31 Reasons to Stop an Affair?

[nadiaj2727]

Hi, I've read about this article or e-book called "31 Reasons to Stop an Affair", and there was a link provided in one of the other OW threads (or maybe it was infidelity thread? I can't remember) to it... but when I click on it, it doesn't show up on my computer. Does anyone have a copy of the this e-book that they can cut and paste or email to me, or does anyone know where I can find it online? Because the link I tried to click on (from Affairrecovery.com) doesn't work. Just thought I'd check on here. Thanks...

 

~Nadia

[Virgo1982]

Hi, I've read about this article or e-book called "31 Reasons to Stop an Affair", and there was a link provided in one of the other OW threads (or maybe it was infidelity thread? I can't remember) to it... but when I click on it, it doesn't show up on my computer. Does anyone have a copy of the this e-book that they can cut and paste or email to me, or does anyone know where I can find it online? Because the link I tried to click on (from Affairrecovery.com) doesn't work. Just thought I'd check on here. Thanks...

 

~Nadia

 

 

I read it. It has some pretty good points but indicates that the OW is almost always a step down from the W.

 

Do you think you're worth less than M women and ones who've never participated in an affair?

[KATANYA]

Hi Nadia....here is the link. It should open but sometimes requires a few minutes. You also need an updated version of adobe.

 

http://www.affairrecovery.com/files/31Reasons.pdf

 

Hope it works.

[nadiaj2727]

Thanks Katayna, that's the same link I tried but I didn't realize I had to have a new version of Acrobat Reader. That must be the problem, I'll upgrade!! Thanks a lot. ~Nadia

[imstunned]

I was interested to have a look at this as I have never heard of it - but even having a brief look at the notion that people affair down had made me decide not to.

 

WHat a load of total BULL SH*T!!

[nadiaj2727]

Virgo--

 

I read it. It has some pretty good points but indicates that the OW is almost always a step down from the W.

 

Do you think you're worth less than M women and ones who've never participated in an affair?

 

No. At one time my character was worse than women who've never participated/ would not participate in an affair, and in this sense I think my xMM's W's character was better than mine the entire time (assuming she's never had an A). But I've improved that and I now live by principles including not having affairs, so my character is no longer worse than women who've never participated in an affair, because I am a woman who will not participate in an affair.

 

As far as married women go... well, who knows, I think there are some married women with horrible character and some with great character, so I can't say. Except as far as character goes, I've never felt myself to be "worth less" than married women or any other woman. I think all women are worth a lot.

 

As far as xMM's W... I can see how I would be a "step down" for him in some ways, just because his wife is so much more financially/ career-wise stable and they have built a life together with nice things that in no way compares to my little condo and my just-starting-out job lol. (I think that's one of the reasons he was attracted to me... his wife was independent enough so as not to seek his validation, and I gave him an ego stroke by really needing his opinion/ life experience on things). Of course, I'm like 25 years younger than his wife (who is older than him) so that's just natural. But in other ways I think he saw me as a "step up" because he would say I am prettier, more lively in bed, more fun to go out with, took an interest in his interests, communicated with him well, we had a better "connection", etc. (It's not like he sat there and compared her to me but these were all things he'd mentioned at one time or another.)

 

So I guess it's how you measure the "worth" but to me it's messed up to begin with... a man should not be seeking a step up or step down if he's married, the W shouldn't tolerate it, and the OW (which was me in the past) shouldn't have any part of it. So who cares if I was a step up or a step down lol. I am worth a LOT and will be a HUGE step up to a single, available, good guy.

 

PS If you ask me, objectively speaking his W and I are worth exactly the same thing, which is *much* more than he ever offered either of us!!! Therefore being with him was a "step down" for both of us. (But not anymore for me, yay!!!)

[NoIDidn't]

As far as xMM's W... I can see how I would be a "step down" for him in some ways, just because his wife is so much more financially/ career-wise stable and they have built a life together with nice things that in no way compares to my little condo and my just-starting-out job lol.

 

This is typically what is meant by a "step down", as in the OW many times doesn't have as much to offer the MM were he to go to her.

 

It could be seen as offensive if one wants to take it that way. But when comparing a R that's established with one that is going to have many strikes against it already (spousal support, child support, former in-lwa contact, contact with ex because of kids, kids from previous R, bills from other R, having to share retirement accounts and the like with the ex first, etc., etc., etc.), its easy to see why some see the AP as a step down. Your whole life and lifestyle is going to have to change.

