Am I doomed in relationships? Can I rekindle and save this one??

[mnk4evr812003]

Hello all..

 

My name is Brit, i'm 22 and I have never been more confused before. Here is my story:

 

My boyfriend, Matt,who is 21, and I have been dating for almost 10 months and this has been my longest relationship. Matt treats me good and cares about me alot.

 

While Matt ended a bad relationship of 2 years not long before we started dating, I ended a long-distance relationship of 7 months w/ a guy who treated me like sh*$ and controlled me about 2 months before Matt and I met. Matt and I met through a friend, we talked to eachother on the phone one night, met the next day and 3 days after, slept together. Yea, it was rushed. But when we first met, we felt like we knew eachother from somewhere, we clicked well. Thay's why sleeping together so soon didn't bother us, until after the fact, but that's a different story.

 

Not too long after that, we started saying I love you, which again was too soon. We realized that it was just too soon so we stopped, and said "I miss you" in place of I love you. Yea, it was cheesy.

 

To make a long story short, we started saying the I loves you's later on. I felt like I did love him.

 

Then, about 4 months after, the stress from my job, among other things, started to take it's toll on me, and I would snap at Matt and get irritated by him for no reason. About once a month, I would get in such a crappy mood that I would even bring up the idea of breaking up and how unhappy I was, and twice we took short breaks from eachother, that lasted a couple of days until one of us would break down and call the other person. But my moodiness gets very bad sometimes, especially when i'm drinking and I say a bunch of mean things. Later on I always feel bad. Recently, this pattern of mine was brought up again because I was in a bad mood. This time, Matt didn't take it. We got into a long arguement, about why I act like this and if we should break up. But I can't see myself without him.

 

At the same time, i'm unsure about this relationship and I don't know If I love Matt or not. He is a great guy, with some minor flaws but noneoftheless, we actually get along good when i'm not in a bad mood and we do have some things in common. So why do I feel like this? If you don't know if you love someone after 10 months, that can't be a good thing..right? I just know that i'm tired of my attitude and I know he is too. I want to make things better but how? Any advice or tips? I don't want to lose him but I also know he deserves to be treated good-always. I think part of me is commitment-phobic as well, but I want to learn how to commit. I know I must sound so stupid, but I need help because I want to fix my relationshp a.s.a.p.

 

Any advice would be helpful!

 

 

Thank you for listening

[Tony T]

It sounds like you use your drinking, moodiness, etc. as an avoidance strategy because of subconscious fears of intimacy. As long as you keep up this kind of behavior, there will be no real closeness of any length of time. The behavior has no other purpose.

 

I say this for a number of reasons...basically a little stress at work is irrelevant to a relationship (or doesn't have to be) and you always get back together after these very short breakups.

 

He's getting tired of your pattern but my guess is that you love him a great deal and are doing everything you can to fight it. Well, you may have lost him this time...who knows. But you need to look deep down inside yourself to find out why you are so terrified of making a committment to someone you love, minus all the chaos and drama.

[mnk4evr812003]

Tony,

 

It's guess it's safe to say that I do subconsciently try to avoid any closeness or intimacy. Why i'm like this, I don't know. Maybe it's because in my last relationship, I was hurt big time. I was always the "bad guy". When I did start loving that guy, something would happen to change that. Like I said before, Matt isn't perfect and noone is. He does have some flaws, but he usually goes out of his way to do nice things for me. I feel bad because even though I do appreciate the things he does for me, I just turn around and be a complete bi*$c to him. Why is my mind so screwed up? I have a good guy in my life but I don't treat him as good as he should be treated. I'm so confused.

 

The thing that worries me is, after the first couple of real arguements we've had lately, my feelings for him aren't as good as they used to be. I thought I loved him, but I really don't know anymore. Matt says I won't let him get close to me, but it's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't know how to. I don't want to feel like this anymore. But I can't figure out how to change it and make it better. It's almost like in almost every relationship I've had, things go good the first few months then boom! My snapping,uncertainty and moodiness kicks in and usually gets so bad that I break up with them or they get so sick of me that they break up with me. It's a horrible cycle that I really really want to change. I can't keep doing this to myself, to Matt or to anyone else I end up dating if this doesn't work out. I used to be able to discuss the future, as in the possibility of marriage and kids with Matt. Maybe I scared myself.

 

What should I do?? I want to try to work things out with Matt but how would you go about it if you were me??

[midori]

you know, it sounds to me like you've got some issues with yourself that you need to sort out if you want to have a good relationship that can last.

 

Think about it: you're often mean to a person you admire, a person who is kind to you. What prompts the nastiness in you? If it isn't something he has done, and if it isn't just a fluke bit of weird behavior (which it doesn't sound like) then you must have some unconscious reason for doing it.

 

When you factor in your waning feelings for your bf after you've had some fights, one might get the idea that you are very very insecure. Maybe you can't imagine that someone could recognize your flaws and sometimes get angry with you but STILL love you. Maybe you subconsciously think that unless a guy blindly worships you (in which case he would never argue with you), you'll never be loved. And when your bf does seem to be incredibly nice, you think there's something wrong with him, or maybe you just try to push him to "see the light" and reach the conclusion that you feel is inevitable -- that he doesn't love you after all, that you're not worthy.

 

Maybe I'm way off base. It's just one possibility. But whatever is going on with you, it does sound like it's to do with you, not with him.

 

you might want to think about getting some counseling.

[NEONINK]

Counseling sounds like a good idea. And you stated, "when i'm drinking and I say a bunch of mean things. Later on I always feel bad. "

 

Perhaps drinking lowers your inhabitions and and you just don't like the guy deep down, and you real feelings show. Or perhaps you don't like yourself, and you think Matt shouldn't like you either, so you push him away.

 

I've learned recently, we should get into relationships because we WANT them, not because we NEED them. If you are trying to fill up a void in your life with a relationship, then it will never work. You have to fill that void within yourself, because another person only supplements your life, AFTER you are already complete.

 

I hope you find what it is.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Sometimes, when we have been in a relationship for an extended amount of time, we have a tendency to become lax and way too comfortable with our situation. We take for granted that our partner’s love is unconditional, and often make them our emotional punching bags. It is never wise to presume that just because our partner has forgiven our bad behavior in the past, that they will continue to be a “safe place” to dump our emotional toxic waste. So often, people treat their partners with less respect than they would a close friend, classmate, or colleague at work.

 

So why is it that we treat the people who love us most…the worst? And why should we expect them to be any more tolerant of our behavior than anyone else?

 

Talk to your boss the same way you speak to your boyfriend, and you’ll be fired. Treat your friends rudely, and you’ll soon find yourself without any. And continue to lash out at your boyfriend just because “you’ve had a bad day” or “had too much to drink” and he’ll soon be out the door.

 

A little kindness and respect will go a long way both in your professional and personal life. Don’t ever forget to take the time just to say “thank you” to your partner for the little things they do. Gently lean on them if you’ve had a bad day, but never, ever, make them your personal martyr!