Overreacting or not?

[eleven1000]

I'm having an issue with my girlfriend of a year. We've only recently moved in together too.

 

The love of her life, an ex from 6 years ago, has started travelling to our country for work. He was violent, mean, etc and the relationship was completely dysfunctional. 9 times she said they broke up and got back together over a 7 year period, the last time left her saying she had had enough of his treatment and severed the ties for good. On his first trip here he emailed her saying he was on our shores and wanted to catch up. She of course phoned him and they organised to meet. No hesitation it seemed. She said they would catch up with friends at the pub as I had organised something with my sons for that evening. On my return home at 11pm, she was also returning at the same time. It turns out she had gone to quite a romantic restaurant by themselves where he supposedly asked to start seeing her again. She refused (and I believe her) but I wasn't happy their catch up ended in them having dinner like this. I was calm yet a little unsettled at explaining my displeasure. Part of my displeasure is I'm the antithesis of a control freak. She can do, see, go anywhere here heart desires. I do require loyalty and respect and am willing to give enough space to prove this. Yet, here I was jealous at her meeting him. Anyway, she said she understood my feelings to this and it was basically left at that.

 

A few weeks ago she was reading her old diaries. She cried while explaining to me one night the abuse she received at the hands of this guy. He was worse than she had remembered. I took this as a positive step for her in removing herself once again from a toxic individual.

 

Fast forward to yesterday. Turns out he's back in our country and has been calling and emailing her to catch up. She says she's be ignoring most of them but had one discussion with him asking her into town for dinner with some friends. So last night she kind of said she was going to see him but didn't want too (Double speak don't you think?) and was going to taking a friend. She asked me if I'd come but I have refused to meet him. If he did what she said he did to her (I'm starting to have some doubts), to me it condones what he did. In the end, I have to respect my own opinions and let them fall where they may.

 

I ended up telling her (rightly or wrongly) that if she met up with him she lacked self-respect. She sees other boyfriends who were nice to her and I not a single problem with that. But if she is going to relay what this person was like to her and their rocky history, my personal opinion and advice to her was that certain are in the past for a reason. I just can't fathom why someone would want to see such a person again.

 

There is a part of me that thinks I'm over reacting. But there's also a part of me who believes she should have already known what the right answer was for her and our relationship and she didn’t have it, which I'm also disappointed in. And because of the way I reacted (calmly but a little indignant may I add), she now thinks me immature. Maybe I am?

 

There are other issues in our relationship but this one seems to have pushed me to breaking point.

 

Am I overreacting?

[Curmudgeon]

Am I overreacting?

 

Actually, I think you're underreacting. You've been together a year. You live together. She continues to see past boyfriends. Sounds as if she has little, if any, respect for you and your relationship and you have little, if any, respect for yourself since you condone it but for one.

 

Where's the commitment or is there none?

[MissMaris]

I don't think you're over-reacting at all.

 

Why see an old, toxic, ex-boyfriend at all? What's the point?

 

Sounds like she hasn't had closure, where he's concerned, and still has some lingering feelings for him. That doesn't mean she wants to be with him.....but she may have a revenge fantasy of sorts, where he begs for her back and she continues to refuse him.

 

I think it's a rather childish game and I would try to have a discussion with her about what she hopes to accomplish by seeing him. Just 'catching up' is rather ridiculous, if you think about it.

'Catching up' is what you do with distant relatives or old school chums, not an abusive ex.

[littlekitty]

Not overreacting no.

 

Neither my husband nor I see ex partners (excluding the mother of his son). It would in most cases be disrespectful to each other.

 

I side with you, that she should have known from your previous discussion that you would prefer it if she didn't meet with him.

 

Also she should have been able to make the decision by herself that meeting with someone who abused her, is condoning what he did to her.

[Curmudgeon]

Neither my husband nor I see ex partners (excluding the mother of his son).

 

...at least see his son? If so, is his son living with you or with someone other than his mother?

[michaelk]

No, you're not overreacting. Kudos to you for being able to give your gf freedom and allow her to demonstrate her loyalty and respect through her own actions, as opposed to setting hard "rules" for behavior in your relationship. But you're entirely justified for feeling jealous about her desire to see this ex-bf. She wants to see him despite how horribly he treated her. She's seeing him yet claiming that she doesn't really want to. These are warning signs. Bad guy or no, he is clearly still attractive to her, and she's playing with fire, risking getting pulled back in by him. You need to call her on it, help her see her actions for what they are, and ask why she would put your relationship at risk this way.

[eleven1000]

...at least see his son? If so, is his son living with you or with someone other than his mother?

 

Excluding the mother of his child, which means he sees her and the child. She and her husband have it right.

 

And I guess you have black and white rules about ALL ex's, which I do not share. Life is not that simple and some romances do not work for multiple reasons but does not mean they can not remain in your life. I do believe that unless children are involved, a love of your life or someone toxic like this guy should remain in the past.

 

As humans, what are we trying to achieve by keeping them? They're only there to hold us back. Philosophical discussion I guess.