Do I ask too much?

[RevJPC]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We have 3 children, one that is 9 months old.

 

Our issue (really "My" issue) is making love, or lack thereof. I shouldn't complain too loudly, we do have sex pretty regularly by some standards. Probably average 3-4 times a week. The problem is that I feel as though I have to beg, and then she feels like she is just giving in to keep me off her back.

 

I want her to want me the way I want her. Is that too much to ask?

 

I think that I am a very very giving partner. I would just as soon have foreplay for 6 hours as actual penetration (don't get me wrong, that is the end result, but I love the entire act... not just Wham-Bam). If I were into that, things would be easier. She would love to just have a quickie and get it over with. I am not happy until she has an orgasm. Preferably more than one. I love to go down on her... and I do not ask her to reciprocate, although I would certainly love that once in a while.

 

Like I said before… I just want her to want me the way I want her.

 

Suggestions???

 

 

Rev JPC

[GreenEyedLady]

Is she nursing? That could affect her lubrication and sex drive...

 

3-4 times with that young a baby is pretty frequent if you ask me...Plus 2 other kids? She's probably exhausted by the time you start initiating sex...

 

Can you cut it down to maybe 2 times a week and make it quality time? Or wait for her to initiate sex? See how often she needs it? Or maybe even try first thing in the morning (depending on if she's up with the baby) before she's tired?

 

Or I know, what if you take over some of the duties and just give her a break for an hour or two?

[Curmudgeon]

Suggestions???

 

"YES!" You may be asking too much. Three children in ten years, one of whom is a toddler. She must be exhausted.

 

Give her some time and space. Consider her feelings and physical as well as psychological limitations. Perhaps she's subconsciously scared to death that she may get pregnant again. Maybe she's just too tired with all that domestic responsibility. It's possible that sex is about the farthest thing from her mind right now yet you want more, lengthy sessions, full reciprocation, etc.

 

My suggestion! Back the hell off and let her rest a bit. Be attentive and loving without always wanting or expecting it to end up between the sheets. If she feels used or thinks you only pay attention to her to get some it may be the last thing she wants right now.

 

Have you taken the time and trouble to speak with an OB/GYN about the rigors of childbirth and the physical toll it can take on a woman? If you haven't, you should. If you weren't selfish you would have. It takes a lot of time to recover from not just that but the hours upon hours of motherhood that follow.

 

I may be doing you a disservice but based upon what you posted I read extreme selfishness. In the end, it's all about what you want, to include what YOU WANT her to want.

[4whatItsWorth]

Like I said before… I just want her to want me the way I want her.

 

Suggestions:

 

1. Give her a day off the children to be at the spa and pamper herself.

2. Hire a nanny.

3. Hire a cleaner.

4. Appreciate that it is A LOT to be giving sex 3-4 times a week ESPECIALLY when having 3 kids, of which one a baby to care for! She's hardly popped something out and you want to stick something back in! Give the woman a break!

5. Appreciate your wife and take off her immense workload and then eventually you might be getting a wife who'd have enough energy to love you and her children.

[Krytie TV]

"YES!" You may be asking too much. Three children in ten years, one of whom is a toddler. She must be exhausted.

Yes, OP, you are no longer allowed to expect her to want you anymore. That part of the bargain ends when the children come, and sometimes before. You will be called a pig for wanting intimacy, no matter what you do to help it isn't enough... I can't wait

[gemalousieglc1]

Hell yea, im 22, no kids (do work hard though) and we are lucky to get the time to have it once a week hahaha!

[RevJPC]

:love:There is a song that says “Never make a pretty girl your wife… you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life. I think that is part of my problem. I should post a picture of my wife. She complains that she has some tummy fat left from the baby… I think she is up to 105 lbs from her standard 102 lbs. I think she looks better than ever… but she is self conscious about it. She isn’t what people would call a trophy wife… but she is drop-dead gorgeous. 5’ 5”, long dark hair, green eye’s… just a knock out.

 

But anyway… lets get back to me and my “Selfishness” as mentioned. I suppose all doctors are a bit narcissistic; however, I try so hard to make her life easier. True, she is a stay at home mom, baseball mom, Cub Scout leader, Cheer Leader mom, amateur Photographer, Part-Time Guardian ad Litem, and the hardest working woman I know, but I am not a slacker either. I usually get up with the baby at night. I cook diner as often as she does. I make her the best latte’ every morning that I am here.