 

Plus the guy writing it was once a WS, so he is really giving the reader a view of some of the concerns in the MM head as he weighs things one against the other. Sometimes the OW comes out with more in her favor, oftentimes, not.

[KATANYA]

I don't buy into the 'step down' theory but the section titled 5 types of affairs is interesting and there is merit to the fact that there are distinctions between the 'fling' one nighter and A's that really do involve strong emotions and relationships. I'm sure the site is intended to support the whole 'save the marriage' concept but there are some interesting points there as well from what I've seen.

[nadiaj2727]

Yeah, I'm not offended by it, and as much as my xMM told me he wanted to divorce his W and marry me, I realized that there was little sense in that... SHE was the one who took vows with him and spent 16 years making a life with him and putting up with his BS. I didn't want him to replace his wife with me, I just wanted the chance to date him normally and see where our feelings would lead (which is what he told me we were doing in the beginning, when he was supposedly separated and on his way to divorce court... uh huh).

 

During one of our final break-up talks I'd told him, "I can see that there's some reason you haven't gotten the divorce you've said for 8 months you've been wanting for years and years and that you were supposedly already on your way to getting when you met me. I think it might be the comfort and security your marriage provides, even though you say you're no longer in love with your wife. It can be hard to leave such a familiar and stable life for someone you've only known for a year or so, with no guarantees that I'll be here for the rest of your life, and starting over from scratch with someone almost half your age and life experience." I wasn't angry when I said it (although I was/ am still angry with him about a lot of things), I just tried to express it calmly and realistically and rationally, and he admitted that although he hadn't thought of it that way (yeah right... I know the thought of "oh my god, I won't be able to live in my nice big house anymore ever, and have someone to take care of my dogs when I go on long trips!" crossed his mind because he had TOLD me that they were some of the "emotionally hard" aspects of getting divorced) that was a big reason he had dragged his feet on getting divorced.

 

I want a man who takes risks to be with me. I am worth dating for what I have to offer now, not as an exciting and adventurous "replacement" to a dry, boring marriage. And when I've invested 16 years in a marriage, *my* future H better not "step down" (or up, or any which way) to an affair partner without realizing that he's going to lose a *lot* to be with his exciting new OW... including me and everything I'll have given him for the past 16 years. I think it's only fair that it works this way. He can't have his cake and eat it too... he has to decide and leave the comfortable life with W to start a new one with the OW, or stay with the W faithfully and let the OW go start her own life with someone else.

 

 

Definitely not offended... I totally see how it's "stepping down" into a less posh and secure lifestyle, to say the least. Unless two very established people, in the same stages of their life/ career/ etc. somehow decide to divorce their partners and marry each other and play house-swap or something.... I just can't see it working any other way.

[imstunned]

Have to say I didnt read it, I cant allow my self to read anything thats going to make me feel even worse than I already do - but the bit that I did glimpse at said that people in affairs rarely end up with a "better" person. thats where I stopped reading - I have just read the whole affair down bit - and it says about one man whose OW was no match for his wife "carol" in terms of character, loyalty etc etc. And it finishes by telling the reader to open their eyes as there is no such thing as a move up when it comes to an affair.

 

Yeah - I find that whole notion pretty offensive. -

[nadiaj2727]

imstunned --

 

I agree it's offensive when read in that light and I also think there *can* be a step-up during an affair. When I started being involved with xMM I was engaged and we were just starting to plan our lives together -- he had a small but sufficient house, a moderate salary, I was just starting my career, etc. (I should have stayed right there -- I was very happy). But when I met xMM I was like, "Wow, he's a powerful partner who makes a lot of money, he's so much more established, etc." (I'm not saying I was primarily attracted to him b/c of his position/ money... but it was a noticeable difference between him and my fiance, of course b/c my fiance was 34 and xMM was 47!) So my affair with xMM (before I broke up with my fiance... I guess that's still an affair even though we weren't married) was a "step up" for me in terms of the possibilities of a more established, "secure" life. (But now I see that it was really a step down because xMM had such a worse character than my ex-fiance and was not able to give me true security since he STAYED MARRIED lol, and I would have been much better off with my fiance... so I don't know, maybe that's what the article means, that even if it SEEMS like a step up for some reasons, it's a step down for others? Just like being with me was a step up in some aspects for xMM but also a step down in some other aspects.)

