OWs: Why is your MM cheating on his W with you??

[Lyssa]

What's unbelievable is that some people out of the blue who has no clue whatsoever that is going come right in and judge people. That is unbelievable.

 

Things happen. Be it good or bad. My MM divorced his W - they both wanted it and they made it happened. GEL's MM is going through a divorce process - it happens.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

Quite frankly, they're going through the divorce process now...don't know how you want to take that, but that is the truth...

 

It will be interesting to see where everyone is in 5 years from now, that's for sure.

[Shades of Grey]

What is for sure is that the judgemental bitter and twisted people will still be......judgemental bitter and twisted.

[luvmy2ns]

Of course there will be the occasional rare case where a MM actually does remain faithful to his OW after he divorces his W. However, it is very rare indeed. Most cheaters just enjoy the thrill of the chase and conquest; the variety. Once the W is gone, so does the variety as he will no longer be "doing" her. Therefore, the OW will now become the "same old" sex, and he'll need another OW. Again, I'm not saying this is true of all, but definitely most.

[nadiaj2727]

They're going through the process of D...So yes, it does happen...

 

They've filed for divorce? That's great, I am really happy for you! I know you dislike me because of my views but sincerely, congratulations, I am really glad to hear about happy endings (or happy new beginnings? ) on here... so many of the stories are so sad. Great for you two!!

[nadiaj2727]

You are right they aren't all cookie cutter men. Yet they all have one basic character trait. They were willing to dishonor and disrespect a union that they willing helped to form. And whether that union was a few months or a few years, there is a commitment to the spouse. It doesn't really matter what the excuses are for cheating, they chose to start a new involvement without ending the current commitment. And no amount of so called soul mate love is going to change the fact that if they found it o.k. to do once, they will find it o.k. to do again if they find the right excuse.

 

If they are capable of doing it with you, they are capable of doing it to you.

 

Amen bentnotbroken! I used to think "I'm special" when it came to my xMM... he needed me to help him get out of his crappy marriage, and he loves and appreciates me so much that he will stay faithful to me through thick and thin. He told me I was so "incredible", he told me the most amazing things about myself, and he told me he had never had feelings like this for anyone in his life, and I believed him. (I still believe that he FELT that way, but I realize now that feelings like that mean nothing in reality).

 

Then I thought, "wait a minute." If I'm so special, why isn't he being faithful to me right now by getting divorced from her? (He always said he was "in the process of divorce", and yet he never got divorced. It was his way to placate me b/c he knew I wouldn't stick around unless he was actually getting divorced... so he just told me he was getting divorced even though he wasn't, really. When I wizened up and said, "show me the papers you filed... okay, how about the drafts of the ones you said you keep exchanging back and forth with her, that you're GOING to file?", that's when he stopped telling me he was in the process of getting divorced, never showed me any concrete evidence and changed it to "we're filing for divorce in a week or two." Uh huh.)

 

I also thought -- If I'm so special and he is really "this close" to filing for divorce, why isn't he proud to tell the whole world he is with me? (Or at least start telling other people that he is living separately from his wife and that they are getting divorced... so the shock won't seem so big once we appear later as a public couple?) And if I am so special, why didn't he from the very beginning say "I am overwhelmed with feelings for you, but you are too special to corrupt with an extramaritial affair and by dragging you into my mess. I just wanted to tell you that I am in the process of getting a divorce and as soon as it's over, I would really love to take you out and show you a good time, and I have high hopes for the two of us because you are amazing." (NO, he said all of that except BEFORE he was actually divorced, and he dove right in [and I jumped right along with him] because he was too impatient to wait for me... and because he wasn't that sure he could go through with getting divorced, but he knew he had to tell me he's DEFINITELY IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING A DIVORE [blah blah blah] b/c he knew that was the only way I would even consider being with him.)

 

So I realized that I am really NOT that special (to him... I know I'm special in general and will be special to a single guy. ) I began to be GLAD he wasn't actually "getting divorced", because I realized he would just take the problems from their relationship, and his own general unhappiness with life/ himself, and transfer that over to our relationship. And I realized that he didn't honor his marriage commitment to his wife to forsake all others, so how could I expect him to honor any future commitments towards me? And I'm wasn't special enough to him to make him change his ways and do the right thing... so why would I be special enough to him to not cheat on when things with us got rough or boring between us?

