OWs: Why is your MM cheating on his W with you??

[OpenBook]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you? Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?

[sally4sara]

ooohhhh crap! this is going to get ugly...........

[Gwyneth]

I guess everyone's situation is going to be unique. Here's what happened with this MM:

 

My job requires me to pass by his job every morning. Since last year, I had thought "wow, he's hot, too bad he's married." I was in a prior R with my now ex-bf so I just left it as an early morning facination. Hey, why not?

 

In the beginning of this past summer, I noticed the MM and I began making some intense eye contact as he'd walk past me the few times he did each morning. So intesne my heart would begin beating faster and faster. Well one morning I got up from my seat and went to the door to exit the center and he was standing in the vestibule. I just stood there to wait until I was able to leave, and he opened the door and asked if I wanted to come out into the vestibule. I said "sure." I stood out there, and he was having an conversation about vacations with this guy. Well then the MM tapped me on the back and asked me if I wanted to go to this vacation spot with them. Well I Just so happened to be going to the same place at the same time, so that was ironic. Well from then on we'd talk, and little by little he'd ask me questions about myself, and then one day he gave me his phone number, and so I gave him mine because I didn't want to call him--I wanted to see if He'd call me. Little by little we'd spend more and more time together at this place. I asked him who he was going to this vacation spot with because when he would talk about going, he would never mention a wife or children--it was "I am, I was, I went, etc." So yeah, I asked, "aren't you married?" He rolled his eyes and said "yes, I am, but she's away. I like it when she's away. I married her after dating for four months and rushed into this marriage and that's not wise," blah blah blah. Okay, I was understanding that he rushed into this marriage, I mean four months isn't long enough to get to know someone. He said he learned from his mistakes and if he went back in time, would never do such a thing again (marry so soon that is). Well a couple of weeks later, I had my feet resting on the bench he was sitting on and told him they hurt (well they did, no hidden messages there). So he began massaging my tired, sweaty feet. I thought "ew," but hey, it felt nice after walking in sandals all day. He then walked me to the exit and proceeded to hug me, and kissed my head. I was confused, trust me, very confused. Happy, and flattered, but confused (doesn't take much to confuse me...). He then called me later on that day after he got out of work, and it all began from there.

 

I do not know Why he chooses to cheat on his wife, but I am pretty sure it is because he is stuck in a marriage he did not want to be in in the first place. He knows he made a mistake by commiting to this woman after knowing her for only four months. I asked him if he married her so she can get her citizen papers but he says no. I think he is now falling in love with me, and while he has pursued this, I did help--I'll admit that.

 

It all began with he and I the day he massaged my sore, dirty, sweaty feet, then hugged me, and kissed my head. This was August. It is now November and we're still in it.

 

I do not know if it's because of me, persay, but it could be. Especially if he's falling in love with me. He could have had any girl at his job, but he chose me, and chose to massage my dirty smelly sweaty feet that day.

[Babybird]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you? Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?

 

Thats a lot of questions!

 

He cheated originally for the sex. His M wasn't completely sexless but it lacked in many, if not all, other areas. I do think he was bored and restless because like many of the BW' here he tried to get her to counseling and to work on the M. She wouldn't. I think he wanted an escape but never planned on falling in love. That surprised us both.

 

I think that we are meant to be together. I have never thought that about any man in my life. It is the 'real' thing. We are completely and totally in love and we do plan on being together for the rest of our lives. I don't care if we get married as long as we're together.

 

I think this man sees me for everything I am, I want him to see, and all of those hidden spots we don't want anyone to see. I knows me better than I know myself and he say the same for me of him.

 

Because his W cheated and eventually left him for the OM I asked him what he did wrong, what he thinks drove her to cheat.

 

*He watches sports too much, and can be extremely selfish with his hobbies and was inconsiderate about it.

 

*He was never romantic. (Surprised the crap out of me because he is now)

 

*He, and both of them, let their son be the entire focal point of their M. Instead of being a married couple they were parents. Kind of like roommates with a kid.