 

Now I'm confused lol... but who cares, if reading the articles makes you feel crappy, you shouldn't do it. There are much better things out there to read to cheer you up!!

[NoIDidn't]

Do consider that the article is written to the person that is married and cheating.

 

In the case of those that know that the MM is indeed married, the author has a point in stating that he knew his W was more loyal than the OW. As far as he knew, his W wasn't cheating on him and never had, so she was loyal and devoted. And as far as his OW was showing him, she was willing to be with him in a secret R knowing that he was married. A lot of men use that fact to justify hurting the OW because "she knew what she was getting into, and was already cool with it".

 

But that's all I'll say about that.

[Virgo1982]

Virgo--

 

I read it. It has some pretty good points but indicates that the OW is almost always a step down from the W.

 

Do you think you're worth less than M women and ones who've never participated in an affair?

 

No. At one time my character was worse than women who've never participated/ would not participate in an affair, and in this sense I think my xMM's W's character was better than mine the entire time (assuming she's never had an A). But I've improved that and I now live by principles including not having affairs, so my character is no longer worse than women who've never participated in an affair, because I am a woman who will not participate in an affair.

 

As far as married women go... well, who knows, I think there are some married women with horrible character and some with great character, so I can't say. Except as far as character goes, I've never felt myself to be "worth less" than married women or any other woman. I think all women are worth a lot.

 

As far as xMM's W... I can see how I would be a "step down" for him in some ways, just because his wife is so much more financially/ career-wise stable and they have built a life together with nice things that in no way compares to my little condo and my just-starting-out job lol. (I think that's one of the reasons he was attracted to me... his wife was independent enough so as not to seek his validation, and I gave him an ego stroke by really needing his opinion/ life experience on things). Of course, I'm like 25 years younger than his wife (who is older than him) so that's just natural. But in other ways I think he saw me as a "step up" because he would say I am prettier, more lively in bed, more fun to go out with, took an interest in his interests, communicated with him well, we had a better "connection", etc. (It's not like he sat there and compared her to me but these were all things he'd mentioned at one time or another.)

 

So I guess it's how you measure the "worth" but to me it's messed up to begin with... a man should not be seeking a step up or step down if he's married, the W shouldn't tolerate it, and the OW (which was me in the past) shouldn't have any part of it. So who cares if I was a step up or a step down lol. I am worth a LOT and will be a HUGE step up to a single, available, good guy.

 

PS If you ask me, objectively speaking his W and I are worth exactly the same thing, which is *much* more than he ever offered either of us!!! Therefore being with him was a "step down" for both of us. (But not anymore for me, yay!!!)

 

I guess it's all in the name of saving a M. I will admit, logic left me when I read that segment.

 

I agree with you when you say "at one time." Your PS is definitely true! I don't think men like that even look within themselves until they are much older.

 

For instance, there was a guy who had a good woman at home. They were engaged and had been together since they were about 15 (they're in their 30's now) She got tired of his cheating ways and kicked him to the curb. All he can do now is talk about how she "gave up" on him. I wonder how that makes her feel. I would be livid. I put up with your cheating ways for 15 years and you say I "gave up?" Wow, I do feel sorry for him though. I couldn't imagine going through life being trapped in my own personal hell like that. No growth. Just me and my distorted thoughts.

 

At 53 my father now regrets what he put my mother through. Now, she's engaged with a nice home and a good job, while he's still trying to make a life for himself. He's still talking about how he loves her and all, but she has definitely moved on. I don't think those deep feelings go away, but I seriously doubt she has any regrets.

[KATANYA]

PS If you ask me, objectively speaking his W and I are worth exactly the same thing, which is *much* more than he ever offered either of us!!! Therefore being with him was a "step down" for both of us. (But not anymore for me, yay!!!)

 

 

Love this statement - so true so many times!!!

[Gwyneth]

A lot of men use that fact to justify hurting the OW because "she knew what she was getting into, and was already cool with it".

 

This is how it is with me and MM. I know what I am getting myself into, so no promises, and no loss at heart. He has compared me with his wife, and I felt kind of funny that he was doing that, as he would make comments that with her, he'll never having anything nice. I might have a nice job and some college degrees, but it doesn't mean that if he left her and married me, we'd be happy both emotionally and/or financially.

 

Interesting book.

