and my family alone so I can move past those feelings. Do you think I should tell him that if he does it again?

[LucreziaBorgia]

FF, don't underestimate MM's W. Your H may have believed your gaslighting, but that doesn't mean MM's W believed his. For all you know she could be digging quietly, just waiting to get enough info to expose to your H. For every post you are putting down here on advice on dealing with MM, MM's W could be on another board getting advice on how to nail you and the best way to expose you. Never underestimate gut feelings. I'm sure her gut is screaming at her every time some interaction happens. If she seems oblivious, I would chalk that up to good acting rather than ignorance. And if she gets what she is looking for?

 

I'm sure you have seen the scorched earth version of exposure: your family, your coworkers, your peers, your H - no stone will be left unturned if MM's W finds out what really happened. She will be especially angry at being lied to and gaslighted about the nature of your affair, and will see you as an accessory and enabler to the enemy - someone who she will punish twice as hard as her philandering H.

 

The odds of this happening? I dunno... is that a chance you want to take? To have your H look at you like a stranger, and call you a liar and a 'whore' and to take your stuff and get out? That is a pretty common reaction when a BS finds out the truth that way. Men are especially sensitive to cuckolding - particularly since you watched MM 'be nice' to his face and make a fool of him, and did nothing to protect him or look out for his best interests. In his mind, you will have not only cuckolded him - you will have allowed MM to further emasculate him by standing by while he chit chatted with the man whose W he messed with and got away with it. Your H will be humiliated, angry, hurt, ashamed, emasculated - and he will see that you are not only responsible for it, but that you enabled someone else do that to him as well, and make a fool of him. It will not be a pretty sight, FF.

 

I feel really bad for you. You are in a very difficult position. You have anger and unresolved feelings for MM, and the sword of Damocles hanging over your head that could fall at any second, severing all that you have right now.

 

So, which would you rather do? Risk your H finding out from someone else, or sit him down, come clean and plan a real reconciliation? Your H will be no less angry and hurt, but I can tell you that it would be much better coming from you, with true remorse than it would be if you came clean only because you were caught.

[forbidden fruit]

FF, don't underestimate MM's W. Your H may have believed your gaslighting, but that doesn't mean MM's W believed his. For all you know she could be digging quietly, just waiting to get enough info to expose to your H. For every post you are putting down here on advice on dealing with MM, MM's W could be on another board getting advice on how to nail you and the best way to expose you. Never underestimate gut feelings. I'm sure her gut is screaming at her every time some interaction happens. If she seems oblivious, I would chalk that up to good acting rather than ignorance. And if she gets what she is looking for?

 

I'm sure you have seen the scorched earth version of exposure: your family, your coworkers, your peers, your H - no stone will be left unturned if MM's W finds out what really happened. She will be especially angry at being lied to and gaslighted about the nature of your affair, and will see you as an accessory and enabler to the enemy - someone who she will punish twice as hard as her philandering H.

 

The odds of this happening? I dunno... is that a chance you want to take? To have your H look at you like a stranger, and call you a liar and a 'whore' and to take your stuff and get out? That is a pretty common reaction when a BS finds out the truth that way. Men are especially sensitive to cuckolding - particularly since you watched MM 'be nice' to his face and make a fool of him, and did nothing to protect him or look out for his best interests. In his mind, you will have not only cuckolded him - you will have allowed MM to further emasculate him by standing by while he chit chatted with the man whose W he messed with and got away with it. Your H will be humiliated, angry, hurt, ashamed, emasculated - and he will see that you are not only responsible for it, but that you enabled someone else do that to him as well, and make a fool of him. It will not be a pretty sight, FF.

 

Wow LB you hit hte nail on the head. Thank god there are people like you on LS. Everyhting you said is completely true,except maybe the part about his W because she has known about us for a long time and is in denial because then this would be her third divorce and secound round of infidelity with husbands.

