nunquam_iterum Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 My wife and I have known each other for 16 years, but after 8 years of being together (5 of which were marriage) and two wonderful children, she now wants a divorce. She claims she is not happy with me and has not been in love with me since before we got married. Furthermore, she tries to say that I don't care about her feelings because I did not help her out enough with the household chores nor did I give her the sexual space that she needed - that is, she wanted to have sex only when she wanted to, but felt violated whenever we had sex when I wanted to and she didn't. Currently, she has moved out and filed for divorce. I signed the papers although they won't be official for several more months. To make matters worse, she also says that she has a current boyfriend with whom she has already slept. Is there any hope for my situation.? Before you make your assessment, let me give you the details of our history. When we first met on a trip 16 years ago, there was an instant attraction and we were quickly enamored with each other. We remained in each others' lives for four years, but were never in a true relationship. During that time, we had mostly an off-and-on phone relationship, but we were never around each other much. She never had a boyfriend during that time; however, I had several different girlfriends. But, whenever I was with someone else, she became jealous and demanded that I not be with the person I was with. But, when I eventually did become single, she did not want to be with me but was glad to know that I was not with someone else. After the fourth year, she moved out of town and told me that she did not want to talk to me anymore. On the sixth year, everything changed. I saw her out in town again and decided to give her a call. After talking on the phone, she told me that she was back in town and she agreed to meet me. During our meeting, she apologized for the way she had acted the previous years toward me and told me that she loved me and that she had been in a string of bad relationships only to realize that I was the only person that truly cared about her. What followed was a fantastic romance. However, she quickly gave me an ultimatum and demanded that I marry her within two years or she woul leave. Not wanting to lose her, I reluctantly agreed to marry her within that timeframe and gave her a promise ring. Not too long after that, she became pregnant and I felt I was being pushed into a marriage and family. Needless to say, the situation became too much for me and I stepped out of relationship after our child was born to make sure that I really wanted to be with her for love and not for the status quo. Well, two months later I came back and two years later we married. But that's where the problems started. Going into the marriage, she was still bitter about me leaving her. This fact caused many arguments in our marriage for the first year. The next problem was that came about was arguments over sex. In short, like most men, I wanted it everyday. However, she was content with sex only once per week. However, she would give into my demands but felt "violated" in the process many times because she did it out of obligation instead of desire. During the last couple of years, I have made every attempt to keep her satisfied but I somehow seem to fall short of that goal. I let her buy whatever she wants and never try to stop her from going wherever she wants to go. I let her most of the decisions since she does not like begin controlled. I have bent over backwards to keep her happy without losing myslef but nothing seems to work. In March of this year, she announced that she had become numb toward me, she was not in love, she was fed up and she was moving out. Although she did move out, she did come back home at the end of April. However, she left again in July stating that she was never coming back and that she had lost all love for me. Nevertheless, to this day, we get along great and are still capable of being good friends. She says that she never wants to lose my friendship, but she remains adamant that the marriage is unrepairable despite our counsellor's and pastor's opinion to the contrary. The issues we have are readily repairable but she does not even want to try to fix them. However, I think that her lack of desire to work on the marriage is compounded by the presence of a new boyfriend. This new guy is filling a void in her life that was put there when she left me and was feeling vulnerable. Since I have the kids on the weekends, she is free to go out and party or travel with him on the weekends. Since she just turned 30, she feels like being in a marriage with me has caused her to miss out on the partying and traveling she now gets to do with him. She claims to feel happy again but I question how long that infatuation and euphoria will last. Furthermore, I question the new guys' true intentions since she was obviously vulneralbe at the time and he has already slept with him. I do not believe their relationship will last since it started only a couple of weeks after she moved out in July. Does anyone have any gudiance on this? Is there any chance of reconciliation? Will the new relationship she is in fail? If it does, what are the chances she will come back? Will the kids' well-being motivate her to reconcile if the new guy bails on her? Is it possible that she will stop focusing on the few negatives of our marriage and see the overwhelming number of positives? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 She's "peaking" sexually ~ its in large part? Hormonal?! In her late twenties to early thirties she's got testirone (sic) (the predominant male hormone) gushing thorugh her system! Make's women crazy! Doesn't have anthing to do with you! Its hormones, the same ones that made you crazy about sex when you were peaking sexually at 15, 16, 17, 18! Link to post Share on other sites
Author nunquam_iterum Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Are you sure this is just a sex thing? She tells me that she can't be happy with me and is no longer physically attracted to me. She also is on a continuous effort to get me to find another woman who will love me like a wife should love a husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 While there are two sides to every story...it seems like you dodged a bullet OP. This woman is manipulative, selfish and impulsive. Look at the history you have with her. Everything has been about HER. She has emotionally blackmailed you time and time again and is continuing to do so. Based on your questions, it seems like you really do want to work it out with her. I don't see how that is possible given that she has a bf and has expressed no interest in reconciling with you. You signed the papers. Maybe it is time for you to TRY to deal with the fact that the marriage is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nunquam_iterum Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Since the marriage seems to be over, why do you say she is continuing to emotionally blackmail me? Link to post Share on other sites
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