 

SO thats what he told me. I'm sure there was other little things but the guy she's dating now is a total romantic, involves her in all he does, and never includes the son with anything(thats a whole story in itself). Opposites.

[OpenBook]

ooohhhh crap! this is going to get ugly...........

 

I certainly hope not. My exMM was looking for an exit affair. Apparently I wasn't woman enough to do the job for him... but the next OW was. I got involved with him because I loved him. And because he told me that his M was on the rocks. But he didn't see me or appreciate me at all. I could have been a fence post for all he cared. So glad that's all long behind me!!

 

And now I am faced with 3 choices: get involved with another MM who I am in love with... get involved with a SG and get married again... or keep on keepin' on by myself. I'm leaning hard toward the latter.

 

Whatever I do, I want it to be authentic. Hence, why I'm asking these questions. I'm putting myself in the OW's shoes... and in the BS's shoes down the road.

[Gwyneth]

Well you need to do what you know you are capable of handling. Getting involved with a MM is challenging, as you know it may Not lead to a happy ending. So if you are okay with that and know that--like I am, then go for it. If you are looking for real commitment, though, then go for a SG who can give you his full attention. If you're looking for just sex, then find a sex buddy

 

My theory is, if you're going to be with a MM, or a commited man, then realize that it might not end with a happy ending. Go into it knowing that he will see you when he can, not when you can or want to. It's all about his schedule--not yours. If you can handle that, then more power to you!

[NoIDidn't]

And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you? Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?

 

He was unhappy with our life together. I was depressed. He was stressed at work. He wanted to know "is this all there is"?

 

We drifted apart emotionally. I was always angry at him because he was all talk and no action. He was withdrawing from me because he felt that I wanted more than he had to offer.

 

He met an attractive girl at work. Somehow they got around to telling each other about a mutual attraction. Can't say they were friends first, because they hadn't even known each other outside of work ever, and she had just joined the company.

 

But he needed someone to talk to. He couldn't talk to me. I wasn't listening because my own needs weren't being met. His EA forced us both to take a good look at ourselves and make the needed changes accordingly.

 

So, yes, he was unhappy in the M. There was nothing that I could do to prevent it. He was too active a participant in anything that he felt I was making him unhappy with as I was unhappy too. Were it not for the fact that I always had my kids with me, and never wanted to have to explain to my kids about some other man, I would have had my own A (of some sort).

 

I wish we didn't have to go through this to be where we are today, but it grew me up a lot and very quickly.

[OpenBook]

Well you need to do what you know you are capable of handling.

 

I think that's my problem Gwyn... I don't think I can handle ANY man anymore! :D

 

My theory is, if you're going to be with a MM, or a commited man, then realize that it might not end with a happy ending.

 

Yes, but I believe I'm taking the same risk with the SG.

[nadiaj2727]

My xMM SAID he was with me (he never did call it "cheating on his wife" and still refuses to) because his marriage was over, they were mutually separated, and he had never felt these incredible feelings for anyone before, that he and I were meant to be.

 

After I wised up a lot, I sat down and put a lot of pieces together and washed away the BS and delusion and realized: he was REALLY with me for the typical reasons -- boring marriage, re-writing history to think he never loved his wife, ego stroking, wanting to dip his old wee-wee in my fountain of youth, mid-life crisis (there was a 21-year age difference... yeah, I was stupid), the incredible sex (yes it was absolutely incredible, unfortunately), really actually loving me but being too wimpy to do what it took to be with me, trying to find a way "out" of a marriage that was definitely not anywhere close to being over, and looking for an escape/ way to live in fantasy-land and denial without dealing with the reality of his situation.

 

(It's funny to think that those two last reasons, which seem so opposite, are both true... he wanted out of the M, so he hooked up with me as a way to get out of it, which made him able to live in denial and not move towards getting out of the M, lol).

 

While trying to break up with him (which I finally managed to do) I talked with him about the reasons *I* had discovered he was really with me, and he finally admitted most of them were true, although he says he didn't realize it at the time, and he also continued to swear his undying love to me and said I really am the most incredible woman he's ever met and he'd never felt this way before and he still sees us together in the future once he's finally (uh huh) divorced, etc.