 

She does not want that to happen again. Even on our faux d-day she really did not want to know the truth. I think she knows who she is married to she just does not want to break status quo and she thinks he really loves her, but what he really loves is her money-plain and simple

 

If I did not have kids their would be no doubt in mind i would tell my H. I know it is not fair to him and it kills me to have xmm talk to him and backstab him lie that. I hate that I decieved my H because he definately does not deserve it.

 

Everytime xmm talk to my H it is like he is putting the knife in a little deeper. It is truly sick and I cannot watch it anymore. He thinks if he talk to my H that the scent of us will dissipate. I think i may call him and say to stay away from my h and kids and never set foot on my property ag

[whichwayisup]

FF, AP is right, when you decide you DO NOT WANT to have feelings for him anymore, that will be the day you really wake up and work your buns off to not care anymore PERIOD.

 

You seem to go back and forth, I mean, there are days when he doesn't look your way, talk to your H, and he's with his wife, talking to her and THAT upsets you, makes you mad as in your eyes he's just going on with his life and not suffering. Then, he talks to your H, is around your kids, THAT upsets you too. I'm not sure what you want from him, or want him to do because when he goes into NC with you, you still are aware of him too much...I hope this is making sense to you.

 

I'm not sure if you ever did get some counselling, but right now might be a good time to talk to someone about this because now it's really your own issue that you have to work through.

[Meaplus3]

Well the problem is I still do have feelings for him whether good or bad and I feel like he got away with it and suffered nothing compared to what I have been through in the last two years. I want him to leave me and my family alone so I can move past those feelings. Do you think I should tell him that if he does it again?

 

 

FF, What I dont get here is why on earth would your H even want to talk to this xmm if he know's you two had an ea? Since the day I told my H about my ea with mm, my H has not and will not speak a word to him and if my H had to it would not be very nice. Does your H even know what an ea truely is? Have you really told him how deep it was with xmm?

 

AP:)

[BurriedAlive]

Hi FF.

 

You are going to have to something soon. Things are going to have to come to a head one way or another very soon because you cannot go on with the torture you are putting yourself through. So that being said, you have to figure out how you are going to do that and the way I see it, you have three options:

 

1. You move

2. You tell your H EVERYTHING and he will probably take care of xMM and his W himself.

3. You tell the W

 

Unfortunately none of these options are going to be very pleasant but something has to change. Nothing is worth the mental torture you are going through and I know because I have been there. I could go into what would happen if you choose 3. but I am sure we have all said it all before so I am not going to get into it. Good luck hopefully the end one way or another is near!

[NoIDidn't]

FF, don't underestimate MM's W. Your H may have believed your gaslighting, but that doesn't mean MM's W believed his. For all you know she could be digging quietly, just waiting to get enough info to expose to your H. For every post you are putting down here on advice on dealing with MM, MM's W could be on another board getting advice on how to nail you and the best way to expose you. Never underestimate gut feelings. I'm sure her gut is screaming at her every time some interaction happens. If she seems oblivious, I would chalk that up to good acting rather than ignorance. And if she gets what she is looking for?

 

I'm sure you have seen the scorched earth version of exposure: your family, your coworkers, your peers, your H - no stone will be left unturned if MM's W finds out what really happened. She will be especially angry at being lied to and gaslighted about the nature of your affair, and will see you as an accessory and enabler to the enemy - someone who she will punish twice as hard as her philandering H.

 

The odds of this happening? I dunno... is that a chance you want to take? To have your H look at you like a stranger, and call you a liar and a 'whore' and to take your stuff and get out? That is a pretty common reaction when a BS finds out the truth that way. Men are especially sensitive to cuckolding - particularly since you watched MM 'be nice' to his face and make a fool of him, and did nothing to protect him or look out for his best interests. In his mind, you will have not only cuckolded him - you will have allowed MM to further emasculate him by standing by while he chit chatted with the man whose W he messed with and got away with it. Your H will be humiliated, angry, hurt, ashamed, emasculated - and he will see that you are not only responsible for it, but that you enabled someone else do that to him as well, and make a fool of him. It will not be a pretty sight, FF.

 

I feel really bad for you. You are in a very difficult position. You have anger and unresolved feelings for MM, and the sword of Damocles hanging over your head that could fall at any second, severing all that you have right now.

