CallMeCrazy Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Find out your spouse had cheated on you during your marriage or not ever know? I ask this question honestly out of curiosity... If you were going through a divorce or recently ended a marriage would you want to know the whole TRUTH about everything??? Assume you've been having marital issues for several years... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Find out your spouse had cheated on you during your marriage or not ever know? ...is that infidelity occurred. That alone would be the deal-breaker. I would want to know. I might be curious as to the specifics but that would be morbid curiosity, only, and not really germain. If she was unfaithful she'd be gone. End of story! Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Yes I would want to know all the details! It's funny though. I really didn't think we had issues til the 1st affair then when the second one was discovered we went to counseling and he said and did all the right things. But 3,4 & 5th came with a few months of each other this past summer. I wanted to know about all of them! Reasons why, yes like you- what positions, all the sorted details of it all etc. Considering I was the one asking for sex all the time and he refused me! He later learned his ED problem was from his body not his lack of being attracted to me, Ha that was bitter sweet! ( His latest claim was and is - he had affairs because my weight gain from meds made me unattractive to him) Now my weight is down (35 lbs) and I still need to get 25 more off (I'm working on it daily) and he now is 35 lbs heavier. Ain't life grand. Yes, its over and I still want to know all of it. Only he won't do it for me its the only thing I have asked of him. Small price to pay to get out of our marriage but he still refuses. He still won't even tell my why he refuses.?! I wish anyone who has been thru this--- great peace. As you know that is a rare emotion during your discovery of why, how, and when? I wish it for all of us. abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I can never understand anyone who wants to play ostrich, while someone shoots them in the arse... Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 You know, thats a tricky question. It all hinges on suspecting that the cheating was happening in the first place. Would knowing make me happy? No. Would knowing make me better informed so I could make a more educated decision about what I needed to do to be happy again? Ab-so-figgin-lutely! And that is why I would want to know......if I suspected it first. But if everything was rosy, had no complaints about my relationship, or weird, unexplained things making me wonder (or strange pap smears at my yearly!), I'm not so sure I'd want to be clued in. Because I feel that if a person can pull this off and maintain a great relationship, then perhaps they truly are enough for two people. I find it highly unlikely that someone could do this and their SO never pick up on it in the least. If the relationship was already ended, I don't need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I personally wouldn't and as Curmudgeon well puts it, there is little reason for knowing in those circumstances other than morbid curiosity IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 If I were monogamous, I think I would rather never find out, but I can't be sure of that. Another question in the same vain. Would you rather have your SO tell you they are going to start having sex with someone else, or would you rather find out they are cheating? What would hurt you more? Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 With all these "What would hurt more" questions LS must be an emotional masochist's heaven.... Link to post Share on other sites
heftysmurf Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 i wish the SO in my life would have ended on her own and worked on us without me knowing. I am dead now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 In a case where the marriage was ending... yeah, I'd want to know. Otherwise, I'd be torturing myself for months (maybe years), trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. Plus... I'd want the opportunity to be tested for STDs. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I had to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CallMeCrazy Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Personally, I would want my partner to tell me ~ just because I would always wonder anyway. I would also rather have them say, "look this isn't working" and end it before ever entering into an A or if they were contemplating a sexual relationship or event with someone else. Life isn't always that simple though... The reason I ask is because I am in a relationship with a MM who is in the process of a divorce. He contemplating disclosing all of this information to his soon-to-be exW and is really struggling with what to do. He cares for her, but says he is not "in love with her" anymore. He wants to be honest with her, but also doesn't want to hurt her any more than he has to. Obviously, he also has his own interests at heart ~ because he would rather that his two girls don't find out... His therapist told him that if he were going to stay in the marriage to tell her everything, including me ~ but if he plans to end it and move on to leave that detail out and save her the hurt.... I was just curious what other people in similar situations would really want. Thanks for your input! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 It would depend... sometimes not knowing doesn't hurt... especially when the W is comfortable with her kids, her home, her friends, and her low libido... then I would presume it's best NOT to know... Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Personally, I would want my partner to tell me ~ just because I would always wonder anyway. I would also rather have them say, "look this isn't working" and end it before ever entering into an A or if they were contemplating a sexual relationship or event with someone else. Life isn't always that simple though... The reason I ask is because I am in a relationship with a MM who is in the process of a divorce. He contemplating disclosing all of this information to his soon-to-be exW and is really struggling with what to do. He cares for her, but says he is not "in love with her" anymore. He wants to be honest with her, but also doesn't want to hurt her any more than he has to. Obviously, he also has his own interests at heart ~ because he would rather that his two girls don't find out... His therapist told him that if he were going to stay in the marriage to tell her everything, including me ~ but if he plans to end it and move on to leave that detail out and save her the hurt.... I was just curious what other people in similar situations would really want. Thanks for your input! If she doesn't suspect it (meaning never asked him if he is cheating or anything) then I agree with his therapist. But if she does suspect him, he should tell her so she can stop feeling like a crazy person. We rely a lot more than most realize on our gut instinct. When we feel like our partner is cheating or lying and they keep saying "Naw, ain't so.", we stop feeling like we can trust ourselves. So if she suspected him, he can now safely let her know her instincts are true. If she didn't suspect there is no reason to tell her anything other than what part she played in the relationship's failure. that can help her in her next relationship AND save her unnecessary hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