 

Why did you call me OP “Krytie TV”??? What does that mean?

 

4whatItsWorth:

Suggestions:

 

1. Give her a day off the children to be at the spa and pamper herself.

A) Wish she had the time! I’d foot the bill!!!

2. Hire a nanny.

A) We don’t believe in other people raising our kids. That’s why she doesn’t “work” a job other than taking care of the kids… joint decision… not mine alone.

3. Hire a cleaner.

A) Done.

4. Appreciate that it is A LOT to be giving sex 3-4 times a week ESPECIALLY when having 3 kids, of which one a baby to care for! She's hardly popped something out and you want to stick something back in! Give the woman a break!

 

A) OK, that’s why I’m here… asking if I am asking too much. 

5. Appreciate your wife and take off her immense workload and then eventually you might be getting a wife who'd have enough energy to love you and her children.

A) Whoa… Appreciation is an area that she is not lacking. And who is the one who decided that she has such an immense workload? I never mentioned it before this message. And Love is not something that the kids or I are lacking in either. She is the most loving woman in the world. Hands down the best wife and mother ever!

 

GreenEyedLady:

 

No she is not nursing. She did for the first few months, but dried up after that.

 

Curmudgeon:

 

Have you taken the time and trouble to speak with an OB/GYN about the rigors of childbirth and the physical toll it can take on a woman? If you haven't, you should. If you weren't selfish you would have. It takes a lot of time to recover from not just that but the hours upon hours of motherhood that follow.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I am a physician. I have spoken with a colleague about this, and the response was “There is no Normal”, when it comes to sex after childbirth. After our first daughter was born, we made love 4 days after delivery. Now, I would never recommend that to a patient, but it was mutual.

 

 

So, in closing; Thanks for the input… keep it coming. Any recommendations are appreciated.

 

I love my wife more than life itself... we have the most wonderful, blessed, beautiful family that a guy could ever ask for. I am not ungrateful... and I hope not selfish!

 

RevJPC

[whichwayisup]

Why did you call me OP “Krytie TV”??? What does that mean?

 

OP= original poster

 

I want her to want me the way I want her. Is that too much to ask?

 

Then you have to do your part too! You need to meet her emotional needs and focus on the little things that mean alot to her - Like, bring home flowers, or her favourite food on occasion, get a sitter and have a romantic evening out, woo her! Have a bath together, laugh and enjoy eachother's company...This way you're pleasing her and she'll want to please you back with sex. Hope this makes sense to you.

[quankanne]

my burning question is, has her sex drive been like this all throughout your time together, or just after the last baby? If it's the latter, she sounds like she could be overwhelmed, or maybe her appetite has changed: While she doesn't mind sex, it's more efficient with her schedule to cut to the point. That happens as the body matures ...

[glamgurl36]

yeah...i mean if she was like that before..cant really help you there...but 3 times can be a lot with how busy you guys are...women get very fatigued in my opinion, i know i do, and i don't have kids yet. it's hard sometimes..but i think you guys will work it out..try really talking to her about it in a mature manner if it really bothers you..im sure she loves you very much

[Deanster]

Ummm... yeah. If you're having ANY kind of physical connection 3-4 times a week with 3 kids, one under a year, you're in the category of 'wild crazy massive amounts of sex' category, at least relative to all the parents I know.

 

My kids are 8 and 5, and we're having sex once every couple months - pretty much as low as you can go and still be 'having sex'. I'd kill or die to have lousy, fast, unengaged sex once a week.

 

All that said, I figure that as long as you've got kids who aren't in full-time school, there's not much basis for criticizing the behavior of the mom. As much as I'm unhappy with our sex life, and would like to have long, gentle, involved, caring, loving, engaged sex, it's just not on the docket with small kids. It's not so much that they're physically exhausting (though they can be), but that the small kid 'brain space' is so far away from where women need to be for 'true intimacy', that it's darn hard to bridge the gap at all, much less regularly.

 

I do think that it's important to find ways as suggested above to bridge the gap every once in a while, just so she remembers it exists. A weekend away goes a long way, or so I've heard.

 

Of all the dads of small kids I know, your situation seems in the top 5%. Most moms of small kids conclude pretty quickly that the only person involved who can take care of themself is Dad, and pretty much cut him loose until she has some spare attention to give to him - which can be a long time coming. I understand that it's still frustrating, and not what you're looking for, but I personally think you should bring home flowers and a giant gift for your wife, and thank her for giving your needs as much attention as she has been over the last year.

