sad2day Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 i am new to this but i don't know where else to go. i dated a man who lives about 4 hours away from me. we have never lived in the same city. we dated for about 9 months and i got very scared. he cornered me about the relationship. i told him i didn't think i could give him what he wanted. he is very sensative and loved me very much. he is also very good at communication. i can be but often freeze up when i get scared. we broke up about 3 months ago. we kept in touch and i really worked on my issues. i started to take time to learn the things i enjoyed and how to prioritize. i have always been terrified of not being independent. throughout this time he became my best friend. i needed his friendship before i could truly give myself to him intimately. what i did not realize is that i had crushed him. he never let on to me that he was that hurt but i have learned he was. when i told him how i felt and that i loved him he at first sad he could't do it then he said how much he missed me and was in love with me. he changed his mind again and needed time. he sent me an email two days later saying he couldn't go back to this relationship. it was the most painful thing he had ever done and that he wasn't able to do it again. he also said he couldn't keep communicating with me. we did communicate via email a little but he did not change his mind. his last email said he was seeing someone. i don't think if he is that it is serious, just a distraction. anyway i thought i would see if anyone had any advice. i have started to see someone professionally to help understand why i push away. i don't want to continue this but i really want a second chance with him. i can't even explain the connection we did have. it was amazing. i just got scared. remember we live four hours apart. any suggestions would be appreciated. i can handle the truth... no matter how good or bad. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
thelegend Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Hey sweetheart i'm sorry for you and this situation. He probably is seeing someone else. So the odds are he'll only look at you as a close friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad2day Posted November 16, 2007 Author Share Posted November 16, 2007 hi thank you for your feedback. you might be right but he is doing the same stuff he did before we met. i know this only from the fact that he post things on the internet. he seems to be playing video games and shopping a lot. he was 26 before his first relationship and went a number of years between her and I. i was only his second girlfriend. he could really be dating someone but he behaviors indicate otherwise. also he has stated that a friendship now would be just too painful and he does not feel it is in my best interst to continue this friendship so he has asked me not to call or communicate with him. i should take a hint but it is sooo hard to actually let him go. i needed some time to collect myself but i have never felt this way before. he introduced me to love. i have dated a lot more than he has but never felt the way i have with him. it just took developing the friendship with him when we broke up initially to realize how much i truly needed him in my life. i just don't know what to do. thanks for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
alwayshurt Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Hi SAD, we often take for granted the people we have in our life and realize the meaning that person had for us only when we have lost him/her. One thing for sure, you did not encourage this person in your life and there is a limit to what we can handle when we see rejection from the other side. i don't know exactly your story, but really it does not matter. You should take responsibility for the faults you may have and use them as a learning tool for the future. I don't believe with this guy is completely over, unless he never really loved you or he has found the woman of his life. However, you should step back at this time and leave him the time and space he needs to think over and make up his mind. If it is meant to be it will be but I would not suggest to force, beg him to take you back...becuase it won't work. Just relax leave him alone and wait to see what happens. Time will speak the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
hidee79 Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Let him go. Wish him happiness and love. And, if it's meant to be, he will return. Right now, you're coming from a very self-centered place. You want him back for YOUR happiness. You felt the great connection and you want it back. You went to a therapist, and now it's convenient for you to have him back. It's all about you, you, you. That's probably why your ex-bf won't give you a second chance. Deep down, he senses that it's all about you. And he's doing the right thing - your relationship would probably de-evolve into the same thing. 3 months is not long enough for true, fundamental change. You'll know when you've fundamentally changed when you stop thinking about getting him back. And instead, you truly wish him lots of happiness and love with someone who will love him. Maybe you are the one, maybe not. But after only 3 months, maybe you're not the right person for him right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 S2D, I think you should take some time off for yourself before you get into any relationship. It seems as if you're not quite in a place to be in one. It's good that you're seeing someone professionally to work on your issues. I'm sure when you're ready, you will meet someone that can make you happy and in return, you make him happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 hi thank you for your feedback. you might be right but he is doing the same stuff he did before we met. The key here is to realise that you both have individual issues. Deal with yours. You cannot hope to understand, deal with or resolve his - or anyone else's - for that matter. Don't worry about him. If he has issues, and recognises this, he has one of two options: To deal with them, or ignore them. If he has issues, and does not recognise this, then you have one of two options: To try to stay with him regardless, or move on, be good to yourself and deal with yourself and you alone. I'd go for the last one. Every time. Link to post Share on other sites
LoisLane Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Hun, you are so not ready for a relationship. You need to re-evaluate yourself before getting serious with anyone. I would hate to date someone with so many issues/baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 I was recently dumped by someone I loved with all my heart. I gave him absolutely everything I have to give. I didn't fight with him, I loved him unconditionally, I shared my entire heart/brain/body/soul with him, and everything was great up until he had to leave town for three months. Then, that morning, he dumped me. I cut off contact because it absolutely kills me to think of seeing him and not being able to have him. I doubt I would ever be able to trust him again. I'd like to think that if he came back and told me he was just scared, I'd be able to take him back, but I gave him my love and trust once and he tossed it aside. It is nice to know that people really DO run because they're afraid of commitment. I've always thought that was a total excuse that really meant "I just don't love you." Link to post Share on other sites
thelegend Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 This situation sounds similar to mine. My ex pushed me away a lot. She had a lot of issues that she was aware of but never recieved any help for it. 3 months later she is still doing the same things saying how much she's changed and humbled herself. But that's a lie. I really wonder when are women gonna realize that some guys want to be beside you through the good and the bad? You know sometimes our kindness gets taken for weakness just like women. But i'll say this you should be applauded for 1 addressing the fact you had a problem and got help. But like someone said earlier you've pushed and pushed and pushed him away. If you love him let him go. True love finds it's way home. I hope he returns to a much better you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad2day Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 New info: i don't know where to put this sorry if its up twice well i reconnected with an old friend who is also going thru a separation. we have been hanging out and it has been just friends until sunday. we were the last two people to see this coming but it did and it was very nice. guess what.... monday morning the ex sent me an email stating he did not know why he was sending this since he said he wouldn't but he was thinking about me and wanted to see how i was. i was stunned of course. i told him that. we responded a little. he brought up past memories and went thru play by play a trip that we had. the anniversary of the trip is in a few weeks. i have been torn up since. i finally sent him an email that said i it is too hard for me to go down memory lane when we are not creating any new memories and that i was wondering if he was questioning his decision. he responded that he felt like an ass but that he wanted to to talk about this but he is busy at work and will have to do it later. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK. i am going insane. i was finally doing better and having fun again. i am still in love with him but i don't want to go thru this again. if there is a future i will take it but i can't deal with the rejection again. HELP!!!! what's he thinking? why is he doing this? how do men know when we are starting to let go and move on? ugh..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad2day Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 i know. you are very right. he reached out. i just don't know what it means. if you are interested the update is at the bottom of the page. Link to post Share on other sites
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