[Virgo1982]

Have to say I didnt read it, I cant allow my self to read anything thats going to make me feel even worse than I already do - but the bit that I did glimpse at said that people in affairs rarely end up with a "better" person. thats where I stopped reading - I have just read the whole affair down bit - and it says about one man whose OW was no match for his wife "carol" in terms of character, loyalty etc etc. And it finishes by telling the reader to open their eyes as there is no such thing as a move up when it comes to an affair.

 

Yeah - I find that whole notion pretty offensive. -

 

I know a guy who has a site like this (motivational) His "testimonials" were a bunch of bologna. I don't even believe a MM who lies about being M to "find love" should even part his lips to speak about someone being a "step-down." However, I can see where Nadia is coming from.

 

I think this guy has valid insight, but do I believe everything that comes out of an expert's mouth? No. They are human just like us.

[american-woman]

I don`t really think the OW/OM is about looks ect. Its about how she/he feeds the OP ego. The OP usually needs their ego stroked(emotional need). Thats why alot of BS are usually shocked when they find out the OP is`nt that great looking.

[nadiaj2727]

I don`t really think the OW/OM is about looks ect. Its about how she/he feeds the OP ego. The OP usually needs their ego stroked(emotional need). Thats why alot of BS are usually shocked when they find out the OP is`nt that great looking.

 

My xMM definitely had an emotional need for his ego to be stroked (which I realized later, not at first of course... I didn't sign up to be an ego stroker lol!) I'm sure it also helped that I was a lot younger and also happen to be good looking (not to brag lol).

 

I can't just crap on him though, I also had some emotional needs that he filled, that now I realize were just stupid of me. Just because he provided me with a lot of support/ advice at work and he gave me all of these amazing compliments doesn't mean I should have slept with him/ started an A with him (although back then he told me he was separated and almost divorced). I should have already *known* all the compliments and that I could do just fine at work on my own, and I should have told him, "why thanks," and left it at that. Next time I will NOT be fooled b/c I've taken care of my emotional needs on my own. I'm pretty sure he still has an emotional need to have his ego stroked... I don't know how he'll fill that one on his own lol.

[EmeraldI's]

Doesn't everyone like to be told nice things about themselves? Don't you do that when you are dating a single guy?

 

I don't see the negative in needing your ego stroked...Women's needs are just usually slightly different...And if you don't met your partner's needs they usually find other ways to get them met...

 

It's really not rocket science...

[White Flower]

PS If you ask me, objectively speaking his W and I are worth exactly the same thing, which is *much* more than he ever offered either of us!!! Therefore being with him was a "step down" for both of us. (But not anymore for me, yay!!!)

 

 

Excellent! I love how far you have come Nadia!

 

Keep smiling...

[White Flower]

I don`t really think the OW/OM is about looks ect. Its about how she/he feeds the OP ego. The OP usually needs their ego stroked(emotional need). Thats why alot of BS are usually shocked when they find out the OP is`nt that great looking.

 

This is an excellent point.

 

I ran into a colleague from a former company at the gym. She was always gorgeous and very intelligent. Savvy. Her H of 21 years had been cheating on her since before the wedding! The OW knocked on her door one day and told her the whole story. The OW was not pretty at all. My colleague then said to me, "You know, it's not how pretty they are...it's HOW they make the man feel." That was a profound statement.

 

And I have used it to my advantage in my current A. Just kidding. I'm in a silly mood today.

 

I don't think I am any prettier than my MM's W. In fact, she is in much better shape than I am in. She would just die if she knew he could be attracted to someone like me, I'm sure. He happens to like the Jane Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe, and Mae West types. Plus I do stroke his ego because it's not hard to do. (For those who don't know I am ending it.) But I just wanted to agree with this point.

 

But even if we do fulfill the ego need, this precious gift we give doesn't seem to buy us (for lack of a better word) this man for ourselves. I don't think we are a step down, but I do think these men see us as a temporary fix, or drug. I think I'll click on the article and read it before I write a book here. Sorry Nadia.

[OWoman]

Doesn't everyone like to be told nice things about themselves? Don't you do that when you are dating a single guy?

 

SGs are a lot more needy in that regard than MMs, in my experience! SGs still have this sense of entitlement, this demanding expectation that they become the centre of the universe in a R, while MMs have usually had those expectations downsized by M!

 

But what SGs take for granted, MMs appreciate, because they have a point of continuous comparison, in the M, not just the selective memory of failed previous Rs.