 

He's obviously still deluded. *shrug* I'm just glad I figured all of this out and kicked him to the curb before I wasted more months waiting around on him for something that was never going to happen, or until people found out about it and he might have kicked me to the curb, who knows.

[Gwyneth]

I know, that's the problem with today's society. Cheating is so freakin' common! I think the same thing too, that even if I was with a SG, there could be a very unhappy ending, so what the heck? At least this way my heart is saf-guarded because I knew going into this what to expect. I know he isn't going to leave her--very rarely does that happen.

 

I too am tired of men!!! Not all men are bad though. There are good ones out there...you just have to find them! It's not that easy

[Virgo1982]

I think that's my problem Gwyn... I don't think I can handle ANY man anymore! :D

 

 

 

Yes, but I believe I'm taking the same risk with the SG.

 

It's all about what you want as an ultimate goal. If you don't mind being single for the rest of your life, you know what to do.

 

If you want to share the rest of your life with someone, you have to keep getting hurt until the end of your days.

[NoIDidn't]

If you want to share the rest of your life with someone, you have to keep getting hurt until the end of your days.

 

And that will happen even if they are madly in love with you (and you with them). Growing pains. If the R you are in isn't causing you some discomfort, your partner is dead. LOL.

[OpenBook]

And that will happen even if they are madly in love with you (and you with them). Growing pains. If the R you are in isn't causing you some discomfort' date=' your partner is dead. LOL.[/quote']

 

Oh great! A 4th choice - marry a dead guy.:D

[Gwyneth]

Oh great! A 4th choice - marry a dead guy.:D

 

 

ha ha, that's a good one.

[Virgo1982]

And that will happen even if they are madly in love with you (and you with them). Growing pains. If the R you are in isn't causing you some discomfort' date=' your partner is dead. LOL.[/quote']

 

Exactly. How much pain that partner is willing to inflict on you lets you know whether you should stick around or not. That's how I feel for the moment.

[KATANYA]

OWs: Why is your MM cheating on his W with you??

Do you believe it's because of you?

 

MM wants you to believe it is all about you but it is really all about THEM!

 

that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time??

 

Can feel that way, until a big dose of reality hits and you realize no time was the 'right' time

 

Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

Its as real as any R is at the time.......with the exception that no one can know about it. I believe the MM does LOVE what he sees - that's why he pursues it! Of course he is 'looking for something else' other than what he has at home...the reasons for looking elsewhere are always different depending on the MM.

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

Again, could be any of those things.....or he really could have just 'fallen' in love with the OW....every situation is different but most end up the same - MM always stays (if W lets him) and OW usually ends up heartbroken. So many MM will take miserable at home to miserable and alone - I guess that's the truth for many people and not just MM.

 

And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you? Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?

 

I can't answer for the BS on this forum but I do know that, most of the time, the BS do nothing 'wrong' so PREVENTING it is really up to MM ---that's where the ownership and the accountability begins and ends. From what I've seen, the A and the fall out of the A are in the MM's domain to control/create/continue while the BS is really the 'fix it' person that takes on the burden once DDay happens......I don't think its fair to ask a BS 'why' the affair happened or 'what' she could do to prevent it ---those are questions only MM can answer! And, in my particular situation, I would have to say that CHARACTER FLAW in the MM is a huge factor in why he does what he does......BS can't control it, can't take ownership of it, and certainly wouldn't know where to begin to prevent it....its just a part of who and how he is - the only this BS can do is choose to accept it or get rid of it.

[GreenEyedLady]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else

 

Honestly, looking back, I am sure in the beginning it was because of sex...He thought I was a smart, sexy woman and the attraction was an instant connection...And I knew immediately that we would work...(I didn't know he was married then.)

 

His M had deteriorated to a roommate status by then...

 

And we spoke for hours on end about everything and nothing and we found that we had not only a physical connection, but an intellectual and emotional connection as well...