nadia_j2727 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I definitely would want to know. Maybe I'm too curious for my own good -- a glutton for punishment so to speak -- but I would most definitely want to know that there was an affair, because it would help my own understanding of the marriage and what happened to it. I would also want to know the details, because I'm one of those people who tortures myself until I find out everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 It would depend... sometimes not knowing doesn't hurt... especially when the W is comfortable with her kids, her home, her friends, and her low libido... then I would presume it's best NOT to know... You do presume too much. As a knowing participant in hundreds of affairs, I would guess it's to your advantage for the wives or girlfriends of the men you sleep with, to not know. I can't imagine what your life would be if this happened. I would presume that it wouldn't be terribly pleasant or lucrative, for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I would presume that it wouldn't be terribly pleasant or lucrative, for you. That would be my presumption as well. There are more than enough stories of irrate, betrayed spouses around to sustain the fact that flaunting your inviting and willing participation in a married person's betrayal is probably not the best idea in the world. In fact, people have died for less; much less! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 That would be my presumption as well. There are more than enough stories of irrate, betrayed spouses around to sustain the fact that flaunting your inviting and willing participation in a married person's betrayal is probably not the best idea in the world. In fact, people have died for less; much less! Once again, we're in accord. I was the irate, betrayed spouse, one that no OW would want to be at the tender mercies of... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 The reason I ask is because I am in a relationship with a MM who is in the process of a divorce. He contemplating disclosing all of this information to his soon-to-be exW and is really struggling with what to do. He cares for her, but says he is not "in love with her" anymore. He wants to be honest with her, but also doesn't want to hurt her any more than he has to. Obviously, he also has his own interests at heart ~ because he would rather that his two girls don't find out... His therapist told him that if he were going to stay in the marriage to tell her everything, including me ~ but if he plans to end it and move on to leave that detail out and save her the hurt.... I was just curious what other people in similar situations would really want. Thanks for your input! I'd rather know all the reasons my marriage was ending, and the circumstances under which it was ending, than spend the rest of my life wondering what the 'real' story was. Yes, there are probably issues in their marriage which she is aware of, but they obviously weren't enough for him to leave prior to the affair, so the affair is playing a part in the divorce. If I were his wife, I'd be wondering if there was another woman involved since he hadn't wanted the divorce until now. Also, if she was still in love with him to some degree, I think knowing the truth would help her in the long run, though it will hurt like hell in the short run. It's much easier to fall out of love with someone you know was cheating, rather than someone you still love even though things just didn't work out between you. If SHE asked for the divorce, then I don't know. She may not want to know anything more about him because she's over him already. Or, it might explain a lot of things that didn't make sense to her. So, I'd still go with honesty is the best policy - he won't have to keep lying about this secret for the rest of his life (since they do have children, they'll always have to deal with each other in some way). Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Once again, we're in accord. I was the irate, betrayed spouse, one that no OW would want to be at the tender mercies of... ...the initially irate then ultimately grateful betrayed spouse who often thought of sending the OM a thank you card! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 ...the initially irate then ultimately grateful betrayed spouse who often thought of sending the OM a thank you card! That's one way of looking at it. I'm not as forgiving as you. I can't find it in my heart to thank the OW, regardless of the outcome. Any grief I caused her, was time and emotion well-spent... Link to post Share on other sites
hollaxatholly Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Hmm...tha'ts kind of a hard one. My first thought was that I'd definitely want to know! Then I read that the marriage was ending anyways so I was thinking maybe it would just be best to let it go and not have to know anything else to add to the hurt. I guess for me it would depend WHY the marriage was ending and what our problems were. I'm not married or really even in a relationship to even consider divorce...but I think unless it was relevent somehow, I might not want to know. Like say if we were having problems unrelated to infidelity...and we ended it. I wouldn't want him to be like ....oh yeah, i had an affair also. I don't think atleast..I like the truth though, no matter if it hurts or not...so I think I'm a little in between... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 As a man who was married for 25 years, and got two "love / not in love" speaches 18 months apart, went to theripists unsuccessfully with 5 practicioners after the first, and knowing it was useless to try after the second "not in love" I agree'd right away, feeling noble, wanting her to have what she wanted, which I thought was to "start a new life, be a grown up on her own". Of course in three or four days it all came tumbling out. An affair over our total marriage, with her high school sweetheart, with a few other men in between. Honestly I wish I had never known the truth of it. Being noble, butching up, sacrificing for the woman I loved was much preferable to finding out the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 yez I would want to because I would want to know exactly why the marriage was ending. I don't like to live in the dark about things. Link to post Share on other sites
burningman Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 I went off on my wife for telling me at all. It was her problem until she told me. If it was a one night stand mistake, she should have dealt with it on her own. But now that door has been opened.... and I need full disclosure. We didn't have any marital problems though (none yet that she and I can identify anyway) Link to post Share on other sites
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