 

This morning when the alarm went off I put it on snooze so that MM and I could cuddle a bit more first before we had to get up for work. It cost 9 minutes of my life, and some heavier traffic, but the look of utter disbelief and overwhelming love in his face melted me. A SG would have thought nothing of it.

[reboot]

SGs are a lot more needy in that regard than MMs, in my experience! SGs still have this sense of entitlement, this demanding expectation that they become the centre of the universe in a R, while MMs have usually had those expectations downsized by M!

 

But what SGs take for granted, MMs appreciate, because they have a point of continuous comparison, in the M, not just the selective memory of failed previous Rs.

 

This morning when the alarm went off I put it on snooze so that MM and I could cuddle a bit more first before we had to get up for work. It cost 9 minutes of my life, and some heavier traffic, but the look of utter disbelief and overwhelming love in his face melted me. A SG would have thought nothing of it.

See, you guys have to be careful how you put things. I guess I understand what you meant, but someone could easily interpret this like, "I prefer a half a man I can more easily control". I mean, haven't you already referred to yours as an abused dog?

 

I think most of us married guys would prefer to be thought of as having been matured by marriage, and not "downsized" by it.

[nadiaj2727]

SGs are a lot more needy in that regard than MMs, in my experience! SGs still have this sense of entitlement, this demanding expectation that they become the centre of the universe in a R, while MMs have usually had those expectations downsized by M!

 

 

This is such a true point! (although I'm not sure about the downsizing of expectations, since I haven't been married.) I look at it as: ideally I'll find a single guy who is already pretty happy with what he has in life and ready to share it with me. We will both be appreciative of what the other brings to our live, and at some points we may accidentally take that for granted, because that's the nature of being a happy individual person in a relationship -- at some times you really appreciate the other person and at some times you accidentally concentrate too much on your own stuff.

 

With my xMM, it was quite the opposite -- he was very very unhappy with what he had (his W and his past life of 15 years with her... or at least that's how he saw it when he met me) and was needing me to help distract him from that or fix his life or rescue him from his unhappiness. (Kind of like the abused dog theory lol, although of course at the time, when I was blinded by my emotions for him, I didn't think of him as an abused dog, but now looking back I totally do). It makes sense that he was very needy and appreciative of the smallest things. I would do something I would do in any relationship -- like the early morning cuddling you described -- and he would be so grateful. But I realized that he was grateful b/c it was a slice of fantasy compared to the reality he had been living in (or felt he had been living in... I'm sure at one time his W had cuddled with him in the morning and might like to still do so if he hadn't been with me!

 

I've decided I will take good old reality -- a real relationship, as boring or unappreciative as it can someitmes get -- over a fantasy relationship where my purpose in life is to please him and stroke his ego. But I do understand why some women prefer being a man's fantasy, because it's very exciting and romantic, without the "hassle" of everyday relationship ups and downs.

[White Flower]

This is typically what is meant by a "step down", as in the OW many times doesn't have as much to offer the MM were he to go to her.

 

It could be seen as offensive if one wants to take it that way. But when comparing a R that's established with one that is going to have many strikes against it already (spousal support, child support, former in-lwa contact, contact with ex because of kids, kids from previous R, bills from other R, having to share retirement accounts and the like with the ex first, etc., etc., etc.), its easy to see why some see the AP as a step down. Your whole life and lifestyle is going to have to change.

 

Plus the guy writing it was once a WS, so he is really giving the reader a view of some of the concerns in the MM head as he weighs things one against the other. Sometimes the OW comes out with more in her favor, oftentimes, not.

I finally read it. It wasn't a bad little pamphlet, but I would rather see it in essay style with back up information and with expert advice. The author considers himself an expert for having gone through and affair. Maybe he saw his OW as a step down, but I'm not sure all MM see their OW as a step down. Though, turning your life upside down would be lowering a standard of life to a degree for some and yet only temporarily for others.

 

I've thought about this. My MM has wealthy in-laws. My parents are both gone. Financially, he would have more to gain by staying with his W. He has never said this to me, but the facts remain. I am educated and have many working years left in me. If he chose me over her, I'd provide an ongoing income whereas they are both now living on a fixed retired income. So far financially speaking I think it is balancing out. She is quite a lady. I am quite a lady. Balanced. She did not cheat. I cheated for him, but cheated. The scale is tilting. She was good in bed. I am good in bed. Tilting back. They have many years of shared beautiful memories. We have just a few and only we know about them. She wins.