 

And now we are best friends, we are partners and we are lovers...And it is the real thing, for both of us...I believe that we were meant to be together...I don't think that we met at the wrong time, because the reason that we are so good together, is because of everything that has made us who we are today...And I wish we had met under different circumstances, but that is the only regret...and I choose to move forward instead...I accept him for who he is and all his flaws...just as he accepts me for mine...and I love him deeply and I see it reciprocated not only in his words, but in his actions and I know how hard that is...

 

He has seen me in my real life and I have seen his...

[Gwyneth]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else

 

Honestly, looking back, I am sure in the beginning it was because of sex...He thought I was a smart, sexy woman and the attraction was an instant connection...And I knew immediately that we would work...(I didn't know he was married then.)

 

His M had deteriorated to a roommate status by then...

 

And we spoke for hours on end about everything and nothing and we found that we had not only a physical connection, but an intellectual and emotional connection as well...

 

And now we are best friends, we are partners and we are lovers...And it is the real thing, for both of us...I believe that we were meant to be together...I don't think that we met at the wrong time, because the reason that we are so good together, is because of everything that has made us who we are today...And I wish we had met under different circumstances, but that is the only regret...and I choose to move forward instead...I accept him for who he is and all his flaws...just as he accepts me for mine...and I love him deeply and I see it reciprocated not only in his words, but in his actions and I know how hard that is...

 

He has seen me in my real life and I have seen his...

 

Gel, I think Many OW wish they were in your shoes. You seem to have a really good thing going on.

[GreenEyedLady]

Gel, I think Many OW wish they were in your shoes. You seem to have a really good thing going on.

 

I do have a good thing...and I am thankful for that...

[Gwyneth]

I'm thankful too

[GreenEyedLady]

He was unhappy with our life together. I was depressed. He was stressed at work. He wanted to know "is this all there is"? We drifted apart emotionally. I wish we didn't have to go through this to be where we are today' date=' but it grew me up a lot and very quickly.[/quote']

 

You're very honest. I'm glad that you were able to R...

[woe_is_me]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

 

He 'told' me that his W was evil, wicked, mean, nasty and unappreciative.

 

He 'told' me that he hadn't had sex in over 10 months

 

He 'told' me they'd only had sex a few times in the past few years.

 

Even if it was all true, yes we met at the wrong time.. 1987 would've been preferable

 

He 'said' he was bored in his 15 year marriage (not bored enough to make it to 20 years though)...I was single and carefree at the time and almost 6 years less the wiser... easy prey for him.

 

 

"But that'd change if she ever found out about you and i" 'Bryan Adams'

[Gwyneth]

I know it's easy to believe this wonderful man we're so infatuated/in love with says. My MM says things to me too and I kind of "a ha" him, because deep down inside, I know he's talking rubbish. I think this is what all women (and men) need to keep in mind when engaging in an affair with a married person--that they will say almost Anything to make themselves look like the victim of their marriage.

[squeak]

I know it's easy to believe this wonderful man we're so infatuated/in love with says. My MM says things to me too and I kind of "a ha" him, because deep down inside, I know he's talking rubbish. I think this is what all women (and men) need to keep in mind when engaging in an affair with a married person--that they will say almost Anything to make themselves look like the victim of their marriage.

 

Gwyneth-you seem to be changing your tune a bit, being more open eyed about the most likely reality, in most situations. Is it from reading the LS posters experiences-or did you feel this way all along?

[Suny1]

I can say *ditto to alot of things that GEL said. My MM was on the road alot when we met. He told me in the beginning that he was just going to *get his freak on and then go on home. So.. he was just thinking about sex on the road. When we met.. just didn't turn out that way and it developed into more than we both ever expected. We couldn't wait to see each other again and I went on the road with him too.

He would at first say... I love my wife... and we are just out for some fun right? I would go along and then we both had to see each other more and more. Everytime we would get alil closer, he would run from that and I wouldn't talk to him for a couple days. Then it would get more intense the next time.

In the last few months, he told me things he didn't like about her. I think he treated me the way he couldn't treat her. Makes me mad that maybe I have to admit, it was all about the EXCITEMENT for him more than anything.