 

So, which would you rather do? Risk your H finding out from someone else, or sit him down, come clean and plan a real reconciliation? Your H will be no less angry and hurt, but I can tell you that it would be much better coming from you, with true remorse than it would be if you came clean only because you were caught.

 

Only tell if you are willing to tell your H the truth, the whole truth, and NOTHING BUT. And after that, you will have to deal with your H's feelings first. He may not want YOU to tell the MM's W. He may want to do that himself. He will be seen as looking out for her a lot more than you would be.

 

But, as LB said, you will face the wrath of his W. That's how it is when you pick an AP that close to home. You will most likely catch hell when found out, no matter how you are found out. If you tell her, she WILL tell ALL of the other neighbors that she is close with what was said (with her own spin on it) and your entire family will suffer because of it. And that is likely to upset your H even more.

 

Not trying to scare you, but inform. I know you are angry and hurting and could really use a shoulder to lean on, but you are not likely to find one IRL once the cat is let out of the bag. Do you have a friend that you could bounce this idea off on, a clergy member, or someone to talk to? That may help ease some of the anger before you do what may be inevitable.

[KATANYA]

I'm sorry FF, I'm trying to go back on your posts to get these answers but I may as well just ask them again.....two things I don't get; 1) Why is your H still 'friends' with exMM if he knows even half the story and 2) why is moving out of the question? Again, sorry for my ignorance of your situation, I'm trying to find your original posts to get the whole story.

[sally4sara]

What do you mean LB the truth will evenutally come out.If I was to tell his W I would tell my H first.The only thing that is holding me back are the kids.

 

What do I do with all the anger and hurt towards him and will it ever go away if he thinks he can be mr. nice guyowards everyone, but me? what is the best way to get back at him and still not hurt everyone?

 

 

Ohhh, so he doesn't actually know at all! It was really weirding me out thinking he knew and would still chum around with the guy!

 

Damn! That all just sunk in........I do NOT envy you when this breaks loose! Just WOW!

[forbidden fruit]

Ohhh, so he doesn't actually know at all! It was really weirding me out thinking he knew and would still chum around with the guy!

 

Damn! That all just sunk in........I do NOT envy you when this breaks loose! Just WOW!

 

I appreciate all the advice and it seems like eveybody has their own opinion in the best way to handle my situation. So I am now more confused than ever. Do I tell my H ? Do I tell his W? Do I tell xmm to f off? Do I move? I am so upset and angry all at the same time I am not sure the right thing to do ?

[sally4sara]

I would just tell him to stop coming around. If you are done and don't want this to come out.......Just tell him to back off. But that means you can't get all up in arms if your husband waves at him when he pulls in his drive and he waves back

 

Normally......I would say fess up, but considering EVERYTHING that has gone on, if you really really want to make your marriage work, tell him no more chit chat and commense treating him like wall paper or like any other married guy on your street that you only sort of know. You should probably ask your husband to try some couples counseling to prevent you from needing to seek out others and to bring the two of you closer.

If you were not happy before the A, not happy after the A, and don't forsee your marriage ever making you happy, then seek a divorce.

But THIS mess? It needs to go under the rug. Lu B. told you exactly what will go down and it is waaayyyy ugly!

Oh and if the MM just gets creepier; tell your husband he propositioned you and you don't feel safe around him anymore.

[Meaplus3]

I appreciate all the advice and it seems like eveybody has their own opinion in the best way to handle my situation. So I am now more confused than ever. Do I tell my H ? Do I tell his W? Do I tell xmm to f off? Do I move? I am so upset and angry all at the same time I am not sure the right thing to do ?

 

 

FF, Out of the 4 option's you listed I think that two of them have potential to end this nightmare for you. 1) Tell your H about the the affair and how deep it was with xmm. Must you tell him every little detail, I don't believe that's necessary for him to know. However he need's to know that this xmm is in the way of your marriage to him! 2) You could try once again for about the hundreth time to tell xmm to stay away. Let him know your VERY serious about it and that you do NOT wish to have him coming around to shoot the S*** with you H, as it's just to much for you. Whatever you Choose DO NOT pack up and Move! Why let xmm run you and your family out of your home, it's not right. And most important DO NOT tell his wife. If anyone tell's his wife it should be xmm, as that type of info should not come from you because if it did it would create more harm then good. You need to make a choice here FF, it's up to you and YOU alone.