 

So I whole-heartedly agree, bentnotbroken, that since he justified being with me while he was still married (no matter how close to divorce he "THOUGHT" he was in his own little mind, and no matter how much he "FELT" that he loved me so incredibly much), he could just as easily justify being with someone else (and letting himself grow such strong feelings for another person) while he was with me. That is not the kind of man I want-- I want a man who will do the right thing (divorce, or work on the M instead of pursuing OW) no matter what his emotions or "feelings" are telling him.

 

One other thing. If I were his wife, I'd be like, "oh of COURSE you have "feelings" for this other woman that you say are strong enough to want to leave me... come back in 16 years, after she's put up with your BS and she knows every little good and bad thing about you, after you guys have had real issues and even discussed divorce, and after you two have experienced more of life than secret dinners and illicit sex and long phone conversations about the fairytale land you want to live in with her, and THEN tell me how you "feel" about her... oh yeah, by then you'll be telling some OTHER other woman all about your new and amazing feelings for HER, ha ha." I guess what happened to us is poetic justice in the end. If he didn't treat his wife as "special" to him because of their bond of marriage, their shared family/ friends/ life circle, and their more than 16-year history, I should not expect him to treat me as any more "special," when we had NOTHING together except a lot of deep, passionate feelings and a desire to be together and less than a year of a secret relationship.

[GreenEyedLady]

Funny how so many believe that all MM are formed from cookie cutters. I believe in you and your man, GEL. I've read enough to know that much.

 

Thanks for the support!

 

And I believe in us, too, or I'd have never stayed...

[reboot]

So did his wife in the beginning. *shrug*

[child_of_isis]

Sometimes the W will become the OW if MM leaves her....I have heard of this more than once.

 

I think it is just a revenge thing.

 

Of course there will be the occasional rare case where a MM actually does remain faithful to his OW after he divorces his W. However, it is very rare indeed. Most cheaters just enjoy the thrill of the chase and conquest; the variety. Once the W is gone, so does the variety as he will no longer be "doing" her. Therefore, the OW will now become the "same old" sex, and he'll need another OW. Again, I'm not saying this is true of all, but definitely most.

[Impudent Oyster]

What is for sure is that the judgemental bitter and twisted people will still be......judgemental bitter and twisted.

 

Oh I see that you didn't appreciate that dose of fact-driven reality, okay, how's this..."I'm sure that your relationship will be different, I'm sure you'll have the one in one hundred successful marriage that was born from infidelity."

 

Do you like that better?

[Impudent Oyster]

Sometimes the W will become the OW if MM leaves her....I have heard of this more than once.

 

I think it is just a revenge thing.

 

Yep, I've seen that a lot too. Of all the BW's who became OW, it seems the MM left them, and not the other way around.

 

Interesting phenomenon, isn't it?

[child_of_isis]

I think it is horrible that MM lies to OW and warps her reality with false hopes and promises.

 

I don't think we should join forces with him.

 

What is for sure is that the judgemental bitter and twisted people will still be......judgemental bitter and twisted.

[Iwantherout29]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you? Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?

Ok I found out my H cheated on me ALL THROUGH our Marriage BUT My H is a socialpath and this is really not about him but me.....I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART SINCE WE WERE 15...know we have a daughter together and we just started talking again.....I have asked him serveral times if he is happy....no response just says little things about her to give me the pic that THINGS ARE NOT GOOD ON THE HOMEFRONT! I can not say that this women is not right for him BUT HE MARRIED HER FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND I AM DETERMINED TO GET HER OUT OF THE PIC...it may be wrong but I WANT HIM AND I WILL HAVE HIM SLOWLY BUT SURELY:rolleyes:

[child_of_isis]

The way I have seen it....OW eventually becomes the worn down, sock washing, snot wiping, chili making "domestic".

 

W becomes the free spirit.

 

The circle of life I guess.

 

Yep, I've seen that a lot too. Of all the BW's who became OW, it seems the MM left them, and not the other way around.

 

Interesting phenomenon, isn't it?

[luvmy2ns]

The way I have seen it....OW eventually becomes the worn down, sock washing, snot wiping, chili making "domestic".

 

W becomes the free spirit.

 

The circle of life I guess.

 

...then, when the MM sees the OW as the worn down, sock washing, snot wiper, he gets turned off then finds an interesting, sexy, NEW OW.

[White Flower]

Of course there will be the occasional rare case where a MM actually does remain faithful to his OW after he divorces his W. However, it is very rare indeed. Most cheaters just enjoy the thrill of the chase and conquest; the variety. Once the W is gone, so does the variety as he will no longer be "doing" her. Therefore, the OW will now become the "same old" sex, and he'll need another OW. Again, I'm not saying this is true of all, but definitely most.

