How can I get past my insecurities and move forward w/ him?

[Heartbrokenprincess]

have had problems with insecurity and jealousy for a while now. I feel that alot of it stems from my childhood. Unfortunately, I have grown up in a family where practically every man has been unfaithful to his girlfriend/wife. My father cheated on my mother, uncles have cheated on my aunts, etc...

 

As far as my boyfriend goes, he and I were together for about 2 years. Things were literally amazing between us for a very long time. He had always been a very friendly guy, but he made sure that I met all of his friends, and I never suspected him of anything.

 

Fast forward to when he transferred schools. He made a TON of female friends that used to call him at all hours of the night/early morning. This caused a rift in our bond bc I began to think that there was more going on. He swore that it was in my head, but I soon found out that one of these girls kissed him. I was devastated and ended it. We briefly got back together for about 24 hours (lol), but the next day he told me that he knew that he loved me and always would, but he was unsure if he could handle a serious relationship anymore. That was it for me. I stopped speaking to him completely, and began trying to pick up the pieces of my heart.

 

After about a month of no contact, he comes back and tells me that he just became very confused. He said that he made an abrupt decision without thinking it through. People were telling him that he was young and needed to date others, and he began to listen. He said that I had always been an amazing girlfriend, and he doesn't know what came over him. He said that the time apart showed him that I am, and have always been the girl for him, and if I were to give him another chance, he wouldn't mess it up. He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go. He and I are working on our friendship and trying to slowly move past this.

 

My question is, I really want this to work, so how can I overcome my insecurities and feelings of jealousy. He still continues to get in touch with and make female friends whenever he goes somewhere, and I don't want to let it drive me crazy...any advice?

 

(By the way, he is 21 and I am 20).

[spiggetywicks]

If you find an answer you let me know. I've been off and on with my ex for 5 years now (currently in the off position). Everytime we get back together, she can say all she wants that she'll never hurt me but somehow I feel that she will. Thus my insecurity in the relationship. Sometimes it feels better when we start over with someone new, but as time goes by with the new person we usually see and remember what good times we had with the other person. Give yourself time to get over this. Tell him that you would like some time to think this through. If he gets upset throw the "I don't want to make sudden decisions without thinking it through". Play the game. Tell him to give you time. If he calls before 2 days asking anything about the relationship, he's in panic mode trying to push you. If he gives you more than 2 weeks without hearing from him. He obviously isnt serious. I know many on here will say I'm telling you to play games, which it slightly is. But if you want to establish a long term commitment with this dude, you're going to have to test his love. Hope things work out for you. I know I'll be on the long road myself. We'll wish each other luck.

[cj1988]

Unfortunately I know about this all to well, I have been that way for years now. It does come from childhood and the only thing that has helped was therapy. I waited way to long to start, but late is better than never.

[Just Visiting]

I think based on you seeing male relatives cheat on their spouses, you grew to believe that ALL men cheat. Transferring that belief into your life, you constantly searched for clues that your bf is going to cheat on you. And then finally something did. A girl kissed him. Not the most heinous thing to happen but enough for you to be aware.

 

You are 20 years old. An excellent time to unlearn beliefs about men and yourself. Better at 20 than at 60, and still dealing with the same issue. I suggest going back into therapy because when you really think about it, this has to do with you, not him. He is just someone who brought that issue up into your face in order to do something about it. No time like the present.

 

While going through therapy, find a friend or family member who you can bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Preferably someone who has been to hell and back and learned from those experiences. A personal mentor of some sort. They can be a valuable resource.

[CD111]

I have been on there end of the spectrum. I have been accused of cheating in every relationship I have had, I never have or would even think about doing anything like that. To tell you the truth I am pretty much fed up with that. I have had and always will have lots of male friends, and that's just the way it is. The way I see it is if I was interested in my friends I wouldn't be dating anyone else, but the guys just can't figure that out. Jealously and insecurity have broken up more then one of my relationships and recently my sister broke up with her boyfriend for the same reasons. He just couldn't handle the fact that she had male friends. I realize that you grew up with men cheating, but so did I. I can understand how that has affected you, but you are an adult and should be able to work through your issues. For a relationship to be healthy you have to trust the other person and visa versa. Being constantly accused of cheating sucks.

 

Amendment: I understand your x kissed another girl. I would be pretty mad also if my guy did something like that also. There is no excuse for that what so ever, but your relationship was probably strained due to your insecurity. You probably have no idea how unattractive insecurity makes a person. It's a total turn off for me. Confidence, good self esteem and being comfortable with who you are is sooooo important not only when you are dating, but also in a relationship. Also you both just moved away to college. The new location, people, stresses and lifestyle already strain relationships on there own. Seems like both of you need to do some personal improvement before you get back together.