second to everything

[spooty]

My boyfriend is very good friends with my roommates, and sometimes when he comes over he'll sit in my roommates room and watch tv with her. if she's at her desk he'll run in and jump on her bed, if she's on the bed he'll sit on her exercise ball or something, after she giggles and says "whoa don't jump on meeeee"

anyway, he'll sit in there and chat and watch tv for more time than he'll spend with me. whenever he does come over he's very opposed to being in my room and will only come in to bother me or to get a pepsi. he seems to have no idea how infuriating this is. i let him in the apt, and he pretty much ignores me.

 

he always makes me feel second! he's use homework or other stuff to avoid having me over to his place, or to avoid whatever i want to do. its like he doesn't want to spend alone time with me. he's said that he wants to take a break after college so that we can both grow up without each other, then we'll get back together once we've made our own lives. it's like he wants all the benefits of an established relationship, but without doing the work. like i come second to his life, and he doesn't see it as an option to build a life together, just two separate ones.

 

i've called him out on putting friends before me (especially since they're supposed to be MY friends) and he said that they're just friends, and i'm the one that matters. the reason he doesn't spend as much time or talk to me about everything is because i matter more. since i'm more "permanent" he has to keep me at arms length to feel safe and so we don't get too boring. ugh.

 

i dunno what to do, we're friends at least, the rest of our relationship is fading away because he's avoiding any sort of closeness. should i just stop letting him come over? even when i don't invite him he shows up sometimes, but never asks for any other roommate to let him in. should stay in my room and ignore him while he's here? i feel like the farther he gets from me, the closer he gets to someone else...

this is so weird, he's pretty much pledged himself to me, after grad school, and he won't cheat, but he doesn't get that commitment is only part of the package!

[Lizzie62]

Sounds like he might be using you to get closer to your roommate?

What is he like when you do actully spend time together-nice, sweet, caring? Or just moody and distant?

[Bryanp]

It does sounds like he is using you to get near the roommate. Why do you put up with this? He is so disrespecting you. Don't settle for this. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[squeak]

anyway, he'll sit in there and chat and watch tv for more time than he'll spend with me. whenever he does come over he's very opposed to being in my room and will only come in to bother me or to get a pepsi. he seems to have no idea how infuriating this is. i let him in the apt, and he pretty much ignores me.

Sweetie-you need to take a good look at the reality of the situation. This is not some rnadom behavior you can convince him to stop-he is moving in on your roomie while trying to snow you with BS!

 

he always makes me feel second! he's use homework or other stuff to avoid having me over to his place, or to avoid whatever i want to do. its like he doesn't want to spend alone time with me. he's said that he wants to take a break after college so that we can both grow up without each other, then we'll get back together once we've made our own lives. it's like he wants all the benefits of an established relationship, but without doing the work. like i come second to his life, and he doesn't see it as an option to build a life together, just two separate ones.

That is exactly right- but add to that he is basically breaking up with you while making sure you stick around on the back burner in case this thing with your roomie doesn't work out, or someone else.

 

i've called him out on putting friends before me (especially since they're supposed to be MY friends) and he said that they're just friends, and i'm the one that matters. the reason he doesn't spend as much time or talk to me about everything is because i matter more. since i'm more "permanent" he has to keep me at arms length to feel safe and so we don't get too boring. ugh.

okay-so he is basically feeding you BS and trying to get you to accept way less than even an acquanitance would get. Do you realize you are being demoted? Relationships can't survive "gentle downgrades"....I get the feeling you know what is up, but are in deep denial.

i dunno what to do, we're friends at least, the rest of our relationship is fading away because he's avoiding any sort of closeness. should i just stop letting him come over? even when i don't invite him he shows up sometimes, but never asks for any other roommate to let him in. should stay in my room and ignore him while he's here? i feel like the farther he gets from me, the closer he gets to someone else...

this is so weird, he's pretty much pledged himself to me, after grad school, and he won't cheat, but he doesn't get that commitment is only part of the package!

 

Listen-he does get that commitment is part of the package-but he is not sure anymore that that is what he wants with you. I know this hurts, but it'll be worse if you don't see what is happening. He is basically breaking up with you in the cruelest most selfish way possible. Don't let him come over and hang out with your roomie.

 

I am not sure where or how he pledged himself to you after grad school part happned?

That doesn't make sense-look at his actions-not his words.

He is snowing you with words while backing away, it is up to you to not be pulled along and make the preemptive strike to end it before it gets even worse. Like-him and your roomie start going out together.

 

Because his actions say he is breaking up with you while keeping you around as a fallback girl.

[spooty]

ugh today i got home from class and he's there playing my video games with my other roommates! (not the one he's "close" to) i feel like he's stealing all my friends! he always comes in and takes them for himself or takes them onto his side.

the roommate that he's close to, she doesn't really care all that much for him. i read chat logs (yeah yeah...) and what i get from it is that he's looking for a confidant and a close friend, and she likes the attention, but gets annoyed and doesn't care all that much about him when he's not saying he's proud or impressed with her achievements (like owing a house ......that her dad bought her! that princess...)

this hurts because he's trying to make a connection with someone else while telling me he can't connect with anyone.

she doesn't want him, but whenever i'm there with him her attitude changes, she'll do whatever she can to get his attention, like slapping her own ass, screaming like a little girl, announcing everything she does and sitting next to him. she's very competitive, and i think she just likes to win, she'd never do anything with him because she thinks she's much better than him.

 

when i got back today all i said to him was "oh, you're here!" because it was a surprise, then i just put some things in the dishwasher, took a shower and went in my room to study (i DO have a test tonight!)

he's been here for at least an hour and hasn't said a thing to me.

 

i'm not in denial about what's going on, i've turned off all feelings for him though i can't turn off jealousy. i know what's going on, i just don't know what to do now, he's friends with my friends, he keeps his TV and some video game stuff in my apt (cuz it's bigger), and i've brought this up to him before. the last time i said i was done we had a long talk and he somehow convinced me to "grow into a stronger person" for us. As for after grad school, he said that on our 10th anniversary (after grad school and jobs for 5 years) we'll find each other and "i'll care about you just the same and it will be just like our first kiss five years ago when we got together". so in 5 years once he's done growing up he wants to come back to me and have all the security with none of the work?? in the 5 years we've been together whenever one of us tries to break up it just means a fight, and not a break up. we've never been broken up for more than a month. though one summer we took a break and i dated around, i don't think he did though.

well i'm not letting him in my apt anymore, and i won't go to his place. that should at least put some distance between me and him for now, until i figure out a way to get him out of my life.