[Ocean-Blue]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We have 3 children, one that is 9 months old.

 

Our issue (really "My" issue) is making love, or lack thereof. I shouldn't complain too loudly, we do have sex pretty regularly by some standards. Probably average 3-4 times a week. The problem is that I feel as though I have to beg, and then she feels like she is just giving in to keep me off her back.

 

I want her to want me the way I want her. Is that too much to ask?

 

I think that I am a very very giving partner. I would just as soon have foreplay for 6 hours as actual penetration (don't get me wrong, that is the end result, but I love the entire act... not just Wham-Bam). If I were into that, things would be easier. She would love to just have a quickie and get it over with. I am not happy until she has an orgasm. Preferably more than one. I love to go down on her... and I do not ask her to reciprocate, although I would certainly love that once in a while.

 

Like I said before… I just want her to want me the way I want her.

 

Suggestions???

 

 

Rev JPC

 

I've read that the best way to get your woman (especially your wife) to get excited about sex and the like is to do the dishes, the laundry, the cooking and help out with the kids.

 

I'm not even being facetious. I've heard from gfs (who are married) and read various magazine (parenting) articles (written BY mothers and wives) that wives get "in the mood" when their husband helps around the house.

 

So why not try that this week? Make a concerted effort to help her out with household chores, rub her back, softly kiss her and give her some alone time to take a bath or read.

 

Also, with so many things to do and the emotional toll of it all, you're asking for a bit too much. Consider how tired she must be. Don't even bring sex up. Do nice things for. Be her partner. Help her. Listen to her. Leave it at hugging and kissing...

 

You may find that she may be begging YOU for some lovin' for a change.

[Curmudgeon]

Curmudgeon:

 

Have you taken the time and trouble to speak with an OB/GYN about the rigors of childbirth and the physical toll it can take on a woman? If you haven't, you should. If you weren't selfish you would have. It takes a lot of time to recover from not just that but the hours upon hours of motherhood that follow.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I am a physician. I have spoken with a colleague about this, and the response was “There is no Normal”, when it comes to sex after childbirth. After our first daughter was born, we made love 4 days after delivery. Now, I would never recommend that to a patient, but it was mutual.

 

You hadn't mentioned that you were a physician at the time I posted my initial response but that doesn't matter.

 

I'm well aware that there is no "norm" regarding resuming sexual relations following childbirth. Not only am I the father of five children but I'm also married to a midwife. Nor was I speaking primarily of physiological issues. There are also psychological issues to be accounted for and taken into consideration.

 

Beyond that, I'll reiterate that she may be just plain worn out. Motherhood is NOT an easy task and children of any age are wearing. That can affect libido.

 

This is far less a matter for hope-and-poke medicine than one of love, consideration and above all, communication!

 

Don't spend so much time concentrating on your perceived needs and wants that you don't take into account and give equal consideration to hers.

[marriedwithtwo]

I feel your pain, and I totally understand the need to want her to want you, but 3-4 times per week is way more than most could expect. I'll bet you would trade that for 1 time a week where she actually (gasp) tries to attract or seduce you.

 

There are a bunch of suggestions above to take care of her, do things around the house, let her get some time away from kids, etc.

 

While these are things you should be doing anyway because you love her and want her to be relaxed and happy, don't for a SECOND think that has anything to do with sex. She will be pleased and feel love for you, but I do not personally believe the connection is there. Women don't wake up and see that you made her coffee and did the dishes and think "oh wow, I feel more horny already"....

 

It sounds like so many other women whose husbands post here, she just has very little to no libido, and nothing you are going to do is going to change that (especially with young kids). She may give in more, or do things you want (begrudgingly), but until she decides to change, or her libido wakes up, there is NOTHING you can do. Trust me, I'm a few years ahead of you, it just frustrates you thining about it for hours and days. My wife and I have had lengthy, honest, open talks until we are blue in the face. Things may be different for a week or two, but the fact is, she's just not that interested in sex. I try to spank my monkey for relief, and to focus myself on other things (hobbies etc). I realize (like you could) that you have few choices other than leaving, and you just have to live with it, and try not to think about it.

 

The good thing is that it's not personal. No matter how much it hurts you, she just does not see it like you do. She does not equate love and emotional connection with sex like we do. I'm not talking about the qty here (which is lots in my book) but the fact that she could care less and doesn't want it.

 

That's my take.