I can appreciate your take on this one. I did not see my MM in that light at all, but a couple of weeks ago I had a glimpse of a possible reality that he could be. It totally changed my perspective and kind of woke me up. I guess I took a trip to dreamland to deal with my problems because I felt so trapped otherwise. But after waking up, I just couldn't handle the thought of him being a serial cheater. Not that he is, but I know I wouldn't tolerate it. Then I thought, wow, who am I to not tolerate anything with this man who isn't mine, really?

 

I hope we're not getting off topic. He is/was cheating on his wife with me b/c I am fun, available, and intoxicating. And I am/was doing the same because he made me see myself that way.

[child_of_isis]

Here is the catchy part...if you live with him 24/7, there will be off moments when he will not see you as any of this.

 

Maybe you are sick. Long hours at work. Too many things to do. Or just don't feel up to it.

 

Then after a few down times (he wants to play, but you don't feel up to it) he says...but you use to be fun, available, blah blah...

 

So now, you no longer feel fun, available, etc. You internalize it. Become it.

 

He is/was cheating on his wife with me b/c I am fun, available, and intoxicating. And I am/was doing the same because he made me see myself that way.

[White Flower]

I think he would have cheated with someone at some point anyway. Because in the beginning he says it was 'all about sex', this despite the fact we didn't even meet up for a year, what it was was he wasn't getting enough sex, conversation, love or attention at home. So he was looking outside.

 

When we hooked up, it became more about other things. He fell in love, which he wasn't intending. Because he had no intention of leaving, breaking up his family, he just knew he wasn't happy or getting what he needed at home. I don't know why he didn't make attempts to rectify that without stepping outside his M. He claims he did, but it's only now he's really making an effort to look at himself and wonder why all this happened.

 

I don't believe in all that, 'meant to be together' stuff. He's far more romantic in that way. He talks about me being the one he should be with, and I think he believes it, but he does nothing whatever to change that. So I really have to take it with a pinch of salt. Only when he manages to untangle his own thoughts and feelings will he or I or anyone know what's going on with him.

 

He does know who I really am. After 3.5 years and many many days and nights spent together he knows my good and my bad, up and down and everything else. And yes he does love me. The question is, for me, does he love himself enough to do anything about that..? Because he does love me, but he doesn't care for me, and is OK with my hurting as long as his world isn't disturbed.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't bend over backwards to please me, to see me, to show in any way he is capable of (which doesn't include leaving) that he loves me. We spend more time together than many single dating people I know. And in many ways have a 'real' relationship.

 

I don't think he is looking for an escape from his life (with his family). I think for the most part his life suits him, and if he could, he'd love for it to continue just as it is (cake-eating). Only he knows and can see that that's just not possible. Just reading my words here would show anyone that... 'love' can't survive often in these circumstances. So if he really loves me, then things need to change. It's all down to him.

This post rings so true. You took the words right out of my mouth, frannie. Best wishes.

[White Flower]

Here is the catchy part...if you live with him 24/7, there will be off moments when he will not see you as any of this.

 

Maybe you are sick. Long hours at work. Too many things to do. Or just don't feel up to it.

 

Then after a few down times (he wants to play, but you don't feel up to it) he says...but you use to be fun, available, blah blah...

 

So now, you no longer feel fun, available, etc. You internalize it. Become it.

I know, you are absolutely right. I think this is what most people refer to when they say MM have the ability to compartmentalize. I know he would get sick of me when one or both of us had some down times. I think he even knows that, too.

 

He often wonders what it would be like if I was cooking dinner for him, or snuggling up on the couch with him. Deep down, I am sure he stays with her because he knows that eventually we all fall into our daily humdrums and he would have hurt a whole lot of people just to fall into the same routine if he left her for me. OW are not better than the wife; there is no question about that (unless the wife is just a rotten person). It is how a MM perceives the OW.

[GreenEyedLady]

 

It will be interesting to see where everyone is in 5 years from now, that's for sure.

 

I think so, too...

 

I personally think life has to do with the self-fulfilling prophecy...I choose to be happy...And I believe in 5 years, I'll still be happy...

 

And on the other side of the coin, I think that the bitter, nay-sayers will be what they still choose-bitter, naysayers...