 

AP:)

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Do I tell my H ?

2. Do I tell his W?

3. Do I tell xmm to f off?

4. Do I move?

 

1. I am saying yes, mainly because of the proximity of your families and the near daily interaction that your families have. Eventually your H will get the truth. The most humane way for him to hear it is from you.

 

2. No, but your H may opt to talk to her. I don't think you saying anything will accomplish much. When getting news like that people consider the source - she will not listen to an OW, but she may listen to OW's BS, particularly since you said she has a bit of a denial problem. She may just tell herself that you are jealous and only trying to start trouble. If your H opts to talk to her, then she may be more inclined to listen.

 

3. Yes, absolutely. Only I wouldn't use those words. Just something to the effect of "You need to leave me and my family alone." If you use angry words, or lose your temper, he will simply retaliate.

 

4. Honestly, yes. I can't imagine that continuing to live right next to MM will ever temper into something tolerable. I expect if you come clean with H, your H will probably want to move. Far, far, far away.

[forbidden fruit]

I not sure what I am feeling but it is not good. He has been gone all week working so NC has been no problem. Today he was back and I was getting in my car I saw him and my heart sanked and my palms got sweat and I had guess a little anxiety attack. However, I stil ignored him.

 

I got in my car and took a deep breath. This is ridiculous. I am so mad at myself for getting so worked up, but I can't seem to stop what I am feeling. Is it going to get easier and why do I still care about him after everything and much a a**** he was?

[RecordProducer]

I am physically getting sick carrying all this anger.

Take charge of yourself and think about your kids. It's over. Move on. You are married, he is married, you have children to take care of. This is just love. It's not a serious thing. people out there starve, die, get hurt, ill, injured.. and here you're ready to destroy your own kids' lives because a married man picked his wife over you. Shame on you! You are actiong like a little girl who has to have it all and have it right now or else she's gonna break everything.

 

he picked her over me.

Big deal! Imagine yourself in a few years when you won't give a rat's ass about him. Imagine that you ruined your marriage and disturbed your children's warm refuge because "he picked her over you." You are picking anger and revenge over your children!!!

 

Karma cannot come soon enough for him.

Have you thought about what Karma is awaiting YOU around the corner? Or are you an angel? You think you suffering because of him is the worst thing ever? Imagine how much your husband would suffer if he found out about your affair? Can his and your pain compair? He was betrayed by HIS OWN wife. You, on the other hand, were betrayed by another cheater.

 

I am living with my mistake

Your children don't have to live with it. Mommy fell in love with another woman's husband and had to ruin our lives because of that. Get a hold of yourself, woman. He didn't owe you love. You knew he was married and you are, too.

[OpenBook]

Have you thought about what Karma is awaiting YOU around the corner? Or are you an angel?

 

I believe that even angels don't escape karma.

[OpenBook]

I not sure what I am feeling but it is not good. He has been gone all week working so NC has been no problem. Today he was back and I was getting in my car I saw him and my heart sanked and my palms got sweat and I had guess a little anxiety attack. However, I stil ignored him.

 

I got in my car and took a deep breath. This is ridiculous. I am so mad at myself for getting so worked up, but I can't seem to stop what I am feeling. Is it going to get easier and why do I still care about him after everything and much a a**** he was?

 

Grace, FF. Grace. You may not be able to control your feelings right now... but you can certainly control your behavior. You're wasting your time and energy berating yourself for getting "worked up" about it. The important thing right now is, you're not responding back to him at all. Good call! Keep it up. Calm, cool, collected. A regular cucumber. You'll work out the feelings in time. When they come, feel them - and then let them go.

[RecordProducer]

I believe that even angels don't escape karma.

That's true! They get somebody else's Karma by mistake.