 

Unhappy people are the ones who are constantly trying to bring people down because they don't understand how to be happy; it eludes them...They don't understand that it comes from within...So they perpetuate their own unhappiness by being bitter and hateful...

 

Truly happy people aren't the ones that jump on the bandwagon of any particular philosophy...Their philosophy is seen in their words and actions...They neither rejoice in the pain or indifference of human beings...They choose to lift the human spirit rather than try to crush it...

 

GEL

[OpenBook]

I know, you are absolutely right. I think this is what most people refer to when they say MM have the ability to compartmentalize. I know he would get sick of me when one or both of us had some down times. I think he even knows that, too.

 

He often wonders what it would be like if I was cooking dinner for him, or snuggling up on the couch with him. Deep down, I am sure he stays with her because he knows that eventually we all fall into our daily humdrums and he would have hurt a whole lot of people just to fall into the same routine if he left her for me. OW are not better than the wife; there is no question about that (unless the wife is just a rotten person). It is how a MM perceives the OW.

 

Flower, my mouth dropped open when I read this. I was wondering if anyone else observed the same thing about their MM!! I remember this strongly with my exMM... and I see it coming with my potential MM and it's stopping me in my tracks. Interesting that both of them were so irritated with their W's... but I know that would be turned around on me, in time. I have also read the male perspective in some threads here (can't remember which ones), that "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't", and that's why they're reluctant to leave their W and take up with the OW.

[OpenBook]

Unhappy people are the ones who are constantly trying to bring people down because they don't understand how to be happy; it eludes them...They don't understand that it comes from within...So they perpetuate their own unhappiness by being bitter and hateful...

 

Truly happy people aren't the ones that jump on the bandwagon of any particular philosophy...Their philosophy is seen in their words and actions...They neither rejoice in the pain or indifference of human beings...They choose to lift the human spirit rather than try to crush it...

 

GEL

 

Amen, GEL, A-MEN!! This is one of the main reasons why I'm here on LS. It is teaching me a lot about human nature, from a relatively safe distance. I wonder if people realize how revealing their posts are about the state of their own souls. The message they're sending is more telling about the messenger than it is about the "deliveree" that it's aimed for.

 

Of course, I'm also here on LS because I'm just plain ADDICTED.:D "Hello, my name is OpenBook and I'm a LoveShack poster."

[OpenBook]

Here is the catchy part...if you live with him 24/7, there will be off moments when he will not see you as any of this.

 

Maybe you are sick. Long hours at work. Too many things to do. Or just don't feel up to it.

 

Then after a few down times (he wants to play, but you don't feel up to it) he says...but you use to be fun, available, blah blah...

 

So now, you no longer feel fun, available, etc. You internalize it. Become it.

 

Well if that's the circle of life, then stop this merry-go-round, I want OFF!! :D Your words have the ring of truth in them. It all seems to revolve around the MM's dashed expectations... He expects his W to remain the young, vibrant, totally-focused-on-him woman he married... and he expects the OW to remain the same confident, independent, hot woman he first met. God forbid if any of us should reveal that we're actually HUMAN. No... the more I learn about men and how they think, the more I value the wisdom in remaining true to myself and NEVER letting my own worth be placed in the hands of any man. Even if it means I'll be alone for the rest of my life. It's just not worth it to me - the price is too high.

[child_of_isis]

The word "bitter" is used to try to shut down opposing view points.

 

 

 

Women deserve more than being a side piece for a lying, conniving, cheating MM who cares squat for her.

 

They just don't know it yet.

 

Lifting the human spirit also requires the human to want to lift their spirit to another level.One that is beyond this earth. And for that level, outside sources can show the way, but the desire has to come from within.

 

Because people believe that what you are doing isn't right, and that it will not be allowed to prosper for any long term gain, doesn't mean that we are bitter( got Jesus, not bitter:D), it just means that our belief systems are different.

[luvmy2ns]

The word "bitter" is used to try to shut down opposing view points.

 

 

 

Women deserve more than being a side piece for a lying, conniving, cheating MM who cares squat for her.

 

They just don't know it yet.

 

Oh, yeah. Any time ANYONE says anything at all against a OW/MM relationship, they are labeled as "bitter." If you (meaning those who keep running that same old script over and over) really feel YOUR cheating relationship is different than the 99% wherein the MM is just feeding his need for variety, then good for you. But don't dismiss the notion that someone else's may be the other kind; the kind that exists in almost all cases. If you don't allow for the questioning OW to listen to any point of view but your own, you may be doing them a HUGE disservice.